Grief is a strange monster. You never know what to expect. One minute, all is well. The next minute, you're in total knock-out, with no clue where the power punch came from. I've mentioned this before, but sometimes, it feels like we're living in a nightmare/bad dream, or that this is someone else's life... surely this isn't our life... Its not that I forget I had a baby, its just that sometimes, because Whitney isn't here with us, it doesn't seem real.
(Sidenote: that's why we LOVE when our friends and family ask about her or our time with her... it helps us know that others value her life and in doing so, you validate her presence in our hearts!)
Case in point: Tonight, Sean and I were sitting in bed, getting ready to watch some of our Ti-vo'd shows before going to sleep. We'd finished last night's Idol results (good call, America), Wednesday's Criminal Minds (weird), and had just turned on our final show, Psych (a feel-good-funny-so-we-can-sleep-after-the-creepy-criminal-minds-episode). Psych-- always a classic, sure to make you smile, and the late 80's/early 90's references warm my heart. Sean has been wanting an iPhone cover like the one Sean (the fake Psychic) has on the show. So I pulled up the USA Network online shop looking for the cover. I found a Blackberry cover (score for me!), but no iPhone cover. I continued perusing the other Psych-related items (yes, we really love the show!) and saw this:
My first thought was "Oh, when Kyle and Anne get pregnant, we HAVE to get his for them." (That's my BIL and SIL who share the same affection for our fake mind-reading friends.) So I turn the computer around to show Sean (my husband, not the Psychic) my fabulous find, and his face falls. My heart drops. I remember. SUCKER PUNCH by the Grief Monster. We just had a baby. She should be wearing that Future Psychic Creeper. OUCH. Both our eyes tear up and we start this weird laugh (because its a stupid Psych onesie)/cry (because we're really sad) thing that continues for several minutes.
*sigh* After a while of continuing the laugh/cry weirdness, Sean (again, my husband not the Psychic) and I sat up, dried our eyes and promised that if/when (please, God, WHEN) we do have another baby, that will be the first onesie we buy. (And if its a girl, she'll have a matching pineapple hair bow.) Then we wondered who was going to blog about this weird grief experience first. (And then we resumed our show.)
*Side Note* Sean (the husband) lost this race because he had to shave off his nasty face hair *side note done*
I've been sitting here trying to remember the name of the movie I was watching. It was just after my Dad's funeral, and we were watching some disney movie in the theater. I think it was Shrek 2. Is there a frog in that one? Anyway, the frog dies and there's a funeral scene and I remember crying during Shrek 2 at the funeral scene of a frog. That's when I knew that I had completely lost my mind. Grief is the weirdest thing. Hang in there. The sucker punches will get less frequent as time passes.
ReplyDeleteBrian (above comment) is right. The sucker punches get less frequent, and also a little less severe, as time passes. That doesn't diminish Whitney's life or your love for her. (p.s. I'm praying the "when" prayer with you.)
ReplyDeleteI love the pineapple hairbow idea, Sheyenne! It will really look funny on Woodrow though! And you are right about grief being a monster. Love you two! Mom
ReplyDeleteyour nickname on babycenter brought me to look at your site. After our baby girl, Kailee, was stillborn at 27w6d, we saw ladybugs all around us. I've come to believe that anytime I see a ladybug, it's my baby girl trying to tell me something.
ReplyDeletereading your site, I have felt a lot of the same feelings. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Your daughter was so beautiful and perfect! You can feel free to contact me anytime. Kailee's website is http://kaileerose.weebly.com
Carrie