I Wonder....

Today is Whitney's second birthday.  And as I sit here and watch my 9 month old daughter go back and forth between unfolding the laundry I just folded and chewing on blocks, I wonder what life would be like with a two year old. 

I wonder...

what words would she know?

what foods would she like?

what foods would she hate?

would she like to dance?

would she like dolls or dinosaurs?

stripes or polka dots?

would her hair be long or still slowly growing (like Gia)?

I could go on and on with a list as long as my arm of things I wonder about Whitney.  But I am so thankful for the time we did have with her while she was in my tummy, and the gift of carrying her for 31 weeks.  Because we chose to carry her, there are so many things I don't have to wonder about. 

I don't have to wonder if she could have been healed on this earth... I know now that wasn't God's plan.

I don't have to wonder who she would have looked like... she looked a lot like me.

I don't have to wonder if she would have curly hair... she did.

I don't have to wonder if her second toe would be longer than her first... it was.

I don't have to wonder what it would be like to actually hold her in my arms... I held her for hours. 

I don't have to wonder if God would really make good on his promises to sustain the brokenhearted and heal gaping souls... he does and still is. 

Even though we knew Whitney would not live life on earth with us, our decision to let her live out what short time God gave us with her here made all the difference in the world.  We have no regrets in the way we honored her life. And because we have hope in Christ, we don't have to wonder if we will ever see her again.  We will. 

After Whitney was born, the doctor ordered an ultrasound to see if I had fully delivered everything, or if I would need to also have a D & C.  The ultrasound tech who came into our room said, "I'm sorry for your loss.  But it looks like you know you will see her again."  With all the confidence in the world, I said "Oh, we WILL."  I am so grateful that God loves us enough that he sent his Son to earth, to die for my sins, so that we can be in Heaven with Him for eternity.  And in doing so, death is not the end.  I am so eternally grateful for that. 

So while it feels like we're two years further away from the day we last held our baby girl, in reality, we are two years closer to holding her in Heaven.  And I'm thankful for the things I don't have to wonder about, but have confidence in knowing.