This weekend at our church is Baby Dedication Sunday. Basically, rightfully proud parents parade their adorable little newborns all around church and take pictures, while the rest of the congregation ooohs-and-aaaahs at a too-cute-for-words slideshow put to some sappy music sure to make the old ladies cry. Needless to say, I will be worshipping elsewhere this weekend. If you say I'm avoiding things, give yourself a pat on the back. Yep, I am. Don't like it? Too bad. I don't really care. Its bad enough the following week is Mother's Day. My first mother's day as a mom... the first of every one to come where Whitney won't be with me.
I remember sitting in church on Dedication Sunday last year. I was SO SURE that we'd have a baby this year. We were nearing our self-imposed limit on fertility treatments, and if that failed, we'd be starting an adoption. I had calcualted the time involved in both, and just KNEW that we'd have a baby here. And if we'd adopted and hadn't quite brought our baby home yet, we'd surely have our referral and a picture of the cute little guy to cling to. Seriously, I was certain this would be our last baby-less Baby Dedicaiton Sunday.
So here we are, a year later. Despite my planning and certainty of last May, we are baby-less. All the well-wishers tell us "You'll have another baby some day, don't worry." But really, how does anyone know? I'm missing Whitney a lot these days. Reminders of our loss are everywhere... and not the sweet, 'whisper on a wind' kind of reminder of our precious girl... they're more like slaps in the face. I'm so ready for a vacation. Sean and I went out of town this weekend and it was really nice to get away together. So... that's all for now.
"Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
Sending you a hug - from me to you. You're in my thoughts a lot...just wanted you to know!!!
ReplyDeleteI remember all the Baby Dedications and Mother's Days that I faced while going through infertility. I missed a lot of baby showers and general get-togethers so I could cope emotionally. So you should never feel bad about what you have to do in order to deal.
ReplyDeleteRight now my heart is breaking for you because you deserve to have Whitney in your arms.
There was one Sunday I sat in church after a miscarriage, and God did the most wonderful thing; I felt a warmth on my shoulder like a little person was laying there. It was a gift I've never forgotten. Our Father is so kind to us in our pain, and the joy that follows is unspeakable. But it's always the pain first -- sometimes so great that it feels like it will be all there ever is. It is very big, and very dark.
I wish I could wave my hand and make it all disappear (because I would in an instant!). What I can do is say this: Sheyenne, our God is faithful, and He loves you beyond all measure. And He loves me too, and I have proof!
You will feel this way until you don't feel this way anymore.
A moment is just a moment long, no longer, no shorter.
And I love you too.
xoxoxox
Big hugs tonight! You know, I think we have the ultimate baby dedication. Our little ones went straight to the arms of Jesus. Of all of the precious little ones on that stage tomorrow, Whitney has the most impact for the Kingdom. She has touched lives that you will never know about. So while you don't hold her in your arms (and I know the ache there), you should be on that stage holding her in your heart. She should be a part of that slide show. As a parent, you made the ultimate sacrifice. You dedicated her to the Lord when you chose to carry her and let God be in control. Her story did not end when she slipped from this earth. Saying a prayer for you and your husband! I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, sis. I wish I had words or even actions that could make it better for you and Sean, or better yet, to change what happened with our Whitney. I wish I could drive up there right now and spend this weekend and next with you doing all kinds of fun things to aid in the distraction. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....your pain is so real. You are wise to go with how you are feeling! Praying your heart is feeling held. Gently held, by the one who is holding Whitney too.
ReplyDeletePraying for grace in each moment.
Love,
Laura
I love you BFF....my heart breaks for you every day.
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray so fervently for you. I can't imagine how you have been/are hurting. Love and many prayers being sent your way. Any words of mine seem empty right now so I'll just breathe more prayers for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteGood for you-- you've gotta know your limits and what you can handle and not. What's amazing is that although you don't have Whitney in you arms here on earth, you have clearly dedicated her life to the Lord-- and are following through on that! Isn't that what the dedication is all about?
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