October Baby Loss Month: Capture Your Grief

*deep breath*

October is baby loss awareness month.  3 years ago, this month meant nothing to me, other than Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I knew people wore pink to support a cause, but I wasn't personally connected to that.  This month- October- as baby loss awareness month, meant nothing to me until, well, until I lost a baby.  

I love Fall.  Everything about it... the colors, the smells, the cooler temps, the pumpkin spice everything.  But inevitably, there's a moment the comes every October that hits me like a ton of bricks.  Its that moment where I remember, amidst all the warm fuzzies of Fall, that the cold is coming.  In addition to an increase of reminders of my status as a "baby loss mom", the cold month of February is just around the corner.  The month our Whitney was born and died.  Don't get me wrong- there is so much beauty in our story... the grace of God's timing, the goodness His sovereignty, the beauty of Whitney herself.  But it hurts.  It hurts a lot. Ten months our of the year, life seems to lug along, business as usual.  But October and February hard.  They're reminders of what we had and no longer hold in our arms.  

In the past, I've tried to blog through the month-- without much success.  So I'm not setting any time limit on anything or saying that I'll be writing every day.  With a busy toddler, that's just unrealisitic.  But I do want to participate in something that Carly Marie is doing with Project Heal called "Capture Your Grief."  If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a couple photos with that hashtag.  Its a great set of photo prompts to encourage remembering our children who have passed away.  I eventually want to get to them all, so know that I am working on it. Here's the line-up for this month.   

So I'm still here.  Surviving and thriving, but missing her, too.  

My Mom

Yesterday July 17 marked yet another year that has passed without my (Sean) mom.  As my consciousness awakened to what day it was I was flooded with the memories of that day that I have tried to suppress.  I will spare you the details but I can say that numbness of her death still plagues my heart.  How can it be? There are so many things left to do with her.  God how can you let such a thing happen after all my prayers to see her healed?

Since her death I have struggled letting anyone in who would serve as a motherly figure.  More often than not, it is something so deep in my subconscious that I am not fully aware of how I am acting until it is too late.  This bitter pain usually lays dormat, but for some reason yesterday I am fighting it yet again.

I am thankful for where God has been leading me this past year.  As I try and make sense of what I am feeling I am reminded of the blessing in my life today.  The loss of Whitney was unimaginable and felt like another dagger in my heart, but God remained faithful to us.  His faithfulness was not found in the birth of Gianna (although I rejoice greatly for that blessing) but it was found in what he accomplished 2000 years ago when the Father watched his Son die a criminals death.  It was God's faithfulness to his creation that he would make a way for sin's debt to be paid and that we would have union with God again.  I believe that if God is true and faithful to his promise of the gospel that his promise of a day when no more tears will fall or cancer destroys will also be true.

As I live anew in the gospel I am awakened to see and feel something that I thought would never be true. When I look at the love of the mother of my child I am overwhelmed with the overarching memory of my mom who loved me so much.  To my sorrow I have forgotten much of what my mom looked like, sounded like, and simply was like; but God has been gracious to me to remind of how she loved.

I am constantly reminded that life is but a vapor and one day too soon people in our lives will be gone.  Today I am reminded that love will leave a legacy that will never end.  I am also reminded that the only reason we know what love is...is because the Father has first loved us.

Sorry for the randomness of thoughts...feels good to just them out of my head

 

Loving My Story

I was reading a friends blog the other day, and a short little phrase of honesty really stood out to me.  It wasn't what she was writing about, or even what she intended to have "stick" with the reader, but it stopped me in my tracks.  In addition to saying that she loved her family and she loved her life, she also loved her story.  She is also a baby loss momma, and in the moment I was reading her blog post, I thought to myself "How can she say she loves her story?"  That got me thinking about our story, Whitney's story.  I love Whitney and I am so thankful for her life, but do I love our story?

At first, I answered "no."  An angry "no" to be honest.  Her story is not one that I would have chosen to write, though there are parts of it that are good.  I love the fact that I got to carry her and be her mom- but why was it only for 31 weeks?  And why did it have to be under such painful circumstances?  I loved giving birth to Whitney.  But why did she have to be dead when it happened?  Why could I never hear her cries or see life in her eyes?  I hate that part of her story.  I love that my mom was able to be at the hospital.  That was SUCH a God-thing.  She was flying in from EGYPT the day we found out Whitney passed away.  SHE WAS ALREADY ON HER WAY TO SEE ME!  But I hate that it all happened too early.

So on the surface, if you ask me "Do I love my story?" my answer would be no.  No, I really don't.  Its full of heartache and pain and death and loss.  Empty arms and vacant spaces that Whitney should be filling.  But just this weekend, I went out to lunch with a friend.  She's pregnant and we were talking about our previous childbirth experiences (as any and all moms do- by the way, how is it that conversations always seem to gravitate towards this?  Guess its just my season of life.  I definitely enjoy it, though!) and she asked something about Whitney.  I told her with joy about how my mom was able to be there, and my sister- who had a 3 month old baby of her own at home- were able to both be there.  With a heart full of loving gratitude I recounted details of that day Whitney was born- details that, on the surface, I seem to forget.  

Yes, Whitney's pregnancy was hard.  Sometimes it was sad.  Of course I wish that it had turned out differently.  I wish she were here to teach Gia things that only a big sister can.  But Whitney's story is overflowing with evidences of God's grace and mercy.  Visual, emotional, spiritual and senitmental reminders that even though sin corrupts things on this earth temporarily, God is still on His throne and He is eternally good.  He is forever loving towards ALL he has made and has compassion on His children (Psalm 145)!  And that is the part of Whitney's story that I LOVE.  

After thinking about all of those things, I asked myself the question again.  Do I love my story?  Yes.  Yes, yes, 100 times, yes!  I love that I was able to be pregnant with her in the first place.  Remember, we tried 3 years to get pregnant.  I loved telling my husband I was pregnant.  I loved buying maternity clothes & dreaming up nurseries.  Receiving Whitney's diagnosis was painful, but I love that God spoke through our hearts to the doctor we saw at the Children's Hospital.  It may not have changed his life forever, but it was definitely a witness to the goodness of our God.  Giving birth to our daughter, knowing she was already in Heaven was hard.  But God's hand was on us in ways I have never felt before and have never experienced since.  I love that part of the story.  And most of all, I love that God is still using Whitney to change people's lives.  He is still using her short life and beautiful story in all kinds of ways... helping people through miscarriages and other losses, helping families enjoy the time they do have with their children, helping parents make the difficult decision to continue a pregnancy despite a fatal diagnosis.  And most of all, giving HOPE.  I love that God has allowed such a potent theme of compassion and grace to flow through my life, and prayerfully, into the lives of others.

So yes, I love my story.  Pain, loss, heartache and all.  Because I love and live for a risen Saviour- one who has conquered the grave and gives grace freely to anyone who will follow after Him. So I guess that's just what I'm trying to do, and loving my story is a good place to start.  What about you?  What is your story?  Do you love it?

Mother's Day... For the moms who are but aren't

 

Mother's day is coming up.  And truly, this topic deserves much more time and thought than I can give it right now.  But I just read something that so blessed my heart that I had to share.  I know it will bless so many of my mommy friends out there.  We've all been there on that first Mother's Day without our babies.  I remember the first Mother's Day I was actually a mother.  2010.  Whitney had been born in February, and Mother's Day was of course, in May.  I remember thinking in 2009 how I had longed for a baby to be in my arms for years.  Surely next would be the year that would finally happen.  I was certain of it.  We were still trying to get pregnant, but we'd also started an adoption.  There was no way that I could not be holding my child the next year. 

Of course, we know what happened.  Mother's Day 2010 came and went.  And I felt more alone, more empty than ever. Maybe you've been there too.  Maybe you are there.  You should be holding your baby, snuggling her, or possibly still carrying him.  But you're not.  You're alone (or so it seems), your womb is empty, and instead of celebrating being a mom, you're dreading Sunday.  You're wondering how you will ever sit through a church service that will most likely be dedicated to everything that you feel you are not-- a mother. (For the record, I couldn't go to church on Mother's Day in 2010.  I didn't go in 2011 either.)

Please know, you are a mom.  If its your only child in Heaven and your arms physically ache with emptiness, know that you are still a mom.  Or if you have two kids already at home, but have one who now praises Jesus in Heaven, you are still a mom of three.  I know there are days when you won't feel like it.  There will be days when you don't feel worthy of the title.  But you were blessed with a life- for however short a season it may have been- and in that season, you became a mom. You are beautiful,and you are strong. 

You simply MUST go over to this blog and read this beautiful letter written for YOU.  I know, you may feel lazy and not want to take the extra effort to click the little link (oh! the exertion!) but do it anyway.  Really.... do it!  You will be blessed.

{for the mother that thinks she isn't}

Take My Hand

Today as I was getting ready to clean our bathrooms, I was searching for a playlist to get me into "toilet scrubbing" mode.  Ok, really I was looking for something uplifting and praiseworthy as I began this not so fun, but oh so necessary task.  I did a quick search for "New Praise 2012" or something like that and came up with what looked to be a promising playlist on Spotify.  Little did I know how blessed I would be by one little song in this queue.  I love God's surprises of love at unexpected times.

I was almost done with both bathrooms; as I was mopping the floors I heard one stanza from a song with pretty music... "I'm not asking for... safety..." was all I could make out (since I was sort of just half listening, half in dream land).  I quickly made my way to the computer and hit rewind.  Here is the beautiful song that was playing:



Its called "Take My Hand" by Linsay McCaul.  Here are the lyrics:

Take My Hand -Lindsay McCaul & Jason Ingram

I heard You say it, I know You did

You called me out into the waves and wind

And for a moment I was brave and strong

But now everything is going wrong



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand



I could have stayed back where I was before

And never met You in this raging storm

You’re telling me that faith is all I need

But fear is all that I can find in me



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand





Cuz I would be ok if You’d take my hand

I wouldn’t be afraid if You’d take my hand

All would fade away if You’d take my hand

If You’d take my hand….



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take...

Won’t You please come and take…

I just need You to take my hand

_____________________

I don't know the history of this song, but if it wasn't written specifically for a baby-loss mom, God sure used it to minister straight to my aching mommy heart anyways!  As soon as I heard the line "Didn't you know I'd be scared, couldn't you see I was unprepared/ I'm not asking for reasons you hold/or the safety of land, I just need you to take my hand" my mind was transported back several years to when I was carrying Whitney.  So scared.  So unprepared.  Feeling so inadequate but through it all, feeling immensely called.  Called to carry this fragile, tiny life.  To bring light to the gift that is LIFE in all situations.  I wasn't asking for reasons why she was sick.  I didn't ask "why us"?  Our constant prayer was for God's guidance.  To take my hand.

And he did.  Every step of the way.  I think of Peter with Jesus when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water.  To the other discipled in the boat, as Peter began to go under, it must have looked like he failed.  But Peter learned a valuable lesson that day.  Even in the midst of the storm, scary winds, uncertain outcomes Jesus will always be there.  Reaching out his hand.

So many times we ask for an explanation.  We ask for God to take away the pain immediately.  We ask for a quick way out, a teleport to safety.  But that's rarely how it works.  Pain is a part of life because we are fallen people.  But God is great even in the midst of our pain.  Often, we have to walk through it to get the full blessing that lies for us at the end.  God doesn't owe us an explanation for why things happen.  Sometimes there is no other reason than one word: sin.  But the glorious part of this whole entire life we are living is that sin and death are not the end.  God wins.  Every time and ultimately in the End.  God wins.  He conquered death when he sent his son, Jesus to die on the cross.  But he didn't stay dead.  He rose from the grave, and in doing so overcame sin and separation from God!  This is Good News people!  So when we look for explanations and immediate rescue, the safety of land, if you will- that's not always how it happens.  Of course I fully believe with all my heart that God can and does heal people, even still today.  But lately I have been trying to change my prayers a bit.  They are no long "God take this away. Amen."  There's something more like, "God, I know you can heal (me, this situation, this person, etc).  I believe in your power and your goodness.  But if you choose not to do that right now, show me how I can bring glory to your name through the journey."

I know this is applicable to so many different circumstances.  Really, any trial we may face.  God is right there with us.  He knows our hearts, the fear that creeps in.  But what he wants us to know and to take advantage of is that he is always there, reaching out his hand.  We just have to take it.  I hope that sharing this blesses someone else today the way it has ministered to me.  Such a beautiful song!

Baby Loss Link-Up

Today I am linking up with other moms who have lost children from Kelly's Korner blog.  I am so thankful that Kelly is doing this... Losing a child is difficult and can be a very isolating tragedy.  It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my grief.  This is the blog my husband and I started when we found out 20 weeks into my first pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal condition called Triploidy. The doctors all told us to abort our daughter- triploidy is always, ALWAYS fatal.  Talk about no room for hope!  But my husband and I knew that we serve a God of hope, and chose instead to continue my pregnance, and let God choose when He would take her home.  We figured that we had no hand in starting her tiny little heartbeat, and we had no right to make a decision to stop it.  

There was one verse in the Bible that really helped us make the decision to continue our pregnancy...Psalm 145

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.

This showed us that for reasons beyond our comprehension, God has allowed this to happen to us.  But it also reassured us that He is GOOD to all he has made, including our baby girl.

My husband is a youth minister, and at the time I was pregnant, I worked at a crisis pregnancy center.  Some days it felt like a huge knife being thrust into my gut- seeing countless women, mostly young teenagers, who were pregnant and did not want their babies then there was me, pregnant with a baby we had longed for so much, knowing she would die.  I learned the value of life in that season, and that the Lord truly is gracious and compassionate to all His children.  In spite of my personal pain, God was teaching me to love people regardless of my circumstances. 

Throughout my pregnancy with Whitney Jill, there were many bittersweet moments.  The pain of knowing this baby would never crawl, or take her first steps, or say "mama" and "dada" was mixed with the joy of finally being pregnant after 3 long years of trying, and knowing that no matter what the outcome, we were parents!  Even though there was much sadness over what would never be, there was so much joy over the things God was teaching us through our tiny unborn baby.

Whitney was born February 11, 2010.  Her heart had stopped beating the day before I delivered her.  I was 31 weeks pregnant.  We were able to hold her, take pictures, bathe her, dress her, sing to her and kiss her.  I am forever changed because of her short life, and I know we will never forget her.

Here are some links to a few key posts:

The Beginning 

The Amnio Appointment 

Ultrasound Pictures!! 

The Diagnosis 

Maternity Pictures

Third Trimester! 

He Sings Over Me (God's Loving Care)

Day Before Delivery 

Whitney's Birth Story

The worst thing for a parent who has lost a child is the thought that that child may be forgotten.  We are blessed with some great friends who love to hear about Whitney, aren't afraid to ask questions and who will listen when I want to share something special about her.  That's another reason I think this link-up is so great... it allows us as parents to share about our children who are no longer here with us.  The truth is, I think about Whitney every single day.  Its been two years, and not a day goes by that I don't long to hold her.  So I am thankful for times like this where I can share more of my baby girl with others.

The rest of the story about us is, life does go on... we have since had another baby girl, Gianna (which means the Lord is gracious) who is completely, 100% HEALTHY and an amazing blessing to our lives.  She is a beautiful illustration of God's redeeming love.  I blog about our family life HERE.

(This is our little family on Easter!)

Girls In Galveston

I was cleaning out some of my emails today and I found this precious picture for Whitney's name gallery that I never posted.  Its from my bestie, Tracy and her girls.  They spent Thanksgiving in Galveston and she sent me this back in November.  I love how Whitney's name is written in the sand on either side of Emi.  Aside from being my best friend in the whole wide world, we also share a super special bond because we found out we were pregnant on the same day!!!  Me with Whitney and her with sweet Bella.  (Bella's the little one in the pic.)  So Bella will always have a special place in my heart because she reminds me of that awesome day, and helps me to think what Whitney would be like at her age.  Thanks so much BFF... I LYMY!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.