Happy Mother's Day...

No one ever tells you that you may spend your first Mother's Day as a mom without a baby in your arms.  

No one ever tells you that you'll be clinging to a stuffed bunny all day instead of dressing your daughter up in bows and pink ruffly dresses.  

No one ever told me any of that, and yet that's where I find myself today.  Yes, its a tough day.  But I have so much to be thankful for in regards to Whitney.  I am so thankful that I got to experience all the things I did with her... the heartburn, the nausea, the moodswings, her kicks and flutters, contractions and giving birth to her.  Most of all, though, I am so thankful that I now know what people mean when they talk about the love between a parent and a child.  When I was younger, I tried to imagine what that might feel like, but I wasn't even close.  Because I Whitney, I have a new level of understanding of God's love for me.  And I am absolutely floored and humbled with that knowledge.  

I've had this candle lit today... right now its sitting beside me as I type.  The sweet scent of gardenias gently wafts my way as breeze from outside blows it in my direction.  A sweet reminder of all the beauty I once held in my arms for only a day... and a glimpse of the promise that she has been restored and renewed, now praising her Jesus forever.

Thank you, Lord for the precious 31 weeks I had of knowing our daughter.  Thank you for your peace that passes all understanding and the knowledge that she is safe in your care now forever.

Hugs From Heaven 
by Charlotte Anselmo 

When you feel a gentle breeze 
Caress you when you sigh 
It's a hug sent from Heaven 
From a loved one way up high. 

If a soft and tender raindrop 
Lands upon your nose 
They've added a small kiss 
As fragile as a rose. 

If a song you hear fills you 
With a feeling of sweet love 
It's a hug sent from Heaven 
From someone special up above. 

If you awaken in the morning 
To a bluebird's chirping song 
It's music sent from Heaven 
To cheer you all day long. 

If tiny little snowflakes 
Land upon your face 
It's a hug sent from Heaven 
Trimmed with Angel lace. 

So keep the joy in your heart 
If you're lonely my dear friend 
Hugs that are sent from Heaven 

A broken heart will mend.   

 
From the first moment I saw her and held her, I was in love.

Brokenhearted Love

I just came across this post on another momma's blog and it is beautiful. It's a short post about brokenhearted love, and how you can help those around you who may be in the midst of a loss.  Really, its worth the jump, I promise!   Click over to it here

He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

PS- I spent about 2 hours writing a new page for this 'ol blog and it totally got erased.  Grr.... hate it when that happens!  But be looking for a new page in the linky bar at top soon.  :-)

Heart Songs

Poetic words and beautifully written songs have an amazing way of speaking directly to my heart in times of both pain and sorrow.  Below is a collection of what I've found to be some of the most meaningful songs and quotes on this journey with Whitney.  Just click the button for whatever you are looking for...

       

And for those of you who may be experiencing (or hoping to someday experience) a rainbow baby, here is a collection of heartsongs just for you:

From St. John's!

No, I am not in St. John's (though I would LOVE to be!).  But my dear friend, Christina, Savannah's mommy, is there on vacation and sent me these beautiful pictures for Whitney's photo album.  Isn't the water there absolutely gorgeous?!  Thank you, dear friend!

There are a few more in Whitney's Name Gallery.  You can go here to see them!   

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

A Stronger Breeze

 

 

You Are A Beautiful Mother

 

To all my friends who are a part of this day, I love you.  I'm proud of you.  I am eternally grateful for you.  Though none of us ever wanted to be a part of this "baby loss mamma" club, we are.  And I know the mixed feelings about having a special mother's day all to ourselves.  But we are all still moms.  So much so, we get two days to recognize that.  Maybe an 'extra' Mother's Day is a good thing for us, because all the emotions we encompass couldn't be contained by just one day a year.  You are all beautiful mothers.  I think of your babies, playing with my Whitney... Savannah, Carli, Rachel, Kailee, Samuel, Tyler, Kendall, Alyssa, Elizabeth, Evan, Janie Beth, Pearl, Jamie... and so many others.  I long for the day when we all will have our much yearned-for play dates together in heaven.

   You all are beautiful mothers.

The Smallest Things

This weekend at our church is Baby Dedication Sunday.  Basically, rightfully proud parents parade their adorable little newborns all around church and take pictures, while the rest of the congregation ooohs-and-aaaahs at a too-cute-for-words slideshow put to some sappy music sure to make the old ladies cry.  Needless to say, I will be worshipping elsewhere this weekend.  If you say I'm avoiding things, give yourself a pat on the back.  Yep, I am.  Don't like it?  Too bad.  I don't really care.  Its bad enough the following week is Mother's Day.  My first mother's day as a mom... the first of every one to come where Whitney won't be with me.  

I remember sitting in church on Dedication Sunday last year.  I was SO SURE that we'd have a baby this year.  We were nearing our self-imposed limit on fertility treatments, and if that failed, we'd be starting an adoption.  I had calcualted the time involved in both, and just KNEW that we'd have a baby here.  And if we'd adopted and hadn't quite brought our baby home yet, we'd surely have our referral and a picture of the cute little guy to cling to.  Seriously, I was certain this would be our last baby-less Baby Dedicaiton Sunday.  

So here we are, a year later.  Despite my planning and certainty of last May, we are baby-less.  All the well-wishers tell us "You'll have another baby some day, don't worry."  But really, how does anyone know?  I'm missing Whitney a lot these days.  Reminders of our loss are everywhere... and not the sweet, 'whisper on a wind' kind of reminder of our precious girl... they're more like slaps in the face.  I'm so ready for a vacation.  Sean and I went out of town this weekend and it was really nice to get away together.  So... that's all for now.  

 "Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." 

— A.A. Milne