Writing

Reverb '10- Day Two

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? 

This one is easy... media multitasking.  Usually when I am writing on this blog or anything else, I have a million other things going too... TV, Radio, phone calls... whatever.  I could blame this on being a product of the MTV Generation, but I'm not really one to pass blame onto ambiguous pop culture labels.  

I think its largely due in part to laziness and a lack of discipline.  I enjoy unwinding with "noise" around me (strange, I know) and would rather sit on my couch than at the kitchen table.  I dream of the day when I have a beautiful 'writing room'... I know there is so much more in my head that I want to write about... much of it in relation to what I have learned this year (and am continuing to learn) with Whitney.  

Ian Fleming (author of the infamous James Bond series) retreated to Goldeneye, his private estate in Oracabessa, Jamaica to pen all 13 of Bond books.  Just look at this place... I mean, who couldn't write a New York Times bestseller in a place like this??

That's great for people who have a jet-setting lifestyle and billion-dollar bduget.  But my creative jucies require something a little more elegant and down to earth.  In my dream world, my writing room would look something like Shaunna's Ethereal writing room.  Just check out this heavenly writer's space:

I could definitely craft some words to coincide with my feelings on that beautiful homemade daybed! She even has a beautiful Writing Bath to go along with this space...

Well, you simply must go check out her amazing space. Maybe some day I'll have a writing room to.. you know, write in.  And my stereo will only be allowed to play Yiruma, Lizst, Beethoven and other composers like that.  :)

One Word.

Reverb '10- Day One

After seeing this on my friend, Kristina's blog, I've decided to participate in Reverb 2010... its sort of a writing exercise to recap this past year.  And since this has bee quite the eventful year, I figured it would be a good thing to do.  

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Loss.

If I could sum up 2010 in one, honest word, it would be loss.  I've experienced more loss than year than my previous 28 years combined.  Most notably, we lost our baby.  Though I could go on and on about how I know we haven't really "lost" her... I know where she is and will see her again.  But we've lost the dreams we had for her here on this earth... we've lost milestones, birthday cakes, first days of school, dances, graduations and a million other would-be 'firsts.'  

Less importantly, we've lost our job (well, Sean's job but our main source of income and reason for the major relocation we made three years ago).  And as a result of that, we will lost our house.  And I will most likely have to lose(leave) my job, as well.  In comparison to the death of our daughter, losing a house or a job is truly the least of my cares.  It is time for us to move on, and we have no desire to stay on a sinking ship any longer than is necessary.  When life throws you a lifeboat, get off the Titanic, right?  So these losses are really just changes... and, if you want to get all "Dr. Phil" that's what my real 'issue' is.

So in all of those things, the true loss this year has been a loss of security and my previously held belief that life is inherently good.  Not that I've become a Debby Downer or Negative Nancy, I guess I've just been shaken out of my 'la-la-land' existence in which I so ignorantly blissfully lived in for nearly three decades and into the reality that most people are awaken to much too early.  So I'm not down on life, and I know that there are good people in the world, and that good things do happen, but I am also so much more acutely aware that this is life on earth.  EARTH.  Not heaven.  And its not meant to be perfect.  Its not even promised to be good.  But I am forever grateful and thankful that I know the One who IS perfect, and completely ALL GOOD.  

What would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Restoration.

This is a tough one... one-worders are always tough.  But I hope that in 2011, much that has been lost will be restored.  Not much else to say on that one.  :)

Email Me

We'd love to hear from you.

You can email us at:

sheyennew@gmail.com

Thank-You

For all that You've done, I will thank You 
Especially the time you gave us with Whitney, and all the lessons we've learned from her 

For all that You're going to do
Like the plans you have for the life of our future little one
For all that You've promised and all that You are
Is all that has carried me through
knowing your goodnesss, love and mercy are never-changing
Jesus, I thank You 

and I thank You
for the friends and family who have stood by our side this past year
thank You Lord
for meeting our every need in our moments of loss
and I thank You
for being the same throughout all our circumstances
thank You Lord
for your sovereignty

Thank You for loving and setting me free
From worrying about our future... it is all in your hands.
Thank You for giving Your life just for me
so we can have the HOPE and PROMISE of Heaven, and holding our little girl again.
How I thank You
for accepting me just as I am, when other people didn't
Jesus, I thank You
that this journey is not over
I gratefully thank You
for the abundant joy that surpasses pain
And I thank You
for the hopes of Heaven!

 

Lotsa Thoughts

I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that I found myself playing Plants vs. Zombies today for 3 straight hours.  It was mind-numbingly wonderful.  But even now, as I'm winding down the day, watching my DVR'd "Oprah's Favorite Things" episode, all the thoughts, anxieties, worries, anticipations, de-ja-vu's, and grief are creeping in.

A few months ago, I wasn't even thinking about the impact the holidays would have on my heart... It was still 95 degrees in the middle of October, so I wasn't really thinking Turkey and Santa.  But now I am, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all.

I have a dozen different streams of thought running through my head right now, each with a blog post that could write itself.... so instead of posting so many different things right now, I"ll post the titles with hopes that maybe someday I'll flesh them out:

1. De Ja Vu From Hell

2. Countdown to D-Day

3. Forgetful on Purpose

4. The Holidays and Loss

And I had about a million more, but Oprah's Fave Things is getting good and I forgot... :)  More later.

 

9 Months, Baby

A recap of my weekend is coming up... but I'm still trying to process it.  Parts of the weekend were to sacred, too precious to even articulate.  I was so incredibly blessed by this weekend.  I feel like the numbness I've been feeling for so long has been stripped away, and I can "feel" again... yes, I'm feeling a lot of sadness, loss and grief but I am also once again feeling the gratitude, the love, God's compassion, His peace, and the joy that bathed my soul when Whitney was born.  Feeling isn't a bad thing... I'm realizing I can't experience the joys unless I walk through the pains.   

 

It's been 9 months since Whitney was born.  Today, it seems like forever ago.  It seems like another life... like a dream. Its hard to believe that we've now been without her longer than we were with her.  Its hard to believe that in another three months it will have been a whole year.  I am forever grateful that God chose me to be Whitney's mommy.  And I am so thankful for the strength and grace he gave us to make it through the difficult decisions we had to make when we found out she was sick.  I would do it all again if I had to. 

 

A Mother's Love

I didn't have to look into your eyes

to fall in love with you.

I didn't have to hear you cry

to know you loved me too.

I didn't need to hold your hand

to cherish you for always.

Within my womb, we shared our hearts,

you touched my soul.

You sweetened my spirit.

You gave me memories I will always hold clear.

Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.

But a mother's love does not end with death.

For you are my child,

Forever my love is yours...

~Author Unknown

String Of Pearls Retreat

I am so excited about this weekend... after a very short sleep tonight, I'll be waking up and heading to the airport.  Destination: Colorado!  I will be leaving behind this ridiculous 85 degree November California weather and heading to the beautiful snowy peaks of the Colorado Mountains!

When I was pregnant with Whitney, I found an organization called String of Pearls.  You may remember the LOVE PACKAGE I received from String of Pearl's founder, Laura... I wrote a post about it HERE.  The package was full of all kinds of things that I would have never thought of in dealing with Whitney's birth/death and I was so blessed by it.  Laura was such a source of strength and encouragement to me while I was still carrying Whitney.  She also gave me one of the greatest gifts I received throughout the whole process... she connected me with a woman named Christina, who also lost her daughter to triploidy.  Laura exchanged email addresses betweent Christina and me, and the rest is history.  We were kindred spirits, and Christina is still such an incredible friend and blessing in my life.  I love that our girls are together in Heaven.

Many months ago, Laura contacted me and asked if I'd be interested in being part of a retreat for a few women she's met through String of Pearls.  And the best part???  She was inviting Christina, toO!!!  So tomorrow I am off to a beautiful land to spend a quick but intense weekend with some very beautiful women... none of whom I've actually met in person yet!  We are going to get to share about our angels with each other... I cannot wait to look at Savannah's (Christina's daughter) pictures and to share Whitney's pictures with Christina and the rest of the ladies.  

If you think of us this weekend, would you pray for us?  Pray for our safety as we are all flying in from different parts of the country, and safety as we make the trek up the windy, snowy mountains to God's country.  :)  Pray for the health of all of us... that we'll all feel great and not be sick at all.  I know Christina was sick earlier this week, so extra prayers that she will feel better this weekend!  Pray for us as we heal through our pain.  Its been a while since I've spent a good deal of time just focusing on Whitney... I am looking forward to it, but of course it is always bittersweet.  And finally, pray for Laura... she is such a blessing to so many and I know she has worked super hard in getting all the details of this weekend in place. 

I cannot wait to come back and tell you all about it!!  (Pictures promised!)

Check out the String of Pearls website!