Day 4: What's Kept You Going

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I think on different days it has been different things.  Through most of the grieving process, it is just putting one foot in front of another.  A lot of people say (or think) "I don't konw how you do it... I don't know how you keep going."  The truth is, what choice do I have?  When a child dies, a part of you dies, too.  But you just kind of keep putting one foot forward, day in and day out, until you are alive again.  There were days I didn't get out of bed.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to.  Then there were days that I actually looked forward to getting up.  

While I was pregnant with Whitney, I worked at a pregnancy center.  I had always had a very strong sense of value on human life in all stages, and part of my job there was to help educate women about the importance of life.  I got to share some of the amazing things about how we are created-- that our hearts start beating just 3 weeks after conception!  Fingers start to develop at just 7 weeks!  And all the cool amazing things about the way babies develop from the earliest moments.  And just because Whitney was sick didn't mean she was of any less value to us or to God.  It was definitely hard to be pregnant with Whitney and see women choose not to carry their healthy babies to term, but I also felt it was the ultimate test in my life... an opportunity to really practice what I preach, so to speak.  And many days, the hope that sharing Whitney's life will save another little baby keeps me going.

So that's kind of a jumbled answer to the question.  But its just a mixture of everything... some days I keep breathing because I have no other option.  Other days, I am optimistic with hope, and determined to make Whitney's life continue to count for something.  And most certainly, nowadays, it is the precious rainbow baby sleeping in the other room that keeps me going.  :)