99 Balloons

In a completely random conversation this morning with my good from Hopper, we were talking about our last visit to the doctor's office and just how it seems that the medical world does not understand the hope that Sheyenne and I have.  Through that conversation he asked if I had watched this video to which I replied no.  He told me to watch it which. I did and of course it made me cry like a baby.  The difference today in my tears was this; it was not sadness but joy, it was not grief but hope that made water stream from my eyes.  It is always been our prayer from the beginning that we would be able to hold our little girl and to have her see with her eyes her goofy dad and beautiful mom. 

In the back of my mind I always wonder how am I going to feel if this does not come true...and unfortunately nothing profound comes to mind.  In the end God gives and He takes away but I will still say His name is blessed and I will praise Him.  Sounds like a cliche I know but I am find with that.  I feel like I am constantly being emptied of all my strength and in that I am need to rely solely on the strength of Christ living in me.  I feel as if God is telling me to let go of the title of "dad".  All I want is to be a dad and it hurts way too much thinking that I cannot raise my little girl.  I feel God telling me that "dad" is not my true title, and in the words of my favorite author Henri Nouwen, God is telling me to become the "beloved" and that is the only title that should matter.  I have forgotten to let God love me in this time and to rest in Him.  To be honest I don't even know what that looks like because I am constantly trying to fill my mind with anything but life in its current state.  I find myself almost zombie like in the day to day at times because I try and do anything to keep the pain out.  I won't even watch movies or TV that could possibly make me cry.  God would be so mean to me if all of a sudden my Xbox started making me cry, then I would have no escape! 

Well, I am not sure how to end my ramblings for the day other than to challenge you with this: what "title" in your life are you holding on to that gets in the way of our first which is found in Christ? What do you want to be known by that is more important than simply being known by God? 

I ask that you watch this video and then pray.  Don't pray for us because I know you already have and will continue doing so, but pray for those who go to the doctor and find out their child has a problem like ours.  Pray for those who do not have the comfort that I have or the hope found in Christ.  Pray that these families will find the peace that can only come from Jesus.  Pray that they will hold value to the life that they have created and will see it to the end.  Pray that they will rest in knowing that they are God's beloved children and that that will sustain them.