Normal With A Side Of "Suck"

I know this isn't the most eloquent or politically correct way to say this, but sometimes, things just suck.  I know Shannon Wendt would tell me that the only proper use of the word 'suck' is to use it in verb form, in relation to your vaccuum cleaner.  But, I'm choosing to use it in the "this-is-no-fun" context for the time being.

Have I mentioned that I love my job?  I work at a pregnancy care center, where we try to provide men and women with the resources, tools and knowledge that they need to choose life for the unborn babies.  We have nurses onsite who do ultrasounds, and just this past week, they did an ultrasound on me so I could see little Whitney again.  It was so much fun!  We saw her tiny fingers, hands, toes and feet and watched her as she wiggled around inside of me.  For the longest time, we couldn't find her legs and feet... I knew they were there because they'd been kicking me, but we just couldn't see them on the ultrasound.  Finally, after moving the wand to a different angle, we figured out where her feet were... they were CLEAR OVER HER HEAD!  She was laying on her back (breech) with her hands and feet both up by her head!  Silly little pretzel girl.  :-)  But it was fun.  For just a little window of time, I felt like a 'normal' pregnant woman, just enjoying the reassuring sight of her baby's heart beating.  Of course i saw the things on the ultrasound that aren't 'normal'-- she has essential no amniotic fluid, some of her facial structures are a little 'off' and her belly is still smaller than her head and limbs-- but I was able to overlook that and just see the beauty that is her life.

Later that evening, I was telling Sean about the ultrasound.  (He wasn't able to be there- his best friend's wife had a baby that day so he was helping to watch their 2-year old little girl for a little bit!)  I told him that I felt 'normal' but that in everything related to our pregnancy, there is this underlying "suck."  No better way that I can really explain it other than there's always a part of it that sucks.  But I was surprised, because the "underlying suck" doesn't negate the moments of joy and happiness that I am sometimes able to feel.  I began thinking about the way I was feeling, and realized for the first time that this is what true joy feels like.  I know joy and happiness are different... joy is something we can always have, even in hard times, because our hope is in Christ.  But I have never experienced such polar emotions as I have lately... the "underlying suck" can best be described as intense sorrow.  But no matter how sad and sorrowful my cries of grief are (and they are always there), there is also an accompanying feeling of calming peace and actual JOY.  Its the strangest thing ever.  Experiencing true joy in this way is so new and so deep for me... another characteristic of God that I will cherish forever.  (Much like my recent epiphany with the power of his love.)

Years ago (more than a decade now), I struggled with an eating disorder.  I was in several hospitals for long periods of time.  One year, I spent Christmas through Valentine's day in a hospital in Kansas City.  I had a psychiatrist who was the weirdest guy I'd ever met.  He had this thick, Middle Eastern accent and always said the strangest things-- we'll call him Dr. S.  For New Year's Eve, I wanted to be able to stay up with the other patients until midnight.  (EVERYTHING  I did had to be approved through Dr. S.)  So, I told him (in my best 17-year old whiney voice) "I just want to be normal!  And normal teenagers stay up past midnight on New Year's Eve!"

Dr. S then looked at me and said (I'll never forget this... even with his crazy accent) "You vant to be normaaal?  Zhen eat ahm-burgers and french fries, coooookies and ahce cream.  ZHEN you vill be nor-mal."  So guess what I had for dinner that New Year's Eve?  A hamburger, french fries, cookies, and ice cream.  Probably the hardest meal this anorexic teenager had ever eaten.  But ya know what?  It felt good.  And it felt normal.  And it started my pathway to healing.  

So why do I say all that?  I guess just to say that 'normal' is subjective.  Really, feeling 'normal' can be whatever you make it to be.  Nothing these days seem normal.  It is not normal for us to talk about the birth of our firstborn in the same sentence as her funeral.  It is not normal to talk about coming home after giving birth with no baby in our arms.  Nothing about life lately is really 'normal.'  Things are unnatural, lacking closure and answers right now.  But then I think about what is normal in situations like our's... I guess there really is no 'norm.'  So in that sense, Sean and I are free to set our own 'normal.'  And if being 'normal' right now means just making it through the day, then crumbling in each other's arms at night, that's ok.  I know that to most people, it would not be 'normal' to feel sorrow and joy at the same time.  But because of our hope in Christ and the incredibly generous promise of New Life, we are able to make our "normal" be Joy with a Side of Suck.

I know that several of our friends have been praying that Sean and I will really be able to enjoy the little things during this time.  And friends, can I just say thank-you so much for that?!  We are truly finding the joy in everyday moments with each other and with Whitney.  She's been moving around a lot and I have been loving that feeling.  We are taking maternity photos next week, and are really looking forward to it.  We are trying to keep the joy in our marriage, and not let the Enemy drag our love down with sorrow.  So thank you, friends for those prayers.  They are working and God is mighty!  Love you all and hope you have a happy new year!

Desert Song

A girl sang this song at church this weekend and I think it is so beautiful and SO pertinent...

You can listen to the song HERE

The Desert Song

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

For Christmas, I got Sean a couple of books by his favorite author, John Piper. Sean has about 10 books in his reading queue, so I started reading one that of the books I gave him. It is called Spectacular Sins (and their gloabl purpose in the glory of Christ). In true Piper fashion, it has taken me two days just to process the introduction! This is no weak sauce, folks. But I think this book is going to be right up my alley.

All along, I have known and proclaimed that God is still God. God was the same good God on July 31 (the day I found out I was pregnant) as he was on December 31 (the day we got new it was Triploidy). In the past, Sean and I have been personally hurt by the sinful choices of men around us, but have held to the truth that God is ultimately in control. In the sins of other people, though we may be affected, it is easy to know that God is still God.

But when something like this happens, and there is seemingly no one to blame, what then? Do you just consider the pain is a result of sin in general? Or do you blame God? This book is making it abundantly clear that even in the midst of pain and sin, God is still God. And not only that, but God's glory shines through in the aftermath of even the worst sins. Piper, of course, puts it better than me:

"God did not just overcome evil at the cross. He made evil serve the overcoming of evil. He made evil commit suicide in doing its worst evil...the apex of evil achieved the apex of the glory of Christ. The glory of grace." (intro p. 12)

(see what I mean? Not weaksauce, people!)

"It seems to me that Christians in the West are being coddled. We suffer little in the name of Christ. Therefore, we read the Bible not with a desperate hunger for evidences of God's triumph in pain, but with a view to improving our private pleasures." (ouch) "People who don't like Christians are all around us. Only a strange providence keeps our chruches from being bombed. It is only a matter of time till the reality of the rest of the world comes home.... The coddled Western world will sooner or later give way to great affliction. And when it does, whose vision of God will hold? Where are Christians being prepared for great global sorrows?... Christians in the West are weakened by wimpy world views. And wimpy worldviews make wimpy Christians. God is weightless in our lives. He is not terrifyingly magnificent. His sovereignty is secondary (at best) to his sensitivity." (intro p. 13)

"My aim is to show that sin and evil, no matter how spectacular, never nullify the decisive, Christ-exalting purposes of God. No, my aim is more than that. These spectacular sins do not just fail to nullify God's purpose to glorify Christ, the succeed, by God's unfathomable providence, in making his gracious purpose come to pass." (intro p.17)

In the Desert Song, I love the part that says:

I will rejoice! I will declare: God is my victory and he is here!

That's my prayer for this week... blessings to all!

Happy Merry, Everyone!

Merry Christmas to everyone, from our house to your's.  We're having a bittersweet holiday as we remember our Saviour's birth try to make the most of this Christmas with our sweet baby girl.  Sean and I have each other by our sides, our baby in Shey's belly and Jesus forever in all our hearts.  We read the Christmas story for Whitney this morning, and to say the least it was very special.  We are beyond blessed with excellent friends and family, both near and far.  Have a great weekend! 

Ain't no Superman

 

Just in case anyone is wondering, we are not super-heroes.  Today sucks.  Last night sucked.  Not very elegant I know, but that's what the heart feels right now.  We are sad and hurting and there is no way around it.  On the positive side, I think I would look better in that outfit.  To really spike hits on this site, I might even put up a picture of my new PJ's after Christmas. 

We know people are praying and I believe that is the only way we get through each day.  I guess I wanted to share my weakness.  Love you all!  Merry Christmas Eve eve!!

The answer to the tests...

I am going to attempt to explain in this blog what has been confusing the doctor's since we began.  Forgive me if I am too technical, all I am doing is copying information from other websites so that you may be informed.  So here we go:

A few weeks ago the doctors took some amniotic fluid from Sheyenne's belly (that's real technical I know) so that they might run some tests in order to determine what is wrong with Whitney.  They called us yesterday with the results.  They determined that our baby has a genetic disorder called Triploidy.  Here's the best way I can describe it... Genetic abnormalities such as Downs Syndrome or Trisomy 18 are conditions caused by an extra copy of one particular chromosome. Triploidy is an extra copy of ALL the chromosomes.  Here's a more technical explaination:

"Triploidy is a rare lethal chromosome abnormality caused by the presence of an entire extra set of chromosomes. A fetus with triploidy has 69 chromosomes, rather than 46. The majority of fetuses with triploidy are spontaneously miscarried during pregnancy. Those that survive until birth will have severe growth retardation and multiple birth defects. This condition is incompatible with life." 

"Triploidy is a devastating condition caused by having a full extra set of chromosomes. This extra set of chromosomes causes a variety of serious birth defects, placental problems, and severe growth problems in a fetus. In fact, most pregnancies in which the fetus has triploidy end in a spontaneous miscarriage. Very few infants with triploidy survive to term. Of those that do, most are stillborn and those that are born alive usually die shortly after birth. Infants with this lethal condition are generally small due to severe intrauterine growth retardation (IUGR) and they have multiple birth defects, including facial abnormalities, such as cleft lip, heart defects, neural tube defects (spina bifida), and other serious birth defects. The exact pattern of abnormalities depends on whether the extra set of chromosomes was inherited from the mother or from the father. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to treat or cure triploidy."

It is said that Triploidy happens in only 1-2% of ALL conceptions, which makes me laugh because it feels like that makes sense for us.  Another stat is 1 in 10,000 make it this far in the pregnancy because most babies die after only a month in the womb. 

So where does this leave us now?  That really is a great question because we don't really know that answer.  As we have been, we will continue to wait and see what happens.  We know that the doctors will not do anything "heroic" to save Whitney if she is born alive.  I think I can speak for both me and Sheyenne that all we want is to hold our baby girl.  So that continues to be our prayer to God, that he would allow us to hold this precious life that we have been so excited to see. 

Last night I got to feel her move in Sheyenne's belly for the first time!  It truly warmed my heart and now I know that my Christmas wish has come true.  If you have any questions please email me (seanwilson8552@gmail.com).  Thank you for continuing to read and we will continue to update this as God continues to teach us what we need to learn.

 

Why us God?

To be honest this is a question that creeps into my mind from time to time, and I am ashamed of that.  It would be easy to say, "Sean, that is a perfectly good question to ask and no one could fault you for asking it,"  but the question of "Why?" feels so empty.  Living in America we are accustomed to asking this question to God as if he were obligated to answer us in an apologetic way.  Frankly it makes me laugh out loud thinking I can push God into a corner and force him to explain the reasoning behind the woes of my life.  God is loving and understanding and I am thankful for Jesus living on this earth for he knows where that question comes from for he cried out it too on the cross 2,000 years ago.   

Recently I heard someone talk about the Virgin Mary and her thoughts after she conceived Jesus by the Holy Spirit.  Many have said that Mary must have been so distraught in her current situation, and that she would have cried out to God "why me and why now?"  This thought goes back to our American based theology that everything centers around us and that God is to do everything possible to make our lives better.  Do I think that Mary never doubted what was happening in her life and that God was watching over her?  No, she was just as human as you and me, but I do not think that she lived in the question of "why me" either.

In Luke chapter 1 we read words that came straight from her heart and we can see her true motive in her relationship with God.  It says,

"My soul glorifies the Lord
⁴⁷and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
 ⁴⁸for he has been mindful
  of the humble state of his servant.
   From now on all generations will call me blessed,
⁴⁹for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
  holy is his name.
 ⁵⁰His mercy extends to those who fear him,
  from generation to generation.
 ⁵¹He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
  he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
 ⁵²He has brought down rulers from their thrones
  but has lifted up the humble.
 ⁵³He has filled the hungry with good things
  but has sent the rich away empty.
 ⁵⁴He has helped his servant Israel,
  remembering to be merciful
 ⁵⁵to Abraham and his descendants forever,
  even as he said to our fathers."

My soul glorifies the Lord.  What a wonderful thought and prayer for us in our times of need and trial. What if we started focusing on that first, God how can my soul still give you glory in this time of pain, God how can I praise you when all seems to be falling down around me? 

I know for me this is hard, as it is for anyone who truly puts the focus on God first and not themselves.  I have been thinking a lot about Mary lately and have a few more thoughts to share, but they will have to wait because this post has been too long and I would be surprised if anyone has read the whole thing  :)

Seriously, Christmas is the best time of the year because the focus can truly be taken off of ourselves and placed in the One that it belongs.  This Christmas I ask you (and myself) to put your trust and hope in the One that loves you and created you.  Trust in his plan no matter what is going on around you.  Pastor Dave had a great analogy this weekend about how with God we don't always know why things are happening but in the end God always comes through.  Trust in him.

Dancing with my baby

This has been a rough week.  Early this week I had my first dream about my baby.  I wish that I could remember it clearly, but all I can tell you is she was beautiful and had gorgeous brown hair and rosie cheeks (like me) and a heart melting smile.  How, you may be asking, did I know it was my baby girl?  That is a good question and the only way I can answer is I woke up right after the dream and began praying for her again.  

It has been about a month since we found out all the difficulties with our girl.  The days have been different and difficult in their own ways.  There have been many different things that have set off emotions that I cannot explain.  Being at home with my family was great but difficult in its own ways.  It was hard being with them having the thought lingering in the back of my mind that they will never get to meet the "new" addition to the family.  It is hard living in the hope that everything can be alright but with the reality of what the doctors are always telling us.  

We had another doctor appointment today with the same old results.  NOTHING!  Whitney's heart is still beating which is wonderful, but the doctor again has no news for us and we are still waiting on the results from the amino.  This pregnancy has been nothing but waiting and waiting and waiting.  I thank God for the Psalms which has ministered to my heart throughout this whole process.  The many words of David crying out to the Father comfort me in letting my true emotions out as well, which if you know me is difficult because those true emotions come in the form of tears.  

Tonight I got to watch my best friend dance with his baby girl.  It was obviously bitter/sweet to me.  My friend has been a huge support to me and a great role model in being a dad.  What's funny is without him I would have been so incredibly scared about being a dad to a girl, but because of his great daddyness I knew I could do it.  I loved watching him and his daughter dance, and I continue to pray to God that I might get the chance to dance too with my baby here in this world, but if not I know that my day will come in heaven where all imperfections are taken away.  Whitney we all love you and continue to lift you up in prayer to the one who knits you in the womb.