I love this sweater. It is absolutely beautiful. I love its delicate lilac color, the softness of the yarn and the way the hoodie looks when its pulled up over Gia's bald little head. But more than all of that, I love what this sweater represents. It represents HOPE.
A few months ago, I had the opportunity to go visit my sister who lives in Mesa, AZ. Gia and I trekked across the country on her first ever plane ride (4 1/2 hours!)-- she did great! We had a wonderful time with my sister, brother-in-law and my two nieces & Gia had a blast playing with her cousins. While we were visitng, I got to meet an online friend, whom I had previously never met in person. Years ago, when I was living in NC, I had a group of friends that I met online. I know, I know... it sounds sketchy. To be honest, I can't even remember the exact way we all met, but I spent a good deal of time just chatting with these women and sharing our lives long-distance. I guess it was such a cool thing at the time because in the small town where we lived, I only had one other friend who was even remotely close to my age and she had two young kids. So I could totally relate to my friends online, who were also fairly newly married with no kids. Fast forward 5 or 6 years (and a coast-to-other-coast move), and I didn't really keep in touch with many of them. Life got busy, but I still managed to keep up with just a couple of women from that original online group.
Then I got pregnant with Whitney and we learned she was sick. These friends that I had never even met were such an encouragement to me. Sending me messages and emails, but more than anything, they just felt my pain with me. I didn't really know the extent to which my friends were affected by Whitney until I was in Arizona and got to meet one of them. Caitlin (hey girl, hey!) and I went to lunch (with Gia, too) and started talking about Whitney. Oh, how sweet it is to have friends who bring up her name. I am so thankful for the many friends God has recently brought into our lives who do so. Caitlin gave me this purple sweater (that she masterfully hand-knitted herself), saying she wasn't sure if it would fit Gia now or not. See, she had originally made this sweater for Whitney. She and our other friend, Tasia (hey girl!) were so certain that God was going to heal Whitney. They had such hope and faith that she would be born alive, all would be well, and she would some day be wearing this purple sweater. I am so humbled by their belief.
Now, two years laster, as I hold that sweater, I think about that hope and faith my friends had... that everything would be ok... that God would answer our prayers and make my baby girl alright. And I thought about the outcome of that chapter of our lives... that Whitney isn't here and how seemingly, that hope fell flat.
Last week, in our small group, we were talking about prayer. Specifically, we started talking about whether or not it does any good. Afterall, some times it seems like no matter how hard we pray for something, God either doesn't hear us, or He just doesn't answer. Several people mentioned how they prayed so hard for a loved one to be healed, but they died anyway. A baby dying. A mother. A friend. Where was God in all of that? Why didn't he answer our prayers then? And if he couldn't (or didn't) intervene then, where do we draw upon hope for future pains? I don't know how praying works, but I know that it does. Even in the midst of losing Whitney, I still felt God's peace surrounding us. I believe that is largely due to all the people who were surrounding us with prayer. I don't ever think its God's will for someone to die. Remember, death was not in his original plan. But because we live in a fallen world, crap just happens. And sometimes it happens to innocents, like our babies. And it sucks. But that doesn't mean that we lose hope. Our hope is in something far greater than our temporary circumstances... the hope that Christ brings is in something-rather, someONE, eternal. Someone more powerful and worthy and awesome than we are able to comprehend. Our hope is in the Risen Christ who is continually making all things new for His eternal glory. 1 Peter 1:3 articulates the true hope: "Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..."
As I look at the purple sweater sitting on the table beside me right now, I think about hope. Hope wasn't lost when Whitney died. The greatest Hope I have is not in anything this world has to offer, but in the One who can bring life beyond this world and beyond my present circumstances. And when I put this beautiful, soft sweater over the silky little head of my Gianna, I am doubly reminded of God's goodness. After Whitney, we hoped for another baby. We hoped and prayed that God would bless us with a child to raise and love. He answered those prayers and more in Gianna. Of course she doesn't replace Whitney... Whitney is an individual, irreplaceable. And just becuase our prayers weren't answered in the way that we thought would be best, doesn't mean that we lose hope or that God forgot about us. In fact, its the exact opposite. He was there beside us, loving us through our loss more than ever before. This much I know is true: this life is fleeting; there will be good and there will be bad. That is all the more reason to put our hope not in earthly things, but in the One above. To surrender my will and my plans, my hopes and my dreams, to the One who holds them all in his hands.
I'll leave you with this from my favorite verse of all-time:
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (ESV)
