First thoughts since Whitney's birth

Ok, here we go...I have been wanting to write for some time now and not even sure on what, but simply to write and share some of my thoughts and emotions from the past few weeks.  It is amazing how quickly everything can change.  I remember packing before a trip 2 weeks ago thinking about how much time we still had with Whitney and even joking in my head how I wished she would come during March Madness so that I could watch some good basketball with her.  I remember coming home and watching the Super Bowl with some friends and thinking nothing really because in my mind we still had 10 more weeks with our baby. 

Well, all that changed and the reality of life came flooding into prospective yet again when we went to the hospital to find that our baby girl's heart was no longer beating.  I wish I had some divine moment then, but I did not.  I just did everything I could to be "strong" and not cry in front of the nurse.  When the nurse could not find Whitney's heart beat I felt betrayed.  It was bad enough knowing that we would not get to see our daughter grow up, but now to not even hold her alive was too much.  What happened to the hope that we were holding on to?  Why could we not even catch a break in that moment and was I asking too much?  It is easy to give an over-spiritualized answer to my questions.  In the end I am fine with not knowing why, if there even is a why, and simply that God loves me and my daughter is with Him.  Well, even after writing that my heart still hurts and the pain hasn't gone away so I guess those weren't the magical words to take away the pain, dang it!

I guess I never thought this was real.  I remember Sheyenne telling me that we were pregnant and the tears of joy that were shed as we rejoiced together and I remember the doctor telling us something is wrong with our baby and the tears of sorrow as we cried uncontrollably together, but there were many moments when these emotions felt so alien and everything felt so unreal.  Even when we went to the hospital on Thursday morning there was still a part of my mind that believed this was all one horrible dream and that soon I would awake from it.  Well, the last part was true and I quickly woke up from my dream world when my wife began feeling the contractions that came one after another as the domino's started to fall. 

I remember after Whitney was born and even after I was able to cut her cord that reality crashed down all around me.  The nurse gave her to Sheyenne and everyone left the room and Sheyenne asked if I wanted to hold my daughter.  I said yes and instantly when that little precious body entered my hands I lost all control of my emotions, the ones that I had tried so hard to keep in the past 24 hours.  Everything that felt like it was not real went away when I finally held my child in my hands and I knew in that lifeless body were also the many dreams that I had when we first found out we were expecting.  I am sorry to be cold, but this is the first time that I have tried to think through my emotions at that moment.  I lost it, I could not even begin to regain any type of composure and I am grateful that no nurse came in because I might be locked up in a crazy house.  I was crying tears of sorrow that have never been felt before as I saw the life that I helped create was in my hands. 

She was beautiful though.  Nothing can compare in the beauty that I saw as I looked at my child, my precious little daughter.  She had my wife's face and it was stunning.  I wrote this in her memorial letter and shared it with my family, but I do think God spared me the pain of having to watch her be taken by another man who could never love her as much as her daddy could.  I am a dad, I am a dad, I am a dad!  This is my pain now.  Am I a father?  Can I be a father when my daughter is in heaven?  My brain is telling me yes right now but I have a hard time getting the message to my heart, because we know if our heart does not believe it then it cannot be true.  I am a dad, and even though I do not get the perks of fatherhood like seeing my girl smile, her running into my lap, or a tax write off; I know I am still a father.  I am still a father.

I wonder what God sees when we are first born.  I don't even want to get theological but I wonder what feelings of love spring up from his heart every time a new born is welcomed into this world.  I wonder what the welcome is like into heaven.  Is it like coming off the airplane to Hawaii and everyone gets flowers around their neck or is like a military welcome at the airport with signs and cheering and hugs and kisses?  I know as a parent I wish I could have welcomed my little girl into heaven but I will settle for the first time I get to see her she will be alive and perfect.  I cannot fathom heaven and I know that our broken views of what it will be like are nothing in light of what heaven will truly be.  I have some images in my mind, and for now that will do.

I praise God for music and being able to redeem all music for his glory.  Many songs have touched my heart and maybe I will share some of those later, but now I want to share some lines from a song by Incubus.  The chorus goes like this:

Love hurts but sometimes its a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive
Love sings when it transcends the bad things 
Have a heart and try me cause without love I won't survive

It would have been easy to abort and not even think twice about our baby because we knew the pain that would follow.  It would be easy to forget about her and push away anything that reminds us about her to not feel our loss again.  The problem with that is we love Whitney, and with that love I embrace the pain because it reminds me that she is real and that this was not all a bad dream but that it was my dream come true because I am the father of the most beautiful daughter that is running around with Jesus wherever that may be.  I love my girl and I cannot begin to tell you how much I love my wife and how amazing she is.  That is enough for now, and I cannot tell you all who have followed our journey how much you mean to us and how your support has encouraged us through our dark days.  Your prayers have all been felt and answered.