"When something horrifying like the death of a baby happens, I think we're faced with the choice to either grasp more wildly for control or let go. The latter is the response of refuge, and it sounds like it's what you're leaning toward."
The above statement is from an email a friend sent me. She also lost her son to Triploidy, and knows all too well the pain, loss and jumbled mess of emotions I am experiencing. I love what she wrote about our response to the situation... we have the choice to either grasp more wildly for control or to simply let go. When I was pregnant with Whitney, I was completely and utterly out of control of the situation. And for the first time ever in my life, I was ok with that. Most of the time, I'm a planner. I make lists. I keep a calendar. (Ok, I keep three calendars.) What can I say, I like to be organized. (For the record, I also enjoy buying office supplies and categorizing my magazines chronologically.) But in the midst of my organization, I sometimes hear God whispering, "Only I know the plans I have for you..." This was a lesson I learned full well with Whitney. And I'm grateful that I now know what it truly is like to rest in knowing that something is so completely and fully in God's hands. That's where our peace came from. That's what took us through the hard days and nights. Its actually very freeing to give up control... and my friend is so absolutely right that in giving up control we find our peace in the refuge of the Lord.
Truth be told, though, it was almost easier when things were totally out of my control. Now that life is back to normal finding our 'new' normal, I have opportunity to control more things in my day to day happenings. And to be honest, I don't really like it. When things are out of our control by default, we have no choice but to give it over to the Lord. Giving things to the Lord that we could control but shouldn't is harder. To be honest, I don't even really know what it is that I need to give over to the Lord... all I know is that I'm not at peace like I was when I was pregnant and it seems to come down to two words: letting go. Maybe what I need to focus on is the latter part of my friend's statement... a response of refuge. Every day I come home, having been completely assaulted by life and the reality of our loss. I need a refuge. To simply run to my Father, his arms around me, resting in the shadow of his wings.
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3
You made me cry! I so completely know how you feel! God whispers for us to be still and know that he is God. It is just hard sometimes. Prayer and hugs tonight!
ReplyDeleteYour post really spoke to me today. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks, your openness has really bless my life and is an agent of change in my life. You are so brave and I praise God for your faithfulness to Him even in this difficult time. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog through Heidi at angel babies. I am 22 weeks pregnant with my third little one and have had some major complications. My baby is completely perfect, but depending on what happens, he may not make it. I appreciate your blog and how open and honest you are about your feelings. This post really hit home right now being in the "it's out of my control" point. I'll keep your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI love the new top banner you have on the page-- it's beautiful how it shows Whitney's life while she was here on earth.
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