He's Still Carrying Me

One of my favorite songs that God gave us when we were pregnant with Whitney was the song by Selah, "I Will Carry You." It affirmed our decision to continue our pregnancy, despite our doctors recommendation to terminate. It gave me strength and reminded me that as I continued to carry Whitney, He would carry me. (I wrote about that HERE) If you've never heard this song, listen below. (NOTE: Trigger warning. Don't listen to this in public. You think I'm joking but it hits all the feels.)

I listened to this song again today for the first time in years. I was transported back to a time when I felt each word with such visceral emotion, my body shook. Nine years ago, this song was me begging...pleading... I was putting it out there to God as my PRAYER, in the hopes that he would carry me like the song suggested. I sang it for STRENGTH just to get through each appointment, each awkward conversation, each moment that never would come to fruition. Today, I sang that song as a PRAISE. Through a waterfall of tears, at the top of my lungs, I sang it as a love song-- not only to my baby girl who I carried for 31 beautiful weeks, but to the ONE who gave her life and loves her more that I could ever imagine. I sang it with a SIGH OF RELIEF... knowing that He is who He says He is.

Can I tell you something I'm learning about that? About God being who He says He is? I know we say this a lot but God is so good. He is better than I could have ever dreamed, imagined or hoped for. We say that a lot, but every time I say it, my mind floods with the million instances where he has gone ABOVE and BEYOND to lavish me with his mercy and love. I could write a book on the coincidences of God's grace.... moments and gifts He gave us with Whitney that weren't necessary, but moments that God arranged as GIFTS just for us because of how much He loves us.

There are the BIG THINGS like

-how my mom was able to be there when Whitney was born because of a pre-planned trip many months before. My mom lives in EGYPT so that was kind of a big deal.
-Whitney was born on February 11... the same day that I had accepted Christ and was baptized 21 years before she was born.
-MY JOB at the time was as the director of a mobile ultrasound clinic.  I could get an ultrasound any time I wanted/needed, and as a result I got to see Whitney on the ultrasound screen so much! What a gift!

Then there were the little ways God reminded us of his goodness:

-Seeing "her flowers" randomly
-Seeing her name somewhere we didn't expect
-People we didn't even know praying for us

But the thing that floored me today as I took some time to reflect on our journey with Whitney is that God is STILL showing his goodness after all this time!!!! Not only did he carry us then, but HE IS STILL CARRYING ME!! And He is STILL redeeming Whitney's story. He is using her story-our story- bring HOPE to people in the same situations. And this is what gets me the most--- he is STILL lavishing his love on us in unexpected ways.

The lyrics of "I Will Carry You" got me thinking about how it could apply to other burdens you may be carrying right now. Perhaps its not a child you are losing but you've lost your job and you need hope. Or maybe your marriage is in shambles and you don't see how it could possibly be restored. Maybe your relationship with your kids is all screwed up and you don't know what to do to make it right. Or maybe things are happening to you right now that are completely out of your control-- cancer, death, loneliness, depression. Can I share the words of this song for you, as an encouragement to make it your prayer? Pray it with all the desperation within in. Then wait in eager, hopeful anticipation of the day that you WILL sing it as a praise and reflect back on the beautiful, extravagant ways that He carried you through.

I Will Carry You by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says
i've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you