What's In A Name?

I've mentioned a lot in our blog posts this thing called a "Name Gallery."  A lot of you may be wondering, what the heck is it?  I woundered that too the first time I saw one.

Before I had Whitney, I saw some baby loss blogs with the name gallery, and I didn't really 'get it'.  But the second Whitney was born and I went home with empty arms, I 'got it.'  Having someone send a picture with your baby's name on it means that for the time it took to snap a picture, someone else was thinking of your baby.  And that means the world to a mom who can no longer hold her little one. 

If you want to do this and are not quite sure what to do... here's the scoop:  If you're somewhere cool (like the beach on vacation) and you think about it, would you write Whitney's name somewhere, snap a picture and send it to me?  Or if you see the name "Whitney" on a street sign, billboard, etc, you can do the same.  You can also write her name in creative ways... on flowers... with blocks or magnets, etc.  My email address is:

sheyennew (at) gmail (dot) com

I'll then add her picture to the name gallery, along with a little bit of info on who sent it to us.  I'm eventually going to print these all off in a photo book, as a reminder of all the wonderful people who loved Whitney.  

You can see all of her name pictures HERE in her name gallery.  

From Miss Linda

One of my parents' friend from their church in Tulsa sent us these great pictures for Whitney's Name Gallery.  Miss Linda took the time to make this for us at their church's VBS program this summer.  (Cool side note: their VBS theme this year was "Egypt"!  It was all about the life of Joseph and I hear it was pretty awesome!)  Thank you Linda for thinking of us and taking the time to do this for us!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

Forest of Friends

This beautiful name picture was taken by Kristin, another Angel Baby mom.  She has started a forest of angel names and it is just stunning.  It is sad, because there are so many names, but it is a great reminder that I am not alone in this journey.  You should click over to her blog and check out THE FOREST.  A beautiful way to remember all the little ones who are gone from this life but certainly not forgotten.  I love the way so many angel moms choose to remember their babies.

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

Sourpatch Joy

A lot of what I’ve been writing lately has been focused on my grief… I was just reading some of the last few posts I’ve written and they’re riddled with sadness and loss.  Though I am missing my baby terribly today, I am in awe of the intense joy that I also feel every single time I think about her.   As I reflect back on our journey thus far, I am so thankful for the joy that permeates through every circumstance.  The day I found out I was pregnant was by far one of the greatest days of my life.  So much joy filled my heart, my mind, our home, and our lives.  Feeling Whitney kick and move for the very first time was another great moment—a moment I would have never experienced had I chosen to terminate when we were told to.  Sean and I had Christmas as a family of 3 for the first time ever.  (Granted, Whitney was in my tummy… but still… there were three beating hearts around our Christmas tree this year (ok, 5 if you count our cats)!)  And another joyous moment… I got to hold my baby—MY baby!  There were times in recent years when I wondered if I would ever get to hold a little one in my arms, searching to see whose smile, whose eyes, whose lips, etc she would have.  And God did give me that opportunity. 

Many babies with Whitney’s condition, triploidy, miscarry in the first few weeks of pregnancy, and almost always within the first trimester.  But one of the verses that I continually prayed was Exodus 23:26… “None will miscarry or be barren in your land.  I will give you a fill life span.”  I read this verse to Sean in the same breath that I told him I was pregnant.  I believe with all my heart that God allowed us to experience the fullness of Whitney’s life during my pregnancy because we prayed this prayer, over and over.  Some say to me now, “How could God allow this?  Aren’t you mad at him because this happened?”  I absolutely see where they’re coming from.  And that’s definitely one way to look at it.  But we’ve chosen to see it from the other side… God is the one who gave us so many blessings, despite the horrible circumstances.  When the odds were that I would have miscarried, God allowed us more time with Whitney.  More time to feel her, to know her, to grow to love her. 

Some people have commented that it would have just been easier if we had miscarried earlier, or chosen to terminate when we were told to.  There were times in the midst of my pregnancy when I thought about that and wondered if it were true.  However, now that I’ve held her, that I was able to actually give birth to her when my body was ready, I completely disagree.  It would have been a million times harder had we not seen her life through to completion in the way we did.  During the pregnancy there were a million unknowns… would there be a heartbeat at my next dr. appt?  What would she look like?  What deformities would she have, if any?  When would I go into labor?  How would it happen?  Would I need surgery?  Will Whitney be born alive?  So many unknowns, at times it was unbearable.  I learned that truly, I am not in control of anything.  A good friend (who also lost her son to triploidy) put it to me this way:  When something terrible like the death (or illness) of a baby happens we have two options—we can either grasp more wildly for control that will never come, or we can completely let go.  By letting go of all control in the situation, there was such a release… a freedom I had not felt thus far in my pregnancy.  I rested a little better knowing that I was not the one making the decisions about my baby’s life and death.  It was ultimately up to God.  I would do all I could to take care of the life He had entrusted to us, for as long as God would allow.  And when the time was right (in Creator of the universe’s timeline, of course), indeed, God did deliver us from all the unknowns.  I think one of the most comforting things for me, personally, was having all those unknowns answered.  I was able to see her (she was beautiful, perfect… no deformities on the outside like the doctors had told us there would be), hold her, and see who this little person was that had forever rocked our world.  We had closure to the months and months of questions.  If we had chosen to end it all when the doctors told us to, all those unknowns would still exist.  No answers.  No closure.  No peace.  I would forever wonder what she looked like, how far she would have made it.  To me, that is one of the biggest blessings that came from all of this.

So even now when I think of our daughter, I am filled with such a strange mix of emotions.  It’s like those Sourpatch Kids candies… they can’t decide if they want to be sweet or sour.  Sometimes they’re sourer than sweet, other times, it’s just the opposite.  Bittersweet.  But I don’t even like that word… it’s just terribly insufficient to express the true depth of such strong emotions.  I do know that when I really dissect the feelings, though, in almost every moment there is deep, permeating, underlying joy that runs through everything.  Sometimes, when things are really tough, joy is too strong of a word—I guess in those moments “peace” is more succinct.  So I hope that even though I have been sharing a lot of my grief as of late, please understand I still wouldn’t take it back for one second.  And I would do it all over again if I had to; just the way we did it the first time.  There is no greater peace than walking through a nightmare, having to make horrific, unthinkable decisions, but emerging in the end knowing that you did everything in alliance with the core of your being.   

Purifying Hope

the Hope Diamond 

I love Oswald Chambers.  He never fails to supply a swift kick in the rear when I need it (and oftentimes, when I don't need it).  I read this just today:

"If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified.  There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled.  One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God.  "Because thou hast kept the word of my patience." Remain spiritually tenacious." Oswald Chambers

I love that first line, and its what caught my attention as I was merely browsing a book... "If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified."  That's an interesting concept, purifying hopes.  I've read and pondered a lot about purifying the heart, the mind, the soul, etc... but hopes?  That's one I've never given much thought or prayer to.  I've simply thought that our hopes are placed there by God for a reason.  I still think that God places desires in our hearts for a reason. However, I'm beginning to realize that when those desires don't materialize in the manner or timeframe that I would like them to, it's nothing to get frustrated about... I need to lean even more on the understanding that God's timing is perfect and pray for the refining of that hope. 

"14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:14-21

And now paraphrased:

God laughs at odds.  No matter how big the dream, how huge the request, how lofty the hope or even  how statisticaly impossible the task, He can do it-- and infinitely immeasurably more.  May God ne seen for how great He really is!

 
Ephesians 3:20 (paraphrase)

Diamonds are formed very deep within the earth in high pressure, high temperature conditions... much like gold and silver are refined by the 'refiner's fire' that even refernced in Scripture.  Furthermore, diamonds are brought closer to Earth's surface through deep volcanic eruptions (more heat and refining) by magma.  Through all that heat and pressure, they are refined and realized (brought to the surface), much like God promises to do with our hopes. 

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my baby daddy.  It really sucks that you can't hold your daughter on your first Father's Day.  It really sucks you didn't get a card with scribbles from her on it.  It really sucks that all you get is a picture frame filled with memories of the past instead of a picture frame waiting to be filled with moments in the future.  I love you.  You are a dad, even though I know you don't feel like it... You are Whitney's Daddy.  I know she loves you and could hear you talk to her.  I cherish the daddy/daughter dates I got to overhear when you talked to my tummy late at night.  I love you, my baby daddy.

Angel Stones

Here is a beautiful addition for Whitney's NAME GALLERY from Laken's mommy Melissa, at Angel Stones.  Thank you so much, Melissa!!

 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

20 Things I Wish You'd Remember...

As open as some of you may think that I am on this blog, there's a whole world of emotions that I don't even begin to scratch the surface of on this blog.  So if you think this little 'ol "www" is intense, you have no idea what really goes on in my heart/head.  And because its not always easy for me to write exactly what I feel/think/need to say, I stumbled across a great 'copy and paste' list that applies so much to what I have been thinking lately.  As humans, we're relational.  No matter what we try to do to get around it, we all need each other.  And sometimes, losing a baby can be alienating.  Scratch that... losing a baby is always alienating.  Sure, I connect with people on blogs and online who have lost little ones, but I have yet to hug a single one of them in person.  A lot of times, I feel "contagious"... like people are afraid of us and our situation.  I could have written this list myself, its so pertinent (but I'm glad someone else did so all I have to do is cut and paste!).  So even if you don't know us, you may know someone who, at some point in your life will lose a baby.  And here are some things we'd like you to know... (I've rearranged them a bit, to pertain to me personally, but they are all so true)....

20 Things parents of Angels wish you would remember:

1. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

2. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me. 

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8.  I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby.  The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's heartbeat. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. 

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel sad that I'm no longer pregnant.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature’s way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

_______________________________________________

I do just have to add that all of our friends-- near and far-- are such great supports to us.  I know that its hard to know what to say or do... I've been in that situation too.  So I'm not putting this list out there because we've been hurt by friends or anything like that...its more of just awareness of how to handle grieving friends.  I know it helped me  when I read it, and can be applied to more situations than just babyloss.  Like I said before, I'm friends with a lot of moms who have lost their babies, and I am doubly heartbroken at some of the hurts the've suffered after their loss because of hurtful people.  I am so thankful that we haven't had anything like that happen to us.  It just goes to show that we really do have some of the greatest friends in the world!  And I am constantly reminded of just how BIG God's Kingdom truly is.  Love you all!

From the Jepsens

My cousin-in-law, Melissa and her kids sent this great name pic of Whitney to me!  I love the legos!!  Especially the purple... who knew they made purple legos?  Cool!

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Show Me the Way

 

Early this morning (at 2 a.m.) I had to take Sean to the ER.  He had surgery on both ankles when he was younger, and in recent weeks its been hurting him more and more.  Last night, he woke up and couldn't even walk.  The pain was too much for us to wait until morining when Urgent Care opened.  We went to the same hospital where Whitney was born, and of course it brought back a lot of memories.  Strangely, they were good memories (well, as good as they could be).  While we were waiting, Brahm's Lullaby came over the speakers, meaning a baby had just been born.  It made me wonder if they played the music when Whitney was born.  I don't think they did.   I miss WHitney so much right now.  I feel like I had a couple of decent months, especially considering I started back to work and several of my close friends have welcomed newborns in those months.  But now... I'm at a loss again.  Questions of the future haunt me... Will we ever get our chance to drive to the hospital in the middle of the night with a car seat in the back?  Will they ever play a lullaby over the loudspeaker for our baby?  Will we ever leave the hospital as a bigger family than when we entered?  Such a vacant hole fills my heart. 

After a really long night of waiting and waiting amongst a bunch of crazy and sick people, I left to go find a bathroom.  (No way was I going to use one in the hospital!)  So I drove to Starbucks, and on my way back to the hospital, I drove a little past where I usually turn in... towards the mountains.  I started driving down the road, and the sun was just behind the mountains, its rays already spilling over the summit and onto the valley below.  Less than a minute or two later, the sun was cresting above the peaks.  Morning had come.  I wish I could say that it made me feel all better, that my heart no longer hurt or felt broken.  But it didn't.  I still hurt.  There's still a hole.  But seeing the rising sun did remind me that Jesus is light, and light- by its very nature- floods the darkness, consumes it.  (I snapped a picture on my cell phone, thus the poor quality of the photo.)

Lord, I know some day your light will flood even the darkest corners of the hole in my heart.  Please hasten that day!  For now, though, I will rest in knowing you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Thank you for the reminder of your unfailing love, but please God, please... show me the way I should go.  I helplessly lift up my soul to you.

From The Ozans

My good friend, Kathryn, recently sent me these pictures for Whitney's Name Gallery.  We actually met when I was filling in as a temp for her when she was pregnant!  The rest, as they say, is history and we've been friends ever since!  She is now a busy mom of two little ones, so I know that taking the extra time to do this for us wasn't easy!  Thank you so much, friend, for thinking about us and for taking a few minutes to let us know it!  Love you!

We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.  Thank you for letting us know you are thinking of us and praying for us.  We appreciate it more than we could ever tell you!!

  

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

From Amarillo, TX

My dear friend Marley sent us these pictures (see all four of them in Whit's Name Gallery) for Whitney's name gallery... she is originally from Amarillo, and here is what she wrote in her email:

I tried to think of a good place for Whitney's name- somewhere iconic, and somewhere fun. I was in Amarillo two weeks ago, and went to the Cadillac Ranch- you know, the giant field where the town rich crazy man bought a bunch of Cadillacs and stuck them in the ground. I painted her name on one of them- it's hard to read, since the wind was blowing 40 mph (hey, it was Texas!), but I still hope they make you smile.

It definitely did make me smile!  I love these pictures and think this is absolutely awesome!  Thank you so much, Marley!!

 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

From NYC

Our friend, Heidi, sent us this picture for Whitney's name gallery all the way from NYC.  Heidi lived in NYC for several years, and has since moved.  But she recently revisited the "big city" and she told us that this was her first stop when she returned!  Thanks so much for thinking of us, friend!!

 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Long Time, No Blog

Long time no blog, right?  Well I have good reason... The past two weeks, Sean and I have been visiting my parents in Egypt!  It was an awesome time and so great to be with my parents again.  It was difficult, too, though because both Sean and I were acutely aware that we would not have made the trip if Whitney were still with us.  It really was a trip of a lifetime, though!  Its good to be home, but I miss Whitney so much right now I can hardly catch my breath.  I'll update more later, but here's a couple of pictures we took.