Body Integration

Reverb 2010- Day 12

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? 

Seriously, come on people... who writes these prompts?  

I would like to say that I ran a marathon this year, or won some mega-award for being the strongest female or something.... well, actually, I take that back.  I really have no desire to run a marathon, and female body buildres kinda freak me out.  

I guess at the risk of sounding redundant, the truest moment where I felt the most "oneness" in my body and mind was in giving birth.  But I kinda already wrote about that on Day Three when I wrote about feeling most alive.  

So... that's all I got for today!

Things

Reverb 2010- Day 11

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

"Things."  What an all-inclusive yet vague title, huh?  I live pretty low key and generally adapt to a no-drama policy.  We don't really have a lot of material "things" that get in the way, because well... we don't want things getting in the way of our reason for living.  Hmmmmm... so I'll work the list a little differently. Here we go...

Things I don't need in 2011 and will be doing without!

1. Bitterness.  I've learned that holding onto bitterness only gives the people or situation more power than they're worth or deserve.  So along with bitterness, I'm letting go of two other very pesky "things" in my life (which may or may not be specific pesky individuals) that have been the source of much of this unnecessary and now banned bitterness.
2. Unnamed Aforementioned "Thing" Uno
3. Unnamed Aforementioned "Thing" Dos

Now I'm going to list things I'd like to get rid of but am not quite sure exactly how to...

4. Stressing about finding a job
5. Stressing about a place to live
6. Stressing about a place to have our baby
7. Worry about having a healthy baby

And finally, things I'd REALLY like to get rid of (and will pray for a miracle)... but one can always hope, right?

8. Allergies to my kitties... I love them so much, but they make me so miserable!  But I still love them.
9. Allergy to milk.  No icecream, pizza or alfredo... need I say more?
10. Insomnia.  Sean falls asleep in 2 seconds... me, its more like 2 hours!
11.  **aaaaand... that's all I've got, people!**

Wisdom

Reverb 2010- Day 10

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? 

I made a lot of decisions this year.  Tough decisions.  Decisions that no one should ever have to make.  The hardest decision, of course, was whether or not to continue carrying Whitney, despite her life-limiting diagnosis.  

I think I've written on here before that Sean and I really did struggle with this decision.  It took some time for me to truly own up to that fact-- the fact that for a brief time, we considered if there were any pro's to terminating our pregnancy.  But in the interest of full disclosure here, we did.  It was perhaps the third most life-defining moment thus far.  (See HERE for the first two most important decisions you'll ever make.)  Even though I have been an active part of the pro-life community since college, with a thorough knowledge of aboriton and the life-long devastation it causes, we still had to look at all of the options that were presented to us.  And not because we wanted an easy way out, but because we were desperately worried about bringing pain to our baby or the pain she was potentially experiencing.  

By the grace of God, we took time to pray, seek counsel and search God's promises for some direction.  Without fail, our Heavenly Father came through (as he always does).  I was comforted by the Psalms that told me "the Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."  These verses told me that it was not my job to be the mercenary for my daughter... it was not my job to determine her fate.  I had no say in when her tiny heart started beating, and I was to have no say in when it would stop beathing.  The Lord is good to all.  Including my daughter.  His perfect, tiny creation.  

I have no regrets about that decision.  There were a lot of "what if's" during my pregnancy, but when all was said and done, every last question was answered.  I know what she looked like, how she smelled, whose features she had.  Had we listened to my doctor and aborted at 24 weeks, we would not have had those answers.  We would have never held her.  Yes, it was a tough few months until her delivery, but every day of uncertainty was worth it for all of the finality we now have.  Termination does not provide that kind of closure.  It just leaves an empty womb, which I was going to have one way or another, sooner or later.  

That was the best decision I made this year.  And I would do it all over again if I had to.  An equally great decision was the choices that Sean and I made every day to wake up and continue loving one another.  Even though some days, our grief made us really ugly.  We still loved and cared for and cherished each other...even more than we ever had before.  Many couples don't make it through such trying times, but I am so thankful for my partner in life!  And that decision, I would make a million times over!

PARTY!!!!

Reverb 2010- Day 9

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. 

I just have to start this off by saying I've been pretty stressed out tonight.  Stressed/sad/anxious/upset/mad/fill-in-the-blank.  We have experienced so many major life changes this year, and I'm just ready to be settled... but it doesn't look like that is going to happen very soon.  So when I read the prompt for today, I was actually thankful that it made me smile and took me back to one of my favorite times of 2010.

On to the party.... It was somehwere in the middle of the Nile River... sailing between Aswan and Luxor.  We'd just had a day full of taking in ancient sites and wonders.  The mysteries of the oldest culture known to man were fresh in our minds, and I'd been having dreams of Nefertiti.  Before we'd left for our Nile cruise, we went Galabeya shopping in Cairo.  Mom knew the perfect spot that had dozens of linen shops, filled to the brim with colorful dresses and shirts.  I selected one of the more "touristy" styles, with heiroglyphics and other Egyptian landmarks embroidered on it.  Sean, on the other hand, choose the most beautiful, elegant, deep blue and silver galabeya-- it was fit for royalty!  We also bought a couple more galabeyas... simpler, lightweight cotton ones, too.  You know... for those days back in the states when we just want to dress up, uh, Egyptian style.  What can I say?  They were beautiful.  And there were just SO MANY choices.  

After our long, hot day of sight-seeing through some amazing temples, we came back to our ship and took showers, then got into our shiny new Egyptian outfits.  We all went to the on-board store, where we were dressed up with beaded head pieces and the guy even did Mom and I's make-up-- Egyptian-style, of course.  The guy was really quite charming, and had been giving me 'the eye' every time we saw him on the ship... though, please don't think I let it get to my head.  I was about the only 20-something femal onboard and I wasn't wearing my wedding ring.  Anyways, I think he propositioned me... via my mother.  He jokingly asked in broken English, "How many camels for your daughter?"  When my mom told him that I was married he apologized profusely and got very shy!  

We had a delicious dinner up on the patio that night.  The Nile air was warm but not hot, and a cooling breeze blew through the canvas awnings.  Our dinner was beautifully lit by lights strung all across the dining deck.  In the corner of the deck was a grill where an array of meats were grilled, and a large spread of sides, breads and desserts were laid out before us like a feast for Pharoah.  The villages along the banks of the Nile were lit up, and I couldn't help but wonder about the lives of those who lived inside the glowing houses.  

After our bellies were sufficiently full, it was time for the party to begin!  A DJ in the back of the ship's lounge played rhytmic, east African music (mingled with the occasional "American" party song), while all the cruisers were encouraged to get out on the dance floor!  We shook our groove thangs alongside the rest of our shipmates, all random strangers mostly over 60, of course.  There were party games (like pass the bottle- hot potato style), dancing, talking and drinking-- Stella and wine were the libations of choice.  It was a wonderful, carefree jubilation that seemed to go on and on... literally until the very last soul left the dance floor.  

It was a wonderful, colorful, dream-like evening.  If any of my friends knew what a galabeya was, I would probably even be tempted to thrown my own party some time!  But, I think parties like this are truly meant to be once in a lifetime, saved for once in a lifetime trips and places.  I am so thankful to God for the amazing gift of memories... and the sites, sounds and smells that can transport me back to that moment as if it were yesterday.  

 

Beautifully Different

Reverb 2010- Day 8

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Hmmm... really?  This is kinda lame.  Or maybe I'm just uncomfortable with introspection of this sort.  It could also have to do with the fact that I have a tendency to let others' opinions of me color the way I feel about myself... and these days, I haven't felt so "bright". 

This is actually kind of funny that this is the prompt for today, because just this afternoon, I taught an entire class on self-esteem to a group of troubled adolescent girls in a rehab house.  One of the things I had them write was what made them unique-- beautifully different.  So now, I feel like one of them... groaning at the assignment.  But I'll spare the choice words and attitudes that I got this afternoon.  :)  (For the record, I really love teaching those girls... so much potential hidden behind so much hurt.)

So what makes me unique?  Well, I'm creative... I love writing and crafting and making things with my hands.  But I hardly have the discipline or desire to make it a regular part of my day-to-day life.  Perhaps things will be different when I'm not working full-time.  

Another thing?  I have amazing friends.  They definitely make me a better person.  The ones who really, truly know me are awesome... and they know that I'm, well, awesome, too.  And they've never left me, no matter how moody I can get.  (Which is really only on rare occasions.  I've only gone "old-timey photo crazy" (aka- ballistic) twice in the entire friendship I've had with my BFFFFFFFFs, Tracy, Will & Wade.  And they know me better than anyone else.  Especially Tracy.  We're talking, take-it-to-the-grave, thisclose kinda friendship.  No seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve a friendship like ours.  Anyways, one of those two rare crazy moments was on my wedding day.  So that one doesn't count.  Only one crazy moment in more than a decade of best friendship is pretty good.  Right?)  We have awesome Oscar parties and red-neck tree burnings in the woods.  Like I said, awesomeness. 

Finally, (this may seem weird to say) but I really dig my sense of humor.  Is that weird to say that I like the way I think?  It sounds weird to me, but whatever... I appreciate a good 80's reference (ala, Psych), while interjecting Perez-like commentary mingled with the occasional Journey or Michael Jackson song in every day situations.  Seriously, you should be inside my head sometimes.  Its quite entertaining.  I guess if you can't make yourself giggle every now and then, what makes you think other people want to hear you joke around?

Community

Reverb 2010- Day 7

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? 

Surprisingly, I have found an incredible source of community from an online group on the Babycenter Community boards.  I mentioned them here in my Resources page.  There are several "groups" that I am a member of online, but its generally the same group of women in all of them.  All of them are moms who have carried a pregnancy despite an adverse prenatal diagnosis, and all of them have lost their babies.  Baby Center Community-  

If there is one thing I have learned about community, it is that you don't have to be in close proximity in order to connected by your very souls.  All you need is common experience and a desire to know that you are not alone.  That's how I came across the Carrying To Term group-- I was looking for other women like me, with whom I could hopefully relate.  

I have been extremely blessed this year to have several of my "online" friends become "real life" friends, by meeting in person.  It was so great to hug their necks, talk about our babies, and lend our unspoken support to each other through understanding and tears.  Community is one of God's greatest gifts to his children, and for us to not partake in it is a huge tragedy.  We are missing out on an integral part of what it means to be the Body of Christ.  

 

Make

Reverb 2010- Day 6

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Oooh!  This is great!  I just made something tonight and I'd love to share it here on Blogla Land, but its a Christmas gift... so I'll have to wait a bit to post a pic.

I used a lot of pretty scrapbook paper, some glue, ribbon and my Cricut.  :)  I'll post pictures later!

I have a million crafty projects bookmarked on my computer... everything from embellishing a knit sweater to building a Pott*ry Barn daybed knock-off.  But I have yet to really work on one project.  I'd LOVE to set aside more time to work on those crafty things... so maybe next year I'll make crafting a priority.  

Let Go

Reverb 2010- Day Five

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? 

Dreams.  Expectations, and taking things for granted.  

This year, I've let go of a lot of my expectations of things... experiences, people, institutions, my husband and myself.  I guess the best way to explain this is to put it this way:

When a woman becomes pregnant, people say she is "expecting."  She is expecting a baby, of course, but its more than than... she is expecting that things will go well, that the baby will be healthy, that her body will not fail her unborn child, and that at the end of 10 months, she will have an addition to the family.  Expecting.  I've had several people ask me if I am "expecting."  I suppose some people think its a more delicate way to ask if I am pregnant, but I just want to respond, "No!  I am NOT expecting anything.  But I am pregnant."  

I've completely let go of my expectations of how things are supposed to be.  That life will all "work out" and that normal life will always be 'normal.'  But that's not the case.

I've let go of my expectations of experiences.  I have lived moments this year that I thought would be far less painful than they actually were.  But I've also overwhelming experienced moments that were far beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.  Before we went to Egypt, I had some limited expectations of what it would be like... you see, I've been enchanted with the land of Egypt for as long as I can remember.  I once dressed up like Cleopatra for a Social Studies project in 6th grade.  I went all out-- even spray-dyed my hair black.  Which actually turned out to be kind of a disaster because the wash out black spray began flaking off and getting black EVERYWHERE.  But I've always dreamt of visiting one of the oldest civilizations known to man.  So when the opportunity arose to travel to the land of my dreams (thanks to my parents living there now!), I tried to imagine what it would be like.  I built up some expectations of how I would feel standing amongst hundreds of thousands of heiroglyphics that were carved years before Christ... but none of my expectations even came CLOSE to that experience.  Seeing the pyramids, walking into ancient tombs and standing in the midst of holy temples filled with mysteries that have yet to be solved, my expectations were blown out of the water er, sand.  I was rendered speechless... awestruck... humbled.  

I've let go of my expectations of people.  Unfortunately, I have many examples of how my expectations of people have deeply hurt me this past year.  But I don't want to focus on the negatives... so I'll write about ways my expectations were pleasantly surprised.  My husband is amazing.  During Whitney's birth and after, he never ceased to amaze me.  He didn't squirm away from the unpleasantries of childbirth, and in the hours and days following, he was right by my side in the most unpleasant of moments.  His love and support-- though it has always been my rock-- was more than I could have ever dreamt it could be.  

And in the end, I've surprised myself.  Survived darker days than I ever thought I could.  Of course, this is all due to God's incredible grace and comfort, which (surprise) has also blown away my expectations.

So I learned early on in 2010 to let go of my expectations. 

Wonder

Reverb 2010 Day Four

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

When I first saw this prompt, I kind of thought it was silly at first... who has time for a sense of wonder in this busy world?  But then I thought about what having a sense of wonder truly means.... And to me, it means appreciating the moment; taking in the fullness of beauty found in the every day.  And when I thought about it that way, I really think I have a good balance of keeping the wonder in my life.

In a year full of such precious, fleeting moments, I've made a very conscious effort to be present in each second, in every minute.  There's really nothing scientific or complex about how I do that... its just a mental determination to breathe in deeply and fully the beauty of every situation.  And I am so thankful that I have done that this year, instead of letting the days just pass me by. 

Moment

Reverb '10- Day Three

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

One very obvious moment sticks out in my head from this past year.  The first one is the day Whitney was born.  I wrote about that day in detail HERE, but it was such an oxymornonic clash of emotions.  On the one hand, feeling the pain of childbirth (albeit thankfully mellow compared to some horror stories I've heard) made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt.  Like my body was experiencing the culmination of all it was meant to do as a woman.  But simultaneously, a part of me was dying... the part that had cultivated so many dreams and wishes for my first-born.  Indeed, a strange crux of my existence.  

Writing

Reverb '10- Day Two

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? 

This one is easy... media multitasking.  Usually when I am writing on this blog or anything else, I have a million other things going too... TV, Radio, phone calls... whatever.  I could blame this on being a product of the MTV Generation, but I'm not really one to pass blame onto ambiguous pop culture labels.  

I think its largely due in part to laziness and a lack of discipline.  I enjoy unwinding with "noise" around me (strange, I know) and would rather sit on my couch than at the kitchen table.  I dream of the day when I have a beautiful 'writing room'... I know there is so much more in my head that I want to write about... much of it in relation to what I have learned this year (and am continuing to learn) with Whitney.  

Ian Fleming (author of the infamous James Bond series) retreated to Goldeneye, his private estate in Oracabessa, Jamaica to pen all 13 of Bond books.  Just look at this place... I mean, who couldn't write a New York Times bestseller in a place like this??

That's great for people who have a jet-setting lifestyle and billion-dollar bduget.  But my creative jucies require something a little more elegant and down to earth.  In my dream world, my writing room would look something like Shaunna's Ethereal writing room.  Just check out this heavenly writer's space:

I could definitely craft some words to coincide with my feelings on that beautiful homemade daybed! She even has a beautiful Writing Bath to go along with this space...

Well, you simply must go check out her amazing space. Maybe some day I'll have a writing room to.. you know, write in.  And my stereo will only be allowed to play Yiruma, Lizst, Beethoven and other composers like that.  :)

One Word.

Reverb '10- Day One

After seeing this on my friend, Kristina's blog, I've decided to participate in Reverb 2010... its sort of a writing exercise to recap this past year.  And since this has bee quite the eventful year, I figured it would be a good thing to do.  

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Loss.

If I could sum up 2010 in one, honest word, it would be loss.  I've experienced more loss than year than my previous 28 years combined.  Most notably, we lost our baby.  Though I could go on and on about how I know we haven't really "lost" her... I know where she is and will see her again.  But we've lost the dreams we had for her here on this earth... we've lost milestones, birthday cakes, first days of school, dances, graduations and a million other would-be 'firsts.'  

Less importantly, we've lost our job (well, Sean's job but our main source of income and reason for the major relocation we made three years ago).  And as a result of that, we will lost our house.  And I will most likely have to lose(leave) my job, as well.  In comparison to the death of our daughter, losing a house or a job is truly the least of my cares.  It is time for us to move on, and we have no desire to stay on a sinking ship any longer than is necessary.  When life throws you a lifeboat, get off the Titanic, right?  So these losses are really just changes... and, if you want to get all "Dr. Phil" that's what my real 'issue' is.

So in all of those things, the true loss this year has been a loss of security and my previously held belief that life is inherently good.  Not that I've become a Debby Downer or Negative Nancy, I guess I've just been shaken out of my 'la-la-land' existence in which I so ignorantly blissfully lived in for nearly three decades and into the reality that most people are awaken to much too early.  So I'm not down on life, and I know that there are good people in the world, and that good things do happen, but I am also so much more acutely aware that this is life on earth.  EARTH.  Not heaven.  And its not meant to be perfect.  Its not even promised to be good.  But I am forever grateful and thankful that I know the One who IS perfect, and completely ALL GOOD.  

What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Restoration.

This is a tough one... one-worders are always tough.  But I hope that in 2011, much that has been lost will be restored.  Not much else to say on that one.  :)