As open as some of you may think that I am on this blog, there's a whole world of emotions that I don't even begin to scratch the surface of on this blog. So if you think this little 'ol "www" is intense, you have no idea what really goes on in my heart/head. And because its not always easy for me to write exactly what I feel/think/need to say, I stumbled across a great 'copy and paste' list that applies so much to what I have been thinking lately. As humans, we're relational. No matter what we try to do to get around it, we all need each other. And sometimes, losing a baby can be alienating. Scratch that... losing a baby is always alienating. Sure, I connect with people on blogs and online who have lost little ones, but I have yet to hug a single one of them in person. A lot of times, I feel "contagious"... like people are afraid of us and our situation. I could have written this list myself, its so pertinent (but I'm glad someone else did so all I have to do is cut and paste!). So even if you don't know us, you may know someone who, at some point in your life will lose a baby. And here are some things we'd like you to know... (I've rearranged them a bit, to pertain to me personally, but they are all so true)....
20 Things parents of Angels wish you would remember:
1. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
2. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's heartbeat. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel sad that I'm no longer pregnant.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature’s way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
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I do just have to add that all of our friends-- near and far-- are such great supports to us. I know that its hard to know what to say or do... I've been in that situation too. So I'm not putting this list out there because we've been hurt by friends or anything like that...its more of just awareness of how to handle grieving friends. I know it helped me when I read it, and can be applied to more situations than just babyloss. Like I said before, I'm friends with a lot of moms who have lost their babies, and I am doubly heartbroken at some of the hurts the've suffered after their loss because of hurtful people. I am so thankful that we haven't had anything like that happen to us. It just goes to show that we really do have some of the greatest friends in the world! And I am constantly reminded of just how BIG God's Kingdom truly is. Love you all!
Thanks for sharing. I struggle with what to say or do often. But I think of you a lot. I have prayed for you and cried with you many times. Sending you a big hug!
ReplyDeleteThese are good things to know. With my niece's mom, I don't bring up Kyah because I don't want to upset her. I always think, "Maybe it's not on her mind today" and I don't want to make her sad. Should I just bring her up anyway? Should I bring her up every time I visit (which is only every few months)? What's a good way to bring her up?
ReplyDeleteSorry for so many questions. If you don't feel up to answering them, that's okay, too!