Sadness

What's funny is I have wanted to write on this blog for awhile, but never really felt like I had much to say.  To be honest, I still don't feel that way simply for the pain that is in my heart.  So, if you are reading this feel no pressure to continue for I do not know if there can be any profound nugget found today.  This truly is my hope to release some of the pain that is on my heart.

I cannot begin to describe what it feels like to wake up every morning knowing that your child is going to die.  This is a truth for us all, I realize, but one that is approaching in my life.  Again, we all know that death is always on the horizon, but I feel that this is different.  I can imagine "normal" parents seeing their new born and dreaming of the future for them; teaching them to read, drive, play games, first days of school, graduation, and so on.  I dream of seeing my daughter breathe, holding my finger, and if I am lucky a smile.  I wonder who does she look like and will we even be able to tell? 

Lately I have just hurt and really I don't even want to get out of bed.  Thankfully Chick-Fil-A is tempting me with free breakfast each morning so I usually get up with that in mind. 

I was listening to a song last night in which the phrase "death has lost its sting" was sung.  Not sure how I feel about that one, I am pretty sure I feel the sting right now, and we haven't even dealt with her death yet (at least in a physical way because emotionally we deal with it every day). I realize that the phrase comes from Paul who is talking about the sting of death in regards to sin, but the sting I feel is different.  Thankfully I do know that physical death is but a sting for I live in the power of Christ.  Just as a bee sting hurts a lot at first, the pain will eventually go away and all that remains is a bump which too will fade away.  Death hurts.  I wish that the pain went away as quickly as a bee sting, but it does not.  This sting lingers for quite some time and the bump that it leaves probably will never vanish from our lives.  I do know from my past that this pain will eventually go away and come back and go away and come back, but I know that Whitney's death is just a sting.  I have the hope and assurance of Christ to know that her death is just a sting and not something that will last forever, because the funniest part of all, is she will have no clue as she is made perfect with Christ.  It is us poor saps here on earth that must endure the pain as we wait to join her on the other side of eternity.

Well, if you continued to read I am not sure how you are feeling, but to be honest I feel a little better. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for my wonderful wife who is so beautiful as she carries little Whit with her everywhere she goes.  It is fun experiencing life with both of them and trying to enjoy what God has blessed us with.  I talked to Whitney last night and told her that I loved her and that she had the best mommy ever, and that I have the best wife ever.  Continue praying for us all and that by God's miraculous hand I can look at this post in a few months and rejoice that God is not as fatalistic as I am.    :)