Take My Hand

Today as I was getting ready to clean our bathrooms, I was searching for a playlist to get me into "toilet scrubbing" mode.  Ok, really I was looking for something uplifting and praiseworthy as I began this not so fun, but oh so necessary task.  I did a quick search for "New Praise 2012" or something like that and came up with what looked to be a promising playlist on Spotify.  Little did I know how blessed I would be by one little song in this queue.  I love God's surprises of love at unexpected times.

I was almost done with both bathrooms; as I was mopping the floors I heard one stanza from a song with pretty music... "I'm not asking for... safety..." was all I could make out (since I was sort of just half listening, half in dream land).  I quickly made my way to the computer and hit rewind.  Here is the beautiful song that was playing:



Its called "Take My Hand" by Linsay McCaul.  Here are the lyrics:

Take My Hand -Lindsay McCaul & Jason Ingram

I heard You say it, I know You did

You called me out into the waves and wind

And for a moment I was brave and strong

But now everything is going wrong



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand



I could have stayed back where I was before

And never met You in this raging storm

You’re telling me that faith is all I need

But fear is all that I can find in me



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand





Cuz I would be ok if You’d take my hand

I wouldn’t be afraid if You’d take my hand

All would fade away if You’d take my hand

If You’d take my hand….



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take...

Won’t You please come and take…

I just need You to take my hand

_____________________

I don't know the history of this song, but if it wasn't written specifically for a baby-loss mom, God sure used it to minister straight to my aching mommy heart anyways!  As soon as I heard the line "Didn't you know I'd be scared, couldn't you see I was unprepared/ I'm not asking for reasons you hold/or the safety of land, I just need you to take my hand" my mind was transported back several years to when I was carrying Whitney.  So scared.  So unprepared.  Feeling so inadequate but through it all, feeling immensely called.  Called to carry this fragile, tiny life.  To bring light to the gift that is LIFE in all situations.  I wasn't asking for reasons why she was sick.  I didn't ask "why us"?  Our constant prayer was for God's guidance.  To take my hand.

And he did.  Every step of the way.  I think of Peter with Jesus when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water.  To the other discipled in the boat, as Peter began to go under, it must have looked like he failed.  But Peter learned a valuable lesson that day.  Even in the midst of the storm, scary winds, uncertain outcomes Jesus will always be there.  Reaching out his hand.

So many times we ask for an explanation.  We ask for God to take away the pain immediately.  We ask for a quick way out, a teleport to safety.  But that's rarely how it works.  Pain is a part of life because we are fallen people.  But God is great even in the midst of our pain.  Often, we have to walk through it to get the full blessing that lies for us at the end.  God doesn't owe us an explanation for why things happen.  Sometimes there is no other reason than one word: sin.  But the glorious part of this whole entire life we are living is that sin and death are not the end.  God wins.  Every time and ultimately in the End.  God wins.  He conquered death when he sent his son, Jesus to die on the cross.  But he didn't stay dead.  He rose from the grave, and in doing so overcame sin and separation from God!  This is Good News people!  So when we look for explanations and immediate rescue, the safety of land, if you will- that's not always how it happens.  Of course I fully believe with all my heart that God can and does heal people, even still today.  But lately I have been trying to change my prayers a bit.  They are no long "God take this away. Amen."  There's something more like, "God, I know you can heal (me, this situation, this person, etc).  I believe in your power and your goodness.  But if you choose not to do that right now, show me how I can bring glory to your name through the journey."

I know this is applicable to so many different circumstances.  Really, any trial we may face.  God is right there with us.  He knows our hearts, the fear that creeps in.  But what he wants us to know and to take advantage of is that he is always there, reaching out his hand.  We just have to take it.  I hope that sharing this blesses someone else today the way it has ministered to me.  Such a beautiful song!

Baby Loss Link-Up

Today I am linking up with other moms who have lost children from Kelly's Korner blog.  I am so thankful that Kelly is doing this... Losing a child is difficult and can be a very isolating tragedy.  It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my grief.  This is the blog my husband and I started when we found out 20 weeks into my first pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal condition called Triploidy. The doctors all told us to abort our daughter- triploidy is always, ALWAYS fatal.  Talk about no room for hope!  But my husband and I knew that we serve a God of hope, and chose instead to continue my pregnance, and let God choose when He would take her home.  We figured that we had no hand in starting her tiny little heartbeat, and we had no right to make a decision to stop it.  

There was one verse in the Bible that really helped us make the decision to continue our pregnancy...Psalm 145

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.

This showed us that for reasons beyond our comprehension, God has allowed this to happen to us.  But it also reassured us that He is GOOD to all he has made, including our baby girl.

My husband is a youth minister, and at the time I was pregnant, I worked at a crisis pregnancy center.  Some days it felt like a huge knife being thrust into my gut- seeing countless women, mostly young teenagers, who were pregnant and did not want their babies then there was me, pregnant with a baby we had longed for so much, knowing she would die.  I learned the value of life in that season, and that the Lord truly is gracious and compassionate to all His children.  In spite of my personal pain, God was teaching me to love people regardless of my circumstances. 

Throughout my pregnancy with Whitney Jill, there were many bittersweet moments.  The pain of knowing this baby would never crawl, or take her first steps, or say "mama" and "dada" was mixed with the joy of finally being pregnant after 3 long years of trying, and knowing that no matter what the outcome, we were parents!  Even though there was much sadness over what would never be, there was so much joy over the things God was teaching us through our tiny unborn baby.

Whitney was born February 11, 2010.  Her heart had stopped beating the day before I delivered her.  I was 31 weeks pregnant.  We were able to hold her, take pictures, bathe her, dress her, sing to her and kiss her.  I am forever changed because of her short life, and I know we will never forget her.

Here are some links to a few key posts:

The Beginning 

The Amnio Appointment 

Ultrasound Pictures!! 

The Diagnosis 

Maternity Pictures

Third Trimester! 

He Sings Over Me (God's Loving Care)

Day Before Delivery 

Whitney's Birth Story

The worst thing for a parent who has lost a child is the thought that that child may be forgotten.  We are blessed with some great friends who love to hear about Whitney, aren't afraid to ask questions and who will listen when I want to share something special about her.  That's another reason I think this link-up is so great... it allows us as parents to share about our children who are no longer here with us.  The truth is, I think about Whitney every single day.  Its been two years, and not a day goes by that I don't long to hold her.  So I am thankful for times like this where I can share more of my baby girl with others.

The rest of the story about us is, life does go on... we have since had another baby girl, Gianna (which means the Lord is gracious) who is completely, 100% HEALTHY and an amazing blessing to our lives.  She is a beautiful illustration of God's redeeming love.  I blog about our family life HERE.

(This is our little family on Easter!)

Girls In Galveston

I was cleaning out some of my emails today and I found this precious picture for Whitney's name gallery that I never posted.  Its from my bestie, Tracy and her girls.  They spent Thanksgiving in Galveston and she sent me this back in November.  I love how Whitney's name is written in the sand on either side of Emi.  Aside from being my best friend in the whole wide world, we also share a super special bond because we found out we were pregnant on the same day!!!  Me with Whitney and her with sweet Bella.  (Bella's the little one in the pic.)  So Bella will always have a special place in my heart because she reminds me of that awesome day, and helps me to think what Whitney would be like at her age.  Thanks so much BFF... I LYMY!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.