Searching for Triploidy

After dusting off the interwebs of this blog yesterday, I was looking at the traffic feed for it.  You know, that little thing that tells you where the blog visitors are coming from, and what brought them to the site.  I think the number one way that new people come to my blog is by searching for triploidy. Just today, in the past 16 hours (which is as far back as I could figure out how to go), 9 people have landed on our page about Triploidy and it makes my heart hurt.  I am glad that they've found our website, and hopefully they take a little time to read about our experiences with Triploidy.  But it makes me sad because each of those site visits represents an individual who has somehow heard the word "triploidy" in reference to a tiny little life they are just coming to know and love.

These visitors have been from all over the place... Ohio, Minnesota, Massachusetts, the UK, and Germany.  But the thing that connects us all is that we're all searching for triploidy... what causes triploidy?  Is there a cure for triploidy?  What is the survival rate of triploidy?  Unfortunately, none of the answers are encouraging.  But I hope that when someone searches for triploidy in Google or Yahoo or wherever, they find our story.  And they are able to see the joy that we have from continuing to carry the pregnancy our daughter who had triploidy.  Sure, the ultimate outcome of Whitney's life was still the same-- she passed away.  But the blessings and hope and joys that we experienced along the journey are so great.

I guess this is just a little interlude to say to those who've found us by searching for triploidy, I get it.  And I'm sorry.  You're probably in a whirlwind of emotions, doctor visits, advice and fear.  I'd love to talk to you if you want... you can email me or leave a message here, as I do check it regularly.  Just know that you don't have to walk this road alone.  There are even some unexpected blessings to behold that may be waiting along this difficult road for you. And please know one more thing... when I see that you've visited my site, I pray for you.  For your family.  For your friends.  Your doctors and specialists.  And I pray for your little one.  I pray for a miracle for you.  And I pray that as you enter this difficult season of life, you will know the grace and love and peace of God more than you have ever known it before.

Psalm 145:8-9 

⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.  ⁹ The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.

The Afters

Our life has been a crazy whirlwind lately.  Sean started a new ministry at an awesome church in Middle America so in just the past month, we moved to a small town, became a one-income household, moved back to a "shared" living situation (duplex) and are continuing to fall more and more in love with Gia every day.  Before we even officially accepted the position at our new church here, it just felt like "home."  We were in California more than 3 years, and in many ways, our new place feels more like home than Fresno ever did.  Our church is warm, inviting, exciting, renewing and most of all, God-fearing & Bible-teaching.  We feel so blessed beyond our dreams. 

But one thing that kept nagging at me before we even moved was that no one in our new home- wherever it was going to be- would know about Whitney.  They hadn't walked with us through my pregnancy and our diagnosis.  They weren't a part of WHitney's memorial service.  No one in our new home would know the "Sean & Shey" before Whitney... they are just getting the Afters.  Not that the Afters version of us is bad... its just different.  We're probably a bit more protective of our Rainbow baby Gia than other new moms & dads might be.  We're probably a bit more sensitive when we hear of friends who miscarry or lose a child.  We definitely get sad at odd times (Christmas, Baby Dedication Sunday, Father's Day Mother's Day, February 11, April 16, etc).  And we certainly have a stronger sense of family and the shortness of the life than we did before.  We are an After version of the couple we were before losing Whitney, but by the grace of God, the Afters are stronger, and more in love with Christ and each other than we were before. 

We've been faced dozens of times with the question of "Is this your first?"  Not wanting to run off every member of our new church family with the story of the past 18 months of our lives, we've chosen to just smile and say "yes" for the most part, trusting that in due time we will be able to share the miracle of life that Whitney is.  God has already blessed me with a friend who has experienced baby loss in her family, and I've been able to talk a lot about Whit with her on several occasions.  I am looking forward to seeing how God is going to use WHitney's life and story in our new location.  I have several ideas for things I'd like to do, and am just praying about what God would have us do.  

I am so thankful for where God has us right now.  I am so thankful for our beautiful girl, Gianna.  She continues to grow day by day.  I've missed Whitney an awful lot lately... thinking of all the things she would be doing, they ways she'd be growing and what she would look like.  Simultaneously, I am delighting in Gia's milestones (rolling over!), reveling in her laughter and covering her with all the love and kisses that any 24 hours time period can possibly hold.  My heart is full.  After Whitney passed away, I wondered if I would always feel that hole in my heart for her.  While I still certainly feel her loss and miss her every day, the Healer of my heart has filled that hole with hope and joy and promise that we will be together again some day.  My heart is so full!

Here's a little family portrait to finish things off!  (This is the only "family" picture we've taken since Gia was born!  Shame on us, I know...)

Ok, for real though:

Whitney & Gia... Sisters

We are keeping really busy these days with our new bundle of joy, Gia.  She is full of personality, smiles and love for her momma & daddy.  We can't get enough of staring at her some days!  One thing taht we talked a lot about before Gia was born is how we are going to help her know her big sister, Whitney.  I didn't really know what it looked like before she was born, but now that Gia is here, I've found it pretty easy to incorporate Whitney into our conversation.

In the first few weeks of Gia's life, both Sean and I missed Whitney terribly.  It was almost as bad as the first few months after she died.  I think we were seeing so much of what Whitney might have been, in Gia, that it just hurt so much to know we never got to experience these newborn things with Whitney.  As times has gone on, it has gotten better, but we still miss Whitney tremendously.  She would be almost a year and a half old right now, and I just wonder what she'd be up to, what milestones she would be reaching.

Sometimes, when Gia sleeps, she looks a lot like Whitney.  In the early days with Gia (I say that like it was so long ago, but you know what I mean!), Sean and I both talked about Whitney to her a lot.  There's no doubt she'll grow up hearing all about her big sister.  One thing I am thankful that Sean and I did with Whitney is that we kind of "imagined" things that she would have liked... for instance, the song I played while in labor with her, "River Flows In You" by Yiruma is "her" song.  We got a beautiful bouquet of white lillies from our friends Jimmy & Megan when she was born, and I think she would have loved lillies.  So now, they are "her" flower.  She has "her" Bible passage (Psalm 145) and "her" restaurant. Little things like that which are unique to Whitney help us keep her memory alive and pass it on to Gia.  I play Yiruma for Gia sometimes and tell her about Whitney. 

So though I am beyond sad that Gia won't have a big sister here on this earth, I am thankful that she has one who is in Heaven.  And I am looking forward to the day when Gia is old enough to look through Whitney's scrapbook album with me. 

For those of you who have had babies after a loss, how do you keep the memory of that child alive with future children?

Gia wearing her "Little Sister" onesie.

 

From Robin in Jamaica!

My friend, Robin recently sent me this picture she took for Whitney's name gallery while on vacation in Negril, Jamaica.  Sounds like a great time... Sean and I have been to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and LOVED it.  It means so much to us that you guys still remember Whitney.  In no way has Gianna replaced Whitney in our hearts, nor will she ever fill that gap in our family, and we are especially grateful for our friends and family who still remember to mention Whitney to us.  Thank you for this picture, Robin!!  :)

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

Angels & Rainbows

Just wanted to give a quick update... our beautiful baby girl, our amazing Rainbow baby, is here!  Gianna Noelle was born May 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm.  We are home now and learning  to get in our new groove.  :)  Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers throughout this pregnancy.

I am amazed at how overwhelmingly I have been missing Whitney since Gianna was born.  I wish she was here to be Gia's big sis, but we've already told Gia about her big sister in Heaven.  We can't wait to tell her more.  I'll update more later!   But now for what you really want... pictures!

Anxious For Grace

The end of my pregnancy is really starting to take its toll on me.  This Rainbow Baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I am so utterly excited to meet and hold our little girl, but the fact of the matter is, she's not in my arms yet.  Something could still go wrong.

The only frame of reference that I have for any kind of labor and delivery process is what happened with Whitney.  I went into labor at almost 31 weeks, and she passed away in utero, while I was having contractions.  So now, as I sit here 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Gianna, I can't help but think about that every time my abdomen hardens.  (Don't get excited though-- I'm not in labor yet... just those annoying Braxton Hicks contractions... no painful ones.)

Every rational and irrational fear is flying through my head at a hundred miles per hour.  What if there is something wrong with Gia that we didn't know about?  What if something happens during delivery?  What if she just dies for no reason, as I've learned that babies sometimes do?  What if we havent' found a job yet because there is going to be something wrong with Gianna? Or worse- what if God isn't providing us with a job yet because we won't have a baby to provide for?  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.  I KNOW I can't live my life in the "what-ifs" but they won't stop assaulting my brain. 

I learned many years ago, when my thoughts become irrational, I need to ground myself with what I know to be true, versus what could just maybe potentially become reality.  So what I know to be true right now is that Gianna is healthy.  We have no indication that anything is wrong.  In fact, she's moving around quite a bit still-- especially for as little room as she has.  And logic tells me that this is why my tummy feel so hard and tight almost 24/7.  NOT because there is something wrong.  Just because she's growing like she should.  Reason and experience tell me that God's timing is perfect.  So Gia will be born in HIS time, and we will also find a job in HIS time.  (Though for the record, my time frame for both major life changes would have been, oh... yesterday.)

So with nothing else to do but go crazy, I was reminded of the meaning behind Gianna's name... the Lord is Gracious.  And it took me back to the verse that has been speaking to us for the past 18 months: Psalm 145.  You're probably sick of hearing about it on this blog by now.... but as I was reading, these key verses stuck out to me yet again:

¹ I will exalt you, my God the King; 
   I will praise your name for ever and ever. 
² Every day I will praise you 
   and extol your name for ever and ever.

 ³ Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; 
   his greatness no one can fathom. 

 

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate, 
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all; 
   he has compassion on all he has made. 
¹⁰ All your works praise you, LORD; 
   your faithful people extol you. 
¹¹ They tell of the glory of your kingdom 
   and speak of your might, 
¹² so that all people may know of your mighty acts 
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 

 

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises 
   and faithful in all he does.^[c] 
14 The LORD upholds all who fall 
   and lifts up all who are bowed down. 
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you, 
   and you give them their food at the proper time. 
¹⁶ You open your hand 
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways 
   and faithful in all he does. 
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him, 
   to all who call on him in truth. 
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 
   he hears their cry and saves them. 
²⁰ The LORD watches over all who love him, 
   but all the wicked he will destroy.

 ²¹ My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. 
   Let every creature praise his holy name 
   for ever and ever.

What a Psalm of Praise!  I know that God is good, and provides for those who fear him.  I know that he has compassion on all he has made.  And I know that he is near.  He is lifting me up.  So while I may be anxious for deliverance from this waiting season of our lives, I need to stop and remember to give praise to the One who is truly Gracious to all.  So if you think of us in these next couple of days/weeks, we'd really covet your prayers.  Number one, for a safe and healthy delivery of a safe and healthy baby.  And number two, for peace as we have patience in our waiting for both our baby and God's direction.  

EDITED TO ADD:

I just have to share this picture because I love the truth it depicts so much!  I took this picture in Mokkatum, Egypt when we were there last year.  (Mokkatum is where many of the Egyptian Christians live.  This is carved into the side of a huge cave church there.  Absolutely magnificent.)  Its the scene where the angel has told the visitors to Jesus' tomb that he is not here, he has rise, just as he said he would.  I love that last part-- JUST AS HE SAID.  I am so thankful that our God is a God who does what he says... and just like he rose from the dead as he proclaimed he would, the Lord will do what he says throughout all of scripture.... like what he is saying in Psalm 145 about being Good to all, Compassionate towards his creations, and upholding those who fall.  

 

 

Reason For Hope

(This is a re-post from April of last year.  Still sums up pretty much how amazing and powerful Easter is and what it means in my life... even more so since Whitney.) 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.

Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  In fact, I almost cringe at calling it a "holiday" because of the triviality that word connotes.  Christmas is great and birthdays are fun, but there is something so completely different about Easter.  One year in college, I had just started dating a guy around this time of year.  It was just a few days before Easter and I had told him that Easter was my favorite holiday.  Later that evening, he brought me a huge pastel pink, stuffed bunny.  It was sweet of him, it really was, but bunnies and eggs aren't why I love Easter so much.  (Sidenote: any of my college girls remember that?  I believe that was the same night as the "kids in the bannister, wives out the wazoo" incident.  "No, Sheyenne... tell us about the bunny!" haha!)

Easter represents the reason for my hope... the reason for my life... the reason I get up every day... and Easter is the day we jubilantly celebrate that!  Words are completely inadequate to describe the joy and anticipation that fills my heart in the weeks leading up to Easter.  At church last week, we sang a song that we are going to sing again this week.  It was so beautiful, joyful and victorious!  I cannot wait to sing it at the top of my lungs tomorrow.  Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins-- my sins-- and ultimately conquering death.  Did you hear that?  Conquering death.  I love the songs that say things like "From the grave you've risen, victoriously!" and "Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting!" and "Up from the grave he arose!"  When those lines come up in a song, I want to jump up and down, shout it out and praise my Lord!  

 

1 Peter 1:3 
 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..

 

People ask us how we are able to keep going... how are we able to keep doing what we're doing.  In a nutshell, Easter explains it all.  Sin was separating me from God.  His son, Jesus died for my sins.  He washed me clean.  In doing that, Jesus bridged that gap between me and God.  Now that's deserving of a lifelong commitment, don't you think?  And in the end, I know that I will spend eternity in Heaven with the God who sent his son to die for me.  The purpose of my life is simply to give God glory in everything I do.  God didn't cause Whitney to die.  He didn't make her sick.  For Whitney to die was never God's plan.  It wasn't his "Plan A", "B", or even "C" for that matter.  So why would I be mad at God?  And why would I ever stop singing his praises when he did give us so many blessings through Whitney?  Because of his sacrifice, his goodness and his love, I know that I will have eternity with him.  And I will also have eternity with my daughter, doing all the things I didn't get to do with her in this life.  

Easter is my favorite day of the year.  It reminds me of the day so many years ago when I, too was 'buried with Christ in baptism' and raised again as a new person.  One of those many blessigs that God gave us through Whitney actually goes back 21 years from the exact day she was born.  On February 11, 1989, my sister and I gave our lives to Christ and were baptized.  My dad acutally baptized us.  It was awesome.  On that day, my old 'self' died and Christ started in me a new life-- a life I chose to live for Him.  Though I was only 7 1/2 years old, I knew that my life was forever changed.  In the years that came after Febraury 11, 1989, I faced some hard times.  I strayed from the life God wanted me to live, but because of his goodness, I was blessed with family and friends who always brought me back to the truth.  I devoted my life to serving him, to helping others.  And in the hard times, I always went back to February 11... the day my new life began.  Every year since then, I have remembered that day as my 'new' birthday, or my 'spiritual' birthday.  Because of my decision on that day, Christ was now my Lord and Saviour, and I knew that he would not give me anything that I could not handle.

 

 February 11, 1989

Fast-forward 21 years.  February 11, 2010.  The day my daughter was born.  I do not think it was any coincidence that Whitney was born on this day-- my 21st re-birthday.  For years I've celebrated that as my re-birthday, and from now on, I will also celebrate it as my daughter's birthday.  How can anyone see this situation and not see God's incredible goodness in all of this?  Of the 365 days my daughter could be born, God allowed her to be born on the anniversary of the day I gave my life to him.  And my mom and sister were also able to be with me!  A reminder that in every situation, no matter what the circumstance, God is still with me.  And I have promised to give him all the glory in every situation.  So you see, that's why Easter is so much more than just bunnies and eggs to me.  Easter is life!  And praise!  And HOPE!

 

February 11, 2010

Romans 6:8-11 
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 28:1-10 
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."