20 Things I Wish You'd Remember...

As open as some of you may think that I am on this blog, there's a whole world of emotions that I don't even begin to scratch the surface of on this blog.  So if you think this little 'ol "www" is intense, you have no idea what really goes on in my heart/head.  And because its not always easy for me to write exactly what I feel/think/need to say, I stumbled across a great 'copy and paste' list that applies so much to what I have been thinking lately.  As humans, we're relational.  No matter what we try to do to get around it, we all need each other.  And sometimes, losing a baby can be alienating.  Scratch that... losing a baby is always alienating.  Sure, I connect with people on blogs and online who have lost little ones, but I have yet to hug a single one of them in person.  A lot of times, I feel "contagious"... like people are afraid of us and our situation.  I could have written this list myself, its so pertinent (but I'm glad someone else did so all I have to do is cut and paste!).  So even if you don't know us, you may know someone who, at some point in your life will lose a baby.  And here are some things we'd like you to know... (I've rearranged them a bit, to pertain to me personally, but they are all so true)....

20 Things parents of Angels wish you would remember:

1. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

2. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me. 

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8.  I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby.  The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's heartbeat. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. 

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel sad that I'm no longer pregnant.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature’s way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

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I do just have to add that all of our friends-- near and far-- are such great supports to us.  I know that its hard to know what to say or do... I've been in that situation too.  So I'm not putting this list out there because we've been hurt by friends or anything like that...its more of just awareness of how to handle grieving friends.  I know it helped me  when I read it, and can be applied to more situations than just babyloss.  Like I said before, I'm friends with a lot of moms who have lost their babies, and I am doubly heartbroken at some of the hurts the've suffered after their loss because of hurtful people.  I am so thankful that we haven't had anything like that happen to us.  It just goes to show that we really do have some of the greatest friends in the world!  And I am constantly reminded of just how BIG God's Kingdom truly is.  Love you all!

From the Jepsens

My cousin-in-law, Melissa and her kids sent this great name pic of Whitney to me!  I love the legos!!  Especially the purple... who knew they made purple legos?  Cool!

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Show Me the Way

 

Early this morning (at 2 a.m.) I had to take Sean to the ER.  He had surgery on both ankles when he was younger, and in recent weeks its been hurting him more and more.  Last night, he woke up and couldn't even walk.  The pain was too much for us to wait until morining when Urgent Care opened.  We went to the same hospital where Whitney was born, and of course it brought back a lot of memories.  Strangely, they were good memories (well, as good as they could be).  While we were waiting, Brahm's Lullaby came over the speakers, meaning a baby had just been born.  It made me wonder if they played the music when Whitney was born.  I don't think they did.   I miss WHitney so much right now.  I feel like I had a couple of decent months, especially considering I started back to work and several of my close friends have welcomed newborns in those months.  But now... I'm at a loss again.  Questions of the future haunt me... Will we ever get our chance to drive to the hospital in the middle of the night with a car seat in the back?  Will they ever play a lullaby over the loudspeaker for our baby?  Will we ever leave the hospital as a bigger family than when we entered?  Such a vacant hole fills my heart. 

After a really long night of waiting and waiting amongst a bunch of crazy and sick people, I left to go find a bathroom.  (No way was I going to use one in the hospital!)  So I drove to Starbucks, and on my way back to the hospital, I drove a little past where I usually turn in... towards the mountains.  I started driving down the road, and the sun was just behind the mountains, its rays already spilling over the summit and onto the valley below.  Less than a minute or two later, the sun was cresting above the peaks.  Morning had come.  I wish I could say that it made me feel all better, that my heart no longer hurt or felt broken.  But it didn't.  I still hurt.  There's still a hole.  But seeing the rising sun did remind me that Jesus is light, and light- by its very nature- floods the darkness, consumes it.  (I snapped a picture on my cell phone, thus the poor quality of the photo.)

Lord, I know some day your light will flood even the darkest corners of the hole in my heart.  Please hasten that day!  For now, though, I will rest in knowing you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Thank you for the reminder of your unfailing love, but please God, please... show me the way I should go.  I helplessly lift up my soul to you.

From The Ozans

My good friend, Kathryn, recently sent me these pictures for Whitney's Name Gallery.  We actually met when I was filling in as a temp for her when she was pregnant!  The rest, as they say, is history and we've been friends ever since!  She is now a busy mom of two little ones, so I know that taking the extra time to do this for us wasn't easy!  Thank you so much, friend, for thinking about us and for taking a few minutes to let us know it!  Love you!

We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.  Thank you for letting us know you are thinking of us and praying for us.  We appreciate it more than we could ever tell you!!

  

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

From Amarillo, TX

My dear friend Marley sent us these pictures (see all four of them in Whit's Name Gallery) for Whitney's name gallery... she is originally from Amarillo, and here is what she wrote in her email:

I tried to think of a good place for Whitney's name- somewhere iconic, and somewhere fun. I was in Amarillo two weeks ago, and went to the Cadillac Ranch- you know, the giant field where the town rich crazy man bought a bunch of Cadillacs and stuck them in the ground. I painted her name on one of them- it's hard to read, since the wind was blowing 40 mph (hey, it was Texas!), but I still hope they make you smile.

It definitely did make me smile!  I love these pictures and think this is absolutely awesome!  Thank you so much, Marley!!

 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

From NYC

Our friend, Heidi, sent us this picture for Whitney's name gallery all the way from NYC.  Heidi lived in NYC for several years, and has since moved.  But she recently revisited the "big city" and she told us that this was her first stop when she returned!  Thanks so much for thinking of us, friend!!

 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Long Time, No Blog

Long time no blog, right?  Well I have good reason... The past two weeks, Sean and I have been visiting my parents in Egypt!  It was an awesome time and so great to be with my parents again.  It was difficult, too, though because both Sean and I were acutely aware that we would not have made the trip if Whitney were still with us.  It really was a trip of a lifetime, though!  Its good to be home, but I miss Whitney so much right now I can hardly catch my breath.  I'll update more later, but here's a couple of pictures we took.