Anxious For Grace

The end of my pregnancy is really starting to take its toll on me.  This Rainbow Baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I am so utterly excited to meet and hold our little girl, but the fact of the matter is, she's not in my arms yet.  Something could still go wrong.

The only frame of reference that I have for any kind of labor and delivery process is what happened with Whitney.  I went into labor at almost 31 weeks, and she passed away in utero, while I was having contractions.  So now, as I sit here 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Gianna, I can't help but think about that every time my abdomen hardens.  (Don't get excited though-- I'm not in labor yet... just those annoying Braxton Hicks contractions... no painful ones.)

Every rational and irrational fear is flying through my head at a hundred miles per hour.  What if there is something wrong with Gia that we didn't know about?  What if something happens during delivery?  What if she just dies for no reason, as I've learned that babies sometimes do?  What if we havent' found a job yet because there is going to be something wrong with Gianna? Or worse- what if God isn't providing us with a job yet because we won't have a baby to provide for?  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.  I KNOW I can't live my life in the "what-ifs" but they won't stop assaulting my brain. 

I learned many years ago, when my thoughts become irrational, I need to ground myself with what I know to be true, versus what could just maybe potentially become reality.  So what I know to be true right now is that Gianna is healthy.  We have no indication that anything is wrong.  In fact, she's moving around quite a bit still-- especially for as little room as she has.  And logic tells me that this is why my tummy feel so hard and tight almost 24/7.  NOT because there is something wrong.  Just because she's growing like she should.  Reason and experience tell me that God's timing is perfect.  So Gia will be born in HIS time, and we will also find a job in HIS time.  (Though for the record, my time frame for both major life changes would have been, oh... yesterday.)

So with nothing else to do but go crazy, I was reminded of the meaning behind Gianna's name... the Lord is Gracious.  And it took me back to the verse that has been speaking to us for the past 18 months: Psalm 145.  You're probably sick of hearing about it on this blog by now.... but as I was reading, these key verses stuck out to me yet again:

¹ I will exalt you, my God the King; 
   I will praise your name for ever and ever. 
² Every day I will praise you 
   and extol your name for ever and ever.

 ³ Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; 
   his greatness no one can fathom. 

 

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate, 
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all; 
   he has compassion on all he has made. 
¹⁰ All your works praise you, LORD; 
   your faithful people extol you. 
¹¹ They tell of the glory of your kingdom 
   and speak of your might, 
¹² so that all people may know of your mighty acts 
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 

 

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises 
   and faithful in all he does.^[c] 
14 The LORD upholds all who fall 
   and lifts up all who are bowed down. 
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you, 
   and you give them their food at the proper time. 
¹⁶ You open your hand 
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways 
   and faithful in all he does. 
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him, 
   to all who call on him in truth. 
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 
   he hears their cry and saves them. 
²⁰ The LORD watches over all who love him, 
   but all the wicked he will destroy.

 ²¹ My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. 
   Let every creature praise his holy name 
   for ever and ever.

What a Psalm of Praise!  I know that God is good, and provides for those who fear him.  I know that he has compassion on all he has made.  And I know that he is near.  He is lifting me up.  So while I may be anxious for deliverance from this waiting season of our lives, I need to stop and remember to give praise to the One who is truly Gracious to all.  So if you think of us in these next couple of days/weeks, we'd really covet your prayers.  Number one, for a safe and healthy delivery of a safe and healthy baby.  And number two, for peace as we have patience in our waiting for both our baby and God's direction.  

EDITED TO ADD:

I just have to share this picture because I love the truth it depicts so much!  I took this picture in Mokkatum, Egypt when we were there last year.  (Mokkatum is where many of the Egyptian Christians live.  This is carved into the side of a huge cave church there.  Absolutely magnificent.)  Its the scene where the angel has told the visitors to Jesus' tomb that he is not here, he has rise, just as he said he would.  I love that last part-- JUST AS HE SAID.  I am so thankful that our God is a God who does what he says... and just like he rose from the dead as he proclaimed he would, the Lord will do what he says throughout all of scripture.... like what he is saying in Psalm 145 about being Good to all, Compassionate towards his creations, and upholding those who fall.