tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12213892970585529632024-03-05T00:52:47.465-06:00Whitney JillAn honest journal of new live, agape love, infant loss and hopeful living. Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.comBlogger243125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-72395095769224705102019-05-11T15:10:00.000-05:002019-05-11T15:10:56.317-05:00When You're Doing Your Best Just to Enter the Sanctuary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial";">So Mother's Day is this Sunday. One can hardly miss it, what with the explosion of pinks and florals in every store. Its a great holiday that technically everyone should be able to celebrate... after all, none of us would be here with out our moms. I love my mom, mother-in-law and grandmas. They are all wonderful, amazing women of God, whom I am so thankful for and I appreciate the Hallmark holiday of an opportunity to let them know how much I do love them. Its one of the few times I year I actually send out snail mail! But there's another side to Mother's Day and all the hoopla that surrounds it that causes my heart to break when I see the frilly displays of cards and Whitman's Samplers. Its the reminder that I am a mother who has lost her child. While that is part of my daily reality, of course, special occasions and holidays such as this one are even stronger reminders of the emptiness in my arms. </span><br />
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Many people may not understand this, since I now have two adorable little girls. Empty arms? Aren't my arms (and hands) full with a toddler and an infant? Just ask anyone who saw me at the grocery store this morning, both kids in tow, my little stroller basket overflowing with much needed groceries as one baby cried and the other ran along beside me "trying" to calm her down. The looks of pity were enough to slay a kitten. Yes, my hands are full but my arms still feel achingly empty at times. While I love Gia and Joanna more than I ever thought possible, I still miss Whitney tremendously. Having children after a loss will not replace the baby who's gone any more than adding salt instead of sugar will sweeten your coffee. Something, some <i>one</i> is still missing.</div>
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A lot of churches have a Baby Dedication Sunday usually in the same week or month as Mother's Day. While I understand that this completely makes sense, its kind of like a double whammy for a heart that is already grieving. The year Whitney was born, I didn't go to church the entire month of May-- I just couldn't handle it. And when I was at church, I wanted in and out with as little interaction as possible. <i><b>I was doing my best to enter the sanctuary.</b> </i>My absence was not met with compassion or understanding, rather criticism and judgement. God-forbid I miss the Hallmark sermon, and the gift afterwards of a carnation and Bump-it. (yes, they gave away Bump-its to moms. No, I am not kidding.) What I would have given to have been met with open arms, understanding and good gracious, <i>grace</i>! We are no longer at that church and I'm thankful we are now serving at a wonderful church, full of grace and caring people who love us deeply.</div>
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But my point in sharing all this is not so you will feel sorry for me. Its to give you permission. Permission to grieve however you damn well need to grieve. And permission to do whatever the hell you need to do on Mother's Day. Nowadays, I don't mind Mother's Day so much. I enjoy going to church and even accept the pangs of longing I usually feel... longings for Heaven, where death is conquered and eternity with Christ is reality. Where I'll get to hold my baby girl again, and she will praise our mighty God alongside her sisters. I enjoy the day as a mom of three beautiful daughters, for whom I am so deeply thankful to God. Its definitely one of those bittersweet days. But I can't help thinking of the many people who are struggling on Sunday.<i style="font-weight: bold;"> Who are just doing their best to enter the sanctuary.</i> The daughter who's mom died this year after a fierce battle with ALS. The couple who just had another negative pregnancy test after years of infertility. The man who's mom died when he was 16. The young woman who's mom was emotionally absent and chemical-dependent. We all enter with wounds that can only be healed by the wounds of Jesus. (1 Peter 2:24; Isaiah 53:5)<br />
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So if you're a mom (or even a grandma, aunt, dad, etc) who is dreading this Mother's Day because your baby is missing from your arms, know that you are not alone. If your relationship with your mother is more complicated than the commercial cards you can find at Kroger, you're not alone. If the only address you have to send a Mother's Day card is "Heaven," you are not alone. And please know that we won't judge you if you want to stay home, or if you need a "bathroom break" when all the babies go down front, or it just gets to be too much. Know that I am praying for you, from the depths of my soul to the feet of Jesus, praying his grace and mercy on your heart. I am praying that the God of hope will fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13), even in your seasons of grief. </div>
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And if you are doing your best but still can't make it into the sanctuary this Mother's Day, please know that's ok. Because our God is so big, <i>he will come to you</i>. He will meet you from wherever you are seeking him-- broken heart, shambled soul, empty arms, cried-out eyes. In fact, he wants that part of you, because he wants all of you. No need to pretty it up for Sunday. Don't cake make-up over your tear-stained cheeks. Run to him who is able to do infinitely more than we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Give him your grief and accept his grace, which is so much more than sufficient for all of our needs (and even made perfect in our weaknesses- 2 Corinthians 12:9). And know that you are loved and I am lifting you up in prayer. And if you happen to be at my church tomorrow and need an extra hug, let me know you're doing your best just to enter the sanctuary and I'll know exactly what you mean.<br />
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-68008623197844900662018-08-22T11:22:00.000-05:002018-08-22T11:22:01.310-05:00He's Still Carrying Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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One of my favorite songs that God gave us when we were pregnant with Whitney was the song by Selah, "I Will Carry You." It affirmed our decision to continue our pregnancy, despite our doctors recommendation to terminate. It gave me strength and reminded me that as I continued to carry Whitney, He would carry me. (I wrote about that <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/2010/01/he-sings-over-me.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>) If you've never heard this song, listen below. (NOTE: Trigger warning. Don't listen to this in public. You think I'm joking but it hits all the feels.)<br />
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I listened to this song again today for the first time in years. I was transported back to a time when I felt each word with such visceral emotion, my body shook. Nine years ago, this song was me begging...pleading... I was putting it out there to God as my PRAYER, in the hopes that he would carry me like the song suggested. I sang it for STRENGTH just to get through each appointment, each awkward conversation, each moment that never would come to fruition. Today, I sang that song as a PRAISE. Through a waterfall of tears, at the top of my lungs, I sang it as a love song-- not only to my baby girl who I carried for 31 beautiful weeks, but to the ONE who gave her life and loves her more that I could ever imagine. I sang it with a SIGH OF RELIEF... knowing that He is who He says He is.<br /><br />Can I tell you something I'm learning about that? About God being who He says He is? I know we say this a lot but God is so good. He is better than I could have ever dreamed, imagined or hoped for. We say that a lot, but every time I say it, my mind floods with the million instances where he has gone ABOVE and BEYOND to lavish me with his mercy and love. I could write a book on the coincidences of God's grace.... moments and gifts He gave us with Whitney that weren't necessary, but moments that God arranged as GIFTS just for us because of how much He loves us.<br />
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There are the BIG THINGS like<br />
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-how my mom was able to be there when Whitney was born because of a pre-planned trip many months before. My mom lives in EGYPT so that was kind of a big deal.<br />
-Whitney was born on February 11... the same day that I had accepted Christ and was baptized 21 years before she was born.<br />
-MY JOB at the time was as the director of a mobile ultrasound clinic. I could get an ultrasound any time I wanted/needed, and as a result I got to see Whitney on the ultrasound screen so much! What a gift!<br />
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Then there were the little ways God reminded us of his goodness:<br />
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-Seeing "her flowers" randomly<br />
-Seeing her name somewhere we didn't expect<br />
-People we didn't even know praying for us<br />
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But the thing that floored me today as I took some time to reflect on our journey with Whitney is that God is STILL showing his goodness after all this time!!!! Not only did he carry us then, but HE IS STILL CARRYING ME!! And He is STILL redeeming Whitney's story. He is using her story-our story- bring HOPE to people in the same situations. And this is what gets me the most--- he is STILL lavishing his love on us in unexpected ways.<br />
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The lyrics of "I Will Carry You" got me thinking about how it could apply to other burdens you may be carrying right now. Perhaps its not a child you are losing but you've lost your job and you need hope. Or maybe your marriage is in shambles and you don't see how it could possibly be restored. Maybe your relationship with your kids is all screwed up and you don't know what to do to make it right. Or maybe things are happening to you right now that are completely out of your control-- cancer, death, loneliness, depression. Can I share the words of this song for you, as an encouragement to make it your prayer? Pray it with all the desperation within in. Then wait in eager, hopeful anticipation of the day that you WILL sing it as a praise and reflect back on the beautiful, extravagant ways that He carried you through.<br />
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<span id="ctl00_cp_lblContent">There were photographs I wanted to take<br />Things I wanted to show you<br />Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes<br />Who could love you like this?</span></div>
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<b>People say that I am brave but i'm not<br />Truth is i'm barely hanging on<br />But there's a greater story<br />Written long before me<br />Because He loves you like this</b><br /><br />So I will carry you<br />While your heart beats here<br />Long beyond the empty cradle<br />Through the coming years<br />I will carry you<br />All my life<br /><b>And I will praise the One who's chosen me<br />To carry you</b><br /><br /><b>Such a short time<br />Such a long road<br />All this madness<br />But I know<br />That the silence<br />Has brought me to His voice<br />And He says</b><br />i've shown her photographs of time beginning<br />Walked her through the parted seas<br />Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes<br />Who could love her like this?<br /><br /><b>I will carry you<br />While your heart beats here<br />Long beyond the empty cradle<br />Through the coming years<br />I will carry you<br />All your life<br />And I will praise the One who's chosen Me<br />To carry you</b></div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-44030159957091260912017-06-29T21:19:00.003-05:002017-06-29T21:25:57.332-05:00God is Good + a video<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The longer I live, the more I am convinced that God is SUPREMELY GOOD. And not just good because he has to be good (because he's God), but good even when he DOESN'T have to be. Like, when I wouldn't notice one way or the other, if he didn't show his goodness. Does that make sense? He is constantly surprising me in the intimate & extravagant displays of his love for me. He not only wants me to know he loves me, its like he just keeps saying <i>"See??? I LOVE YOU! I will shout it from the mountains and surprise you in the best ways possible. I. LOVE. You, Sheyenne." </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">We've been studying Kings in church the past couple of weeks and reading from 1 and 2 Samuel. This week's sermon was so relevant to my heart-- it was about David's tragedies of sin. How David had choices to make, and even though he messed up, God still used him to bring forth our Messiah. One of the points our pastor, Nathan, spoke about was this: Will my story be a story of regret or of restoration? He went on to talk about some of the Psalms that David penned while he was in the midst of his transgressions and crying out for God's forgiveness. Psalm 51 is one of those, but then he mentioned another Psalm... Psalm 145. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tear-wrinkled pages of my Bible on Psalm 145</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Psalm 145.... its a Psalm I know with the very core of my being. In my Bible the pages of this Psalm are wrinkled with tears that have fallen on them through the years. Here is what Psalm 145 says::</span></div>
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<span class="text Ps-145-1" id="en-NIV-16322" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Psalm 145<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-16322a" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-16322a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.71em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+145&version=NIV#fen-NIV-16322a" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</span></span></span></h3>
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<span class="text Ps-145-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A psalm of praise. Of David.</span></span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">1 </span>I will exalt you,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16322A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16322A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> my God the King;<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16322B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16322B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I will praise your name<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16322C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16322C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> for ever and ever.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-2" id="en-NIV-16323" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">2 </span>Every day I will praise<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16323D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16323D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> you</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-2" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and extol your name<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16323E" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16323E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> for ever and ever.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-3" id="en-NIV-16324" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">3 </span>Great<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16324F" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16324F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> is the <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> and most worthy of praise;<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16324G" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16324G" title="See cross-reference G">G</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-3" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">his greatness no one can fathom.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16324H" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16324H" title="See cross-reference H">H</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-4" id="en-NIV-16325" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">4 </span>One generation<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16325I" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16325I" title="See cross-reference I">I</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> commends your works to another;</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-4" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">they tell<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16325J" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16325J" title="See cross-reference J">J</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of your mighty acts.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16325K" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16325K" title="See cross-reference K">K</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-5" id="en-NIV-16326" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">5 </span>They speak of the glorious splendor<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16326L" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16326L" title="See cross-reference L">L</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of your majesty—</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-5" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and I will meditate on your wonderful works.<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-16326b" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-16326b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+145&version=NIV#fen-NIV-16326b" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote b">b</a>]</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16326M" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16326M" title="See cross-reference M">M</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-6" id="en-NIV-16327" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">6 </span>They tell<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16327N" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16327N" title="See cross-reference N">N</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of the power of your awesome works—<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16327O" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16327O" title="See cross-reference O">O</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-6" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and I will proclaim<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16327P" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16327P" title="See cross-reference P">P</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> your great deeds.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16327Q" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16327Q" title="See cross-reference Q">Q</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-7" id="en-NIV-16328" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">7 </span>They celebrate your abundant goodness<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16328R" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16328R" title="See cross-reference R">R</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-7" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and joyfully sing<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16328S" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16328S" title="See cross-reference S">S</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of your righteousness.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16328T" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16328T" title="See cross-reference T">T</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-8" id="en-NIV-16329" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">8 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> is gracious and compassionate,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16329U" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16329U" title="See cross-reference U">U</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-8" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">slow to anger and rich in love.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16329V" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16329V" title="See cross-reference V">V</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-9" id="en-NIV-16330" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">9 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> is good<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16330W" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16330W" title="See cross-reference W">W</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> to all;</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-9" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">he has compassion<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16330X" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16330X" title="See cross-reference X">X</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> on all he has made.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-10" id="en-NIV-16331" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">10 </span>All your works praise you,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16331Y" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16331Y" title="See cross-reference Y">Y</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span>;</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-10" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">your faithful people extol<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16331Z" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16331Z" title="See cross-reference Z">Z</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> you.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16331AA" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16331AA" title="See cross-reference AA">AA</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-11" id="en-NIV-16332" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">11 </span>They tell of the glory of your kingdom<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16332AB" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16332AB" title="See cross-reference AB">AB</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-11" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and speak of your might,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16332AC" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16332AC" title="See cross-reference AC">AC</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-12" id="en-NIV-16333" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">12 </span>so that all people may know of your mighty acts<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16333AD" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16333AD" title="See cross-reference AD">AD</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-12" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16333AE" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16333AE" title="See cross-reference AE">AE</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-13" id="en-NIV-16334" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">13 </span>Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16334AF" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16334AF" title="See cross-reference AF">AF</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-13" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and your dominion endures through all generations.</span></span></span></div>
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<div class="poetry top-05" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
<div class="line" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-13" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> is trustworthy<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16334AG" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16334AG" title="See cross-reference AG">AG</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> in all he promises<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16334AH" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16334AH" title="See cross-reference AH">AH</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-13" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and faithful in all he does.<span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-16334c" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-16334c" title="See footnote c">c</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+145&version=NIV#fen-NIV-16334c" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote c">c</a>]</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-14" id="en-NIV-16335" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">14 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> upholds<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16335AI" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16335AI" title="See cross-reference AI">AI</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> all who fall</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-14" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and lifts up all<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16335AJ" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16335AJ" title="See cross-reference AJ">AJ</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> who are bowed down.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16335AK" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16335AK" title="See cross-reference AK">AK</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-15" id="en-NIV-16336" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">15 </span>The eyes of all look to you,</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-15" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and you give them their food<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16336AL" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16336AL" title="See cross-reference AL">AL</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> at the proper time.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-16" id="en-NIV-16337" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">16 </span>You open your hand</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-16" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and satisfy the desires<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16337AM" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16337AM" title="See cross-reference AM">AM</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of every living thing.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-17" id="en-NIV-16338" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">17 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> is righteous<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16338AN" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16338AN" title="See cross-reference AN">AN</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> in all his ways</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-17" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and faithful in all he does.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16338AO" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16338AO" title="See cross-reference AO">AO</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-18" id="en-NIV-16339" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">18 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> is near<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16339AP" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16339AP" title="See cross-reference AP">AP</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> to all who call on him,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16339AQ" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16339AQ" title="See cross-reference AQ">AQ</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-18" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">to all who call on him in truth.</span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-19" id="en-NIV-16340" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">19 </span>He fulfills the desires<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16340AR" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16340AR" title="See cross-reference AR">AR</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> of those who fear him;<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16340AS" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16340AS" title="See cross-reference AS">AS</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-19" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">he hears their cry<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16340AT" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16340AT" title="See cross-reference AT">AT</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> and saves them.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16340AU" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16340AU" title="See cross-reference AU">AU</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="text Ps-145-20" id="en-NIV-16341" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">20 </span>The <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span> watches over<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16341AV" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16341AV" title="See cross-reference AV">AV</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> all who love him,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16341AW" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16341AW" title="See cross-reference AW">AW</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-20" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">but all the wicked he will destroy.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16341AX" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16341AX" title="See cross-reference AX">AX</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-145-21" id="en-NIV-16342" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">21 </span>My mouth will speak<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16342AY" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16342AY" title="See cross-reference AY">AY</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> in praise of the <span class="small-caps" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: small-caps; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal;">Lord</span>.</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-21" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">Let every creature<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16342AZ" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16342AZ" title="See cross-reference AZ">AZ</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> praise his holy name<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-16342BA" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-16342BA" title="See cross-reference BA">BA</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-145-21" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">for ever and ever.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I read Psalm 145 for the first time when I was pregnant with Whitney. The Holy Spirit led me to these verses and my heart was so confused. At first, my tears that fell on the pages were tears of pain. Disbelief. Longing and searching.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Could these words be true, Lord? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Are you really good to all? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Are you really as good and as gracious as David is saying you are??? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>How can you be good to me in this time right now, when my baby girl-- that you formed inside of me-- is going to die before she even takes a breath? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>How are you good to all you have made? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>And how can one generation show your works to another, when the next generation of my family is going to die? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>What splendors of majesty will we have to tell about? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>I fear you, Lord and yet this desire of my heart is seemingly not going to be fulfilled. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Do you truly hear my cries???</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Those were my initial thoughts when I read through Psalm 145. Disbelief. Skepticism. The words "incompatible with life" and "terminate immediately" were ringing in my ears. I prayed and wept and kept pouring over this Psalm that the Spirit kept gently guiding me toward. And slowly, in a matter of days, a peace like none other flooded my soul and God SPOKE the words of this Psalm to my heart. He said, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"I am good. I do have compassion on all I have made, even Whitney. Even you, Sheyenne. I am trustworthy, and I am faithful. I will hold you up, and I hear your cries. Whitney's story will indeed tell of my wonderful works, and you will tell of my goodness for many generations to come. I am gracious and compassionate. Praise my name without reservation."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">From that moment on, I read this chapter every day and did not waver once on our decision to carry Whitney despite her adverse prenatal diagnosis. When you hear the voice of God so clearly speaking through scripture, its kind of hard to go back on it! This Psalm continued to play an integral part in our journey with Whitney... my mom read this Psalm over me while I was in labor, about to give birth to our precious firstborn. Tears streamed down my face, but I could recite the words with confidence and conviction, knowing they were true. He IS gracious and compassionate, even now. He DOES see me in my pain and hears my cries. I WILL tell of his goodness all of my days, and Whitney's story will be a centerpiece to the millions of ways He has shown his faithfulness and love to ALL he has made. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Back to the sermon today.... Pastor Nathan said that too many people live a life of regret. And the thing about God is, you have to keep reading to the very end! God's restoration is coming!!! We read all through the Old Testament to get to God's redemption of King David.... all through the Old Testament, and then, finally, in the first verses of Matthew, in the New Testament, there is this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">This is the genealogy</span><span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-23146a" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-23146a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1#fen-NIV-23146a" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote a">a</a>]</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"> of Jesus the Messiah</span><span class="footnote" data-fn="#fen-NIV-23146b" data-link="[<a href="#fen-NIV-23146b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1#fen-NIV-23146b" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; color: #b34b2c; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: top;" title="See footnote b">b</a>]</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"> the son of David,</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-23146D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-23146D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;"> the son of Abraham:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Messiah!!!!! From the lineage of King David!!! Oh, sweet restoration and a story only God could write! I am so thankful that God directed me to Psalm 145 and that he is still restoring and writing my story of brokenness. And even more than that, I am thankful that God would see fit to use a man like David, as flawed as he was, to write the greatest come back story of redemption that history has ever seen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our worship leader, Guy Roseen and band played this song, Psalm 145. I had never heard it before but knew it was going to be good and so I recorded it. Excuse the shakiness in some parts... its hard to cry and hold a camera still! But friends, God is so good. He is so, so good. And back to my point about God showing his goodness even when he doesn't have to.... today was one of those examples. I was having a perfectly fine day, but God in his goodness used this song, and these verses to remind me just how good he really is. </span></div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-7472581302537155262014-05-06T13:23:00.002-05:002019-05-11T15:02:26.497-05:00When You're Doing Your Best Just to Enter the Sanctuary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "arial";">So Mother's Day is this Sunday. One can hardly miss it, what with the explosion of pinks and florals in every store. Its a great holiday that technically everyone should be able to celebrate... after all, none of us would be here with out our moms. I love my mom, mother-in-law and grandmas. They are all wonderful, amazing women of God, whom I am so thankful for and I appreciate the Hallmark holiday of an opportunity to let them know how much I do love them. Its one of the few times I year I actually send out snail mail! But there's another side to Mother's Day and all the hoopla that surrounds it that causes my heart to break when I see the frilly displays of cards and Whitman's Samplers. Its the reminder that I am a mother who has lost her child. While that is part of my daily reality, of course, special occasions and holidays such as this one are even stronger reminders of the emptiness in my arms. </span><br />
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Many people may not understand this, since I now have two adorable little girls. Empty arms? Aren't my arms (and hands) full with a toddler and an infant? Just ask anyone who saw me at the grocery store this morning, both kids in tow, my little stroller basket overflowing with much needed groceries as one baby cried and the other ran along beside me "trying" to calm her down. The looks of pity were enough to slay a kitten. Yes, my hands are full but my arms still feel achingly empty at times. While I love Gia and Joanna more than I ever thought possible, I still miss Whitney tremendously. Having children after a loss will not replace the baby who's gone any more than adding salt instead of sugar will sweeten your coffee. Something, some <i>one</i> is still missing.</div>
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A lot of churches have a Baby Dedication Sunday usually in the same week or month as Mother's Day. While I understand that this completely makes sense, its kind of like a double whammy for a heart that is already grieving. The year Whitney was born, I didn't go to church the entire month of May-- I just couldn't handle it. And when I was at church, I wanted in and out with as little interaction as possible. <i><b>I was doing my best to enter the sanctuary.</b> </i>My absence was not met with compassion or understanding, rather criticism and judgement. God-forbid I miss the Hallmark sermon, and the gift afterwards of a carnation and Bump-it. (yes, they gave away Bump-its to moms. No, I am not kidding.) What I would have given to have been met with open arms, understanding and good gracious, <i>grace</i>! We are no longer at that church and I'm thankful we are now serving at a wonderful church, full of grace and caring people who love us deeply.</div>
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But my point in sharing all this is not so you will feel sorry for me. Its to give you permission. Permission to grieve however you damn well need to grieve. And permission to do whatever the hell you need to do on Mother's Day. Nowadays, I don't mind Mother's Day so much. I enjoy going to church and even accept the pangs of longing I usually feel... longings for Heaven, where death is conquered and eternity with Christ is reality. Where I'll get to hold my baby girl again, and she will praise our mighty God alongside her sisters. I enjoy the day as a mom of three beautiful daughters, for whom I am so deeply thankful to God. Its definitely one of those bittersweet days. But I can't help thinking of the many people who are struggling on Sunday.<i style="font-weight: bold;"> Who are just doing their best to enter the sanctuary.</i> The daughter who's mom died this year after a fierce battle with ALS. The couple who just had another negative pregnancy test after years of infertility. The man who's mom died when he was 16. The young woman who's mom was emotionally absent and chemical-dependent. We all enter with wounds that can only be healed by the wounds of Jesus. (1 Peter 2:24; Isaiah 53:5)<br /><br />So if you're a mom (or even a grandma, aunt, dad, etc) who is dreading this Mother's Day because your baby is missing from your arms, know that you are not alone. If your relationship with your mother is more complicated than the commercial cards you can find at Kroger, you're not alone. If the only address you have to send a Mother's Day card is "Heaven," you are not alone. And please know that we won't judge you if you want to stay home, or if you need a "bathroom break" when all the babies go down front, or it just gets to be too much. Know that I am praying for you, from the depths of my soul to the feet of Jesus, praying his grace and mercy on your heart. I am praying that the God of hope will fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13), even in your seasons of grief. </div>
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And if you are doing your best but still can't make it into the sanctuary this Mother's Day, please know that's ok. Because our God is so big, <i>he will come to you</i>. He will meet you from wherever you are seeking him-- broken heart, shambled soul, empty arms, cried-out eyes. In fact, he wants that part of you, because he wants all of you. No need to pretty it up for Sunday. Don't cake make-up over your tear-stained cheeks. Run to him who is able to do infinitely more than we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Give him your grief and accept his grace, which is so much more than sufficient for all of our needs (and even made perfect in our weaknesses- 2 Corinthians 12:9). And know that you are loved and I am lifting you up in prayer. And if you happen to be at my church tomorrow and need an extra hug, let me know you're doing your best just to enter the sanctuary and I'll know exactly what you mean.<br />
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-22849119354763693522014-03-19T22:03:00.001-05:002014-03-19T22:03:07.248-05:00Where there is Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I saw this tonight while I was, you know, browsing Pinterest and it stopped me in my websurfing tracks. "Where there's life, there's hope." YES! This immediately made me think of Whitney... even after her fatal diagnosis, her heart was still beating. There was still life. And because there was still life, there was HOPE. Hope for healing, hope for a miracle, hope for the sake of HOPE. And now, having come through that time in our life without the healing, without the miracle that we were hoping for, I can still say with all the certainty in my heart, that HOPE was not wasted. Hope is never wasted... In fact, its because of Whitney that I have learned hope is a gift. It teaches us to long for and believe in something bigger than ourselves. And even when that hope doesn't unfold like we, well, hoped it would, I am still grateful-- oh, so grateful-- for it. So yes, where there is life, there is hope. Is your heart beating? Is there a glimmer of green beneath the cold, dead ground in your life? Then There. Is. HOPE. Don't be afraid of it... run towards it, embrace it, believe it-- Believe HIM with all your heart. romans 15:13 tells me that God is a God of HOPE-- yes, that is my God! And that is my HOPE. We could have chosen to end Whitney's life, but her heart was still beating... and there was still hope. Even now, as her heart is not beating in this life (or even in the next), I still have hope. I carry a piece of her with me always ("I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart...). My hope in her healing <i><b>was</b></i> fulfilled and because of Christ and the fact that my hope is ultimately in Him, this HOPE I have will never return void. </div>
Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-24890045819670321742014-02-10T21:09:00.001-06:002014-02-10T21:09:36.559-06:00Welcoming the Waves<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">I've gone about today in pretty much the same way I've shuffled through the past 6 weeks or so. Wake up earlier than I usually would to feed a squirmy ball of love and delight. She's been sleeping such long stretches at night that I usually have to pump a little bit of milk so I don't overwhelm her when she nurses. Rock her back to sleep. Try to sleep again myself. Wake up again to a usually happy squirmy ball of love and delight. At some point in the day (usually just before bed) I will pour the precious ounces of liquid gold sustenance into a baggie to freeze for later use. I'll pull apart the pieces of the pump's plastic and plunge them into hot, soapy water. Scrub. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Routine.</span><br />
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But this afternoon, my routine was interrupted. That <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/2010/03/grief-is-strange-monster.html" target="_blank">strange, ugly monster</a> who's been graciously silent for quite some time, reared his ugly head again. Grief. As I disassembled my pump, I thought back to life 4 years ago. There was no sink full of soapy water. No bleary-eyed late-night feedings. Instead, there were frozen peas and ice cold cabbage stuffed into a sports bra that was two sizes too small. Whitney had passed away, but apparently, my body didn't get the memo. My milk came in just as it would have if she had been there to receive its nourishment. And it hurt. It stung. It burned. My body was betraying me, a constant reminder of my baby who was not in my arms. As I wept from the physical pain and the raw emotion of her loss, it seemed that even my body was weeping too. </div>
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The wave of grief washed over me, I felt something new and strange towards the familiar, ugly monster of Grief: I welcomed it. I steadied myself with wet hands on the side of my cold kitchen sink and let salty tears fall to my cheeks. I let myself feel the squeeze of loss as my heart physically ached. Moms who have empty arms know just how real this kind of physical heart ache is. For that moment, I welcomed every bittersweet memory and emotion Grief threw at me. The tide rolled in, and faster than real time, the tide rolled out. "They" (whoever "they" are) always tell you Grief is a journey. (Here's another post from a few years ago about this <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/2010/03/grief-in-united-states-of.html" target="_blank">Grief journey</a>.) Four years in, I'm beginning to learn what that means. And I'm learning with greater clarity what it means in <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=MSG" target="_blank">1 Thessalonians</a> that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. I'm learning its okay to grieve, to miss what should have been-- the birthday candles that will never be blown out, the gifts that will never be opened... well, the list of "should have been's" is endless. But in my grief, I can't forget the future that I know will be. And I know that it will be far greater than anything we're missing out on in this life. As it says in The Message translation of 1 Thes: "Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus."</div>
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Tomorrow, Whitney would have been 4. We've all been a little busy lately, what with a newborn and all. When we haven't been busy, we've been hopelessly snowed in. I haven't had time to plan much at all for Whitney's birthday... no special planned <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/2011/02/raok-day-all-in-one.html" target="_blank">acts of kindness</a>, no gifts for the hospital nurses- I haven't even bought a cake mix yet. (Yes, keeping it real- cake mix.) I'm trying to practice giving myself grace in this area this year. Its hard to picture what life would be like with Whitney... Gia is only 2, so I don't know what its like to have a 4 year old running around. I'm only just learning what its like to have two kids... some days I drift off to Neverland, wondering what we'd be doing as a family of 5. There's always Neverland... a place where time stands still, and Whitney is whatever beautiful age I imagine her to be. But in reality, I know nothing of that life what should have been. I only know what is true for now, the life we are given and living for real. So tomorrow, we will bake a cake, sing happy birthday, and blow out a candle for our first born girl who is in Heaven. I'll stumble over words as I try to explain Heaven to my 2 year-old. I'll shed a few tears as we look at her pictures, and tell Gia its ok to be sad sometimes. I'll hold Whitney's bunny and try desperately to remember the tiny details of her face, her hands, her hair, that time has slowly erased. I'll remember the supernatural goodness of our Lord and the unbelievable graciousness in his provision. And I'll remember the <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/p/reason-for-hope.html" target="_blank">Reason for our Hope</a>. As waves of grief sneak up behind me, I'll welcome the warmth as they wash over me. The waves remind that Whitney is real, she was here, I held her in my arms, and she is worth crying for. The after that, I'll go back to the sink full of soapy water and continue to love my babies more each day. Love. Hug. Kiss. Cuddle. Repeat. Routine. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-73195350579074339382013-10-01T13:26:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.904-05:00Sovereignty<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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On Facebook, I came across a song by Shane & Shane that I had never heard before called "Though You Slay Me." Everybody needs a little more Shane &; Shane in their life, so I clicked the YouTube link to listen to it. What I found after the jump is one fo the most beautiful things I''ve ever heard, but some of the lyrics I didn't completely understand. So before you listen to the song, watch this short clip explaining the story behind the song.</div>
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/z9g9WUKMQ2c?rel=0" width="560"></iframe><br /><br />Now you can listen to the song... It has an excerpt from John Piper that is the best part of this video... be sure the listen to that, too. What gets better than some Shane & Shane + John Piper?<br /><br /><br /><iframe frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/qyUPz6_TciY?rel=0" width="560"></iframe><br />I've copied the lyrics here below, in case you want to follow along as you listen. (I always like to do this when I hear a new song for the first time.)<br /><br /><a href="http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Shane+And+Shane/Though+You+Slay+Me/" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;">Shane & Shane - Though You Slay Me Lyrics</a><br /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Helvetica Roman', sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px;">I come, God, I come<br />I return to the Lord<br />The one who's broken<br />The one who's torn me apart<br />You struck down to bind me up<br />You say You do it all in love<br />That I might know You in Your suffering<br /><br />Though You slay me<br />Yet I will praise You<br />Though You take from me<br />I will bless Your name<br />Though You ruin me<br />Still I will worship<br />Sing a song to the one who's all I need<br /><br />My heart and flesh may fail<br />The earth below give way<br />But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord<br />Lifted high on that day<br />Behold, the Lamb that was slain<br />And I'll know every tear was worth it all<br /><br />Though You slay me<br />Yet I will praise You<br />Though You take from me<br />I will bless Your name<br />Though You ruin me<br />Still I will worship<br />Sing a song to the one who's all I need<br /><br />Though tonight I'm crying out<br />Let this cup pass from me now<br />You're still all that I need<br />You're enough for me<br />You're enough for me<br /><br />Though You slay me<br />Yet I will praise You<br />Though You take from me<br />I will bless Your name<br />Though You ruin me<br />Still I will worship<br />Sing a song to the one who's all I need<br />Sing a song to the one who's all I need</span><br />__________________<br /><br />If you haven't been in a hospital room like Shane describes in the first video, or in one of the trial Piper references, you will be. If you haven't experienced misery in the path of obedience, you will. Not being a Debbie Downer, just being realistic about life on this Earth.<br /><br />October is Infant Loss awareness month. Its easy to go through my life now, several years removed from the loss of Whitney and not think too much about her. (I think this is a self-preservation thing, not meaning I love her any less.) Gia keeps me hopping and the new one growing inside joyfully wears out whatever energy is left over in a day. And to be honest, sometimes remembering Whitney hurts. Ok, it always hurts. But some days more than others. So it gets easier to ignore it, and just get through the days as they come, without looking at the things that have passed. But when I do that, I am neglecting a season of life where the goodness and sovereignty of God has never been greater. And who doesn't need to be reminded of that? I sure do. And it seems I'm entering yet another season of life where I am having to seek out and remind myself of God's sovereignty. He hasn't shown up with an answer yet, but I know He will. Looking back at the time we had with Whitney, and the way His goodness radiated through every millisecond of that season brings me hope and renews my faith. So if reminding myself of the truths about God involves some pain from the loss of the past, I know it is worth it to remain faithful to the calling that we have received. Even better than that? I know ultimately there will be a day where there is no pain in remembering Whitney, because she will be right beside me or better yet, in my arms, and we will be praising the sovereignty and goodness of our God at His very feet.<br /></div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-51304752099756909702013-02-09T13:26:00.000-06:002013-10-16T13:27:26.878-05:00With Hope On Our Breath<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Bought these candles for Whitney's birthday cake on Monday. Didn't hit me til I was driving home that she won't be the one to blow them out. But we will. We'll light them, and think of her, then blow them out with hope on our breath as we continue to anticipate the Togetherness of Heaven.</div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-26838854832831217182013-02-08T13:25:00.000-06:002013-10-16T13:27:26.862-05:00Is It Over?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've joined the rest of America and fallen in love with Downton Abbey. I watched the first two seasons in less than a week, and would be lying if I told you I didn't eagerly anticipate Sunday evenings for each new episode from seaon 3. </div>
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**** Spolier ALERT**** If you aren't caught up on Season 3 yet (with where it is in American TV schedules), don't read any further. I am going to talk about a major spoiler. </div>
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I'll give you a chance to click off the screen....</div>
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Really, I mean it....</div>
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I hate spoilers. So just wanted to give you fair warning.</div>
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Oh, and if you've already watched all of Season 3, no spoilers in the comments either please!</div>
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Mmkay.....</div>
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******</div>
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Ok, here goes. Stop reading if you're not in season 3 yet, silly!</div>
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Here's a cute pic of Gia in case you are still reading... last chance. Spoiler ahead.</div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c36ba6fd6970b-pi" style="color: #4c1973; display: inline; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="2013-01-28 15.17.09" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017c36ba6fd6970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c36ba6fd6970b-320wi" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="2013-01-28 15.17.09" /></a><br /></div>
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A couple of weeks ago, in perhaps the greatest shock of the series so far, Lady Sybil dies in childbirth. Last week's episode opened with a scene where the entire family was together (sans Sybil now, of course) in the drawing room (whatever that is). The funeral was now over, all other guests paying their respect of mourning had left. Violet Crawley, the Dowager Countess was preparing to go home when she leaned down, kissed Lady Grantham (Sybil's mother) on the cheek and said, "Now that its over, try and get some rest." After Violet had left, Cora looks at her husband and rhetorically questioned, "<strong><em>Is</em></strong> it over? When a woman loses her child, is it ever <em>really</em> over?"</div>
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Her words stung my heart with truth. Whitney's birthday is Monday. It has completely snuck up on me this year. I guess that's what happens when life continues to move forward, with or without all the people you love. Cora's grief-filled words have been ringing in my head ever since that episode aired a few weeks ago. <strong><em>Is it ever really over?</em></strong> </div>
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Well, what is "<strong><em>it</em></strong>" exactly? The grief? Three years out now, I do have to say that the grief does get better. Better is perhaps the wrong word for it... easier certainly isn't the correct term either. It will never be easy, so how can it be easier? I suppose it is accurate to say that the stifling grip of grief does loosen a bit as the years go on. That feeling of gasping for air under the tremendous weight of loss gradually lifts to the point where I can breathe somewhat normally again. Every now and then, even a deep breath is possible. But the grief never goes away completely. </div>
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What about the pain? The physical ache that is impossible to alleviate because the cure for this ailment now resides in another world altogether. Much like learning to live with a chronic condition, that pain never goes away. Temporary elixirs- other children, a new hobby or job, a change of scenery- may, again, lessen the pain. But the condition itself remains because like I just said, losing a child crosses the boundaries of this world and throws you into the next. </div>
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The emptiness? Much like grief, the extremity of the emptiness lessens with time, but its always still there. One less child at Christmas, one less birthday on the calendar, one less outfit for the start of school. One extra seat at the table, one ghostly, extra space for another car seat in the back. As the years go on, the emptiness resides as other bits of life begin to fill it up unintentionally, but its never really gone.</div>
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And finally, the "<em><strong>it</strong></em>" of taboo. This is perhaps the one I am most eager to be rid of. That feeling of not wanting to alienate others, so when asked about children in casual conversation, I pretend that Whitney was never here. Afterall, what is more taboo than talking about your dead child with a complete stranger? The part that hurts the worst, though, is that I don't just do this with strangers. Its with people I know, people who love us. But I sometime still gloss over the loss. In November, the International Conference on Missions was in Indy. We had a great time attending the conference and got to see a lot of our friends from college. We saw one of our professors, who was also the man that performed our wedding ceremony. I don't think we'd seen him in the almost 9 years that we'd been married, so we spent some time catching up. We had Gianna with us, and he asked if she was our first. With a plastered Stepford-like smile, I quickly replied, "Yup. Yes. She's our first & only." Then we rambled on about the blessing of children, etc. etc. This is a man who loves both me & Sean... who performed our wedding, for crying out loud! And I couldn't muster the courage to tell him about the singlemost defining moment of our marriage? What was wrong with me? It all goes back to the taboo... losing a child isn't normal. We don't know how to respond. And I didn't want to bring in the awkwardness that was sure to come. Although in hindsight, I know he would have just looked at us with his caring eyes, perhaps even with tears in them, and wanted to know more about Whitney. Which I would have loved to tell him. I'm still navigating this part of Loss. Its sticky and tricky and weird. I'm ready for the taboo of loss to be over. </div>
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So, dear Cora (whose name I adore, by the way), no. It is never really over. Not in this life at least. Grief continues, but so does life. The stifling grip of grief grows weaker, more tired over time. In fact, I've learned that the more intent on living I become, the weaker the grip of grief is. Thats not to say there won't be moments of overwhelmind sadness or pain. But I've learned to temper them with the truth that in the next life- the eternal life of knowing God and experiencing nearness with Him, it will be over. </div>
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I am going through a study on Prayers of the Bible by Susan Hunt. The one I just read this afternoon was about Glory. It talked about how in heaven, we will be with God, have nearness with him. Christ knows us and we know him beacuse we have belonged to Him since eternity past. Christ came to live in nearness to us so that he could fulfill the saving act of redemption, by dying for my sins on the cross. Understanding that gives hope that though pain is part of life right now, there is a day coming when it really will be over. </div>
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<em>"They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."</em> Revelation 21:3b-4</div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-1846449448635626792012-12-20T13:24:00.000-06:002013-10-16T13:27:26.852-05:00Hopeful Anticipation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I walked into the kitchen to refill my ice water. My parents had been holed up in the kitchen for well over an hour, being busy little elves wrapping all our Christmas presents. Its rare that we are all together on Christmas. My parents live overseas, and my sister, brother and I all live in different states spread across the country. </div>
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As I walked over to the sink, mom said "I'm a little weepy today. Its not because I'm upset, but I just really miss Whitney right now and think I need a hug." I gave my mom a huge bear hug, tears welling up in my own eyes. Mom pulled back and said, "I think Dad needs a hug, too." I turned around and my teary eyes met the misty eyes of my daddy. I gave him a huge hug, as we both said how very much we wished Whitney was here with all of us now. </div>
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This is family. This is Christmas. Speaking the hard words, but never feeling alone in them. I hardly get to see my parents througout the year. But I am so thankful that when I do, they remember her. There are three stockings hung on the stair rail for all the littles... Oh, how I wish there were 4. But I am filled with joy and overwhelming gratitude for the Saviour that came to conquer death and give us life ever after with Him. Our arms that ache to hold Whitney are filled with hopeful anticipation of the day that He will wipe the tears from our eyes, and we will meet her again. But even better than that, we will know complete & holy worship of the One who loved us enough to send His only son, to die for my sins, so that we would not know eternal death but eternal life instead. Oh, what a glorious gift!</div>
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My heart and prayers are with all of you who are missing a loved one this Christmas. Though the pain and loss are very real and ever-present, please know that in Christ-- the one who came to give us life eternal-- there is hope. There is peace. There is joy. There is restoration. There is redemption. May you experience all of those this season. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-2564182867208716122012-10-15T13:23:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.857-05:00Our Wave of Light 2012<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-71884347397774178522012-10-14T13:22:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.901-05:00CYG: Treasured Item<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c32836211970b-pi" style="color: #1f0533; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Treasured1" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017c32836211970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c32836211970b-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Treasured1" /></a><br />This is the bunny that Sean and I got for Whitney before she was born. People had told me that I should bring a stuffed animal with me to the hospital when she was born so that I wouldn't have empty arms. You know, since my baby wouldn't be coming home with me. We picked this precious bunny out at Anthropologie and have cherished it ever since. When Whitney was born, we took pictures of Bunny holding her. When I handed Whitney over, out of my arms for the last time, I clung to this bunny with all my might. Bunny has snuggled between Sean and me on cold, rainy days when we missed her so much. And now, Gia love this bunny. She lays on top of it and squeezes with all her might. I love telling her about her big sister when she does this. </span></div>
Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-45358459421358027542012-10-14T13:21:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.874-05:00International Wave of Light 2012<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px;"><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42a4150970d-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Candle" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42a4150970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42a4150970d-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Candle" /></a><br />Tomorrow, October 15th is the International Wave of Light. Its a day where everyone in their own respective time zone lights a candle at 7 p.m. in memory of the little ones who have passed away. You leave the candle burning for at least an hour. The effect results in a 24 hour wave of light across the world in memory of our babies. I'll be lighting a candle for Whitney and all of her precious baby friends who have gone on before us. Will you take a couple minutes to light a candle in her memory, too? And if you do, I'd love to see a picture. </span></div>
Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-20277170459816156602012-10-14T13:19:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.854-05:00CYG: Before Loss Self Portrait<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a471970c-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Before loss 1" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a471970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a471970c-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Before loss 1" /></a><br />This is a picture that my dad took of me while we were in Germany, the summer of 2001. My whole family went on a European vacation that was a whirlwind art tour of some of the greatest museums in the world. It was truly spectacular, and the trip of a lifetime. I'd always had the wanderlust bug lying dormant in my soul, and this trip awakened it. It was such a beautiful summer, one that I'll always remember. It has nothing really to do with baby loss, other than the fact that it is a good reminder of the "me" I was <em>before</em>. </div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a8e6970c-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Before loss" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a8e6970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1a8e6970c-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Before loss" /></a><br />Here's another "before loss" picture. We were such babies in this picture! It was taken either shortly before or shortly after we were married (I don't quite remember!). Sometimes after loss, a marriage can get lost. Husband and wife can begin to war against each other, rather than fighting for one another. But I am so thankful for this man, my husband. Throughout our whole pregnancy with Whitney, Sean was by my side 100% and then some. The entire experience brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined. He is the only one in the whole world who knows exactly how I feel about losing Whitney, and I am thankful for the nights he holds me while I cry. I'm thankful for the unexpected times he mentions her name. And I'm thankful for the joy with which we recall God's goodness in the midst of that trial. We were both different people before our loss, but thankfully and only by the grace of God, we have changed together. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-23472549668512706202012-10-13T13:21:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.855-05:00CYG: After Loss Self Portrait<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is my fridge at the moment. You can see Gia's most recent drawings proudly displayed, and right in the middle is a photocopy of Whitney's footprints, along with the name & phone number of the tattoo artist who is going to permanently draw them on my skin. (That's the purple dot... figured Ron didn't want the whole interwebs to have his cell phone number.) The perfect mingling of loss and restoration. Grace and redemption. And God's eternal goodness displayed on my fridge right now. (Thank-you God for these simple, daily reminders of what you have brought us through.)</div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c328325e0970b-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Afterloss3" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017c328325e0970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017c328325e0970b-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Afterloss3" /></a><br />
This picture was taken before the first Walk to Remember that Sean & I attended. We drove down to L.A. to attend a Walk that one of my online Baby Loss Mommy friends was hosting. She asked me to be the speaker for the event and I was thrilled! I was also very newly pregnant with Gianna! So this is a very precious picture for me. We weren't telling too many people about the pregnancy at this point, but you can see a little bit of a 12 week or so belly here. This whole season was such a collision of emotions... joy and grief in their entangled, elaborate dance. </div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b85c970c-pi" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Afterloss" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b85c970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b85c970c-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Afterloss" /></a></div>
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This was at the String of Pearls retreat in Frisco, Colorado that I attended in November 2010. Still just 16 weeks pregnant with Gia, I was able to meet the two most amazing women I know. They both walked my journey of loss with me, loving and praying for me from across the country. God. is. so. good.</div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b9bf970c-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Afterloss1" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b9bf970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb1b9bf970c-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Afterloss1" /></a><br />
This is a selfie I took while in Colorado... this California girl was SO STOKED to see snow. It was beautiful and absolutely breathtaking. </div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42701d6970d-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Afterloss2" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42701d6970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee42701d6970d-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 1px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 1px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 1px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Afterloss2" /></a><br />
Finally, one more "after loss" portrait. I took this picture of us on Christmas Day. After opening our presents and stuff, Sean & I headed out to Whitney's Lake. It was so beautiful that afternoon. We wished so much that we were still at home, knee deep in wrapping paper and playing with a 7 month old baby girl. But instead, it was just us. We were grateful to have each other, and to have "our" place. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-18200227415167746912012-10-13T13:17:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:19:14.962-05:00CYG: Sunrise<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2012/10/cyg-sunrise.html" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: none;">CYG: Sunrise</a></h3>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee426e13b970d-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="Sunrise" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017ee426e13b970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017ee426e13b970d-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 2px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 2px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 2px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 2px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Sunrise" /></a><br />
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I saw this sunrise just a few months after Whitney was born. I wrote about it <a href="http://whitneyjillwilson.blogspot.com/2010/06/show-me-way.html" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">HERE</a>. I'm rarely up for the sunrise, but when I am, its breathtaking. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-30555074673654083032012-10-12T13:15:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:16:38.667-05:00October Baby Loss Month: Capture Your Grief<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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*deep breath*</div>
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October is baby loss awareness month. 3 years ago, this month meant nothing to me, other than Breast Cancer Awareness month. I knew people wore pink to support a cause, but I wasn't personally connected to that. This month- October- as baby loss awareness month, meant nothing to me until, well, until I lost a baby. </div>
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I love Fall. Everything about it... the colors, the smells, the cooler temps, the pumpkin spice everything. But inevitably, there's a moment the comes every October that hits me like a ton of bricks. Its that moment where I remember, amidst all the warm fuzzies of Fall, that the cold is coming. In addition to an increase of reminders of my status as a "baby loss mom", the cold month of February is just around the corner. The month our Whitney was born and died. Don't get me wrong- there is so much beauty in our story... the grace of God's timing, the goodness His sovereignty, the beauty of Whitney herself. But it <em><strong>hurts</strong></em>. It hurts a lot. Ten months our of the year, life seems to lug along, business as usual. But October and February hard. They're reminders of what we had and no longer hold in our arms. </div>
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In the past, I've tried to blog through the month-- without much success. So I'm not setting any time limit on anything or saying that I'll be writing every day. With a busy toddler, that's just unrealisitic. But I do want to participate in something that <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;" target="_blank">Carly Marie</a> is doing with Project Heal called "Capture Your Grief." If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a couple photos with that hashtag. Its a great set of photo prompts to encourage remembering our children who have passed away. I eventually want to get to them all, so know that I am working on it. Here's the line-up for this month. </div>
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<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb18b96970c-popup" style="color: #4c1973; text-decoration: underline;"><img alt="CaptureYourGrief" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb18b96970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c017d3cb18b96970c-320wi" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 2px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 2px; border-right-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 2px; border-style: initial; border-top-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 2px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="CaptureYourGrief" /></a><br />So I'm still here. Surviving and thriving, but missing her, too. </div>
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-13251871409124513852012-07-18T06:20:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.849-05:00My Mom<p>Yesterday July 17 marked yet another year that has passed without my (Sean) mom.  As my consciousness awakened to what day it was I was flooded with the memories of that day that I have tried to suppress.  I will spare you the details but I can say that numbness of her death still plagues my heart.  How can it be? There are so many things left to do with her.  God how can you let such a thing happen after all my prayers to see her healed?<br /> <br /> Since her death I have struggled letting anyone in who would serve as a motherly figure.  More often than not, it is something so deep in my subconscious that I am not fully aware of how I am acting until it is too late.  This bitter pain usually lays dormat, but for some reason yesterday I am fighting it yet again.<br /> <br /> I am thankful for where God has been leading me this past year.  As I try and make sense of what I am feeling I am reminded of the blessing in my life today.  The loss of Whitney was unimaginable and felt like another dagger in my heart, but God remained faithful to us.  His faithfulness was not found in the birth of Gianna (although I rejoice greatly for that blessing) but it was found in what he accomplished 2000 years ago when the Father watched his Son die a criminals death.  It was God's faithfulness to his creation that he would make a way for sin's debt to be paid and that we would have union with God again.  I believe that if God is true and faithful to his promise of the gospel that his promise of a day when no more tears will fall or cancer destroys will also be true.<br /> <br /> As I live anew in the gospel I am awakened to see and feel something that I thought would never be true. When I look at the love of the mother of my child I am overwhelmed with the overarching memory of my mom who loved me so much.  To my sorrow I have forgotten much of what my mom looked like, sounded like, and simply was like; but God has been gracious to me to remind of how she loved.<br /> <br /> I am constantly reminded that life is but a vapor and one day too soon people in our lives will be gone.  Today I am reminded that love will leave a legacy that will never end.  I am also reminded that the only reason we know what love is...is because the Father has first loved us.<br /> <br /> Sorry for the randomness of thoughts...feels good to just them out of my head</p><br /><p> </p><br /><p><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c01774372d05a970d-pi" style="display: inline;"><img alt="221296_1742523768939_6051323_o" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c01774372d05a970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c01774372d05a970d-320wi" title="221296_1742523768939_6051323_o" /></a><br /><br /></p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-78337575342544892582012-06-24T12:24:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.910-05:00Loving My Story<p><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016767d3b43c970b-pi" style="float: left;"><img alt="019b" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c016767d3b43c970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016767d3b43c970b-320wi" style="margin: 0px 5px 5px 0px; border: 1px solid #000000;" title="019b" /></a>I was reading a friends blog the other day, and a short little phrase of honesty really stood out to me.  It wasn't what she was writing about, or even what she intended to have "stick" with the reader, but it stopped me in my tracks.  In addition to saying that she loved her family and she loved her life, she also loved her story.  She is also a baby loss momma, and in the moment I was reading her blog post, I thought to myself "How can she say she loves her story?"  That got me thinking about our story, Whitney's story.  I love Whitney and I am so thankful for her life, but do I love our story?</p><br /><p>At first, I answered "no."  An angry "no" to be honest.  Her story is not one that I would have chosen to write, though there are parts of it that are good.  I love the fact that I got to carry her and be her mom- but why was it only for 31 weeks?  And why did it have to be under such painful circumstances?  I loved giving birth to Whitney.  But why did she have to be dead when it happened?  Why could I never hear her cries or see life in her eyes?  I hate that part of her story.  I love that my mom was able to be at the hospital.  That was SUCH a God-thing.  She was flying in from EGYPT the day we found out Whitney passed away.  SHE WAS ALREADY ON HER WAY TO SEE ME!  But I hate that it all happened too early.</p><br /><p>So on the surface, if you ask me "Do I love my story?" my answer would be no.  No, I really don't.  Its full of heartache and pain and death and loss.  Empty arms and vacant spaces that Whitney should be filling.  But just this weekend, I went out to lunch with a friend.  She's pregnant and we were talking about our previous childbirth experiences (as any and all moms do- by the way, how is it that conversations always seem to gravitate towards this?  Guess its just my season of life.  I definitely enjoy it, though!) and she asked something about Whitney.  I told her with joy about how my mom was able to be there, and my sister- who had a 3 month old baby of her own at home- were able to both be there.  With a heart full of loving gratitude I recounted details of that day Whitney was born- details that, on the surface, I seem to forget.  </p><br /><p>Yes, Whitney's pregnancy was hard.  Sometimes it was sad.  Of course I wish that it had turned out differently.  I wish she were here to teach Gia things that only a big sister can.  But Whitney's story is overflowing with evidences of God's grace and mercy.  Visual, emotional, spiritual and senitmental reminders that even though sin corrupts things on this earth temporarily, God is still on His throne and He is eternally good.  He is forever loving towards ALL he has made and has compassion on His children (Psalm 145)!  And that is the part of Whitney's story that I LOVE.  </p><br /><p>After thinking about all of those things, I asked myself the question again.  Do I love my story?  Yes.  Yes, yes, 100 times, yes!  I love that I was able to be pregnant with her in the first place.  Remember, we tried 3 years to get pregnant.  I loved telling my husband I was pregnant.  I loved buying maternity clothes & dreaming up nurseries.  Receiving Whitney's diagnosis was painful, but I love that God spoke through our hearts to the doctor we saw at the Children's Hospital.  It may not have changed his life forever, but it was definitely a witness to the goodness of our God.  Giving birth to our daughter, knowing she was already in Heaven was hard.  But God's hand was on us in ways I have never felt before and have never experienced since.  I love that part of the story.  And most of all, I love that God is still using Whitney to change people's lives.  He is still using her short life and beautiful story in all kinds of ways... helping people through miscarriages and other losses, helping families enjoy the time they do have with their children, helping parents make the difficult decision to continue a pregnancy despite a fatal diagnosis.  And most of all, giving HOPE.  I love that God has allowed such a potent theme of compassion and grace to flow through my life, and prayerfully, into the lives of others.</p><br /><p>So yes, I love my story.  Pain, loss, heartache and all.  Because I love and live for a risen Saviour- one who has conquered the grave and gives grace freely to anyone who will follow after Him. So I guess that's just what I'm trying to do, and loving my story is a good place to start.  What about you?  What is your story?  Do you love it?</p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-87048818835980115682012-05-11T15:33:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.915-05:00Mother's Day... For the moms who are but aren't<p><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c01676670667e970b-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="2007-06-02peonies" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c01676670667e970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c01676670667e970b-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 1px solid #030000;" title="2007-06-02peonies" /></a></p><br /><p> </p><br /><p style="text-align: justify;">Mother's day is coming up.  And truly, this topic deserves much more time and thought than I can give it right now.  But I just read something that so blessed my heart that I had to share.  I know it will bless so many of my mommy friends out there.  We've all been there on that first Mother's Day without our babies.  I remember the first Mother's Day I was actually a mother.  2010.  Whitney had been born in February, and Mother's Day was of course, in May.  I remember thinking in 2009 how I had longed for a baby to be in my arms for years.  Surely next would be the year that would finally happen.  I was certain of it.  We were still trying to get pregnant, but we'd also started an adoption.  There was no way that I could not be holding my child the next year. </p><br /><p style="text-align: justify;">Of course, we know what happened.  Mother's Day 2010 came and went.  And I felt more alone, more empty than ever. Maybe you've been there too.  Maybe you <strong><em>are</em></strong> there.  You should be holding your baby, snuggling her, or possibly still carrying him.  But you're not.  You're alone (or so it seems), your womb is empty, and instead of celebrating being a mom, you're dreading Sunday.  You're wondering how you will ever sit through a church service that will most likely be dedicated to everything that you feel you are not-- a mother. (For the record, I couldn't go to church on Mother's Day in 2010.  I didn't go in 2011 either.)</p><br /><p style="text-align: justify;">Please know, you are a mom.  If its your only child in Heaven and your arms physically ache with emptiness, know that you are still a mom.  Or if you have two kids already at home, but have one who now praises Jesus in Heaven, you are still a mom of three.  I know there are days when you won't feel like it.  There will be days when you don't feel worthy of the title.  But you were blessed with a life- for however short a season it may have been- and in that season, you became a mom. You are beautiful,and you are strong. </p><br /><p style="text-align: justify;">You simply MUST go over to this <a href="http://caitlinmorgan.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">blog</a> and read this beautiful letter written for YOU.  I know, you may feel lazy and not want to take the extra effort to click the little link (oh! the exertion!) but do it anyway.  Really.... do it!  You will be blessed.</p><br /><p style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://caitlinmorgan.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/for-the-mother-that-thinks-she-isnt/" target="_blank">{for the mother that thinks she isn't}</a></p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-19105075135419818342012-04-30T04:17:00.000-05:002012-10-10T16:00:58.990-05:00Take My Hand<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016765edfea8970b-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="171bw" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c016765edfea8970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016765edfea8970b-320wi" style="border: 1px solid #000000; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="171bw" /></a><br />
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Today as I was getting ready to clean our bathrooms, I was searching for a playlist to get me into "toilet scrubbing" mode. Ok, really I was looking for something uplifting and praiseworthy as I began this not so fun, but oh so necessary task. I did a quick search for "New Praise 2012" or something like that and came up with what looked to be a promising playlist on Spotify. Little did I know how blessed I would be by one little song in this queue. I love God's surprises of love at unexpected times.<br />
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I was almost done with both bathrooms; as I was mopping the floors I heard one stanza from a song with pretty music... "I'm not asking for... safety..." was all I could make out (since I was sort of just half listening, half in dream land). I quickly made my way to the computer and hit rewind. Here is the beautiful song that was playing:<br />
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Its called "Take My Hand" by Linsay McCaul. Here are the lyrics:<br />
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<strong>Take My Hand -Lindsay McCaul & Jason Ingram</strong><br />
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I heard You say it, I know You did<br />
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You called me out into the waves and wind<br />
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And for a moment I was brave and strong<br />
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But now everything is going wrong<br />
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<strong>Didn’t You know that I’d be scared </strong><br />
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<strong>Couldn’t You see I was unprepared</strong><br />
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<strong>I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land </strong><br />
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<strong>I just need You to take my hand</strong><br />
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I could have stayed back where I was before<br />
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And never met You in this raging storm<br />
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You’re telling me that faith is all I need<br />
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But fear is all that I can find in me<br />
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<strong>Didn’t You know that I’d be scared </strong><br />
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<strong>Couldn’t You see I was unprepared</strong><br />
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<strong>I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land</strong><br />
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<strong>I just need You to take my hand</strong><br />
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<em>Cuz I would be ok if You’d take my hand</em><br />
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<em>I wouldn’t be afraid if You’d take my hand</em><br />
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<em>All would fade away if You’d take my hand </em><br />
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<em>If You’d take my hand….</em><br />
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<strong>Didn’t You know that I’d be scared </strong><br />
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<strong>Couldn’t You see I was unprepared</strong><br />
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<strong>I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land </strong><br />
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<strong>I just need You to take...</strong><br />
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<strong>Won’t You please come and take…</strong><br />
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<strong>I just need You to take my hand</strong><br />
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_____________________<br />
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I don't know the history of this song, but if it wasn't written specifically for a baby-loss mom, God sure used it to minister straight to my aching mommy heart anyways! As soon as I heard the line <em>"Didn't you know I'd be scared, couldn't you see I was unprepared/ I'm not asking for reasons you hold/or the safety of land, I just need you to take my hand"</em> my mind was transported back several years to when I was carrying Whitney. So scared. So unprepared. Feeling so inadequate but through it all, feeling immensely <em><strong>called</strong></em>. Called to carry this fragile, tiny life. To bring light to the gift that is LIFE in all situations. I wasn't asking for reasons why she was sick. I didn't ask "why us"? Our constant prayer was for God's guidance. To take my hand.<br />
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And he did. Every step of the way. I think of Peter with Jesus when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water. To the other discipled in the boat, as Peter began to go under, it must have looked like he failed. But Peter learned a valuable lesson that day. Even in the midst of the storm, scary winds, uncertain outcomes Jesus will always be there. Reaching out his hand.<br />
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So many times we ask for an explanation. We ask for God to take away the pain immediately. We ask for a quick way out, a teleport to safety. But that's rarely how it works. Pain is a part of life because we are fallen people. But God is great even in the midst of our pain. Often, we have to walk through it to get the full blessing that lies for us at the end. God doesn't owe us an explanation for why things happen. Sometimes there is no other reason than one word: sin. But the glorious part of this whole entire life we are living is that sin and death are not the end. God wins. Every time and ultimately in the End. God wins. He conquered death when he sent his son, Jesus to die on the cross. But he didn't stay dead. He rose from the grave, and in doing so overcame sin and separation from God! This is Good News people! So when we look for explanations and immediate rescue, <em>the safety of land,</em> if you will- that's not always how it happens. Of course I fully believe with all my heart that God can and does heal people, even still today. But lately I have been trying to change my prayers a bit. They are no long<em> "God take this away. Amen."</em> There's something more like, <em>"God, I know you can heal (me, this situation, this person, etc). I believe in your power and your goodness. But if you choose not to do that right now, show me how I can bring glory to your name through the journey."</em><br />
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I know this is applicable to so many different circumstances. Really, any trial we may face. God is right there with us. He knows our hearts, the fear that creeps in. But what he wants us to know and to take advantage of is that he is always there, reaching out his hand. We just have to take it. I hope that sharing this blesses someone else today the way it has ministered to me. Such a beautiful song!<br />
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-63017996635954293742012-04-20T08:05:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.891-05:00Baby Loss Link-Up<p>Today I am linking up with other moms who have lost children from Kelly's Korner blog.  I am so thankful that Kelly is doing this... Losing a child is difficult and can be a very isolating tragedy.  It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my grief.  This is the blog my husband and I started when we found out 20 weeks into my first pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal condition called Triploidy. The doctors all told us to abort our daughter- triploidy is always, ALWAYS fatal.  Talk about no room for hope!  But my husband and I knew that we serve a God of hope, and chose instead to continue my pregnance, and let God choose when He would take her home.  We figured that we had no hand in starting her tiny little heartbeat, and we had no right to make a decision to stop it.  </p><br /><p>There was one verse in the Bible that really helped us make the decision to continue our pregnancy...Psalm 145</p><br /><p> <sup id="en-NIV-16329">8</sup> The LORD is gracious and compassionate, <br />   slow to anger and rich in love.</p><br /><p> <sup id="en-NIV-16330">9</sup> The LORD is good to all; <br />   he has compassion on all he has made.</p><br /><p>This showed us that for reasons beyond our comprehension, God has allowed this to happen to us.  But it also reassured us that He is GOOD to all he has made, including our baby girl.</p><br /><p>My husband is a youth minister, and at the time I was pregnant, I worked at a crisis pregnancy center.  Some days it felt like a huge knife being thrust into my gut- seeing countless women, mostly young teenagers, who were pregnant and did not want their babies then there was me, pregnant with a baby we had longed for so much, knowing she would die.  I learned the value of life in that season, and that the Lord truly is gracious and compassionate to all His children.  In spite of my personal pain, God was teaching me to love people regardless of my circumstances. </p><br /><p>Throughout my pregnancy with Whitney Jill, there were many bittersweet moments.  The pain of knowing this baby would never crawl, or take her first steps, or say "mama" and "dada" was mixed with the joy of finally being pregnant after 3 long years of trying, and knowing that no matter what the outcome, we were <em>parents</em>!  Even though there was much sadness over what would never be, there was so much joy over the things God was teaching us through our tiny unborn baby.</p><br /><p><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016304826a7a970d-popup"><img alt="233b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016304826a7a970d-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 1px solid #000000;" title="233b" /></a></p><br /><p>Whitney was born February 11, 2010.  Her heart had stopped beating the day before I delivered her.  I was 31 weeks pregnant.  We were able to hold her, take pictures, bathe her, dress her, sing to her and kiss her.  I am forever changed because of her short life, and I know we will never forget her.</p><br /><p>Here are some links to a few key posts:</p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2009/12/my-baby-girl.html">The Beginning </a></p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2009/12/amnio-appointment.html">The Amnio Appointment</a> </p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2009/12/whitney.html">Ultrasound Pictures!! </a></p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2009/12/the-answer-to-the-tests.html">The Diagnosis </a></p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2010/01/maternity-pics.html">Maternity Pictures</a></p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2010/01/3rd-trimester-already.html">Third Trimester</a>! </p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://www.whitneyjill.com/2010/01/he-sings-over-me.html">He Sings Over Me </a>(God's Loving Care)</p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2010/02/tomorrow-we-meet-our-angel.html">Day Before Delivery</a> </p><br /><p style="text-align: left; font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; color: #2500b0; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/seanandshey/2010/02/whitneys-birth-story.html">Whitney's Birth Story</a></span></p><br /><p>The worst thing for a parent who has lost a child is the thought that that child may be forgotten.  We are blessed with some great friends who love to hear about Whitney, aren't afraid to ask questions and who will listen when I want to share something special about her.  That's another reason I think this link-up is so great... it allows us as parents to share about our children who are no longer here with us.  The truth is, I think about Whitney every single day.  Its been two years, and not a day goes by that I don't long to hold her.  So I am thankful for times like this where I can share more of my baby girl with others.</p><br /><p>The rest of the story about us is, life does go on... we have since had another baby girl, Gianna (which means the Lord is gracious) who is completely, 100% HEALTHY and an amazing blessing to our lives.  She is a beautiful illustration of God's redeeming love.  I blog about our family life <a href="http://seanandshey.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">HERE</a>.</p><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c0167657628c0970b-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="P1120682" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c0167657628c0970b" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c0167657628c0970b-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 1px solid #000000;" title="P1120682" /></a><br />(This is our little family on Easter!)<br /><br /></p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-70707035763495583422012-04-03T06:42:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:27:26.895-05:00Girls In Galveston<p><a class="asset-img-link" href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c0168e99acb78970c-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="Galveston" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c0168e99acb78970c" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c0168e99acb78970c-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 1px solid #000000;" title="Galveston" /></a></p><br /><p>I was cleaning out some of my emails today and I found this precious picture for Whitney's name gallery that I never posted.  Its from my bestie, Tracy and her girls.  They spent Thanksgiving in Galveston and she sent me this back in November.  I love how Whitney's name is written in the sand on either side of Emi.  Aside from being my best friend in the whole wide world, we also share a super special bond because<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong> <a href="http://seanandshey.blogspot.com/2009/08/rest-of-story.html" target="_blank">we found out we were pregnant on the same day</a></strong></span>!!!  Me with Whitney and her with sweet Bella.  (Bella's the little one in the pic.)  So Bella will always have a special place in my heart because she reminds me of that awesome day, and helps me to think what Whitney would be like at her age.  Thanks so much BFF... I LYMY!</p><br /><p>You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: </p><br /><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/photos/whitneys_name_gallery/index.html" target="_self"><img alt="" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v213/SheyenneW/NameGallerybutton.png" /></a></p><br /><p>And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click <a href="http://www.whitneyjill.com/whats-in-a-name.html">HERE</a>.</p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-7375178148169801352012-03-11T09:23:00.000-05:002013-10-16T13:14:20.968-05:00The Purple Sweater<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7af41970d-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="Purple Sweater 2" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7af41970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7af41970d-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Purple Sweater 2" /></a><br />
I love this sweater. It is absolutely beautiful. I love its delicate lilac color, the softness of the yarn and the way the hoodie looks when its pulled up over Gia's bald little head. But more than all of that, I love what this sweater represents. It represents HOPE.<br />
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A few months ago, I had the opportunity to go visit my sister who lives in Mesa, AZ. Gia and I trekked across the country on her first ever plane ride (4 1/2 hours!)-- she did great! We had a wonderful time with my sister, brother-in-law and my two nieces & Gia had a blast playing with her cousins. While we were visitng, I got to meet an online friend, whom I had previously never met in person. Years ago, when I was living in NC, I had a group of friends that I met online. I know, I know... it sounds sketchy. To be honest, I can't even remember the exact way we all met, but I spent a good deal of time just chatting with these women and sharing our lives long-distance. I guess it was such a cool thing at the time because in the small town where we lived, I only had one other friend who was even remotely close to my age and she had two young kids. So I could totally relate to my friends online, who were also fairly newly married with no kids. Fast forward 5 or 6 years (and a coast-to-other-coast move), and I didn't really keep in touch with many of them. Life got busy, but I still managed to keep up with just a couple of women from that original online group.<br />
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Then I got pregnant with Whitney and we learned she was sick. These friends that I had never even met were such an encouragement to me. Sending me messages and emails, but more than anything, they just felt my pain with me. I didn't really know the extent to which my friends were affected by Whitney until I was in Arizona and got to meet one of them. Caitlin (hey girl, hey!) and I went to lunch (with Gia, too) and started talking about Whitney. Oh, how sweet it is to have friends who bring up her name. I am so thankful for the many friends God has recently brought into our lives who do so. Caitlin gave me this purple sweater (that she masterfully hand-knitted herself), saying she wasn't sure if it would fit Gia now or not. See, she had originally made this sweater for Whitney. She and our other friend, Tasia (hey girl!) were <em><strong>so certain</strong></em> that God was going to heal Whitney. They had such hope and faith that she would be born alive, all would be well, and she would some day be wearing this purple sweater. I am so humbled by their belief. <br />
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Now, two years laster, as I hold that sweater, I think about that hope and faith my friends had... that everything would be ok... that God would answer our prayers and make my baby girl alright. And I thought about the outcome of that chapter of our lives... that Whitney isn't here and how seemingly, that hope fell flat.<br />
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Last week, in our small group, we were talking about prayer. Specifically, we started talking about whether or not it does any good. Afterall, some times it seems like no matter how hard we pray for something, God either doesn't hear us, or He just doesn't answer. Several people mentioned how they prayed so hard for a loved one to be healed, but they died anyway. A baby dying. A mother. A friend. Where was God in all of that? Why didn't he answer our prayers then? And if he couldn't (or didn't) intervene then, where do we draw upon hope for future pains? I don't know how praying works, but I know that it does. Even in the midst of losing Whitney, I still felt God's peace surrounding us. I believe that is largely due to all the people who were surrounding us with prayer. I don't ever think its God's will for someone to die. Remember, death was not in his original plan. But because we live in a fallen world, crap just happens. And sometimes it happens to innocents, like our babies. And it sucks. But that doesn't mean that we lose hope. Our hope is in something far greater than our temporary circumstances... the hope that Christ brings is in something-rather, someONE, eternal. Someone more powerful and worthy and awesome than we are able to comprehend. Our hope is in the Risen Christ who is continually making all things new for His eternal glory. 1 Peter 1:3 articulates the true hope: "Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..."<br />
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As I look at the purple sweater sitting on the table beside me right now, I think about hope. Hope wasn't lost when Whitney died. The greatest Hope I have is not in anything this world has to offer, but in the One who can bring life beyond this world and beyond my present circumstances. And when I put this beautiful, soft sweater over the silky little head of my Gianna, I am doubly reminded of God's goodness. After Whitney, we hoped for another baby. We hoped and prayed that God would bless us with a child to raise and love. He answered those prayers and more in Gianna. Of course she doesn't replace Whitney... Whitney is an individual, irreplaceable. And just becuase our prayers weren't answered in the way that we thought would be best, doesn't mean that we lose hope or that God forgot about us. In fact, its the exact opposite. He was there beside us, loving us through our loss more than ever before. This much I know is true: this life is fleeting; there will be good and there will be bad. That is all the more reason to put our hope not in earthly things, but in the One above. To surrender my will and my plans, my hopes and my dreams, to the One who holds them all in his hands.<br />
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I'll leave you with this from my favorite verse of all-time:<br />
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<strong>Romans 15:13</strong><br />
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. <a href="http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/p/English-Standard-Version.htm">(ESV)</a><br />
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<a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7afe2970d-popup" onclick="window.open( this.href, '_blank', 'width=640,height=480,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0' ); return false"><img alt="Purple Sweater 1" class="asset asset-image at-xid-6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7afe2970d" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c016302b7afe2970d-320wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="Purple Sweater 1" /></a><br />
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Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1221389297058552963.post-71693962817243202652012-03-05T02:38:00.000-06:002013-10-16T13:27:26.900-05:00Repost: Searching for Triploidy<p>This is a repost of a blog I wrote a few months ago.  In just the past 24 hours, there have been 19 unique searches for "triploidy" that have brought visitors to our blog.  If you are one of them, I just want you to know I am praying for you and your unique situation that only God knows the details of.  My heart goes out to you; I'd love to hear from you if you want to drop me an email. </p><br /><p>REPOST:</p><br /><p><a href="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c014e8ab915d7970d-pi"><img alt="Screen shot 2011-08-17 at 12.27.54 PM" src="http://churchonmission.typepad.com/.a/6a01287563ba3d970c014e8ab915d7970d-500wi" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 2px solid #000000;" title="Screen shot 2011-08-17 at 12.27.54 PM" /></a> <br />After dusting off the interwebs of this blog yesterday, I was looking at the traffic feed for it.  You know, that little thing that tells you where the blog visitors are coming from, and what brought them to the site.  I think the number one way that new people come to my blog is by searching for triploidy. Just today, in the past 16 hours (which is as far back as I could figure out how to go), 9 people have landed on our page about <a href="http://www.whitneyjill.com/triploidy.html" target="_self">Triploidy</a> and it makes my heart hurt.  I am glad that they've found our website, and hopefully they take a little time to read about our experiences with Triploidy.  But it makes me sad because each of those site visits represents an individual who has somehow heard the word "triploidy" in reference to a tiny little life they are just coming to know and love. </p><br /><p>These visitors have been from all over the place... Ohio, Minnesota, Massachusetts, the UK, and Germany.  But the thing that connects us all is that we're all searching for triploidy... what causes triploidy?  Is there a cure for triploidy?  What is the survival rate of triploidy?  Unfortunately, none of the answers are encouraging.  But I hope that when someone searches for triploidy in Google or Yahoo or wherever, they find our story.  And they are able to see the joy that we have from continuing to carry the pregnancy our daughter who had triploidy.  Sure, the ultimate outcome of Whitney's life was still the same-- she passed away.  But the blessings and hope and joys that we experienced along the journey are so great. </p><br /><p>I guess this is just a little interlude to say to those who've found us by searching for triploidy, I get it.  And I'm sorry.  You're probably in a whirlwind of emotions, doctor visits, advice and fear.  I'd love to talk to you if you want... you can email me or leave a message here, as I do check it regularly.  Just know that you don't have to walk this road alone.  There are even some unexpected blessings to behold that may be waiting along this difficult road for you. And please know one more thing... when I see that you've visited my site, I pray for you.  For your family.  For your friends.  Your doctors and specialists.  And I pray for your little one.  I pray for a miracle for you.  And I pray that as you enter this difficult season of life, you will know the grace and love and peace of God more than you have ever known it before. </p><br /><p>Psalm 145:8-9  <br /><br /></p><br /><p><sup id="en-NIV-16329">8</sup> The LORD is gracious and compassionate, <br />   slow to anger and rich in love.  <sup id="en-NIV-16330">9</sup> The LORD is good to all; <br />   he has compassion on all he has made.</p><br /><br/>Sheyennewhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12287255200682264860noreply@blogger.com0