Helping A Friend- Part One

In the past couple of months, several people have asked me what they can do to help a friend who has lost a child.  Like I've said so many times, death is an uncomfortable thing in our American culture, and many people don't know how to respond to a friend who's child has died.  It can be even more uncomfortable in situations like our's, where we were still pregnant but knew our baby was sick and would not survive.  Many people may want to help, but they just don't know how.  Here are a few things that might help.  I'm also going to do this in two different posts...the first one will be things that could help if you have a friend who is carrying a pregnancy with an adverse prenatal diagnosis.  

How To Help A Friend Currently Pregnant With A Sick Baby

1. Call them, email them, write notes... but don't be offended if they don't respond.  Especially in the beginning, when the adverse diagnosis is fresh, your friend may not feel like talking to anyone.  But most likely, she will probably want to know her friends still love and support her.  In cases where the pregnancy is deemed "incompatible with life" there is often a lot of confusion and uncertainty... confusion about the specific diagnosis, uncertainty on how long the baby will survive, and the health condition of the mother.  Just going to a doctor's appointment can be overwhelming and exhausting.  But your notes of encouragement and love will not go unnoticed.  

2. Respect their privacy in how much they decide to share.  People handle difficult situations in many different ways.  Some people are very open about what is happening with their pregnancy (hello, blogworld) and others will choose not to tell hardly anyone.  We chose to be pretty open about what was going on, for a number of different reasons.  But not everyone is like that-- and that is perfectly alright.  There is no handbook for this kind of thing.  Whatever your friend chooses, respect her decision.  If you are close enough to ask her questions about the pregnancy, by all means, go ahead.  Your friend may find you are someone whom she can confide in.  But, if she doesn't want to talk about it, respect that.  Kind of take your friend's lead in this area.

3. Resist the urge to offer advice.  I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too.  Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help.  Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she is pregnant with.  She also doesn't want to hear about God's plan right now.  Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could.  I also think its pefectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks."  Because it does.  Sugar coating it doesn't help anything.  You know it sucks.  She knows it sucks.  So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show.

4. Throw her a "love shower."  Everyone is different, and some people may not want a shower.  A friend asked me if I would like one, and at first I wasn't sure.  I certainly couldn't stand the thought of getting baby things, when I knew Whitney wouldn't be around long enough for us to use them.  In the end, Whitney came earlier than we had planned, and I didn't have a "love shower."  However, several of my other Angel Baby moms did have love showers.  Instead of buying baby things, like you normally would at a shower, gift her with pampering items.  A few gift ideas:
 

• SPA GIFT CERTIFICATE 


•         GIFT CERTIFICATE TO HER FAVE HAIRSTYLIST (my amazing friend and hairstylist, Katy,     gifted me with a haircut and it was so wonderful.  I went just a few weeks after     Whitney was born, and it felt great to take some time out to do that)


•         JEWELRY (Fun stuff or personalized stuff... there are some great custom jewelry makers     out there... one of my faves is The Vintage Pearl.


•         COMFORT ITEMS (like a fuzzy blanket, warm slippers, soft robe, jammies, etc.)


•         BOOKS (Anything your friend loves... Karen Kingsbury, Jackina Stark... something fictional is    good to help her 'escape' when she wants to just take her mind off things)


•         HANDMADE ANYTHING (Hand made gifts are always so meaningful.  You may want     to coordinate with other shower guests, so your friend doesn't get a dozen blankets, but     gifts from the heart are always so special.)


•         RESTAURANT GIFT CARDS


•         MATERNITY PHOTO SHOOT GIFT CERTIFICATE (Our very talented friend and photographer,    Hannah G. gifted us with an amazing maternity photo shoot.  I cannot express in words     how much these photos mean to me!!)


•         GO IN ON A BIG GIFT TOGETHER Much like you might "go in" on a stroller or car seat for a     baby shower, consider going in on a big gift like a really nice camera or video recorder.      (We have the FLIP and LOVE it.  We were really thankful for the cameras we had a     Whitney's delivery, too.)

5. Continue to invite her to things (birthday parties, dinner, showers, etc) but again, don't be offended if she doesn't accept the invitation.  Often, a dinner is just what your friend might need to help perk her spirits up on a tough day.  Even though she may decline an offer a few times, don't give up on her.  :) 

6. Offer to help with some of the unpleasant logistical arrangements.  Of course, this isn't for every friend to offer.  But if this is your best friend and you live close, offering to take care of some unpleasant things could be a huge weight off your friend's sholders.  Often, when a woman is carrying a baby she knows will not surivive, she will plan the funeral or memorial service before her baby is born.  You could offer to help her with making the funeral bulletins, arranging a location, or organizing a lunch afterward.  If you've used a funeral home in town, and would recommend them to your friend, do so.  But again, use your discretion in this.  Some people may not want help in these areas.  You can always just offer the help in a simple sentence or two, then let your friend decide to take you up on the offer. 

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I think the key to helping a friend who is carrying a baby with an adverse prenatal diagnosis is to just love her.  Don't change the way you treat her.  Still call her.  Invite her to things.  Go out of your way to let her know you are thinking of her.  Don't be offended if she doesn't respond how she 'normally' would.  Afterall, her life is forever changing.  She is in the process of learning to live in a new state of Normal.  Love. Love. Love. Persistence. Prayers. Love. Gentleness. Thick Skin. Prayers. Love. Compassion. Love. Grace. Love. Grace. Tact. Comfort. Love. Prayers. Love.  Love, Love, Love.