The Purple Sweater

I love this sweater.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I love its delicate lilac color, the softness of the yarn and the way the hoodie looks when its pulled up over Gia's bald little head.  But more than all of that, I love what this sweater represents.  It represents HOPE.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to go visit my sister who lives in Mesa, AZ.  Gia and I trekked across the country on her first ever plane ride (4 1/2 hours!)-- she did great!  We had a wonderful time with my sister, brother-in-law and my two nieces & Gia had a blast playing with her cousins.  While we were visitng, I got to meet an online friend, whom I had previously never met in person.  Years ago, when I was living in NC, I had a group of friends that I met online.  I know, I know... it sounds sketchy.  To be honest, I can't even remember the exact way we all met, but I spent a good deal of time just chatting with these women and sharing our lives long-distance.  I guess it was such a cool thing at the time because in the small town where we lived, I only had one other friend who was even remotely close to my age and she had two young kids.  So I could totally relate to my friends online, who were also fairly newly married with no kids.  Fast forward 5 or 6 years (and a coast-to-other-coast move), and I didn't really keep in touch with many of them.  Life got busy, but I still managed to keep up with just a couple of women from that original online group.

Then I got pregnant with Whitney and we learned she was sick.  These friends that I had never even met were such an encouragement to me.  Sending me messages and emails, but more than anything, they just felt my pain with me.  I didn't really know the extent to which my friends were affected by Whitney until I was in Arizona and got to meet one of them.  Caitlin (hey girl, hey!) and I went to lunch (with Gia, too) and started talking about Whitney.  Oh, how sweet it is to have friends who bring up her name.  I am so thankful for the many friends God has recently brought into our lives who do so.  Caitlin gave me this purple sweater (that she masterfully hand-knitted herself), saying she wasn't sure if it would fit Gia now or not.  See, she had originally made this sweater for Whitney.  She and our other friend, Tasia (hey girl!) were so certain that God was going to heal Whitney.  They had such hope and faith that she would be born alive, all would be well, and she would some day be wearing this purple sweater.  I am so humbled by their belief.

Now, two years laster, as I hold that sweater, I think about that hope and faith my friends had... that everything would be ok... that God would answer our prayers and make my baby girl alright.  And I thought about the outcome of that chapter of our lives... that Whitney isn't here and how seemingly, that hope fell flat.

Last week, in our small group, we were talking about prayer.  Specifically, we started talking about whether or not it does any good.  Afterall, some times it seems like no matter how hard we pray for something, God either doesn't hear us, or He just doesn't answer.  Several people mentioned how they prayed so hard for a loved one to be healed, but they died anyway.  A baby dying.  A mother.  A friend.  Where was God in all of that?  Why didn't he answer our prayers then?  And if he couldn't (or didn't) intervene then, where do we draw upon hope for future pains?  I don't know how praying works, but I know that it does.  Even in the midst of losing Whitney, I still felt God's peace surrounding us.  I believe that is largely due to all the people who were surrounding us with prayer.  I don't ever think its God's will for someone to die.  Remember, death was not in his original plan.  But because we live in a fallen world, crap just happens.  And sometimes it happens to innocents, like our babies.  And it sucks.  But that doesn't mean that we lose hope.  Our hope is in something far greater than our temporary circumstances... the hope that Christ brings is in something-rather, someONE, eternal.  Someone more powerful and worthy and awesome than we are able to comprehend.  Our hope is in the Risen Christ who is continually making all things new for His eternal glory.  1 Peter 1:3 articulates the true hope: "Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..."

As I look at the purple sweater sitting on the table beside me right now, I think about hope.  Hope wasn't lost when Whitney died. The greatest Hope I have is not in anything this world has to offer, but in the One who can bring life beyond this world and beyond my present circumstances.  And when I put this beautiful, soft sweater over the silky little head of my Gianna, I am doubly reminded of God's goodness.  After Whitney, we hoped for another baby.  We hoped and prayed that God would bless us with a child to raise and love.  He answered those prayers and more in Gianna.  Of course she doesn't replace Whitney... Whitney is an individual, irreplaceable. And just becuase our prayers weren't answered in the way that we thought would be best, doesn't mean that we lose hope or that God forgot about us.  In fact, its the exact opposite.  He was there beside us, loving us through our loss more than ever before.  This much I know is true: this life is fleeting; there will be good and there will be bad.  That is all the more reason to put our hope not in earthly things, but in the One above.  To surrender my will and my plans, my hopes and my dreams, to the One who holds them all in his hands.

I'll leave you with this from my favorite verse of all-time:

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (ESV)

Whitney & Gia... Sisters

We are keeping really busy these days with our new bundle of joy, Gia.  She is full of personality, smiles and love for her momma & daddy.  We can't get enough of staring at her some days!  One thing taht we talked a lot about before Gia was born is how we are going to help her know her big sister, Whitney.  I didn't really know what it looked like before she was born, but now that Gia is here, I've found it pretty easy to incorporate Whitney into our conversation.

In the first few weeks of Gia's life, both Sean and I missed Whitney terribly.  It was almost as bad as the first few months after she died.  I think we were seeing so much of what Whitney might have been, in Gia, that it just hurt so much to know we never got to experience these newborn things with Whitney.  As times has gone on, it has gotten better, but we still miss Whitney tremendously.  She would be almost a year and a half old right now, and I just wonder what she'd be up to, what milestones she would be reaching.

Sometimes, when Gia sleeps, she looks a lot like Whitney.  In the early days with Gia (I say that like it was so long ago, but you know what I mean!), Sean and I both talked about Whitney to her a lot.  There's no doubt she'll grow up hearing all about her big sister.  One thing I am thankful that Sean and I did with Whitney is that we kind of "imagined" things that she would have liked... for instance, the song I played while in labor with her, "River Flows In You" by Yiruma is "her" song.  We got a beautiful bouquet of white lillies from our friends Jimmy & Megan when she was born, and I think she would have loved lillies.  So now, they are "her" flower.  She has "her" Bible passage (Psalm 145) and "her" restaurant. Little things like that which are unique to Whitney help us keep her memory alive and pass it on to Gia.  I play Yiruma for Gia sometimes and tell her about Whitney. 

So though I am beyond sad that Gia won't have a big sister here on this earth, I am thankful that she has one who is in Heaven.  And I am looking forward to the day when Gia is old enough to look through Whitney's scrapbook album with me. 

For those of you who have had babies after a loss, how do you keep the memory of that child alive with future children?

Gia wearing her "Little Sister" onesie.

 

Angels & Rainbows

Just wanted to give a quick update... our beautiful baby girl, our amazing Rainbow baby, is here!  Gianna Noelle was born May 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm.  We are home now and learning  to get in our new groove.  :)  Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers throughout this pregnancy.

I am amazed at how overwhelmingly I have been missing Whitney since Gianna was born.  I wish she was here to be Gia's big sis, but we've already told Gia about her big sister in Heaven.  We can't wait to tell her more.  I'll update more later!   But now for what you really want... pictures!

Anxious For Grace

The end of my pregnancy is really starting to take its toll on me.  This Rainbow Baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I am so utterly excited to meet and hold our little girl, but the fact of the matter is, she's not in my arms yet.  Something could still go wrong.

The only frame of reference that I have for any kind of labor and delivery process is what happened with Whitney.  I went into labor at almost 31 weeks, and she passed away in utero, while I was having contractions.  So now, as I sit here 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Gianna, I can't help but think about that every time my abdomen hardens.  (Don't get excited though-- I'm not in labor yet... just those annoying Braxton Hicks contractions... no painful ones.)

Every rational and irrational fear is flying through my head at a hundred miles per hour.  What if there is something wrong with Gia that we didn't know about?  What if something happens during delivery?  What if she just dies for no reason, as I've learned that babies sometimes do?  What if we havent' found a job yet because there is going to be something wrong with Gianna? Or worse- what if God isn't providing us with a job yet because we won't have a baby to provide for?  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.  I KNOW I can't live my life in the "what-ifs" but they won't stop assaulting my brain. 

I learned many years ago, when my thoughts become irrational, I need to ground myself with what I know to be true, versus what could just maybe potentially become reality.  So what I know to be true right now is that Gianna is healthy.  We have no indication that anything is wrong.  In fact, she's moving around quite a bit still-- especially for as little room as she has.  And logic tells me that this is why my tummy feel so hard and tight almost 24/7.  NOT because there is something wrong.  Just because she's growing like she should.  Reason and experience tell me that God's timing is perfect.  So Gia will be born in HIS time, and we will also find a job in HIS time.  (Though for the record, my time frame for both major life changes would have been, oh... yesterday.)

So with nothing else to do but go crazy, I was reminded of the meaning behind Gianna's name... the Lord is Gracious.  And it took me back to the verse that has been speaking to us for the past 18 months: Psalm 145.  You're probably sick of hearing about it on this blog by now.... but as I was reading, these key verses stuck out to me yet again:

¹ I will exalt you, my God the King; 
   I will praise your name for ever and ever. 
² Every day I will praise you 
   and extol your name for ever and ever.

 ³ Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; 
   his greatness no one can fathom. 

 

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate, 
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all; 
   he has compassion on all he has made. 
¹⁰ All your works praise you, LORD; 
   your faithful people extol you. 
¹¹ They tell of the glory of your kingdom 
   and speak of your might, 
¹² so that all people may know of your mighty acts 
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 

 

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises 
   and faithful in all he does.^[c] 
14 The LORD upholds all who fall 
   and lifts up all who are bowed down. 
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you, 
   and you give them their food at the proper time. 
¹⁶ You open your hand 
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways 
   and faithful in all he does. 
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him, 
   to all who call on him in truth. 
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 
   he hears their cry and saves them. 
²⁰ The LORD watches over all who love him, 
   but all the wicked he will destroy.

 ²¹ My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. 
   Let every creature praise his holy name 
   for ever and ever.

What a Psalm of Praise!  I know that God is good, and provides for those who fear him.  I know that he has compassion on all he has made.  And I know that he is near.  He is lifting me up.  So while I may be anxious for deliverance from this waiting season of our lives, I need to stop and remember to give praise to the One who is truly Gracious to all.  So if you think of us in these next couple of days/weeks, we'd really covet your prayers.  Number one, for a safe and healthy delivery of a safe and healthy baby.  And number two, for peace as we have patience in our waiting for both our baby and God's direction.  

EDITED TO ADD:

I just have to share this picture because I love the truth it depicts so much!  I took this picture in Mokkatum, Egypt when we were there last year.  (Mokkatum is where many of the Egyptian Christians live.  This is carved into the side of a huge cave church there.  Absolutely magnificent.)  Its the scene where the angel has told the visitors to Jesus' tomb that he is not here, he has rise, just as he said he would.  I love that last part-- JUST AS HE SAID.  I am so thankful that our God is a God who does what he says... and just like he rose from the dead as he proclaimed he would, the Lord will do what he says throughout all of scripture.... like what he is saying in Psalm 145 about being Good to all, Compassionate towards his creations, and upholding those who fall.  

 

 

Sorry for the MIA...

I am so sorry that I have been MIA lately.  Sean and I have just recently relocated our entire lives due to his layoff last Fall.  We still have not found a job, but are earnestly and fervently seeking where it is that God will have us serving next.  We'd love your prayers on that front!

We are living with Sean's family and it is wonderful.  They are so gracious to open their home to us, especially at such a crazy time.  I have just 5 weeks left (or less) until our rainbow baby, Gianna is supposed to make her debut into this world.  I have such a range of emotions, and to say these past 5 weeks since we've moved have been difficult is the understatement of the Century.  I have been updating about my rainbow pregnancy on our family blog.  If you're interested, you can go and check it out:

But I want to be sure to keep this a safe place for anyone and everyone who make come across Whitney's blog.  That's why I have kept the talk of our Rainbow Babe to a minimum.  Though I know you all are rejoicing with us, I also know how hard it is for a baby loss momma to read about or to see those who are pregnant.  So... anyways, that's my reasoning.  Of course I will still update from time to time about Gia.  But this is Whitney's blog and I really want to keep it about her and her life.  

SO... all that to say, I have a lot to say rolling around in my little brain, I just haven't had the strength or made the time to put it into words.  We miss Whitney now seemingly more than ever.  I wish she were here to be a big sister.  I wish I had gotten to wash clothes for her like I am for Gianna.  We just miss her a whole awful lot.  

I'll update with more later as I can.  I hope you konw that we love you all and are so grateful for all your love and prayers and words of encouragement.  And most of all, we love you for remembering our daughter with us.  

XOXO.

It's A.... (For Real This Time)

Wooooo hooooo!  This was such a great Christmas!  As you all know, we decided to wait until Christmas Day to find out if we are having a boy or a girl, even though our ultrasound was on Monday.  To say that it was a long week would be a major understatement.  Several times every night, Sean and I would look at each other and say, "Let's just open it now!"  

Since my doctor didn't take a "money shot" of the babe's defining goods, I asked our Nurse/Sonographer at work if she would take one for us.  You gotta have one of those for the scrapbook, right?!  I have to say that this is a major perk of working where I do!  Luckily, we had some free time before the next ultrasound was scheduled at work, and Kelli was able to fit me in for a quick ultrasound.  It was so much fun to see our little bean again!  I drank some OJ before this ultrasound, and boy, did it get her moving!!!  She was so active!!  Sean was coming to pick me up for lunch (a rare treat since I work downtown, far away from our house) so he even got to come in for a little bit of the ultrasound!  Kelli took a "gender shot" and put it in the envelope with Dr. G's note from the day before.  It was kinda fun having Kelli know but no one else!  She's very trustworthy and can keep a good secret... I am so thankful she was able to do that for us!

So back to Christmas... each time we would say, "Let's just open it (the envelope) now!" our iron will would win out and we decided that we liked the anticipation.  I have to tell you, Christmas has not been this much fun since I was a kid!!  Seriously!!  We went to bed on Christmas Eve, but first I was sure to tell Sean not to wake me up before 8.  :)  I knew he'd be up early!

I kinda had a sneaky feeling that he wasn't getting much sleep that night when I got up at 4:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom (for the 4th time that night- I love pregnancy!) and he said, "Merry Christmas!" in a very perky tone.  When Sean woke me up at 7:45, he confirmed my suspicions... he had woken up every 30 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG!  It was so cute.  

Usually, Christmas mornings are very laid back at our house.  We're all about delayed gratification when it comes to opening gifts... we'll start with our stockings, then take a break to fix breakfast, then go back to opening gifts.  This Christmas was a bit different... first thing, we went for the envelope!!  I told Sean he could open it, since I get to feel the baby all the time, he could have the honor of doing this.  He tore into the envelope, and looked at the pictures.... but didn't know what he was looking at!  It didn't say on the picture!  The picture I took is so funny... it looks like he was disappointed in the gender... but he just didn't know what it meant!

  

So he had to open up the tiny folded piece of paper that our doctor wrote the gender on.  It seemed to take forever for him to open it!!  But he finally did (Seal tried to help, too)... and our suspicions of the last week were true--- She's a girl!!

In the beginning, I was so sure she was a boy!  And almost everyone else thought she would be a boy, too!  But we were wrong.  We have such mixed emotions about having another girl.  Part of us wanted Whitney to be our only girl, because she was so special.  Part of us wanted a boy because in our minds, it might have been a bit easier on our hearts.  But part of me was also really hoping for a girl... the bows, the dresses, the father/daughter dates.  Sean is the kindest, most tenderhearted man I know (along with my own daddy) and I KNOW he will be a great dad.  I believe it takes an extra special man to be able to raise daughters... afterall, its from her Daddy where a girl learns about the love of our heavenly Father,
 where she first learns how she is supposed to be treated by the opposite gender, and where a great deal of her self-esteem is built.  I cannot think of a better man for our daughter than Sean.  

And above all of that, I know that God knows exactly what we need to continue healing from our loss of Whitney.  Yes, when we see our second daughter all dressed up for her first dance recital, we will wonder if Whitney would have liked dance, too.  When she is all dressed up for prom, we'll wonder what color of dress Whitney would have chosen.  But that's ok.  This little girl does not replace Whitney by any means.  And just how people with multiple children tell me that they love each child equally, yet differently, I am trusting that this will be the case with our new little girl.

We haven't come up with a name yet... its so hard!  We loved Whitney Jill from the beginning.  It was the only name both of us liked.  Now, we have several names we sorta like, and a few frontrunners, but nothing that we're just sold on yet.  I'll keep you updated, though!

So thanks for waiting in eager anticipation with us!  We are trying to take this journey one day at a time.  My tummy is growing more and more each day, and I'm feeling her move some, too.  I am over half-way there and we can't wait to meet our little girl!!

We were able to Skype with my parents and brother in Egypt... they were excited too!  This will be their 4th granddaughter!  :)  After a great, leisurely morning, Sean and I went to Woodward Park.  We call this "Whitney's Park" since its where we held her memorial service.  We sat by "her" lake, but it started to get a bit crowded so we walked around for a little while.  It was a beautiful day outside.  And the whole day itself was very bittersweet-- in a good way.  There were moments we missed Whitney so much, we just stopped and cried.  We held her bunny while we did things throughout the day, and wondered what next Christmas will be like.  We are so thankful for the many blessings this difficult year has brought, and this year more than ever, we are thankful for the God who became a baby so that we might be given the hope of Heaven.

IT'S A....

HEALTHY BABY!!

(You didn't think I'd tell you the gender yet, did you?  hehe)

Last night, neither Sean nor I slept very well.  Maybe it was the homemade lumpia we ate at 9 o'clock, or maybe it was anticipations of Monday morning.  But as I was lying awake, tyring to take captive every anxious thought, Romans 15:13 came to my mind once again.  

I've written about the significance of this verse in my life probably a dozen times.  And here it was again.  The same prayer that my daddy prayed over me when I was 16 remains a fervent prayer of my heart today:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Oh, that was what I needed last night... hope.  Hope that our baby would be healthy.  I need joy... as much joy in this pregnancy as I had with Whitney.  I've been guarding myself too much to feel that.  And peace... peace that passes understanding.  Peace that says even though everything in my past tells me to worry, I don't need to.  Yes, I love that verse.

So on to the ultrasound... I love my doctor.  As soon as the nurse took us into the room, he was right there behind her, ready to do the ultrasound.  Before he started anything, he took both mine and Sean's hands and prayed over us.  That was the only point I cried a little all morning!

He talked me through each step, making me feel more comfortable, and when he put the gel on my tummy, he drew a big smiley-faced baby... it made me laugh.  He checked all the major organs, the spine, the face, the brain, the heart... everything.  He said the amniotic fluid was sufficient (which if you remember, Whitney had virtually none).  There were no bright spots on the heart and it had all four chambers, pumping away.

The only cause for a little concern was that baby is measuring a little bit small.  Just a few days behind where my original ultrasound dated me and still well within the margin of error.  But my doctor was not the least bit worried... he said that early ultrasounds are the most accurate, as babies begin to develop at different rates the further along in the pregnancy you are.  So, I am going to trust my doctor and not freak out that the baby is a little on the small side.  He said its most likely genetics... I'm pretty tiny myself.  I asked if we would need to check the development a little later, and he said no... it really wasn't that big of a deal.  So.... I"m trying to adapt that attitude, too... nothing to worry about.

One thing that was interesting is the baby has really long legs!  The legs measured a week or more longer than everything else!  Again Dr. G said this is a good thing, because most chromosomal abnormalities result in shortened limbs.  (I keep repeating to myself "I will not Google 'problems with long limbs', I will not Google 'problems with long limbs.'  Google is the devil!)  The baby wasn't very active, but I could tell that his/her muscle tone was much better than Whitney's was.... Whitney's arms and legs were very tiny.  From what I could see on this little one's legs, there looked to be a bit more muscle on them.  So again, I'm trying not to worry that the baby wasn't moving very much... beacuse just a few minutes ago he/she was moving around and I could definitely feel it!  Maybe baby just isn't a morning person (much like mamma).

So now... we wait until Christmas to find out what we're having.  Dr. G didn't take a picture of the "goods" but he did write down the gender and we will open it on Christmas!  I'll be sure to update when we know!

There are things that I could obsess over and find to worry about, but I am going to try my hardest to just put my trust in the One who is creating this little miracle, and trust in the Doctor whom the Lord has brought into our lives to care for us at this time.  I am going to be so sad if we have to move before he delivers us, but then again, that would be a good thing because it would mean we have a new ministry!  So here's my biggest prayers from here on out:

* That baby will grow at a healthy rate, and stay on target for growth

* That Sean and I will stay vigilant to take captive every thought of doubt and fear Satan places in our heads

* A healthy pregnancy

* That we will find a ministry soon, so we can get established with another doctor before we get too close to delivery 

Thanks so much for your prayers and all the love and support we've felt this past weekend!  I really appreciated all your notes and messages and prayers.... WE FELT THEM!  

One more thing I just have to add... I know that our God is the same God today that he was a year ago when we got Whitney's diagnosis.  His love and mercy and goodness never changes.  And I am so thankful that he is the same in the hard times as he is in the good times.  

Countdown to the BIG One

Whitney

On Monday, we have our "BIG" ultrasound at my dr.'s office.  Most people who are living in a blissful "what could possibly go wrong with my pregnancy" state call it the "gender ultrasound."  I remember the biggest thing I was worried about before this ultrasound with Whitney was that she'd have her legs crossed and we wouldn't be able to find out the sex that day.  Like, I very vividly remember being stressed about that!  It all seems so silly now.  It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot of my OB's office that the real panic started to set in... and I begged Sean never to leave me, no matter what the ultrasound showed.  He thought I was crazy, but my mother's intuition was right.  It was at this 20-week ultrasound when we found out so very much was wrong with our baby.

Whitney

So here I am again.  Less than a year after Whitney was born.  And I'm in the same position.  Similar fears are rising up, only this time, they're amplified.  Like, times a million.  I've given up the notion of regaining my "pregnancy innocence."  Done away with the dream of a worry-free pregnancy.  And this time around, I know so much more than I did on that November day in 2009 when my world flipped upside down.  

My mom used to always tell me that life is not fair.  I think we all know that to some degree, but we cling to the underlying sense that there is some form of justice in this world.  But this year, I've learned that's not true.  Sometimes, things really are simply unfair.  Unjust.  Not right.  And there is no one to blame.  I know now that there are so many terrible things that can go wrong in the fragile knitting of a tiny human being.  So much more than I could have ever imagined.

Baby Wilson #2 @ 13 weeks

 

Now here I am, 4 days away from this potentially life-changing ultrasound (again).  Every scenario is running though my mind...

... what if we go in and there's no heart beat?

... what if the doctor finds something horribly wrong (again)? (my list on this one is specific, but too terrible to write or fathom)

... what if the doctor finds something wrong, but we dont' quite know what it is?  And then we have to wait and wait and wait again for answers? (again)

... what if the doctor finds nothing wrong, and I continue to obsess and worry that the u/s wasn't thorough enough?

... what if everything looks perfect with the baby, but something unforeseen happens in the end (again)?

 

I guess it feels good to write this all out.  I know that I need to trust my doctor and his quarter-century of experience in delivering healthy babies.  I need to trust that the Lord who was good enough to bring us through our pain with Whitney is good enough (and big enough) to bring us through this, too.  

My mom told me about a Bible study she was a part of (I think it was Beth Moore's Esther) when Whitney was born.  One of the things that stuck out to my mom was to ask the question "What's the worst that could happen?" and then follow that up with "Then what?"  The point was, in the end, when we get down to the very dakest of our worst fears, even if they do come true, we wind up on our knees before the Father and somehow manage to move on.  

I know if the worst of my fears were to come true (which would be to find something wrong and have to endure weeks or months of waiting to find out what it is-- that's the worst... not knowing), we'd still be ok.  God would still be good, and we would still be His.  We've done this all before, and I guess we could do it again, but it would suck.  A lot. 

I have a 'feeling' that this is all going to be ok, nothing like last time... but there are moments when so much fear just creeps in, its paralyzing.  Ok... so all that to say... can you pray for us?  I have one more (very LONG) work day tomorrow, then the weekend...then my appointment is first thing Monday morning at 8 am.  Here are some specific things you can pray for:

* Peace in the days leading up to our ultrasound

* A healthy baby!!!!

* Wisdom for our dr. performing the ultrasound

* Thoroughness in the ultrasound (checking every organ and date)... and that I would trust the doctor's skill 

* That the ultrasound equipment will be advanced enough to calm my fears

* That there will be no ambiguity in the findings... the waiting is the worst

* For hope to rise within us, that this will finally be a "take home" baby

* Health for all of us (Sean is sick right now)

* Again, peace that passes understanding

Oh! And as for the gender findings... we are hoping to wait until Christmas to find out if its a boy or girl.  We're praying that all goes smoothly with the ultrasound and that we will joyfully ask the dr. to put the "money shot" picture in a card and open it on Christmas day.  So.... I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for the prayers.  

 

A Little Rain, A Lot of Shine...

 

 

 

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life. 
John Updike 

 

 

There are some seasons in life that can best be described as "stormy"... you know, a season where all you can see are the dark, looming thunderclouds overhead, with little to no promise of sun in the coming days.  Seasons where the forecast is cloudy with an 100% chance of rain for weeks on end.  Losing Whitney was defintely a stormy season in our life.  I am thankful for the strong roots that Sean and I have cultivated and grown in the previous 5 1/2 years of being married, as they truly allowed us to sway with the storms, while remaining rooted in our Faith and in each other.  

Then there are other times in life when just a little rain comes your way.  Sometimes its a day of sprinkles with cloudy, grey skies.  Other times, its a few weeks on end where things seem overcast.  They're certainly not tragically dark days, and you know the sun will soon be out again, but nevertheless, its the proverbial rain on your parade.  

We're in one of those "scattered showers here and there" seasons right now.  Sean was laid off last week, along with several other co-workers due to lack of finances.  Its a sign of the times, and certainly something that many others are experiencing, too.  So while its kinda crummy to be without a certain job at the moment, we're super excited about all the possibilities that the coming days of sunshine hold.  

My dad spent some of his growing up years in South America, and I remember him telling us they only had two seasons there: "Dry Season" and "Rainy Season."  In fact, he said that when it would start raining, the kids would run out of school to play in the rain!  That's always been my take on a rainy day... they make me feel all warm and snuggly... I want to stay close at home and draw closer to the ones I love around me.  I think that's what these little 'days of sprinkles' are encouraging me to do-- love my husband even more, and be so thankful for all the amazing blessings we truly have.  Yes, all the details are up in the air, we'll be changing A LOT of things in the coming weeks, but the overwhelming word that keeps coming to mind is PEACE.  Thunderstorms and rain calm me down, they center me and bring me peace.  I love falling asleep to the sound of rain on my windows.  And much like my dad would run and play in the rain, we are choosing to rest in the peace of knowing that this, too shall pass.  The rain won't last forever.  And when the clouds make way for the sun to shine through, all will be clear.  And we'll still be exactly where God wants us to be... no matter what.  There is no greater peace than that.  Of course we have some "grown up" decisions to make in the mean time, but hey-- we're almost 30... I figure its about time for that, right?  *wink*

So now for the shine.... oh, and friends, there's a whole lotta shine....  

 I love this picture to the left.  (I didn't take it, but have seen the scene many times.  Photo credits on pic.)  Years ago, I had a youth sponsor whom I adored.  I baby sat for her three boys (who are now in college, married and having babies!) and she was also a D-Group leader for me and some friends.  She told me the story about how one day, she was driving along and saw the sun streaming through the clouds, much like in this picture.  One of her sons asked her what that was, and she answered him with the first thing that came to her mind.  She told him, "That's just God showing us His glory."  To this day, some 20+ years later, I still remember her saying that, and think about it every. single. time. I see a sky like this.  And isn't that just so true?  Yes, I know scientifically, its just clouds covering the sun and dispersing the rays of light in different directions... but really, at the heart of it, its God showing us His glory.

The same thing is true with rainbows.  And the meaning even goes deeper there... a rainbow is literally a promise of Biblical proportions!  A promise that the Lord will never destroy the earth by flood again.  I am just so in love with the visual images that God blesses us with, and chooses to use to show Himself to us!

For those of us who have had storms in life that involved losing a child, we long for the days when we will see the sun again.  And sometimes those days of sun overlap a few drops of rain, creating a rainbow.  There's a term in the "baby loss" community for a pregnancy that happens after a loss... that baby is called a rainbow baby.  Because as Dolly Parton said, you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.  So with much joy, caution, anxiousness, love and excitement, Sean and I are expecting our rainbow baby.  I am about 11 or 12 weeks along (my ultrasounds have been a few days off, so somewhere in between there), due the first week of May.  I've known for about 6
weeks, and have tried to keep it quiet for fear of what might happen.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that regardless of what happens, this baby is still my baby.  And I want the world to know that he or she exists!  So... I guess that's why I'm letting the cat out of the bag on this one (when I told myself I'd wait until much later to tell the world).  Of course we are scared, but I am trying to focus on the same truths I did with Whitney... God is forming this little one... perfectly, according to his plan, so that s/he can do great works for Him!  His eyes can see his/her unformed body, and all the days of his/her life have already been written before one of them has ever come to pass.  When I realize that, how can I worry?  There is no fear in love, and I know that the Lord loves all His children.  He has compassion on ALL he has made... including this little one he is still knitting together.

Don't worry.... this blog isn't going to become a baby blog.  Because I know all too well that though some of you may really want to be happy for us, the pain of your loss is still too fresh.  I know that.  I get it.  I'm not upset.  So I just want you to know that this will still be a safe place; no posts on pregnancy updates every week.  I promise.  I am going to start writing to my rainbow and may share that, but I also may keep it private.   I haven't decided yet.  If I choose to share, I'll let you know.  

Whew... that was a long one.  1300+ words.  I haven't written that much since Ozark!  (OK, not true.)  While there may be a few uncertainties right now (Where will our baby be born?  Will s/he be ok?  Where will we live?  How will we move our cats across the country???  When/where will we find new jobs?), they are nothing more than a few welcomed sprinkles.  We are choosing to dance in this rain, and keep our eyes focused on the Son, the bringer of peace and new life.  We'd love your prayers, and would love to pray for you too, as I know we're not the only ones experiencing some clouds right now.  Love you all.  

Oh... and just for fun (and because I LOVE the ladies I work with, especially Kelli who gave me an ultrasound today) I thought I'd share some video with you.  :)

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Lyman Frank Baum

Rainbow Necklace HERE