Christmas Cookies from Caitlin

My friend, Caitlin sent me this adorable picture for Whitney's name gallery.  I love it!   She is so crafty and so thoughtful.  Thank-you for all the love and support you continue to show us!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

Meant To Be

To all the families that are missing their babies this Christmas, I just heard this the other day on the radio and HAD to look it up online... its by Steven Curtis Chapman...I can't find it online yet, but I have the music video of it.

Steven Curtis Chapman - "Meant to Be" Music Video

He wrote it for the Veggie Tales movie, "Its a Meaningful Life"... I haven't seen that one yet... have any of you? I think it was supposed to come out in October this year.

This made me think of all our babies... every single one of them, meant to be. And it reminds me that each one of us mommies was specifically chosen to carry our babies and tell their stories for them.

Meant to Be
By Steven Curtis Chapman

Long Before You Drew Your First Breath
A Dream Was Coming True
God Wanted to Give A Gift To The World
So He Wrapped It Up In You

Every Step That You’ve Taken
Every Move That You Make
Is Part Of His Plan

You Were Meant To Be Touching
The Lives That You Touch
And Meant To Be Here
Making This World So Much More
Than It Would Be Without You In It

You Were Meant To Be Bringing
The Gifts That You Bring
And Singing The Songs
You’ve Been Given To Sing

You Are Perfectly, Wonderfully,
Beautifully Meant To Be
You Were Meant To Be

Long Before You Took Your First Fall
You stumbled to the ground
God started telling the story of you to the angles around
Every failure and victory
Everything inbetween
Its all in his hand

You Were Meant To Be Touching
The Lives That You Touch
And Meant To Be Here
Making This World So Much More
Than It Would Be Without You In It

You Were Meant To Be Bringing
The Gifts That You Bring
And Singing The Songs
You’ve Been Given To Sing

From Andrea S

My friend from college, Andrea, sent me these pictures... she took them while at the National Youth Workers Convention in Nashville, TN.  Thanks so much for thinking about us, Andrea!

 
 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

IT'S A....

HEALTHY BABY!!

(You didn't think I'd tell you the gender yet, did you?  hehe)

Last night, neither Sean nor I slept very well.  Maybe it was the homemade lumpia we ate at 9 o'clock, or maybe it was anticipations of Monday morning.  But as I was lying awake, tyring to take captive every anxious thought, Romans 15:13 came to my mind once again.  

I've written about the significance of this verse in my life probably a dozen times.  And here it was again.  The same prayer that my daddy prayed over me when I was 16 remains a fervent prayer of my heart today:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Oh, that was what I needed last night... hope.  Hope that our baby would be healthy.  I need joy... as much joy in this pregnancy as I had with Whitney.  I've been guarding myself too much to feel that.  And peace... peace that passes understanding.  Peace that says even though everything in my past tells me to worry, I don't need to.  Yes, I love that verse.

So on to the ultrasound... I love my doctor.  As soon as the nurse took us into the room, he was right there behind her, ready to do the ultrasound.  Before he started anything, he took both mine and Sean's hands and prayed over us.  That was the only point I cried a little all morning!

He talked me through each step, making me feel more comfortable, and when he put the gel on my tummy, he drew a big smiley-faced baby... it made me laugh.  He checked all the major organs, the spine, the face, the brain, the heart... everything.  He said the amniotic fluid was sufficient (which if you remember, Whitney had virtually none).  There were no bright spots on the heart and it had all four chambers, pumping away.

The only cause for a little concern was that baby is measuring a little bit small.  Just a few days behind where my original ultrasound dated me and still well within the margin of error.  But my doctor was not the least bit worried... he said that early ultrasounds are the most accurate, as babies begin to develop at different rates the further along in the pregnancy you are.  So, I am going to trust my doctor and not freak out that the baby is a little on the small side.  He said its most likely genetics... I'm pretty tiny myself.  I asked if we would need to check the development a little later, and he said no... it really wasn't that big of a deal.  So.... I"m trying to adapt that attitude, too... nothing to worry about.

One thing that was interesting is the baby has really long legs!  The legs measured a week or more longer than everything else!  Again Dr. G said this is a good thing, because most chromosomal abnormalities result in shortened limbs.  (I keep repeating to myself "I will not Google 'problems with long limbs', I will not Google 'problems with long limbs.'  Google is the devil!)  The baby wasn't very active, but I could tell that his/her muscle tone was much better than Whitney's was.... Whitney's arms and legs were very tiny.  From what I could see on this little one's legs, there looked to be a bit more muscle on them.  So again, I'm trying not to worry that the baby wasn't moving very much... beacuse just a few minutes ago he/she was moving around and I could definitely feel it!  Maybe baby just isn't a morning person (much like mamma).

So now... we wait until Christmas to find out what we're having.  Dr. G didn't take a picture of the "goods" but he did write down the gender and we will open it on Christmas!  I'll be sure to update when we know!

There are things that I could obsess over and find to worry about, but I am going to try my hardest to just put my trust in the One who is creating this little miracle, and trust in the Doctor whom the Lord has brought into our lives to care for us at this time.  I am going to be so sad if we have to move before he delivers us, but then again, that would be a good thing because it would mean we have a new ministry!  So here's my biggest prayers from here on out:

* That baby will grow at a healthy rate, and stay on target for growth

* That Sean and I will stay vigilant to take captive every thought of doubt and fear Satan places in our heads

* A healthy pregnancy

* That we will find a ministry soon, so we can get established with another doctor before we get too close to delivery 

Thanks so much for your prayers and all the love and support we've felt this past weekend!  I really appreciated all your notes and messages and prayers.... WE FELT THEM!  

One more thing I just have to add... I know that our God is the same God today that he was a year ago when we got Whitney's diagnosis.  His love and mercy and goodness never changes.  And I am so thankful that he is the same in the hard times as he is in the good times.  

Christmas Perspective

So much in life is all about perspective, isn’t it?  If you’ve got a good perspective on life, and keep what really matters in the forefront, chances are you’ll do just fine.

 

God never ceases to amaze me in his creation of people, his children.  The more people I meet, the more places I go, the more I am in awe of God’s endless creativity.  
 

In any given situation, we all bring our own perspectives to the table.  And Christmastime is no different.  As women, we may uniquely identify with Mary.  As men, our husbands may find some common ground with Joseph.  But beyond just our genders, our lifestories play an exceptional and undeniable role in our perspective on the Savior’s birth.  

 

I just read an article this morning by an author who focused on the gratitude and obedience of Mary, in light of the inconveniences of her impending motherhood.  The article then went on to discuss the inconveniences of motherhood... The physical discomfort in pregnancy, the pain during childbirth, the lack of sleep for the next 18 years, the death of self in the best interest of another.  

 

I completely agree with this author on all her points: Mary subjected her motherly desires to God’s will in every way.  She concerned herself more with matters of eternity than matters of the ‘here and now.’  She was an example of humility... Wholly submitting her body, heart and soul to the plan of God.
  

But its not through the inconveniences of motherhood that I connect with Mary.  You see, I would give anything I could to have those inconveniences right now.  I should have tired eyes and sore muscles from chasing a 10-month old around.  But I don’t.  When I was pregnant with Whitney, I reveled in the inconveniences of pregnancy.  Heartburn? Gas?  Sleeplessness?  Mood swings?  I loved it all.  Every discomfort was a reminder she was still with me.  I cherished the pain of childbirth; when it was gone, I longed for its return... For there to be two of us in my body, not just me.  I pray that I will soon experience the inconveniences of motherhood... And when they do come, God-willing, I will pray for the strength to thank God for the sleepless nights, the unmatched exhaustion and everything else that I have missed out on this year. 
 

  Another perspective on Mary’s condition is of course the fact that she was an unwed mother, experiencing a very unplanned pregnancy.  I’ve worked with women experiencing unplanned pregnancies since college.  Its a very intimate place to be... In a room with a woman who is receiving confirmation that her life is going to change so drastically.  I’ve heard the desperation in their voices, seen the despair in their faces, and felt the devastation in their hearts.  I can only barely imagine the feelings that Mary had in those early months when she began to realize that what the angel had told her was really coming true... As she began to feel nauseous and tired, surely she wondered, how would her family respond?  What would her husband-to-be say?  Would she be stoned?  Left alone?  Outcast forever?  

As I’ve sat in counseling rooms with numerous woman who have just received the news that they are pregnant, I’ve seen a lot of different reactions.  They have a lot of questions, many that Mary may have thought... How can this be?  (Well, this is a given seeing as how they’ve made choices that led them to become pregnant and Mary did not... But nevertheless, it is a question I hear often.)  What will my family say?  Will my friends desert me?  What about the father of the baby... He’s going to leave me!  Often, they learn to accept this turn of events in their life, but sometimes they do not.  

 

From the accounts in Scripture, Mary’s only question was, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?”  (A pretty sensical question, in my opinion!)  When the angel explained to her, she simply responded with “I am the Lord’s servant.”  Let it be.  Again, from this perspective we see Mary’s obedience to God’s plan in her life.  We see her humility in her willingness to be the Lord’s servant, regardless of how difficult the task at hand seemed.  While I cannot connect personally with the feelings of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, I can appreciate Mary’s response and obedience.  

 

But there is another perspective, another take on Mary’s part in this Christmas story.  And this is the one in which I most identify with the mother of our Savior.  Mary was chosen by God because of her faith.  The angel told her that she had “found favor with God.”  Little is known about Mary’s personal history up until this point, but we know that she was a direct descendant of King David, from the line of Judah.  She was connected by marriage to Elisabeth, who was from the line of Aaron.  We can easily deduce from both her lineage and the angel’s professed “favor with God” that Mary was a faithful Jewish young woman.  She likely had a good knowledge of the Scriptures (afterall, King David--- THE King David was in her family tree!), including the prophecies of a coming Savior.  When the angel told Mary, “The Lord will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s decendants forever, his kingdom will never end” (Luke 1:32-33) she knew what this meant... Her unborn son, the child whom this angel was telling her about, was going to be the Savior of the world.  The Savior she had undoubtedly heard about; the one for whom the Jews had been waiting centuries.  

 

There’s a popular Christmas song that I used to love.  Its called, “Mary Did You Know?” and asks all these questions... “Did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?  Did you know your baby boy is Lord of all Creation?  Did you know your baby boy would one day rule the nations?”  It goes on and on asking all of these questions.  Its a pretty song, but this year, its really started to annoy me... The answer to all of those questions is Yes!  She knew... She knew because the angel had told her.  She knew the heaviness of the situation and that this tiny baby she was going to birth would be the great Savior for whom generations had waited.  

 

Here’s where my perspective comes in: Mary carried a child within her, knowing he would die.  Of course, we all know that we’re going to die... But most pregnant women do not think of their child’s death before they are even born.  But I think Mary did... Afterall, that is what it meant to be the Son of the Most High sent to earth.  While I don’t think that her son’s death as Savior to all mankind is all that she thought about, I do believe that she knew it was coming.  And what mother could help not thinking about this every now and then?  

 

I can identify with the schizophrenic emotions that must have stirred within Mary... On the one had, intense joy with every kick from inside her belly.  On the other hand, unthinkable sorrow at the thought that one day, she would not be able to protect him from the pain of this world.  As mothers, our instinct is to protect our children, especially when they are so young and innocent.  As I carried Whitney, knowing that she was not going to live, I felt such incredible heartache because I could not take away her sickness.  But I had to learn to fully submit my life and her’s to the Great One who could heal her.  The One who did heal her.  

 

Again, from this perspective, the perspective of a mother who has also carried a child who was going to die too soon, we see Mary’s humility and obedience to God’s plan.  And that is where I want to identify with Mary... I pray that my actions and my heart will always be open to the plan that God has for my life and the lives of my children.

 

Christmas this year has been difficult... Its all about a baby.  And its a constant reminder that my baby is not here with me.  There’s no stocking hung on my fireplace for her.  No presents under our Christmas tree with her name on them.  No new traditions or pictures with Santa.  Some days, its really hard to keep things in perspective... To remember that Whitney fulfilled her time here on earth and is spending Christmas in heaven with Jesus.  

 

As we drive around at night and see Christmas lights lit up everywhere, a symbol to us as Christians of the light of the world, I can’t help but imagine how magnificent spending Christmas with the true Light of the World must really be.  

 
What is your perspective on Christmas? 

 

Countdown to the BIG One

Whitney

On Monday, we have our "BIG" ultrasound at my dr.'s office.  Most people who are living in a blissful "what could possibly go wrong with my pregnancy" state call it the "gender ultrasound."  I remember the biggest thing I was worried about before this ultrasound with Whitney was that she'd have her legs crossed and we wouldn't be able to find out the sex that day.  Like, I very vividly remember being stressed about that!  It all seems so silly now.  It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot of my OB's office that the real panic started to set in... and I begged Sean never to leave me, no matter what the ultrasound showed.  He thought I was crazy, but my mother's intuition was right.  It was at this 20-week ultrasound when we found out so very much was wrong with our baby.

Whitney

So here I am again.  Less than a year after Whitney was born.  And I'm in the same position.  Similar fears are rising up, only this time, they're amplified.  Like, times a million.  I've given up the notion of regaining my "pregnancy innocence."  Done away with the dream of a worry-free pregnancy.  And this time around, I know so much more than I did on that November day in 2009 when my world flipped upside down.  

My mom used to always tell me that life is not fair.  I think we all know that to some degree, but we cling to the underlying sense that there is some form of justice in this world.  But this year, I've learned that's not true.  Sometimes, things really are simply unfair.  Unjust.  Not right.  And there is no one to blame.  I know now that there are so many terrible things that can go wrong in the fragile knitting of a tiny human being.  So much more than I could have ever imagined.

Baby Wilson #2 @ 13 weeks

 

Now here I am, 4 days away from this potentially life-changing ultrasound (again).  Every scenario is running though my mind...

... what if we go in and there's no heart beat?

... what if the doctor finds something horribly wrong (again)? (my list on this one is specific, but too terrible to write or fathom)

... what if the doctor finds something wrong, but we dont' quite know what it is?  And then we have to wait and wait and wait again for answers? (again)

... what if the doctor finds nothing wrong, and I continue to obsess and worry that the u/s wasn't thorough enough?

... what if everything looks perfect with the baby, but something unforeseen happens in the end (again)?

 

I guess it feels good to write this all out.  I know that I need to trust my doctor and his quarter-century of experience in delivering healthy babies.  I need to trust that the Lord who was good enough to bring us through our pain with Whitney is good enough (and big enough) to bring us through this, too.  

My mom told me about a Bible study she was a part of (I think it was Beth Moore's Esther) when Whitney was born.  One of the things that stuck out to my mom was to ask the question "What's the worst that could happen?" and then follow that up with "Then what?"  The point was, in the end, when we get down to the very dakest of our worst fears, even if they do come true, we wind up on our knees before the Father and somehow manage to move on.  

I know if the worst of my fears were to come true (which would be to find something wrong and have to endure weeks or months of waiting to find out what it is-- that's the worst... not knowing), we'd still be ok.  God would still be good, and we would still be His.  We've done this all before, and I guess we could do it again, but it would suck.  A lot. 

I have a 'feeling' that this is all going to be ok, nothing like last time... but there are moments when so much fear just creeps in, its paralyzing.  Ok... so all that to say... can you pray for us?  I have one more (very LONG) work day tomorrow, then the weekend...then my appointment is first thing Monday morning at 8 am.  Here are some specific things you can pray for:

* Peace in the days leading up to our ultrasound

* A healthy baby!!!!

* Wisdom for our dr. performing the ultrasound

* Thoroughness in the ultrasound (checking every organ and date)... and that I would trust the doctor's skill 

* That the ultrasound equipment will be advanced enough to calm my fears

* That there will be no ambiguity in the findings... the waiting is the worst

* For hope to rise within us, that this will finally be a "take home" baby

* Health for all of us (Sean is sick right now)

* Again, peace that passes understanding

Oh! And as for the gender findings... we are hoping to wait until Christmas to find out if its a boy or girl.  We're praying that all goes smoothly with the ultrasound and that we will joyfully ask the dr. to put the "money shot" picture in a card and open it on Christmas day.  So.... I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for the prayers.  

 

Holiday Blues

I've got 'em.  

They suck.

The end.

(cue Eeyore rain cloud, please)