Anxious For Grace

The end of my pregnancy is really starting to take its toll on me.  This Rainbow Baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I am so utterly excited to meet and hold our little girl, but the fact of the matter is, she's not in my arms yet.  Something could still go wrong.

The only frame of reference that I have for any kind of labor and delivery process is what happened with Whitney.  I went into labor at almost 31 weeks, and she passed away in utero, while I was having contractions.  So now, as I sit here 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Gianna, I can't help but think about that every time my abdomen hardens.  (Don't get excited though-- I'm not in labor yet... just those annoying Braxton Hicks contractions... no painful ones.)

Every rational and irrational fear is flying through my head at a hundred miles per hour.  What if there is something wrong with Gia that we didn't know about?  What if something happens during delivery?  What if she just dies for no reason, as I've learned that babies sometimes do?  What if we havent' found a job yet because there is going to be something wrong with Gianna? Or worse- what if God isn't providing us with a job yet because we won't have a baby to provide for?  WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF.  I KNOW I can't live my life in the "what-ifs" but they won't stop assaulting my brain. 

I learned many years ago, when my thoughts become irrational, I need to ground myself with what I know to be true, versus what could just maybe potentially become reality.  So what I know to be true right now is that Gianna is healthy.  We have no indication that anything is wrong.  In fact, she's moving around quite a bit still-- especially for as little room as she has.  And logic tells me that this is why my tummy feel so hard and tight almost 24/7.  NOT because there is something wrong.  Just because she's growing like she should.  Reason and experience tell me that God's timing is perfect.  So Gia will be born in HIS time, and we will also find a job in HIS time.  (Though for the record, my time frame for both major life changes would have been, oh... yesterday.)

So with nothing else to do but go crazy, I was reminded of the meaning behind Gianna's name... the Lord is Gracious.  And it took me back to the verse that has been speaking to us for the past 18 months: Psalm 145.  You're probably sick of hearing about it on this blog by now.... but as I was reading, these key verses stuck out to me yet again:

¹ I will exalt you, my God the King; 
   I will praise your name for ever and ever. 
² Every day I will praise you 
   and extol your name for ever and ever.

 ³ Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; 
   his greatness no one can fathom. 

 

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate, 
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all; 
   he has compassion on all he has made. 
¹⁰ All your works praise you, LORD; 
   your faithful people extol you. 
¹¹ They tell of the glory of your kingdom 
   and speak of your might, 
¹² so that all people may know of your mighty acts 
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 

 

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises 
   and faithful in all he does.^[c] 
14 The LORD upholds all who fall 
   and lifts up all who are bowed down. 
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you, 
   and you give them their food at the proper time. 
¹⁶ You open your hand 
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The LORD is righteous in all his ways 
   and faithful in all he does. 
¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him, 
   to all who call on him in truth. 
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; 
   he hears their cry and saves them. 
²⁰ The LORD watches over all who love him, 
   but all the wicked he will destroy.

 ²¹ My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. 
   Let every creature praise his holy name 
   for ever and ever.

What a Psalm of Praise!  I know that God is good, and provides for those who fear him.  I know that he has compassion on all he has made.  And I know that he is near.  He is lifting me up.  So while I may be anxious for deliverance from this waiting season of our lives, I need to stop and remember to give praise to the One who is truly Gracious to all.  So if you think of us in these next couple of days/weeks, we'd really covet your prayers.  Number one, for a safe and healthy delivery of a safe and healthy baby.  And number two, for peace as we have patience in our waiting for both our baby and God's direction.  

EDITED TO ADD:

I just have to share this picture because I love the truth it depicts so much!  I took this picture in Mokkatum, Egypt when we were there last year.  (Mokkatum is where many of the Egyptian Christians live.  This is carved into the side of a huge cave church there.  Absolutely magnificent.)  Its the scene where the angel has told the visitors to Jesus' tomb that he is not here, he has rise, just as he said he would.  I love that last part-- JUST AS HE SAID.  I am so thankful that our God is a God who does what he says... and just like he rose from the dead as he proclaimed he would, the Lord will do what he says throughout all of scripture.... like what he is saying in Psalm 145 about being Good to all, Compassionate towards his creations, and upholding those who fall.  

 

 

Reason For Hope

(This is a re-post from April of last year.  Still sums up pretty much how amazing and powerful Easter is and what it means in my life... even more so since Whitney.) 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.

Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  In fact, I almost cringe at calling it a "holiday" because of the triviality that word connotes.  Christmas is great and birthdays are fun, but there is something so completely different about Easter.  One year in college, I had just started dating a guy around this time of year.  It was just a few days before Easter and I had told him that Easter was my favorite holiday.  Later that evening, he brought me a huge pastel pink, stuffed bunny.  It was sweet of him, it really was, but bunnies and eggs aren't why I love Easter so much.  (Sidenote: any of my college girls remember that?  I believe that was the same night as the "kids in the bannister, wives out the wazoo" incident.  "No, Sheyenne... tell us about the bunny!" haha!)

Easter represents the reason for my hope... the reason for my life... the reason I get up every day... and Easter is the day we jubilantly celebrate that!  Words are completely inadequate to describe the joy and anticipation that fills my heart in the weeks leading up to Easter.  At church last week, we sang a song that we are going to sing again this week.  It was so beautiful, joyful and victorious!  I cannot wait to sing it at the top of my lungs tomorrow.  Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins-- my sins-- and ultimately conquering death.  Did you hear that?  Conquering death.  I love the songs that say things like "From the grave you've risen, victoriously!" and "Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting!" and "Up from the grave he arose!"  When those lines come up in a song, I want to jump up and down, shout it out and praise my Lord!  

 

1 Peter 1:3 
 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..

 

People ask us how we are able to keep going... how are we able to keep doing what we're doing.  In a nutshell, Easter explains it all.  Sin was separating me from God.  His son, Jesus died for my sins.  He washed me clean.  In doing that, Jesus bridged that gap between me and God.  Now that's deserving of a lifelong commitment, don't you think?  And in the end, I know that I will spend eternity in Heaven with the God who sent his son to die for me.  The purpose of my life is simply to give God glory in everything I do.  God didn't cause Whitney to die.  He didn't make her sick.  For Whitney to die was never God's plan.  It wasn't his "Plan A", "B", or even "C" for that matter.  So why would I be mad at God?  And why would I ever stop singing his praises when he did give us so many blessings through Whitney?  Because of his sacrifice, his goodness and his love, I know that I will have eternity with him.  And I will also have eternity with my daughter, doing all the things I didn't get to do with her in this life.  

Easter is my favorite day of the year.  It reminds me of the day so many years ago when I, too was 'buried with Christ in baptism' and raised again as a new person.  One of those many blessigs that God gave us through Whitney actually goes back 21 years from the exact day she was born.  On February 11, 1989, my sister and I gave our lives to Christ and were baptized.  My dad acutally baptized us.  It was awesome.  On that day, my old 'self' died and Christ started in me a new life-- a life I chose to live for Him.  Though I was only 7 1/2 years old, I knew that my life was forever changed.  In the years that came after Febraury 11, 1989, I faced some hard times.  I strayed from the life God wanted me to live, but because of his goodness, I was blessed with family and friends who always brought me back to the truth.  I devoted my life to serving him, to helping others.  And in the hard times, I always went back to February 11... the day my new life began.  Every year since then, I have remembered that day as my 'new' birthday, or my 'spiritual' birthday.  Because of my decision on that day, Christ was now my Lord and Saviour, and I knew that he would not give me anything that I could not handle.

 

 February 11, 1989

Fast-forward 21 years.  February 11, 2010.  The day my daughter was born.  I do not think it was any coincidence that Whitney was born on this day-- my 21st re-birthday.  For years I've celebrated that as my re-birthday, and from now on, I will also celebrate it as my daughter's birthday.  How can anyone see this situation and not see God's incredible goodness in all of this?  Of the 365 days my daughter could be born, God allowed her to be born on the anniversary of the day I gave my life to him.  And my mom and sister were also able to be with me!  A reminder that in every situation, no matter what the circumstance, God is still with me.  And I have promised to give him all the glory in every situation.  So you see, that's why Easter is so much more than just bunnies and eggs to me.  Easter is life!  And praise!  And HOPE!

 

February 11, 2010

Romans 6:8-11 
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 28:1-10 
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

 

 

 

 

Happy Aunt & Uncle Day 2011

HAPPY AUNT & UNCLE DAY!!!

Never heard of Aunt & Uncle Day?  Its ok if you haven't... we made it up.  :)  If you have been following our story for this past year, you may remember last year's first Aunt & Uncle holiday.  We (Sean and I) decided to start this tradition and make it an annual holiday in our family, as a means to remember Whitney.  April 16th was Whitney's due date, and although she came into our arms a few months before that, we still wanted to remember the day.  

This year we are so excited to celebrate the aunts and uncles who love both Whitney and Gianna so much!  Though most of their aunts & uncles have yet to hold either of them (except for Megan, who did get to hold Whitney when she was born)-- Whitney in heaven and Gia here on earth-- they love our girls so much, and we are so thankful for them!!

Sean and I decided to make some special cookies for the Aunts & Uncles this year.  You can look back at our post from last year to see what we made for them then.  We had a great time baking Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Snaps.   The chocolate snaps are a favorite childhood recipe that Sean's mom (Whitney & Gianna's Grandma Jill) used to make a lot.  They are Sean & Kyle's favorite cookie (and maybe Audrey's too?).  I know our's didn't quite measure up to Jill's delicious dessert, but they were made with love and remembrance, and hopefully that counted for a lot.  ;)

Here are a few pictures from when we were making the cookies.  Today, we are celebrating and loving the aunts and unlces in our girls' lives who love them so much!  We love you all, Megan, Eric, David, Audrey, Kyle, Anne, Dave, Amy, and Emily.  :)

Sorry for the MIA...

I am so sorry that I have been MIA lately.  Sean and I have just recently relocated our entire lives due to his layoff last Fall.  We still have not found a job, but are earnestly and fervently seeking where it is that God will have us serving next.  We'd love your prayers on that front!

We are living with Sean's family and it is wonderful.  They are so gracious to open their home to us, especially at such a crazy time.  I have just 5 weeks left (or less) until our rainbow baby, Gianna is supposed to make her debut into this world.  I have such a range of emotions, and to say these past 5 weeks since we've moved have been difficult is the understatement of the Century.  I have been updating about my rainbow pregnancy on our family blog.  If you're interested, you can go and check it out:

But I want to be sure to keep this a safe place for anyone and everyone who make come across Whitney's blog.  That's why I have kept the talk of our Rainbow Babe to a minimum.  Though I know you all are rejoicing with us, I also know how hard it is for a baby loss momma to read about or to see those who are pregnant.  So... anyways, that's my reasoning.  Of course I will still update from time to time about Gia.  But this is Whitney's blog and I really want to keep it about her and her life.  

SO... all that to say, I have a lot to say rolling around in my little brain, I just haven't had the strength or made the time to put it into words.  We miss Whitney now seemingly more than ever.  I wish she were here to be a big sister.  I wish I had gotten to wash clothes for her like I am for Gianna.  We just miss her a whole awful lot.  

I'll update with more later as I can.  I hope you konw that we love you all and are so grateful for all your love and prayers and words of encouragement.  And most of all, we love you for remembering our daughter with us.  

XOXO.