Normal With A Side Of "Suck"

I know this isn't the most eloquent or politically correct way to say this, but sometimes, things just suck.  I know Shannon Wendt would tell me that the only proper use of the word 'suck' is to use it in verb form, in relation to your vaccuum cleaner.  But, I'm choosing to use it in the "this-is-no-fun" context for the time being.

Have I mentioned that I love my job?  I work at a pregnancy care center, where we try to provide men and women with the resources, tools and knowledge that they need to choose life for the unborn babies.  We have nurses onsite who do ultrasounds, and just this past week, they did an ultrasound on me so I could see little Whitney again.  It was so much fun!  We saw her tiny fingers, hands, toes and feet and watched her as she wiggled around inside of me.  For the longest time, we couldn't find her legs and feet... I knew they were there because they'd been kicking me, but we just couldn't see them on the ultrasound.  Finally, after moving the wand to a different angle, we figured out where her feet were... they were CLEAR OVER HER HEAD!  She was laying on her back (breech) with her hands and feet both up by her head!  Silly little pretzel girl.  :-)  But it was fun.  For just a little window of time, I felt like a 'normal' pregnant woman, just enjoying the reassuring sight of her baby's heart beating.  Of course i saw the things on the ultrasound that aren't 'normal'-- she has essential no amniotic fluid, some of her facial structures are a little 'off' and her belly is still smaller than her head and limbs-- but I was able to overlook that and just see the beauty that is her life.

Later that evening, I was telling Sean about the ultrasound.  (He wasn't able to be there- his best friend's wife had a baby that day so he was helping to watch their 2-year old little girl for a little bit!)  I told him that I felt 'normal' but that in everything related to our pregnancy, there is this underlying "suck."  No better way that I can really explain it other than there's always a part of it that sucks.  But I was surprised, because the "underlying suck" doesn't negate the moments of joy and happiness that I am sometimes able to feel.  I began thinking about the way I was feeling, and realized for the first time that this is what true joy feels like.  I know joy and happiness are different... joy is something we can always have, even in hard times, because our hope is in Christ.  But I have never experienced such polar emotions as I have lately... the "underlying suck" can best be described as intense sorrow.  But no matter how sad and sorrowful my cries of grief are (and they are always there), there is also an accompanying feeling of calming peace and actual JOY.  Its the strangest thing ever.  Experiencing true joy in this way is so new and so deep for me... another characteristic of God that I will cherish forever.  (Much like my recent epiphany with the power of his love.)

Years ago (more than a decade now), I struggled with an eating disorder.  I was in several hospitals for long periods of time.  One year, I spent Christmas through Valentine's day in a hospital in Kansas City.  I had a psychiatrist who was the weirdest guy I'd ever met.  He had this thick, Middle Eastern accent and always said the strangest things-- we'll call him Dr. S.  For New Year's Eve, I wanted to be able to stay up with the other patients until midnight.  (EVERYTHING  I did had to be approved through Dr. S.)  So, I told him (in my best 17-year old whiney voice) "I just want to be normal!  And normal teenagers stay up past midnight on New Year's Eve!"

Dr. S then looked at me and said (I'll never forget this... even with his crazy accent) "You vant to be normaaal?  Zhen eat ahm-burgers and french fries, coooookies and ahce cream.  ZHEN you vill be nor-mal."  So guess what I had for dinner that New Year's Eve?  A hamburger, french fries, cookies, and ice cream.  Probably the hardest meal this anorexic teenager had ever eaten.  But ya know what?  It felt good.  And it felt normal.  And it started my pathway to healing.  

So why do I say all that?  I guess just to say that 'normal' is subjective.  Really, feeling 'normal' can be whatever you make it to be.  Nothing these days seem normal.  It is not normal for us to talk about the birth of our firstborn in the same sentence as her funeral.  It is not normal to talk about coming home after giving birth with no baby in our arms.  Nothing about life lately is really 'normal.'  Things are unnatural, lacking closure and answers right now.  But then I think about what is normal in situations like our's... I guess there really is no 'norm.'  So in that sense, Sean and I are free to set our own 'normal.'  And if being 'normal' right now means just making it through the day, then crumbling in each other's arms at night, that's ok.  I know that to most people, it would not be 'normal' to feel sorrow and joy at the same time.  But because of our hope in Christ and the incredibly generous promise of New Life, we are able to make our "normal" be Joy with a Side of Suck.

I know that several of our friends have been praying that Sean and I will really be able to enjoy the little things during this time.  And friends, can I just say thank-you so much for that?!  We are truly finding the joy in everyday moments with each other and with Whitney.  She's been moving around a lot and I have been loving that feeling.  We are taking maternity photos next week, and are really looking forward to it.  We are trying to keep the joy in our marriage, and not let the Enemy drag our love down with sorrow.  So thank you, friends for those prayers.  They are working and God is mighty!  Love you all and hope you have a happy new year!