Our Wave of Light 2012

CYG: Treasured Item

This is the bunny that Sean and I got for Whitney before she was born.  People had told me that I should bring a stuffed animal with me to the hospital when she was born so that I wouldn't have empty arms.  You know, since my baby wouldn't be coming home with me.  We picked this precious bunny out at Anthropologie and have cherished it ever since.  When Whitney was born, we took pictures of Bunny holding her.  When I handed Whitney over, out of my arms for the last time, I clung to this bunny with all my might.  Bunny has snuggled between Sean and me on cold, rainy days when we missed her so much. And now, Gia love this bunny.  She lays on top of it and squeezes with all her might.  I love telling her about her big sister when she does this.  

International Wave of Light 2012

Tomorrow, October 15th is the International Wave of Light.  Its a day where everyone in their own respective time zone lights a candle at 7 p.m. in memory of the little ones who have passed away.  You leave the candle burning for at least an hour.  The effect results in a 24 hour wave of light across the world in memory of our babies.  I'll be lighting a candle for Whitney and all of her precious baby friends who have gone on before us.  Will you take a couple minutes to light a candle in her memory, too?  And if you do, I'd love to see a picture.  

CYG: Before Loss Self Portrait

This is a picture that my dad took of me while we were in Germany, the summer of 2001.  My whole family went on a European vacation that was a whirlwind art tour of some of the greatest museums in the world.  It was truly spectacular, and the trip of a lifetime.  I'd always had the wanderlust bug lying dormant in my soul, and this trip awakened it.  It was such a beautiful summer, one that I'll always remember.  It has nothing really to do with baby loss, other than the fact that it is a good reminder of the "me" I was before.  

Here's another "before loss" picture.  We were such babies in this picture!  It was taken either shortly before or shortly after we were married (I don't quite remember!).  Sometimes after loss, a marriage can get lost.  Husband and wife can begin to war against each other, rather than fighting for one another.  But I am so thankful for this man, my husband.  Throughout our whole pregnancy with Whitney, Sean was by my side 100% and then some.  The entire experience brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined.  He is the only one in the whole world who knows exactly how I feel about losing Whitney, and I am thankful for the nights he holds me while I cry.  I'm thankful for the unexpected times he mentions her name.  And I'm thankful for the joy with which we recall God's goodness in the midst of that trial.  We were both different people before our loss, but thankfully and only by the grace of God, we have changed together.  

CYG: After Loss Self Portrait

This is my fridge at the moment.  You can see Gia's most recent drawings proudly displayed, and right in the middle is a photocopy of Whitney's footprints, along with the name & phone number of the tattoo artist who is going to permanently draw them on my skin. (That's the purple dot... figured Ron didn't want the whole interwebs to have his cell phone number.) The perfect mingling of loss and restoration.  Grace and redemption.  And God's eternal goodness displayed on my fridge right now.  (Thank-you God for these simple, daily reminders of what you have brought us through.)

This picture was taken before the first Walk to Remember that Sean & I attended.  We drove down to L.A. to attend a Walk that one of my online Baby Loss Mommy friends was hosting.  She asked me to be the speaker for the event and I was thrilled!  I was also very newly pregnant with Gianna!  So this is a very precious picture for me.  We weren't telling too many people about the pregnancy at this point, but you can see a little bit of a 12 week or so belly here.  This whole season was such a collision of emotions... joy and grief in their entangled, elaborate dance.  

This was at the String of Pearls retreat in Frisco, Colorado that I attended in November 2010.  Still just 16 weeks pregnant with Gia, I was able to meet the two most amazing women I know.  They both walked my journey of loss with me, loving and praying for me from across the country.  God. is. so. good.

This is a selfie I took while in Colorado... this California girl was SO STOKED to see snow.  It was beautiful and absolutely breathtaking.  

Finally, one more "after loss" portrait.  I took this picture of us on Christmas Day.  After opening our presents and stuff, Sean & I headed out to Whitney's Lake.  It was so beautiful that afternoon.  We wished so much that we were still at home, knee deep in wrapping paper and playing with a 7 month old baby girl.  But instead, it was just us.  We were grateful to have each other, and to have "our" place.  

CYG: Sunrise

CYG: Sunrise

I saw this sunrise just a few months after Whitney was born.  I wrote about it HERE.  I'm rarely up for the sunrise, but when I am, its breathtaking.  

October Baby Loss Month: Capture Your Grief

*deep breath*

October is baby loss awareness month.  3 years ago, this month meant nothing to me, other than Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I knew people wore pink to support a cause, but I wasn't personally connected to that.  This month- October- as baby loss awareness month, meant nothing to me until, well, until I lost a baby.  

I love Fall.  Everything about it... the colors, the smells, the cooler temps, the pumpkin spice everything.  But inevitably, there's a moment the comes every October that hits me like a ton of bricks.  Its that moment where I remember, amidst all the warm fuzzies of Fall, that the cold is coming.  In addition to an increase of reminders of my status as a "baby loss mom", the cold month of February is just around the corner.  The month our Whitney was born and died.  Don't get me wrong- there is so much beauty in our story... the grace of God's timing, the goodness His sovereignty, the beauty of Whitney herself.  But it hurts.  It hurts a lot. Ten months our of the year, life seems to lug along, business as usual.  But October and February hard.  They're reminders of what we had and no longer hold in our arms.  

In the past, I've tried to blog through the month-- without much success.  So I'm not setting any time limit on anything or saying that I'll be writing every day.  With a busy toddler, that's just unrealisitic.  But I do want to participate in something that Carly Marie is doing with Project Heal called "Capture Your Grief."  If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a couple photos with that hashtag.  Its a great set of photo prompts to encourage remembering our children who have passed away.  I eventually want to get to them all, so know that I am working on it. Here's the line-up for this month.   

So I'm still here.  Surviving and thriving, but missing her, too.