Yesterday July 17 marked yet another year that has passed without my (Sean) mom. As my consciousness awakened to what day it was I was flooded with the memories of that day that I have tried to suppress. I will spare you the details but I can say that numbness of her death still plagues my heart. How can it be? There are so many things left to do with her. God how can you let such a thing happen after all my prayers to see her healed?
Since her death I have struggled letting anyone in who would serve as a motherly figure. More often than not, it is something so deep in my subconscious that I am not fully aware of how I am acting until it is too late. This bitter pain usually lays dormat, but for some reason yesterday I am fighting it yet again.
I am thankful for where God has been leading me this past year. As I try and make sense of what I am feeling I am reminded of the blessing in my life today. The loss of Whitney was unimaginable and felt like another dagger in my heart, but God remained faithful to us. His faithfulness was not found in the birth of Gianna (although I rejoice greatly for that blessing) but it was found in what he accomplished 2000 years ago when the Father watched his Son die a criminals death. It was God's faithfulness to his creation that he would make a way for sin's debt to be paid and that we would have union with God again. I believe that if God is true and faithful to his promise of the gospel that his promise of a day when no more tears will fall or cancer destroys will also be true.
As I live anew in the gospel I am awakened to see and feel something that I thought would never be true. When I look at the love of the mother of my child I am overwhelmed with the overarching memory of my mom who loved me so much. To my sorrow I have forgotten much of what my mom looked like, sounded like, and simply was like; but God has been gracious to me to remind of how she loved.
I am constantly reminded that life is but a vapor and one day too soon people in our lives will be gone. Today I am reminded that love will leave a legacy that will never end. I am also reminded that the only reason we know what love is...is because the Father has first loved us.
Sorry for the randomness of thoughts...feels good to just them out of my head
