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Thank-You

For all that You've done, I will thank You 
Especially the time you gave us with Whitney, and all the lessons we've learned from her 

For all that You're going to do
Like the plans you have for the life of our future little one
For all that You've promised and all that You are
Is all that has carried me through
knowing your goodnesss, love and mercy are never-changing
Jesus, I thank You 

and I thank You
for the friends and family who have stood by our side this past year
thank You Lord
for meeting our every need in our moments of loss
and I thank You
for being the same throughout all our circumstances
thank You Lord
for your sovereignty

Thank You for loving and setting me free
From worrying about our future... it is all in your hands.
Thank You for giving Your life just for me
so we can have the HOPE and PROMISE of Heaven, and holding our little girl again.
How I thank You
for accepting me just as I am, when other people didn't
Jesus, I thank You
that this journey is not over
I gratefully thank You
for the abundant joy that surpasses pain
And I thank You
for the hopes of Heaven!

 

Lotsa Thoughts

I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that I found myself playing Plants vs. Zombies today for 3 straight hours.  It was mind-numbingly wonderful.  But even now, as I'm winding down the day, watching my DVR'd "Oprah's Favorite Things" episode, all the thoughts, anxieties, worries, anticipations, de-ja-vu's, and grief are creeping in.

A few months ago, I wasn't even thinking about the impact the holidays would have on my heart... It was still 95 degrees in the middle of October, so I wasn't really thinking Turkey and Santa.  But now I am, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all.

I have a dozen different streams of thought running through my head right now, each with a blog post that could write itself.... so instead of posting so many different things right now, I"ll post the titles with hopes that maybe someday I'll flesh them out:

1. De Ja Vu From Hell

2. Countdown to D-Day

3. Forgetful on Purpose

4. The Holidays and Loss

And I had about a million more, but Oprah's Fave Things is getting good and I forgot... :)  More later.

 

9 Months, Baby

A recap of my weekend is coming up... but I'm still trying to process it.  Parts of the weekend were to sacred, too precious to even articulate.  I was so incredibly blessed by this weekend.  I feel like the numbness I've been feeling for so long has been stripped away, and I can "feel" again... yes, I'm feeling a lot of sadness, loss and grief but I am also once again feeling the gratitude, the love, God's compassion, His peace, and the joy that bathed my soul when Whitney was born.  Feeling isn't a bad thing... I'm realizing I can't experience the joys unless I walk through the pains.   

 

It's been 9 months since Whitney was born.  Today, it seems like forever ago.  It seems like another life... like a dream. Its hard to believe that we've now been without her longer than we were with her.  Its hard to believe that in another three months it will have been a whole year.  I am forever grateful that God chose me to be Whitney's mommy.  And I am so thankful for the strength and grace he gave us to make it through the difficult decisions we had to make when we found out she was sick.  I would do it all again if I had to. 

 

A Mother's Love

I didn't have to look into your eyes

to fall in love with you.

I didn't have to hear you cry

to know you loved me too.

I didn't need to hold your hand

to cherish you for always.

Within my womb, we shared our hearts,

you touched my soul.

You sweetened my spirit.

You gave me memories I will always hold clear.

Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.

But a mother's love does not end with death.

For you are my child,

Forever my love is yours...

~Author Unknown

String Of Pearls Retreat

I am so excited about this weekend... after a very short sleep tonight, I'll be waking up and heading to the airport.  Destination: Colorado!  I will be leaving behind this ridiculous 85 degree November California weather and heading to the beautiful snowy peaks of the Colorado Mountains!

When I was pregnant with Whitney, I found an organization called String of Pearls.  You may remember the LOVE PACKAGE I received from String of Pearl's founder, Laura... I wrote a post about it HERE.  The package was full of all kinds of things that I would have never thought of in dealing with Whitney's birth/death and I was so blessed by it.  Laura was such a source of strength and encouragement to me while I was still carrying Whitney.  She also gave me one of the greatest gifts I received throughout the whole process... she connected me with a woman named Christina, who also lost her daughter to triploidy.  Laura exchanged email addresses betweent Christina and me, and the rest is history.  We were kindred spirits, and Christina is still such an incredible friend and blessing in my life.  I love that our girls are together in Heaven.

Many months ago, Laura contacted me and asked if I'd be interested in being part of a retreat for a few women she's met through String of Pearls.  And the best part???  She was inviting Christina, toO!!!  So tomorrow I am off to a beautiful land to spend a quick but intense weekend with some very beautiful women... none of whom I've actually met in person yet!  We are going to get to share about our angels with each other... I cannot wait to look at Savannah's (Christina's daughter) pictures and to share Whitney's pictures with Christina and the rest of the ladies.  

If you think of us this weekend, would you pray for us?  Pray for our safety as we are all flying in from different parts of the country, and safety as we make the trek up the windy, snowy mountains to God's country.  :)  Pray for the health of all of us... that we'll all feel great and not be sick at all.  I know Christina was sick earlier this week, so extra prayers that she will feel better this weekend!  Pray for us as we heal through our pain.  Its been a while since I've spent a good deal of time just focusing on Whitney... I am looking forward to it, but of course it is always bittersweet.  And finally, pray for Laura... she is such a blessing to so many and I know she has worked super hard in getting all the details of this weekend in place. 

I cannot wait to come back and tell you all about it!!  (Pictures promised!)

Check out the String of Pearls website!

A Little Rain, A Lot of Shine...

 

 

 

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life. 
John Updike 

 

 

There are some seasons in life that can best be described as "stormy"... you know, a season where all you can see are the dark, looming thunderclouds overhead, with little to no promise of sun in the coming days.  Seasons where the forecast is cloudy with an 100% chance of rain for weeks on end.  Losing Whitney was defintely a stormy season in our life.  I am thankful for the strong roots that Sean and I have cultivated and grown in the previous 5 1/2 years of being married, as they truly allowed us to sway with the storms, while remaining rooted in our Faith and in each other.  

Then there are other times in life when just a little rain comes your way.  Sometimes its a day of sprinkles with cloudy, grey skies.  Other times, its a few weeks on end where things seem overcast.  They're certainly not tragically dark days, and you know the sun will soon be out again, but nevertheless, its the proverbial rain on your parade.  

We're in one of those "scattered showers here and there" seasons right now.  Sean was laid off last week, along with several other co-workers due to lack of finances.  Its a sign of the times, and certainly something that many others are experiencing, too.  So while its kinda crummy to be without a certain job at the moment, we're super excited about all the possibilities that the coming days of sunshine hold.  

My dad spent some of his growing up years in South America, and I remember him telling us they only had two seasons there: "Dry Season" and "Rainy Season."  In fact, he said that when it would start raining, the kids would run out of school to play in the rain!  That's always been my take on a rainy day... they make me feel all warm and snuggly... I want to stay close at home and draw closer to the ones I love around me.  I think that's what these little 'days of sprinkles' are encouraging me to do-- love my husband even more, and be so thankful for all the amazing blessings we truly have.  Yes, all the details are up in the air, we'll be changing A LOT of things in the coming weeks, but the overwhelming word that keeps coming to mind is PEACE.  Thunderstorms and rain calm me down, they center me and bring me peace.  I love falling asleep to the sound of rain on my windows.  And much like my dad would run and play in the rain, we are choosing to rest in the peace of knowing that this, too shall pass.  The rain won't last forever.  And when the clouds make way for the sun to shine through, all will be clear.  And we'll still be exactly where God wants us to be... no matter what.  There is no greater peace than that.  Of course we have some "grown up" decisions to make in the mean time, but hey-- we're almost 30... I figure its about time for that, right?  *wink*

So now for the shine.... oh, and friends, there's a whole lotta shine....  

 I love this picture to the left.  (I didn't take it, but have seen the scene many times.  Photo credits on pic.)  Years ago, I had a youth sponsor whom I adored.  I baby sat for her three boys (who are now in college, married and having babies!) and she was also a D-Group leader for me and some friends.  She told me the story about how one day, she was driving along and saw the sun streaming through the clouds, much like in this picture.  One of her sons asked her what that was, and she answered him with the first thing that came to her mind.  She told him, "That's just God showing us His glory."  To this day, some 20+ years later, I still remember her saying that, and think about it every. single. time. I see a sky like this.  And isn't that just so true?  Yes, I know scientifically, its just clouds covering the sun and dispersing the rays of light in different directions... but really, at the heart of it, its God showing us His glory.

The same thing is true with rainbows.  And the meaning even goes deeper there... a rainbow is literally a promise of Biblical proportions!  A promise that the Lord will never destroy the earth by flood again.  I am just so in love with the visual images that God blesses us with, and chooses to use to show Himself to us!

For those of us who have had storms in life that involved losing a child, we long for the days when we will see the sun again.  And sometimes those days of sun overlap a few drops of rain, creating a rainbow.  There's a term in the "baby loss" community for a pregnancy that happens after a loss... that baby is called a rainbow baby.  Because as Dolly Parton said, you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.  So with much joy, caution, anxiousness, love and excitement, Sean and I are expecting our rainbow baby.  I am about 11 or 12 weeks along (my ultrasounds have been a few days off, so somewhere in between there), due the first week of May.  I've known for about 6
weeks, and have tried to keep it quiet for fear of what might happen.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that regardless of what happens, this baby is still my baby.  And I want the world to know that he or she exists!  So... I guess that's why I'm letting the cat out of the bag on this one (when I told myself I'd wait until much later to tell the world).  Of course we are scared, but I am trying to focus on the same truths I did with Whitney... God is forming this little one... perfectly, according to his plan, so that s/he can do great works for Him!  His eyes can see his/her unformed body, and all the days of his/her life have already been written before one of them has ever come to pass.  When I realize that, how can I worry?  There is no fear in love, and I know that the Lord loves all His children.  He has compassion on ALL he has made... including this little one he is still knitting together.

Don't worry.... this blog isn't going to become a baby blog.  Because I know all too well that though some of you may really want to be happy for us, the pain of your loss is still too fresh.  I know that.  I get it.  I'm not upset.  So I just want you to know that this will still be a safe place; no posts on pregnancy updates every week.  I promise.  I am going to start writing to my rainbow and may share that, but I also may keep it private.   I haven't decided yet.  If I choose to share, I'll let you know.  

Whew... that was a long one.  1300+ words.  I haven't written that much since Ozark!  (OK, not true.)  While there may be a few uncertainties right now (Where will our baby be born?  Will s/he be ok?  Where will we live?  How will we move our cats across the country???  When/where will we find new jobs?), they are nothing more than a few welcomed sprinkles.  We are choosing to dance in this rain, and keep our eyes focused on the Son, the bringer of peace and new life.  We'd love your prayers, and would love to pray for you too, as I know we're not the only ones experiencing some clouds right now.  Love you all.  

Oh... and just for fun (and because I LOVE the ladies I work with, especially Kelli who gave me an ultrasound today) I thought I'd share some video with you.  :)

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Lyman Frank Baum

Rainbow Necklace HERE

 

From Katie P

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day.  My friend Katie (Carli's mom) took some name pictures for a group of us baby loss moms.  Thank you so much Katie for taking the time to do this for all of us!!  We are remembering WHitney today, along with all the other babies who were gone far too soon.

Katie has included all of the names she did on her blog.  You can chck out more beautiful pictures that each represent a precious life by going to her blog here:

Katie's Blog