He Sings Over Me

I think that one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us on this earth is the gift of music. Music speaks to my heart in ways that regular words without a melody can. I keep hearing about this song "I Will Carry You" by Selah. All along, I've thought it was a different song that what it really is, so I didn't bother to listen to it or look up the words. Tonight, after reading a friend's blog, I decided, "Ok, what is this song?!" 

I knew that one of the members of the Christian group, Selah, had lost a baby. His wife carried their daughter, Audrey Caroline, despite a fatal diagnosis during pregnancy. In fact, I followHER BLOG (and you should too!).  Her blog was the first one I found of someone who had continued a pregnancy after a terrible diagnosis.  So for the first time, I listened to this song. Oh my. I know that Selah is technically "singing" this song, but friends, Jesus is singing this song over me. You have to go listen to it. I couldn't find a link to just the song, so I am putting this video on here... it is actually a video made for Audrey Caroline. I'll put the words below it, too so you can follow along... it is absolutely stunning. Oh! And one more thing, its hard to understand at the beginning, but the verse recited by the kids at the end is none other than my favorite verse, Romans 15:13. You may remember that I've written about the meaning this verse has in my life about only, oh... a million times or so. (HERE HERE and HERE just to name a few)

I Will Carry You by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but i'm not
Truth is i'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

i've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you

Another song I heard tonight was "Voice of Truth" from Casting Crowns. Unlike "I Will Carry You", I have heard this song all the time on the radio. But tonight, for some reason, as it was playing on the radio, it just sung directly to my heart. If you Google "Voice of Truth", the first link that pops up should be lala.com, from which you can play the song. There are several lines in the song that I just love, but the ones I cling to are in the chorus...

the voice of truth, tells me a different story, the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid', the voice of truth says 'this is for my glory', out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

There are so many thoughts that run through my head each day. One of the biggest thoughts in my head is fear... I am so fearful of the near future... I don't know what it looks like, how it is going to happen, or how much it is going to hurt. So much fear. But like this song reminds me, and Jesus tells me over and over in his Word... "Do not be afraid!" I need to remember to choose to listen to the voice of truth.... the voice of truth that tells me this is for HIS glory. Its not about me, my pain, my comfort... its for the glory of the kingdom. The bridge in the songs says

"I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me..."

So that is what I need to remember to do... listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me.  But first I have to STOP to listen... stop the thoughts in my head, stop giving footholds to fear, and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me.  

What does his singing sound like?  Here's just a taste of the melodies he's written for me... 

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)  Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again." (Exodus 14:13)   Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)   For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)  The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)   Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)  

99 Balloons

In a completely random conversation this morning with my good from Hopper, we were talking about our last visit to the doctor's office and just how it seems that the medical world does not understand the hope that Sheyenne and I have.  Through that conversation he asked if I had watched this video to which I replied no.  He told me to watch it which. I did and of course it made me cry like a baby.  The difference today in my tears was this; it was not sadness but joy, it was not grief but hope that made water stream from my eyes.  It is always been our prayer from the beginning that we would be able to hold our little girl and to have her see with her eyes her goofy dad and beautiful mom. 

In the back of my mind I always wonder how am I going to feel if this does not come true...and unfortunately nothing profound comes to mind.  In the end God gives and He takes away but I will still say His name is blessed and I will praise Him.  Sounds like a cliche I know but I am find with that.  I feel like I am constantly being emptied of all my strength and in that I am need to rely solely on the strength of Christ living in me.  I feel as if God is telling me to let go of the title of "dad".  All I want is to be a dad and it hurts way too much thinking that I cannot raise my little girl.  I feel God telling me that "dad" is not my true title, and in the words of my favorite author Henri Nouwen, God is telling me to become the "beloved" and that is the only title that should matter.  I have forgotten to let God love me in this time and to rest in Him.  To be honest I don't even know what that looks like because I am constantly trying to fill my mind with anything but life in its current state.  I find myself almost zombie like in the day to day at times because I try and do anything to keep the pain out.  I won't even watch movies or TV that could possibly make me cry.  God would be so mean to me if all of a sudden my Xbox started making me cry, then I would have no escape! 

Well, I am not sure how to end my ramblings for the day other than to challenge you with this: what "title" in your life are you holding on to that gets in the way of our first which is found in Christ? What do you want to be known by that is more important than simply being known by God? 

I ask that you watch this video and then pray.  Don't pray for us because I know you already have and will continue doing so, but pray for those who go to the doctor and find out their child has a problem like ours.  Pray for those who do not have the comfort that I have or the hope found in Christ.  Pray that these families will find the peace that can only come from Jesus.  Pray that they will hold value to the life that they have created and will see it to the end.  Pray that they will rest in knowing that they are God's beloved children and that that will sustain them.

 

Feeling the Love

I am completely humbled and amazed by the love we continue to receive from so many friends and family members.  Your prayers and words of encouragement mean the world to us.  While I may not respond to every single person right now, please know that we feel your prayers, we keep your loving comments and messages and emails and are treasuring all of them.  Honestly, most days, I don't feel strong.  I don't feel courageous or brave.  Most of the time, I feel like I am just clinging with all I have to His Word and His promises, and that is what gets me through the day.  And please know that your prayers and encouragement helps.

Throughout this time in our life, I'm discovering more things that I just absolutely LOVE about our God.  One of the things that I love and appreciate about him so much is how he knows EXACTLY what we need, and he uses his children to be his messengers.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been struggling with a specific thought or feeling, and without fail, God has sent a person into my life to either send a message, lift up a prayer or encourage me with the perfect Bible verse for the moment.  

I often worry that Whitney won't be "real"... that she will be forgotten.  I know this is silly, because Sean and I could never forget her, but I'm just afraid that for everyone who doesn't get to hold her and know her will forget that she is real.  That's why I am hoping and praying that we will have enough notice of her birth for my parents and in-laws to get here.  (My folks are flying in from Egypt and my in-laws will be coming from Ohio!)  That's why the maternity photos we took are so precious to me.  They show the she is here with us and that she is real.  Most people wouldn't understand this feeling, but God has sent a wonderful woman into my life who totally "gets it."

Her name is Christina, and she lost her dear daughter, Savannah, to Triploidy a little over a year ago.  She carried her baby as long as she could, 27 weeks, until God took her home.  She knows so many of the thoughts and emotions (rational or irrational) I am going through and is such a blessing.  Though we live in completely different parts of the country, our stories are so similar.  Her strength and perserverance continues to give me hope that things will get better.  She continually reminds me that our God has a plan, and though we may not ever fully now his ways in this matter, he continues to love us more than we know.  

She sent me this beautiful prayer shawl that she knitted... butterflies came to have a special meaning to her on her journey, as she thought about the new creation that Savannah now was in Heaven.  So the prayer shawl has a precious little butterfly on it.  She sent it to me so that I can always feel wrapped in the arms of God, and surrounded by prayer.  Just another amazing example of how God uses his children to be messengers of comfort, love and hope.  I took the shawl with me when we took our maternity photos, she here are a couple shots with it.  Christina, I am forever thanking God for you, your friendship, and your willingness to so frankly share in my journey.  And I am thankful for Savannah, your precious angel, and the wisdom that she brought to you,the joy she brought, and the new creation she has become.  

 

 

  

(You can click on the pics for a bigger version to see detail of the butterfly.  So pretty!  Also, these are from the pictures that Hannah G Photography did for us.  Thank-you, Hannah!) 
 

3rd Trimester Already?!

So I am officially into my third and final trimester now!  I can't believe so much time has passed since we got our first ever positive pregnancy test!  I have such mixed emotions... most women, by this point, are so ready for the whole pregnancy to be over.  Ready to eat sushi, drink cosmos and paint their own toe nails.  While I share these senitments to a certain degree, the greater part of me is not ready to part with Whitney.  Aside from a miracle (for which we are still praying), the end of my pregnancy means the end of our time on earth with her.  And no part of me will ever be ready for that.  

We went to the dr. again today and again heard a strong heartbeat!  We had a good talk with Dr. D about our delivery options, and we are feeling much better about staying with him for the duration of this pregnancy.  We talked about transferring me to a high risk doctor, but the high risk doctor didn't see a need to take over my care.  My doctor, Dr. D, then told me that he would have loved to transfer my care because this is a sad situation, and he'd like to be out of it.  Then, almost as an after-thought he said, "I'm sure you guys would like to be out of this situation, too."  You think?  Um, yeah.  Thanks doc.  Bedside manner aside, though, I really feel that he is going to continue to give us great care and he is really listening to what we want.  We're also going to have another high level ultrasound at Valley Children's soon.  So its good to feel like we're working together and being heard.  Also, it was good to make it through some difficult discusions without breaking into tears.  I think our strong disposition helped the doctor feel more at ease in talking frankly with us, too.

On another note... today is the 37th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision.  I've been a part of the pro-life movement for years, but never before has the sanctity of human life ever had such meaning to me personally.  The Feminists for Life organization uses the slogan, "Abortion is evidence that we have not met the needs of women."  I completely agree.  While I believe that there is still a long way to go in meeting the healthcare needs of women, I also believe that abortion or termination is never the answer-- no matter what the circumstances.  Multiple times a week, I hear this statement from clients: "I don't believe in abortion, but in this case...."  Abortion is seen as a gray area in difficult circumstances.  Women are advised every day by their doctors to compromise their beliefs in the midst of tragic circumstances.  And more times than not, that advice is followed.  I remember leaving the children's hospital after finding out that our little girl was so sick and being told to terminate little Whitney.  Sean and I earnestly talked about our options, and desperately tried to see a 'gray area' in this issue...some way out of OUR pain and preventing pain to our little one.  But when we sincerely sought God and searched our hearts for what we knew to be true, it was evident all along that there really is NO gray area.  There's no gray area because this life really isn't about US.  Its about bringing GLORY to His name.  And somehow, through this difficult time, through our daughter's short life, God will be glorified, even if it is only in us being faithful to what we know to be true.  This is not a situation that has an 'exception to the rule.'  It truly is a black and white issue.  

As a Christian, it is difficult to declare that there are absolute truths.  Absolutes are hard for me to claim, because I like to please everyone and offend no one.  It is uncomfortable to take a stance that could be perceived as uncaring or legalistic: Stealing is always wrong (even when you give it to the poor).  Adultery is never justified (even if your spouse cheats on you first).  You shall have no other gods before God (surely your job, computer, school, etc doesnt' justify as a god, right?). Jesus is the only way to heaven (no matter how much humanitarian good you may do).  Not popular stances to take.  The same is true with abortion/termination... what about rape?  incest?  deformities?  financial woes?  certain death to the infant?  a teenage mom?  I don't claim to have all the answers, and I would be impudent to suggest that such decisions are easy.  They are not.  I don't know why such seemingly unfair things happen, other than the fact that we live in a fallen world.  But as believers who are meant to be a LIGHT to this dark world, we are to remain faithful to the truths that have no gray.  

James 4:17
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."

Maternity Pics!

If you follow my 365 blog, you know that yesterday, we took some maternity photos with Hannah Gaul. It was so much fun! She knew of a beautiful spot in the foothills of Friant and we had a blast shooting with her (even if Sean and I were both pretty dorky the whole time). She made us feel so at ease and just really had fun! I would totally recommed Hannah G photography if you need any kind of pictures! You should visit her website and check out some of her other work... family portraits, friends, seniors, love, etc. Its all great! Thank-you Hannah!

Hannah G Photography website.

Here's a few shots from yesterday....

 

String Of Pearls

As I talk to people in the medical field, and who have been through situations similar to our's, I am finding out just how rare our circumstances are.  Not many women choose to continue pregnancies knowing that the outcome will be fatal to their child, and because of that, there is not a lot of information or support readily available.  However, I have found a couple of EXCELLENT resources that I just feel so blessed by.  One of those organizations is called String of Pearls...

I came home last night after a very tiring 10+ hour day. It was a good day, but very late and very tiring. I was so thrilled when I saw the big box on my kitchen counter and I knew right away who it was from! There is a wondeful, amazing organization called String of Pearls. It is an online organization that offers support to women who are carrying to term despite a fatal prenatal diagnosis. I have been in email contact with the founder of the organization, Laura. She offered to send me a memory kit, filled with things to help me make memories with Whitney after she is born.

There are packets of 3D gel so that we can make a 3-dimensional mold of both her hands and her feet; there's a little package of Sculpey clay for us to make hand and foot imprints; a big ceramic ornamet with paint and paintbrush for us to put her footprints and handprints on.... then we just take it to one of the pottery places and have it fired! She also sent a teeny hat for Whitney, a photo album, a journal and devotional book for me, and some wild mint tea, which will help decrease my milk supply and hopefully ease some of the physical pain that comes with that. She also gave me some great suggestions for other ways to make memories with Whitney... buy a blanket both for her and for me (I am going to keep the one my sis gave her, then Sean and I are going to get one that she can be wrapped in and that will stay with her), bring an ink pad so we can stamp her footprints in the front of our Bibles (I LOVE this idea!), and make matching mom and daughter bracelets.

Words cannot express my gratitude to Laura and her heart for women like me. Afterall, she knows how I feel better than most people, because she lost her daughter, Pearl right after she was born. She sent all of those things to me completely free of charge. Laura has also put me in contact with a woman who has lost her daughter to Triploidy... it is so rare to go this far in a pregnany with triploidy, so it has really helped to talk to someone else who has been through something similar.

You can check out her website here... String of Pearls.

Sadness

What's funny is I have wanted to write on this blog for awhile, but never really felt like I had much to say.  To be honest, I still don't feel that way simply for the pain that is in my heart.  So, if you are reading this feel no pressure to continue for I do not know if there can be any profound nugget found today.  This truly is my hope to release some of the pain that is on my heart.

I cannot begin to describe what it feels like to wake up every morning knowing that your child is going to die.  This is a truth for us all, I realize, but one that is approaching in my life.  Again, we all know that death is always on the horizon, but I feel that this is different.  I can imagine "normal" parents seeing their new born and dreaming of the future for them; teaching them to read, drive, play games, first days of school, graduation, and so on.  I dream of seeing my daughter breathe, holding my finger, and if I am lucky a smile.  I wonder who does she look like and will we even be able to tell? 

Lately I have just hurt and really I don't even want to get out of bed.  Thankfully Chick-Fil-A is tempting me with free breakfast each morning so I usually get up with that in mind. 

I was listening to a song last night in which the phrase "death has lost its sting" was sung.  Not sure how I feel about that one, I am pretty sure I feel the sting right now, and we haven't even dealt with her death yet (at least in a physical way because emotionally we deal with it every day). I realize that the phrase comes from Paul who is talking about the sting of death in regards to sin, but the sting I feel is different.  Thankfully I do know that physical death is but a sting for I live in the power of Christ.  Just as a bee sting hurts a lot at first, the pain will eventually go away and all that remains is a bump which too will fade away.  Death hurts.  I wish that the pain went away as quickly as a bee sting, but it does not.  This sting lingers for quite some time and the bump that it leaves probably will never vanish from our lives.  I do know from my past that this pain will eventually go away and come back and go away and come back, but I know that Whitney's death is just a sting.  I have the hope and assurance of Christ to know that her death is just a sting and not something that will last forever, because the funniest part of all, is she will have no clue as she is made perfect with Christ.  It is us poor saps here on earth that must endure the pain as we wait to join her on the other side of eternity.

Well, if you continued to read I am not sure how you are feeling, but to be honest I feel a little better. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for my wonderful wife who is so beautiful as she carries little Whit with her everywhere she goes.  It is fun experiencing life with both of them and trying to enjoy what God has blessed us with.  I talked to Whitney last night and told her that I loved her and that she had the best mommy ever, and that I have the best wife ever.  Continue praying for us all and that by God's miraculous hand I can look at this post in a few months and rejoice that God is not as fatalistic as I am.    :)

Baby Talk

I was at work late tonight, and feeling really pregnant today so I thought I'd take a picture and share. :-) Yesterday, I totally didn't feel or look pregnant at all. So I was happy when I woke up and my belly was tight. Luckily, these pants still fit though. :-) As I was driving home tonight, I cranked up some Garth Brooks and told Whitney about her 'roots'... how her mamma is just a country girl from Oklahoma who loves Garth and Reba and would totally take her to Vegas to see (ok, hear) Garth's new concert if I could travel. (We still plan on doing that this year... maybe! hopefully!) I told her how I love tornado season and the wide-open, hay-filled green fields that line I-44. I told her how much she would love stopping for donuts at QuikTrip every Sunday morning (and Tuesday afternoon, and Wednesday evening, and... well... anytime we were close to a QT!). I told her how much fun snow is and how cute she'd be all bundled up in a snow suit.  I told her how beautiful Woodward Park is in Spring, when the azaleas are in bloom, and how I long to take her there for Easter pictures.  I told her about the cows Gran and DeDad used to raise and how much fun I had as a little girl during calving season, naming every single new calf that was born. I told her how cute she'd look in little cowgirl boots and how I'm sure she'd love country music as much as I do. However, I also made sure to tell her that as much as I do love Oklahoma, the real "OSU" would always have to be THE Ohio State University and we never, ever say "Boomer Sooner" in our house. Or wear Texas orange. She was moving the whole drive home. And it was wonderful.

Big Picture Prayers

This past weekend at church, Matt Proctor, president of both Sean and I's alma mater (Ozark Christian College) preached a wonderful sermon on the power of a praying church.  He reminded us that God delights in answering our prayers.  God just loves it when we ask for something in His name and He fulfills it.  And I truly believe that there is no prayer He loves to answer more than the prayers for lost souls to come to Him.  Matt's message this weekend really challenged me... what are my prayers about?  How big are my prayers?  Are my prayers concerned with the 'bigger picture' or just the 'here and now'?

Lately, of course, my prayers have been centered around Whitney.  For God to perform a miracle, to completely heal her... to somehow take away that complete extra set of chromosomes so that she can live a full, long, healthy and happy life on this earth with us.  This would be a 'here and now' answer to prayer.  I completely believe that my God is big enough, strong enough, and GOD enough to do this.  And I know that many times, God does see fit to answer these 'here and now' prayers for earthly healing.  But I also know that my prayer may not be answered in the way that I want it to be answered.  God's answer to my prayers for Whitney may come in the form of a much 'bigger picture' answer.  The tough thing about the 'bigger picture' answer to prayer is that we don't always see the answer right away, or perhaps even in this lifetime.  When the heaviness of the day to day tasks sink in, it can be hard to cling to the big picture answers. 

What are these 'big picture' answers to prayer?  I think that more times than not, the 'big picture' answers to 'here and now' prayers are generally fulfilled in hearts being turned toward Christ.  And as I am slowly (and ashamedly sometimes reluctantly) learning, there truly is no greater thing, no bigger answer to prayer than for another person to come to know the love of our Savior.  I know that as we encounter the weeks and months ahead that we will meet many people-- doctors, nurses, etc-- who do not know Christ.  If there could be any 'big picture' answer to our prayers for Whitney, it would be that because of her short life, and the hope that Sean and I and all of our friends and family have in Christ, that someone may come to know this same hope in Him.  I don't know how heaven works, but how great would it be for that individual who comes to know Christ through the testimony of Whitney to get to see her again in heaven?  

As my husband reminds me all the time, Whitney is going to be fine.  And we are going to be fine.  There is a greater day coming, when there will be no more tears, no more sorrow, no more loss and empty arms.  There is a great day coming when we will all be reunited at the feet of our Father.  But there are many people, so many people who have yet to discover the hope of this glorious day.  So I need to be praying specifically for the people we will meet and even my some of my deareset friends who have yet to receive Christ... praying 'big picture' prayers that God will work all of this to the good of those who love Him.

So if you are wondering about a way you can pray for us, it would be that we can keep in mind the bigger picture.  I'll be honest, in the day to day things we have to deal with, I often lose sight of this big picture.  When I am sad and upset, the 'big picture' idea doesn't always seem to help.  Colossians 4:2-6 has become a prayer of mine, and one that I would love for you to pray for us as well.  Here it is:

^"2Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ³And pray for us, too,that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains.⁴Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. ⁵Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. ⁶Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Pray that God will open doors for us to share the reason for our hope.  Pray that we will have clarity of thought and mind when those opportunities do arise.  Pray that in the midst of our sadness, we may still be able to proclaim the Good News of Christ.  Pray that we will be full of grace in our speech and in our actions.  And pray for the hearts of those that have yet to know Christ.