Gifts for a Grieving Friend

A question came up in the on-line community that I am a part of about what kind of gifts are appropriate for a friend or acquaintance who has lost a baby.  Many times, people are afraid of offending the grieving parents, but from my personal experience, I can't think of anything that anyone gave me that offended me.  I know I was just thankful that they cared enough to think about me and remember Whitney.  So here are some ideas....

1. A necklace or other piece of jewelry.  I received several beautiful necklaces and bracelets to help me remember Whitney.... they are all different and I LOVE them all!  I wear a different necklace or bracelet almost every day.  My girlfriends from high school all pitched in and got me a bracelet with Whitney's name and purple beads (she was born in Feb).  Handstamped jewelry is really "in" right now, and can be a beautiful piece to give a mom who has lost her baby.  Most of the necklaces I got had Whitney's name and birthdate engraved on them.  I also received a beautiful locket that I LOVE, too.  When I wear these necklaces, I not only remember my daughter, but the loved one(s) who gave me the necklace.  (The one pictured below is from The Vintage Pearl.)

2. Flowers.  As cliche as it may seem, I loved having live flowers in the house after Whitney died.  My favorites were a bouquet of white lillies that some friends brought us in the hospital.  Sean and I have since decided that lillies were "her" flowers.  Another one of my favorites were some beautiful yellow tulips in an awesome vase... bright and cheery... reminded me of the joy Whitney brought to us in her short life.  A personal delivery from yourself and maybe one other person would be nice... but be sensitive to keeping your visit short and to a few people.  

3. Card.  Again, a simple thing but it means a lot.  A heartfelt card with a personal, handwritten message can go a long way.  I still have every single card given to us when Whitney died.

4. Comfort items.  When my boss stopped by my house a few days after Whitney was born, she brought me one of my favorite gifts... an incredibly soft, beautiful blanket.  A blanket intended just for me and bringing me comfort.  She said that she thought I might like something the wrap myself in... and she was right.  It was one of those blankets that you always see in boutiques that are kinda pricey and would probably never buy for yourself but feel oh-so-amazing.  Other ideas for "comfort items" for mom are some fuzzy socks or slippers, bubble bath, lotions or other things like that.

5. Restaurant Gift Cards.  Your friend will probably not feel like getting out of the house for dinner any time soon, and she probably has a handful of people already providing meals.  However, there will come a time when the freezer meals are gone, and she is ready to venture out again.  Restaurant gift cards are a nice gift for this very reason. 

6. Other ideas... A good gift for dad may be a keychain with engravings related to their baby.  Vintage pearl has several, as does many other websites.  The gift of time and services cannot be overestimated, either.  Offer to watch their other kids, spend time with them, make arrangements for necessities, etc.  Obviously, your relationship with the parents will determine your level of involvement in this area.

 

A general rule of thumb is that its better to say and do something than nothing at all.  And a little gesture goes a long way.  

 

Crowd Surfing

I know I've said it before, but I am so very blessed to work with an amazing group of women at the Pregnancy Care Center.  We had our annual volunteer appreciation brunch Saturday morning, and it was such a great time of fellowship.  We spent a couple of hours just really appreciating and thanking our tireless volunteers who are truly the heart of our ministry.  

Our nurse manager, Kelli, was unable to be at the brunch because her dad has recently become very ill with cancer.  He is going down hill fast and they just called in hospice this past week.  It has been great to see the love, prayers and support we have all pitched in on her behalf as she is going through this difficult time.

And I know very well how great an assett that support is.  You may remember, right after our ultrasound with Whitney that showed some concerns, it was Thanksgiving.  I didn't go back to work for a couple of weeks because we had already planned a trip to Cincinnati to visit family.  But, during that time, while we were waiting for answers and praying for healing, the women I work with signed up to be on a continual fast.  One dear woman even fasted and prayed for us ON THANKSGIVING!  

It is ultimately Christ who gives us strength to continue a pregnancy in the midst of a fatal diganosis.  But I believe that in situations like that, the reality of God's people being His hands and feet is more palpable than ever.  Some of my fellow baby loss moms found their support from their church leaders; others have found the support needed to carry a baby with an adverse diagnosis from their family, friends, doctors, etc.  I can't say that a lot of support came from my church leaders, I can tell you that without the women in my work community, carrying Whitney would have been a lot harder.  (I actually call it my work/faith community, because it is a Christ-centered environment, filled with women of the Word and wisdom.)  They were and still are a critical part of this journey we are walking in life. 

Galatians 6:2 says:
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 

The women I work with truly "get" this verse.  In the past two years, our staff has experienced a lot of loss, some traumatic situations and tense relationship-- just in our personal lives... not even talking about the life or death situations we encounter on a daily basis in the counseling room.  

Back to what I was say earlier about Kelli... since she was unable to attend the brunch, she sent a little message that we read.  In this note, she talked about the "Footprints in the Sand" poem.  The gist of the poem is that in the difficult times, God is not only with us, but he is carrying us in His arms.  Kelli expressed her heartfelt thanks for the support we, at the PCC have been giving her, and that she pictured us "crowd surfing" her to throne of God... raising her up with our hands, carrying her in one of the toughest seasons of her life.

I love that... as Christians, that's what we are supposed to do!  God calls us to bear one another's burdens, and sometimes, that means carrying a brother or sister when they can't walk themselves.  In a group setting, I imagine that would look a lot like crowd surfing.  :)

 

Helping A Friend- Extra Link

Yesterday I came across a great list of suggestions on how to help a friend who has had a miscarriage.  It is on Melissa's blog at "Its Almost Naptime!"  She had a guest blogger post some excellent suggestions on how to help a friend who has had a miscarriage.    I know many, many people who have had a miscarriage-- almost one in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so chances are you, you know someone too.  Instead of reinventing the wheel on this one, I thought I'd just post a link.  So head on over to "It's Almost Naptime" and bookmark this entry.  Some excellent suggestions on how to help a friend.

How To Help A Friend Who Has Had A Miscarriage

Helping A Friend- Part Two

This is part two in our posts about helping a friend who has lost/is losing a child.  In Part One, I gave some ideas on things that you, as a friend, can do for someone you know who is carrying a baby with an adverse prenatal diagnosis.  In Part Two, I will give some ideas on things you can do after your friend's baby has passed away.  I think these suggestions would go for any stage of infant loss.

How To Help A Friend Who Has Lost A Baby

1. Bring Meals to them.  The last thing your friend will want to have to worry about is food.  Having a list of people who will bring meals to their home in the days after the birth/loss will be a tremendous help.  One of the wonderful ladies at our church organzied a list of people who brought us food for two whole weeks after Whitney was born.  It was so wonderful.  Some easy ideas for meals would be a pot roast, lasagna, pasta, baked chicken... anything they can reheat, too.  The ladies who make our meal list also wrote what each person was bringing, which helped ensure we didn't have five nights of meatloaf.  :)  You might also want to ask about any food allergies and make sure that the people preparing the meals know.

2. Call, email, send messages, write notes... but don't be offended if they don't respond.  Do say something.  Just like I wrote in Part One, your friend may not feel like talking to anyone.  But she will want and need to know her friends still love and support her.  In the days immediately surrounding her loss, she may feel numb and not even be capable of a response.  Your notes of love and sympathy will not go unnoticed.  Same thing if you are on Facebook... send her a message or post a note on her wall. I read every single comment I received; with each one, I felt more and more comforted.  Even if you don't know the person very well... go ahead and send a note.  I received notes and messages from people I don't think I've ever spoken to in my life, but I still appreciated it just as much.

3. You'll want to offer them advice... don't.  I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too.  Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help.  (I should make a list of well-meaning things NEVER to say...) Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she just lost.  She also doesn't want to hear about God's plan right now.  Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could.  I also think its pefectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks."  Because it does.  Sugar coating it doesn't help anything.  You know it sucks.  She knows it sucks.  So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show.

4. Do something practical.  If your friends have other children, take them out of the house for an afternoon.  Offer to take them overnight while she is at the hospital.  Maybe your friend needs her yard mowed.  Remember, dads experience just as much loss and grief as the mom.  The last thing he probably wants to do is mow the yard.  Ask if you can help her with housework, laundry... whatever.  My mom was here when WHitney was born.  When we came home from the hospital, she had completely cleaned every inch of our house (including the bathroom I told her not to go in!).  It was such a relief to come home to a clean house.  

5. Again, continue to invite them to things.  Even though your friend will probably not feel up for being around lots of people, still invite her.  Don't give up even when she continues to turn you down.  :)

6. Contribute to a memorial fund.  Sometimes, parents will set up a memorial fund in honor of their baby who has passed away.  Sometimes, they may not have a memorial fund set up, but there is some kind of organization or fund you can contribute to in honor/memory of their little one.  There are organizations that contribute to research in all areas, as well as non-profits who help families wih sick children.  A few examples are The Ronald McDonald House, Children's Hospital (possibly where your friend may have seen doctors), Cancer Societies... the list goes on and on.  Most of the time, when you make a contribution in honor of someone, they will send a note to the parents, letting them know a contribution was made in memory of their child.  Again, this means the WORLD to a parent!  We set up the Whitney Jill Memorial Fund after a few people asked us about it.  All the money donated goes to a local pregnancy clinic that helps women in crisis pregnancies.  The clinic does ultrasounds free of charge.  We chose this organization because it was through ultrasound that Sean and I were able to see Whitney in life and we are so thankful for the images we have of her via ultrasound.  (I'm working on an update to be posted soon!!!) Its easy to set up your own... just choose an organization, hospital or cause that is close to your heart and let people know about it.  You can even get a paypal button for free to make online donation easy.  Even the people who gave just $5 or $10 have such a special place in my heart.  Contributing to Whitney's memorial fund went above and beyond sending a card.  If you are in a position where you can do this for your friend, I know it would mean the world.

7. Remember the anniversary of their baby's death.  I cannot tell you how much it means to me when my mom or sister or someone remembers an anniversary... 1 month, 6  months, whatever.  Mark it on your calendar, so that when the one year anniversary comes, you can send them a card or give them a call to let them know you still remember their baby.  

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**EDIT** Here are some more great ideas from Beth A....

8. Don't be afraid to cry with your friend.  I already mentioned how comforting it can be to a friend to just sit with her in her loss.  Beth reminded me how important it can be to share your tears with your friend, too.  There were seasons when I was pregnant where I could not hold a natural conversation with hardly anyone, because they would start crying just talking to me!  But that's ok!  It truly showed me how much they care for us.  I even met a friend a few weeks ago whom I've never met in person, but she told me that she has shed many tears for us.  That touched me so much!  So don't be afraid of the tears.  They are God's way of helping to heal our hearts.

9. Speak their child's name.  I can't believe I forgot this one!  This was another great suggestion from Beth.  We all know names are especially powerful.  Most parents spend months thinking of the perfect name for their little one.  Names give us our identity and can continue a family legacy.  So when you speak of your friend's child by name, it acknowledges their existence.  There is an Egyptian proverb that says, "To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again."  Names are powerful.  This is the same idea behind our Name Gallery.  So don't be afraid to speak to your friend about her child, mentioning him or her by name.  :-)

10. Pray for them!  And let them know you are praying for them.  A lot of times, people will say as an addendum to a conversations, "I'll pray for you."  Some people genuinely mean it, others just say it because it seems like the right thing to say.  Whatever you do, if you tell them you are praying for them, do it!  I had several friends who would write out their prayers and send them to me.  Its meant so much!

I am sure there are more things to add... in fact, if you have something to add, please do!  I'd love to hear of something you did for a friend, or something they did for you.  We'll just kind of keep adding to this list.  I hope this helps someone out there!

Helping A Friend- Part One

In the past couple of months, several people have asked me what they can do to help a friend who has lost a child.  Like I've said so many times, death is an uncomfortable thing in our American culture, and many people don't know how to respond to a friend who's child has died.  It can be even more uncomfortable in situations like our's, where we were still pregnant but knew our baby was sick and would not survive.  Many people may want to help, but they just don't know how.  Here are a few things that might help.  I'm also going to do this in two different posts...the first one will be things that could help if you have a friend who is carrying a pregnancy with an adverse prenatal diagnosis.  

How To Help A Friend Currently Pregnant With A Sick Baby

1. Call them, email them, write notes... but don't be offended if they don't respond.  Especially in the beginning, when the adverse diagnosis is fresh, your friend may not feel like talking to anyone.  But most likely, she will probably want to know her friends still love and support her.  In cases where the pregnancy is deemed "incompatible with life" there is often a lot of confusion and uncertainty... confusion about the specific diagnosis, uncertainty on how long the baby will survive, and the health condition of the mother.  Just going to a doctor's appointment can be overwhelming and exhausting.  But your notes of encouragement and love will not go unnoticed.  

2. Respect their privacy in how much they decide to share.  People handle difficult situations in many different ways.  Some people are very open about what is happening with their pregnancy (hello, blogworld) and others will choose not to tell hardly anyone.  We chose to be pretty open about what was going on, for a number of different reasons.  But not everyone is like that-- and that is perfectly alright.  There is no handbook for this kind of thing.  Whatever your friend chooses, respect her decision.  If you are close enough to ask her questions about the pregnancy, by all means, go ahead.  Your friend may find you are someone whom she can confide in.  But, if she doesn't want to talk about it, respect that.  Kind of take your friend's lead in this area.

3. Resist the urge to offer advice.  I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too.  Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help.  Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she is pregnant with.  She also doesn't want to hear about God's plan right now.  Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could.  I also think its pefectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks."  Because it does.  Sugar coating it doesn't help anything.  You know it sucks.  She knows it sucks.  So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show.

4. Throw her a "love shower."  Everyone is different, and some people may not want a shower.  A friend asked me if I would like one, and at first I wasn't sure.  I certainly couldn't stand the thought of getting baby things, when I knew Whitney wouldn't be around long enough for us to use them.  In the end, Whitney came earlier than we had planned, and I didn't have a "love shower."  However, several of my other Angel Baby moms did have love showers.  Instead of buying baby things, like you normally would at a shower, gift her with pampering items.  A few gift ideas:
 

• SPA GIFT CERTIFICATE 


•         GIFT CERTIFICATE TO HER FAVE HAIRSTYLIST (my amazing friend and hairstylist, Katy,     gifted me with a haircut and it was so wonderful.  I went just a few weeks after     Whitney was born, and it felt great to take some time out to do that)


•         JEWELRY (Fun stuff or personalized stuff... there are some great custom jewelry makers     out there... one of my faves is The Vintage Pearl.


•         COMFORT ITEMS (like a fuzzy blanket, warm slippers, soft robe, jammies, etc.)


•         BOOKS (Anything your friend loves... Karen Kingsbury, Jackina Stark... something fictional is    good to help her 'escape' when she wants to just take her mind off things)


•         HANDMADE ANYTHING (Hand made gifts are always so meaningful.  You may want     to coordinate with other shower guests, so your friend doesn't get a dozen blankets, but     gifts from the heart are always so special.)


•         RESTAURANT GIFT CARDS


•         MATERNITY PHOTO SHOOT GIFT CERTIFICATE (Our very talented friend and photographer,    Hannah G. gifted us with an amazing maternity photo shoot.  I cannot express in words     how much these photos mean to me!!)


•         GO IN ON A BIG GIFT TOGETHER Much like you might "go in" on a stroller or car seat for a     baby shower, consider going in on a big gift like a really nice camera or video recorder.      (We have the FLIP and LOVE it.  We were really thankful for the cameras we had a     Whitney's delivery, too.)

5. Continue to invite her to things (birthday parties, dinner, showers, etc) but again, don't be offended if she doesn't accept the invitation.  Often, a dinner is just what your friend might need to help perk her spirits up on a tough day.  Even though she may decline an offer a few times, don't give up on her.  :) 

6. Offer to help with some of the unpleasant logistical arrangements.  Of course, this isn't for every friend to offer.  But if this is your best friend and you live close, offering to take care of some unpleasant things could be a huge weight off your friend's sholders.  Often, when a woman is carrying a baby she knows will not surivive, she will plan the funeral or memorial service before her baby is born.  You could offer to help her with making the funeral bulletins, arranging a location, or organizing a lunch afterward.  If you've used a funeral home in town, and would recommend them to your friend, do so.  But again, use your discretion in this.  Some people may not want help in these areas.  You can always just offer the help in a simple sentence or two, then let your friend decide to take you up on the offer. 

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I think the key to helping a friend who is carrying a baby with an adverse prenatal diagnosis is to just love her.  Don't change the way you treat her.  Still call her.  Invite her to things.  Go out of your way to let her know you are thinking of her.  Don't be offended if she doesn't respond how she 'normally' would.  Afterall, her life is forever changing.  She is in the process of learning to live in a new state of Normal.  Love. Love. Love. Persistence. Prayers. Love. Gentleness. Thick Skin. Prayers. Love. Compassion. Love. Grace. Love. Grace. Tact. Comfort. Love. Prayers. Love.  Love, Love, Love.