So I Will Sing To You Lord

My mom sent me these pictures of Whitney's name that she painted on a wall in the desert of Egypt.  Cool, right!  She recently went on a women's retreat, it was actually the weekend of Whitney's due date.  Here's a little excerpt from her email that tells more about it...

The place we went to is in the desert and is called Anafora. By the time we arrived, it was getting dusk out. Once off the highway, we traveled down a narrow track between rows of palm trees and fruit trees. We had to go through two gates... It is so quiet there...and lovely. ... All day Friday, as we worshipped and sang, and prayed, tears ran down my face. And an amazing thing happened. As my tears welled up and overflowed, a breeze from the open window would sweep gently across my face and dry my tears! 

I want you to know that within the retreat center is a place called the guest book. It is a little room at the bottom of the circular stairwell. In this little room are water colors and brushes. Anyone who wants to is invited to paint on the walls. It can be anything. Once the walls are covered in art, then they take photos for an album and repaint them white again. 

As little Whitney was so on my mind, God was ministering to me through my tears... and the sadness I was carrying became joy. I was drawn to this little room to leave Whitney's name beneath something someone else had already painted, "So I will sing to you Lord"

I shared with the women in my prayer circle that this was a special day for us...so a Canadian, Americans, a Dutchwoman, and a German prayed for you guys and for me. It was beautiful hearing the prayers in so many different accents of English! I love you !  Mom

Isn't my mom the best? I love her. Here are the beautiful pictures she took of Whitney's sweet name...

 

 

  

Psalm 95
  ¹ Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; 
       let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Response of Refuge

"When something horrifying like the death of a baby happens, I think we're faced with the choice to either grasp more wildly for control or let go. The latter is the response of refuge, and it sounds like it's what you're leaning toward."

The above statement is from an email a friend sent me.  She also lost her son to Triploidy, and knows all too well the pain, loss and jumbled mess of emotions I am experiencing.  I love what she wrote about our response to the situation... we have the choice to either grasp more wildly for control or to simply let go.  When I was pregnant with Whitney, I was completely and utterly out of control of the situation.  And for the first time ever in my life, I was ok with that.  Most of the time, I'm a planner.  I make lists.  I keep a calendar.  (Ok, I keep three calendars.)  What can I say, I like to be organized.  (For the record, I also enjoy buying office supplies and categorizing my magazines chronologically.) But in the midst of my organization, I sometimes hear God whispering, "Only I know the plans I have for you..."  This was a lesson I learned full well with Whitney.  And I'm grateful that I now know what it truly is like to rest in knowing that something is so completely and fully in God's hands.  That's where our peace came from.  That's what took us through the hard days and nights.  Its actually very freeing to give up control... and my friend is so absolutely right that in giving up control we find our peace in the refuge of the Lord.  

Truth be told, though, it was almost easier when things were totally out of my control.  Now that life is back to normal finding our 'new' normal, I have opportunity to control more things in my day to day happenings.  And to be honest, I don't really like it.  When things are out of our control by default, we have no choice but to give it over to the Lord.  Giving things to the Lord that we could control but shouldn't is harder.  To be honest, I don't even really know what it is that I need to give over to the Lord... all I know is that I'm not at peace like I was when I was pregnant and it seems to come down to two words: letting go.  Maybe what I need to focus on is the latter part of my friend's statement... a response of refuge.  Every day I come home, having been completely assaulted by life and the reality of our loss.  I need a refuge.  To simply run to my Father, his arms around me, resting in the shadow of his wings.  

 ¹ God is our refuge and strength, 

       an ever-present help in trouble.

 ² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 

       and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

 ³ though its waters roar and foam 

       and the mountains quake with their surging. 

 Psalm 46:1-3

From Aunt Meg & Girls

Look at these beautiful pictures that Megan and Emmalia and Kaira did for us!  Aren't they so sweet?  I love the tiny painted toenails!!

 

 

  

Thanks so much!  We love you!
 

You can see this picture and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Happy Aunt & Uncle Day!

Today is Whitney's due date.  Sean and I miss her every second of every day, but we know we're not the only ones missing her dearly.  We are missing out on things  that parents get to do, but there are other people in Whitney's life who are missing out on special things, too.  

I thought and thought about what I wanted to do on this day.  Some way to remember Whitney, to acknowledge that she was indeed real and to just honor the people in our lives who love us and Whitney more than anyone else could.  So.... Sean and I came up with the idea to declare Whitney's due date "Aunt & Uncle Day" in our family!  (Kind of like Grandparents' Day or Mothers/Fathers Day) April 16th will now always be remembered as Whitney's due date, but also as a day to celebrate the "aunts and uncles" in our family.

 

 

So here's a little about Whitney's aunts and uncles...

Aunt Audrey

 

Audrey is Sean's sister and a student at Ohio State.  There is no doubt that she would have loved decking Whitney out in Buckeye gear!  This picture was taken at Kyle & Anne's wedding rehearsal dinner... and you can't tell but its me, Audrey and Whitney in this picture... I was about 20 weeks pregnant here.  We love you Aunt Audrey!  Thank you for all the love and prayers you gave and continue to give us.  

Aunt Anne & Uncle Kyle

 

  
Kyle is Sean's brother, and he just made the smartest move of his life last November, when he married Anne.  We had a great time at their wedding in Indy.  They now live in Indy, and I can't wait for the day when we will hopefully live close to them.  There's nothing I'd love more than to raise our curly-haired brunette babies with their (some day) blondie cuties.  This picture is actually a picture of us four with Whitney, too... its just none of us knew it yet!!  This was taken just a few days before I took my pregnancy test!

Uncle David

 

David is my brother, and he lives in Chicago.  We don't get to see him nearly as much as we'd like to, but he came out here just a few weeks ago, on his Spring Break.  He was able to go with us to a memorial service hosted by Angel Babies.  It was simple but sweet... they lit some candles, read a poem, sang some songs, and then read the names of all the angel babies who were born in February.  When we went to San Francisco, we wrote Whitney's name in the sand and took this picture.  I love this picture for many reasons:  I love Whitney, I love my brother and I love the ocean.  David is already an awesome Uncle to his two nieces, Emmalia and Kaira.  And I know he would have been just as awesome with Whitney.

Aunt Megan & Uncle Eric

 

Megan is my sister.  The moment we called her and told her that Whitney would be born in less than 24 hours, she was on the quickest flight out of Phoenix.  And that wasn't an easy task for her.  She is a pastor's wife and busy mom of two little girls, Emmalia (2 years old) and Kaira (who was just 3 months old when Whitney was born).  Eric was a champ and played single dad for several days so Megan could come and be with us.  It was the greatest moments we have yet to share as sisters.  When Megan arrived with my Mom on a late flight from LAX, she still took time to help teach me some breathing techniques and what to expect in labor.  The next day at the hospital, she rubbed my feet through contractions, helped me breathe and stay calm, and helped make sure that everything was done the way I wanted it done.  Other than the nurses, Megan was the first person to see Whitney.  She was right there by my side (holding up my dead-weight leg!).  Most people have the reward of a healthy baby to look forward to and to help make it through labor.  I didn't have that.  I had my sister looking into my eyes, telling me "its ok, you can do this."  Megan was the one who gave Whitney her bath.  She dressed her.  Weighed her.  Measured her.  She got to cuddle her, hold her, love her and kiss her.  I am so glad my sister was there.  She would have been such a great Aunt to Whitney.  And Christmases would have been so fun with Whitney and Kaira and Emmalia.  I would have loved the hand-me-down girls' clothing too!  I will never be able to express, for as long as I live, how much it meant to me to have Megan there.  Here's is a picture of her adorable family... Megan said the girls did great while she was with us here in Fresno.  I am so thankful that God allowed us that time together, and that her girls were so lovingly cared for while their mommy was gone.  

 

So Aunts & Uncles, we are so grateful for you.  We long for the day when we can all be reuinted together in Heaven with so many others who have gone before us, including Whitney.  I can't wait for you all to meet her, to hold her and to love on her.   We love you all and miss you!  We hope you enjoy the packages we sent... and I hope they all got there in time!  The candle is for you to light today and just think about sweet Whitney when you smell the sweetness of the candle.  Love you guys!

2 Months...

"To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again."  ~Egyptian Proverb

 Its been 2 months since we held our baby.  We miss her so much.  

Thank you so much to our friends who remembered her today and let us know.  As one of my dear friends put it, there are no sweeter words to a grieving mama than for someone to say "I've really  been missing your daughter."  So thank you to for helping us remember her.  

Whitney's actual due date is Friday.  Its hard to believe... I mean, I should be as big as a house right now, waddling to Babies R Us for last minute must-haves.  I guess it all just goes to show that life goes on.  Our hearts are a lot bigger, and a little heavier, but life goes on.  

“What we have once we never lose.  All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”  Helen Keller

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Name Gallery

Thank you so much to the friends who have sent in pictures for Whitney's name gallery!  They are beautiful and I love them!  Thought I would share the ones I've received so far....

 

From Mel W.- Taken by a friend of her's who was in Florida for Spring break... thanks for taking the time to think of us and ask your friend to take the picture!  Love it!

 

A huge thank to Kaylan & Travis for this beautiful Name Art!  It now hangs right in front of our piano in our dining room.  I love it!!  So beautiful!!  Thank you so much!!

 

Thank-you Keri D. for decorating this egg for us!!  Keri said this was the only egg she decorated at Easter, and she had her brother take this beautiful photograph.  It is so stunning!  Thank you so much for thinking of us and taking time to do this egg/picture.

Thank you so much!  Thank you for taking the time to think of us and to remember Whitney... and for letting us know!  If you want to add to Whitney's name gallery, just email me the photo:
 sheyennewATgmailDOTcom.  I also still use my hotmail address, so if you still have that one, you can email me there, too.   

This week has been tough.  Too many reasons.  Sean's been in Mexico and I need him here with me.  Thankfully, he comes home today.  Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, friends.  

You can see these pictures and others like it in Whitney's Name Gallery... just click the photo below:

Have Patience

 

 

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, 
because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. 

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, 
without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Happy Easter

Happy Easter, sweet ladybug.  

We thought about you all day and missed you terribly.  Your Daddy said you would have worn a big beautiful bow in your hair today.  This morning, as we were singing in church, I couldn't help but think of how incredibly awesome it must be to be for you to be hearing our praises rise to Heaven on this Resurrection Sunday.  

Nana and Papa Sam were given these flowers by a friend of their's in Egypt.  They were thinking of you when they bought them.  

We love you, baby.

 

Life Abundant

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.

Easter has always been my favorite holiday.  In fact, I almost cringe at calling it a "holiday" because of the triviality that word connotes.  Christmas is great and birthdays are fun, but there is something so completely different about Easter.  One year in college, I had just started dating a guy around this time of year.  It was just a few days before Easter and I had told him that Easter was my favorite holiday.  Later that evening, he brought me a huge pastel pink, stuffed bunny.  It was sweet of him, it really was, but bunnies and eggs aren't why I love Easter so much.  (Sidenote: any of my college girls remember that?  I believe that was the same night as the "kids in the bannister, wives out the wazoo" incident.  "No, Sheyenne... tell us about the bunny!" haha!)

Easter represents the reason for my hope... the reason for my life... the reason I get up every day... and Easter is the day we jubilantly celebrate that!  Words are completely inadequate to describe the joy and anticipation that fills my heart in the weeks leading up to Easter.  At church last week, we sang a song that we are going to sing again this week.  It was so beautiful, joyful and victorious!  I cannot wait to sing it at the top of my lungs tomorrow.  Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins-- my sins-- and ultimately conquering death.  Did you hear that?  Conquering death.  I love the songs that say things like "From the grave you've risen, victoriously!" and "Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting!" and "Up from the grave he arose!"  When those lines come up in a song, I want to jump up and down, shout it out and praise my Lord!  

1 Peter 1:3 
 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..

People ask us how we are able to keep going... how are we able to keep doing what we're doing.  In a nutshell, Easter explains it all.  Sin was separating me from God.  His son, Jesus died for my sins.  He washed me clean.  In doing that, Jesus bridged that gap between me and God.  Now that's deserving of a lifelong commitment, don't you think?  And in the end, I know that I will spend eternity in Heaven with the God who sent his son to die for me.  The purpose of my life is simply to give God glory in everything I do.  God didn't cause Whitney to die.  He didn't make her sick.  For Whitney to die was never God's plan.  It wasn't his "Plan A", "B", or even "C" for that matter.  So why would I be mad at God?  And why would I ever stop singing his praises when he did give us so many blessings through Whitney?  Because of his sacrifice, his goodness and his love, I know that I will have eternity with him.  And I will also have eternity with my daughter, doing all the things I didn't get to do with her in this life.  

Easter is my favorite day of the year.  It reminds me of the day so many years ago when I, too was 'buried with Christ in baptism' and raised again as a new person.  One of those many blessigs that God gave us through Whitney actually goes back 21 years from the exact day she was born.  On February 11, 1989, my sister and I gave our lives to Christ and were baptized.  My dad acutally baptized us.  It was awesome.  On that day, my old 'self' died and Christ started in me a new life-- a life I chose to live for Him.  Though I was only 7 1/2 years old, I knew that my life was forever changed.  In the years that came after Febraury 11, 1989, I faced some hard times.  I strayed from the life God wanted me to live, but because of his goodness, I was blessed with family and friends who always brought me back to the truth.  I devoted my life to serving him, to helping others.  And in the hard times, I always went back to February 11... the day my new life began.  Every year since then, I have remembered that day as my 'new' birthday, or my 'spiritual' birthday.  Because of my decision on that day, Christ was now my Lord and Saviour, and I knew that he would not give me anything that I could not handle.

 
February 11, 1989

 

Fast-forward 21 years.  February 11, 2010.  The day my daughter was born.  I do not think it was any coincidence that Whitney was born on this day-- my 21st re-birthday.  For years I've celebrated that as my re-birthday, and from now on, I will also celebrate it as my daughter's birthday.  How can anyone see this situation and not see God's incredible goodness in all of this?  Of the 365 days my daughter could be born, God allowed her to be born on the anniversary of the day I gave my life to him.  And my mom and sister were also able to be with me!  A reminder that in every situation, no matter what the circumstance, God is still with me.  And I have promised to give him all the glory in every situation.  So you see, that's why Easter is so much more than just bunnies and eggs to me.  Easter is life!  And praise!  And HOPE!

February 11, 2010

Romans 6:8-11 
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 28:1-10 
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."