A Little Rain, A Lot of Shine...

 

 

 

Rain is grace; rain is the sky condescending to the earth; without rain, there would be no life. 
John Updike 

 

 

There are some seasons in life that can best be described as "stormy"... you know, a season where all you can see are the dark, looming thunderclouds overhead, with little to no promise of sun in the coming days.  Seasons where the forecast is cloudy with an 100% chance of rain for weeks on end.  Losing Whitney was defintely a stormy season in our life.  I am thankful for the strong roots that Sean and I have cultivated and grown in the previous 5 1/2 years of being married, as they truly allowed us to sway with the storms, while remaining rooted in our Faith and in each other.  

Then there are other times in life when just a little rain comes your way.  Sometimes its a day of sprinkles with cloudy, grey skies.  Other times, its a few weeks on end where things seem overcast.  They're certainly not tragically dark days, and you know the sun will soon be out again, but nevertheless, its the proverbial rain on your parade.  

We're in one of those "scattered showers here and there" seasons right now.  Sean was laid off last week, along with several other co-workers due to lack of finances.  Its a sign of the times, and certainly something that many others are experiencing, too.  So while its kinda crummy to be without a certain job at the moment, we're super excited about all the possibilities that the coming days of sunshine hold.  

My dad spent some of his growing up years in South America, and I remember him telling us they only had two seasons there: "Dry Season" and "Rainy Season."  In fact, he said that when it would start raining, the kids would run out of school to play in the rain!  That's always been my take on a rainy day... they make me feel all warm and snuggly... I want to stay close at home and draw closer to the ones I love around me.  I think that's what these little 'days of sprinkles' are encouraging me to do-- love my husband even more, and be so thankful for all the amazing blessings we truly have.  Yes, all the details are up in the air, we'll be changing A LOT of things in the coming weeks, but the overwhelming word that keeps coming to mind is PEACE.  Thunderstorms and rain calm me down, they center me and bring me peace.  I love falling asleep to the sound of rain on my windows.  And much like my dad would run and play in the rain, we are choosing to rest in the peace of knowing that this, too shall pass.  The rain won't last forever.  And when the clouds make way for the sun to shine through, all will be clear.  And we'll still be exactly where God wants us to be... no matter what.  There is no greater peace than that.  Of course we have some "grown up" decisions to make in the mean time, but hey-- we're almost 30... I figure its about time for that, right?  *wink*

So now for the shine.... oh, and friends, there's a whole lotta shine....  

 I love this picture to the left.  (I didn't take it, but have seen the scene many times.  Photo credits on pic.)  Years ago, I had a youth sponsor whom I adored.  I baby sat for her three boys (who are now in college, married and having babies!) and she was also a D-Group leader for me and some friends.  She told me the story about how one day, she was driving along and saw the sun streaming through the clouds, much like in this picture.  One of her sons asked her what that was, and she answered him with the first thing that came to her mind.  She told him, "That's just God showing us His glory."  To this day, some 20+ years later, I still remember her saying that, and think about it every. single. time. I see a sky like this.  And isn't that just so true?  Yes, I know scientifically, its just clouds covering the sun and dispersing the rays of light in different directions... but really, at the heart of it, its God showing us His glory.

The same thing is true with rainbows.  And the meaning even goes deeper there... a rainbow is literally a promise of Biblical proportions!  A promise that the Lord will never destroy the earth by flood again.  I am just so in love with the visual images that God blesses us with, and chooses to use to show Himself to us!

For those of us who have had storms in life that involved losing a child, we long for the days when we will see the sun again.  And sometimes those days of sun overlap a few drops of rain, creating a rainbow.  There's a term in the "baby loss" community for a pregnancy that happens after a loss... that baby is called a rainbow baby.  Because as Dolly Parton said, you can't have a rainbow without a little rain.  So with much joy, caution, anxiousness, love and excitement, Sean and I are expecting our rainbow baby.  I am about 11 or 12 weeks along (my ultrasounds have been a few days off, so somewhere in between there), due the first week of May.  I've known for about 6
weeks, and have tried to keep it quiet for fear of what might happen.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that regardless of what happens, this baby is still my baby.  And I want the world to know that he or she exists!  So... I guess that's why I'm letting the cat out of the bag on this one (when I told myself I'd wait until much later to tell the world).  Of course we are scared, but I am trying to focus on the same truths I did with Whitney... God is forming this little one... perfectly, according to his plan, so that s/he can do great works for Him!  His eyes can see his/her unformed body, and all the days of his/her life have already been written before one of them has ever come to pass.  When I realize that, how can I worry?  There is no fear in love, and I know that the Lord loves all His children.  He has compassion on ALL he has made... including this little one he is still knitting together.

Don't worry.... this blog isn't going to become a baby blog.  Because I know all too well that though some of you may really want to be happy for us, the pain of your loss is still too fresh.  I know that.  I get it.  I'm not upset.  So I just want you to know that this will still be a safe place; no posts on pregnancy updates every week.  I promise.  I am going to start writing to my rainbow and may share that, but I also may keep it private.   I haven't decided yet.  If I choose to share, I'll let you know.  

Whew... that was a long one.  1300+ words.  I haven't written that much since Ozark!  (OK, not true.)  While there may be a few uncertainties right now (Where will our baby be born?  Will s/he be ok?  Where will we live?  How will we move our cats across the country???  When/where will we find new jobs?), they are nothing more than a few welcomed sprinkles.  We are choosing to dance in this rain, and keep our eyes focused on the Son, the bringer of peace and new life.  We'd love your prayers, and would love to pray for you too, as I know we're not the only ones experiencing some clouds right now.  Love you all.  

Oh... and just for fun (and because I LOVE the ladies I work with, especially Kelli who gave me an ultrasound today) I thought I'd share some video with you.  :)

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
Lyman Frank Baum

Rainbow Necklace HERE

 

From Katie P

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day.  My friend Katie (Carli's mom) took some name pictures for a group of us baby loss moms.  Thank you so much Katie for taking the time to do this for all of us!!  We are remembering WHitney today, along with all the other babies who were gone far too soon.

Katie has included all of the names she did on her blog.  You can chck out more beautiful pictures that each represent a precious life by going to her blog here:

Katie's Blog

Walk To Remember, L.A. Recap

Last weekend, Sean and I headed down to Long Beach for the Walk To Remember, L.A.  It was such a great weekend, and the walk was a huge success!  I guess I will start at the beginning...

We headed out on Friday morning (after my wonderful husband got up and cleaned the house for me!) for L.A.  We were hoping to beat rush-hour traffic in the city, but it turns out, the worst time for the 405 is between Noon and 2 p.m..... the precise time we were passing through.  It was insance!  But Sean did a great job in some really stressful traffic situations, and I am so thankful to him for driving us all the way there!

We checked into our hotel-- the AVIA.  It was such a cute boutique hotel!  We LOVED it!  We explored the area around the hotel... there was a lot to do!  We drove around a bit and found a place to lay out on the beach.  We brought our books and enjoyed an evening in the sand.  It was wonderful!  

 

 

This was the most comfortable bed in the WORLD!

And this was an AWESOME bathroom!

The next morning, we headed to the beautiful park where the walk was held.  A sweet friend I met through an online support group, Cassie, is the founder of the walk.  She did such an incredible job with this whole thing... I was thoroughly impressed with every detail of the event!  She thought of EVERYTHING!  

One of the best parts of the day was getting to meet my "online friends" and havin them become "real life friends."  Shannon C drove up from down South for the Walk, and it was a great time to finally meet these wonderful women in person.  We've shared so much through the past year it was great to just hug them!

Cassie started the memorial service with a welcome for everyone, then it was my turn to speak.  I got to share Whitney's story with everyone there... I even made it through without crying!  Before I went up to speak, everything was making me teary.  There were a lot of cool booths with memory things to look at, and I just had to stay away from them until after I spoke.  Sean was such a great support and kept telling me that we had the whole ride home to cry, so I could hold it together for 15 minutes!  (He is really my best half.  My favorite everything.)  And for the most part, I did.  However, after watching a video of me speaking, I realized that I said "um" like, um... well, a lot!  But Cassie told me it wasn't noticable while she was watching me in person.  Regardless, I felt so blessed to have been asked to share our story!  Thank you Cassie for the opportunity!

After I spoke, Cassie and Kassi read the names of all the angel babies we were remembering that day.  There were so many of them.  There is just so much power and emotion in speaking the names of our babies.  Sweet Whitney was the last name read (alphabetical, of course!) and I just loved hearing it.  

After the names were read, we started the walk.  All along the path, the babies' names were on signs the whole way around.  We stopped to take some pictures with Whitney's beautiful sign.  Just keeping it real--we're smiling in this picture, but it still sucks to be posing with this sign instead of our baby.  But since this is just the way things are and we can't change them, I am thankful for events like this that give a "time out" to specifically stop and think about her.  

Thank-you Cassie for such a wonderful event!  You poured a ton of hard work into this and it really showed!!

We also took some name pictures for Whitney while we were on the beach the night before...

<3 you baby girl.  

From Shannon C

My friend Shannon (who was once an "online friend" but is now a "real life friend"-- LOVE it when that happens!) sent me these pictures for Whitney's name gallery.  She took them on Coronado Beach, near San Diego.  I love them-- the sun was just perfect on these!

Thank- you so much Shannon!  

PS- In my next post, I will update on the Walk To Remember, L.A. and how Shannon (and Cassie) and I became "real life" friends!  yay!

 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

 

From Leslie S

Sean and I were so incredibly blessed with our first ministry.  Sean was fresh out of college, and we accepted a youth minstry position at a small town in North Carolina.  If ever there was a church the exhibited the love and open arms of Christ, this was the church.  Our families were so far away, but this church welcomed us into their homes like we were literally just one of them.  In fact, for Christmas one year, we had 3 different dinner invitations!!  And we accepted them all!  We had our delicious fill of collards, ham biscuits (my fave), turkey, Brunswick stew and pumpkin pie.  Yum.  Anyways... all that to say, the people we served and worshipped with there were unlike any others we have ever met.  To this day, more than 3 years later, we still keep up with "our kids" from the youth group.  Most of them have graduated high school or have just started college and we still love them just as much as when we were there.  

One of "our kids" recently sent me some pictures for Whitney's name gallery.  Leslie is such an awesome young lady, and I am so impressed with how she is choosing to live her life.  I have many fond memories of us all hitting the beach at the Outer Banks!  Here are the pictures she took... they were taken on top of Stone Mountain in Georgia.  Thanks, Les!  I love them!  And we love you!!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

From Amy F

My friend from High School, Amy, recently sent me a picture for Whitney's name gallery.  

(And I guess your last name isn't "F" anymore... but I can't remember off the top of my head what it is!!! So sorry AmY!)  

She and her hubby recently went to the Tulsa State Fair.  

(And let me just interject here... the Tulsa State Fair is by far one of the greatest fairs in the world.  Like, Chicago World's Fair of 1893 epic.  Ok, maybe not quite that big.  But almost.  Its fabulous.  I've been to many fairs (what can I say, I'm a sucker for fried weird things) and Tulsa is by far one of the greatest.  Rivaled only by NC's State Fair.  Every year when October rolls around, I long to be in Tulsa.  At the fair.  Eating Oklahoma beef sandwiches.  And deep friend oreos.  Ok, moving on.)

Anyways... she saw a booth where someone was carving names into wood, so she looked for our angel's name, and sure enough!  There was a Whitney!  Thank you so much for taking the time out of the fabulous fair to look for our baby's name and sending me this picture!  I love it!!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

Walk To Remember, L.A.

I am super excited about this weekend!  On Saturday, I am going down to Long Beach, CA to be a part of the first annual Walk To Remember, L.A.  Many cities all over the country have similar walks during the month of October.  I am so excited to be a part of this one! 

My friend, Cassie, has spent a long time organizing and promoting this event, and I just know it is going to mean a whole lot to everyone who comes!  I am going to be speaking and sharing Whitney's story, as well as walking with all the other moms, dads and friends of angel babies. 

If you are in the L.A. area, we'd love to have you come out to see what its all about!  Here is a link to the website:

Walk To Remember LA

Registration begins at 8 a.m. with the memorial ceremony beginning at 9.  Hope to see you there!  And I can't wait to make some of my dearest "online friends" into "real life" friends!

It Was Thursday

Tonight, I was reading the blog of a sweet momma friend who just lost her newborn son three weeks ago.  He was born on a Monday, and she was remarking how it had been a difficult day for her.  As soon as I read that, my stomach leapt to my throat in horror, and I suddenly could not remember what day of the week Whitney was born.  I took a minute to walk through it in my head...

Monday I was terribly sick, but had to go to work despite being so ill.  It was a horrible day.  But Sean and I listened our baby's heartbeat that night.  Such a sweet, reaassuring sound.  

Tuesday, I stayed home and didn't even get out of bed.  I had never been that sick in my life.  Sean stayed in bed with me nearly all day, too.  Tuesday night, I began having contractions.  They were coming literally every 5 minutes, sometimes closer.  

Wednesday morning, I called my doctor and he wanted us to go straight to Labor & Delivery.  There, we learned Whitney was already praising Jesus in heaven.  After waiting hours to see my doctor, and consulting with him, we decided we'd meet our angel the next day.  My mom and sister flew in Wednesday night.

Thursday.  It was a Thursday.  Whitney was born at 12:58 pm on February 11, 2010.  It was a Thursday.

Friday, we went home.  I left the hospital in a wheelchair with nothing but a stuffed bunny and my water jug in my hands.  It was a quiet ride home.  So quiet.

How could I not remember that?  Shouldn't it be something that I just know off the top of my head?  I suppose its true I no longer count the weeks it has been since we last held our baby.  But I still think about how old she should be... what milestones she'd be climbing, and how long her adorable curly hair would be getting.  

There are things I'm sure I've forgotten about the details of her birth, but in the days and weeks right after she was born, I took hours to document every single minute detail of the week leading up to her birth.  I am so glad I took the time to do that!  And I am so grateful for the precious memories and moments that were created and shared on that Thursday.