This is part two in our posts about helping a friend who has lost/is losing a child. In Part One, I gave some ideas on things that you, as a friend, can do for someone you know who is carrying a baby with an adverse prenatal diagnosis. In Part Two, I will give some ideas on things you can do after your friend's baby has passed away. I think these suggestions would go for any stage of infant loss.
How To Help A Friend Who Has Lost A Baby
1. Bring Meals to them. The last thing your friend will want to have to worry about is food. Having a list of people who will bring meals to their home in the days after the birth/loss will be a tremendous help. One of the wonderful ladies at our church organzied a list of people who brought us food for two whole weeks after Whitney was born. It was so wonderful. Some easy ideas for meals would be a pot roast, lasagna, pasta, baked chicken... anything they can reheat, too. The ladies who make our meal list also wrote what each person was bringing, which helped ensure we didn't have five nights of meatloaf. :) You might also want to ask about any food allergies and make sure that the people preparing the meals know.
2. Call, email, send messages, write notes... but don't be offended if they don't respond. Do say something. Just like I wrote in Part One, your friend may not feel like talking to anyone. But she will want and need to know her friends still love and support her. In the days immediately surrounding her loss, she may feel numb and not even be capable of a response. Your notes of love and sympathy will not go unnoticed. Same thing if you are on Facebook... send her a message or post a note on her wall. I read every single comment I received; with each one, I felt more and more comforted. Even if you don't know the person very well... go ahead and send a note. I received notes and messages from people I don't think I've ever spoken to in my life, but I still appreciated it just as much.
3. You'll want to offer them advice... don't. I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too. Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help. (I should make a list of well-meaning things NEVER to say...) Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she just lost. She also doesn't want to hear about God's plan right now. Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could. I also think its pefectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks." Because it does. Sugar coating it doesn't help anything. You know it sucks. She knows it sucks. So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show.
4. Do something practical. If your friends have other children, take them out of the house for an afternoon. Offer to take them overnight while she is at the hospital. Maybe your friend needs her yard mowed. Remember, dads experience just as much loss and grief as the mom. The last thing he probably wants to do is mow the yard. Ask if you can help her with housework, laundry... whatever. My mom was here when WHitney was born. When we came home from the hospital, she had completely cleaned every inch of our house (including the bathroom I told her not to go in!). It was such a relief to come home to a clean house.
5. Again, continue to invite them to things. Even though your friend will probably not feel up for being around lots of people, still invite her. Don't give up even when she continues to turn you down. :)
6. Contribute to a memorial fund. Sometimes, parents will set up a memorial fund in honor of their baby who has passed away. Sometimes, they may not have a memorial fund set up, but there is some kind of organization or fund you can contribute to in honor/memory of their little one. There are organizations that contribute to research in all areas, as well as non-profits who help families wih sick children. A few examples are The Ronald McDonald House, Children's Hospital (possibly where your friend may have seen doctors), Cancer Societies... the list goes on and on. Most of the time, when you make a contribution in honor of someone, they will send a note to the parents, letting them know a contribution was made in memory of their child. Again, this means the WORLD to a parent! We set up the Whitney Jill Memorial Fund after a few people asked us about it. All the money donated goes to a local pregnancy clinic that helps women in crisis pregnancies. The clinic does ultrasounds free of charge. We chose this organization because it was through ultrasound that Sean and I were able to see Whitney in life and we are so thankful for the images we have of her via ultrasound. (I'm working on an update to be posted soon!!!) Its easy to set up your own... just choose an organization, hospital or cause that is close to your heart and let people know about it. You can even get a paypal button for free to make online donation easy. Even the people who gave just $5 or $10 have such a special place in my heart. Contributing to Whitney's memorial fund went above and beyond sending a card. If you are in a position where you can do this for your friend, I know it would mean the world.
7. Remember the anniversary of their baby's death. I cannot tell you how much it means to me when my mom or sister or someone remembers an anniversary... 1 month, 6 months, whatever. Mark it on your calendar, so that when the one year anniversary comes, you can send them a card or give them a call to let them know you still remember their baby.
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**EDIT** Here are some more great ideas from Beth A....
8. Don't be afraid to cry with your friend. I already mentioned how comforting it can be to a friend to just sit with her in her loss. Beth reminded me how important it can be to share your tears with your friend, too. There were seasons when I was pregnant where I could not hold a natural conversation with hardly anyone, because they would start crying just talking to me! But that's ok! It truly showed me how much they care for us. I even met a friend a few weeks ago whom I've never met in person, but she told me that she has shed many tears for us. That touched me so much! So don't be afraid of the tears. They are God's way of helping to heal our hearts.
9. Speak their child's name. I can't believe I forgot this one! This was another great suggestion from Beth. We all know names are especially powerful. Most parents spend months thinking of the perfect name for their little one. Names give us our identity and can continue a family legacy. So when you speak of your friend's child by name, it acknowledges their existence. There is an Egyptian proverb that says, "To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again." Names are powerful. This is the same idea behind our Name Gallery. So don't be afraid to speak to your friend about her child, mentioning him or her by name. :-)
10. Pray for them! And let them know you are praying for them. A lot of times, people will say as an addendum to a conversations, "I'll pray for you." Some people genuinely mean it, others just say it because it seems like the right thing to say. Whatever you do, if you tell them you are praying for them, do it! I had several friends who would write out their prayers and send them to me. Its meant so much!
I am sure there are more things to add... in fact, if you have something to add, please do! I'd love to hear of something you did for a friend, or something they did for you. We'll just kind of keep adding to this list. I hope this helps someone out there!
