My heart hurts. I wish they made some kind of magic Tums... you know, instead of curing heart burn it helps with the heart break. Hmmm... no such luck. It goes deeper than that. Lately I've been really sad over all that we've lost. I don't really know all the "official" stages of grief (and who was authorized to canonize those anyways?) but it feels like this is a new one. I've been mad that this happened to us, but got over that pretty quick. I'm not big on self-pity. It always results in wasted days and a serious need for a shower. I've felt resentment-- why is her baby healthy and not mine? Still have that a lot. But you would, too if you saw half the things I see in a day. I've felt peace. Ironically, I do feel this a lot. It comes in waves, like everything else, but just like there's always the underlying "suck" there's (almost) always the underlying peace... the assurance we will see Whitney again and get to love on her forever.
But today I'm just really feeling the loss. Of course I feel the loss of our baby in my arms, but there's so much more than just that. I've lost the innocence and joy that comes with a pregnancy. I read my friends' blogs about how they are expecting a baby and marvel at the innocence with which they are preparing for their baby. I will never have that again. I don't know if I will ever be able to prepare a nursery before we actually have our baby at home with us. I don't know if I will ever be able to really enjoy making a baby registry or opening gifts at a baby shower... that "what if" will always be there. If we are able to get pregnant again, my eyes have been opened. I know just how incredibly much can go wrong. I know how often good, deserving people experience unthinkable loss. But most of all, I now know that it can happen to me. Because it did. It has happened. It is happening.
But I think what is more scary than being scared for a whole pregnancy is the thought that I may never have that again. In that light, I would gladly accept the weeks and months of trepidation if I knew that it would mean I could soon hold my healthy, breathing baby in my arms. But of course, there are no guarantees. One thing I've learned is that there are no guarantees in life... and like my mom always said, life isn't fair. Sometimes that works in our favor, and sometimes it doesn't. We don't always get what we deserve, and sometimes, we are given that which we are undeserving of. That's life. And you know what? Crazy as it sounds, I'm ok with that. I'm learning to accept that life just isn't fair. I've made myself crazy in the past mulling over how 'fair' or 'unfair' something is. I know that in the end, it all comes down to this: God's glory, greatness and goodness. It surpasses all. So even if I never get pregnant again, I am forever thankful for Whitney. No one will ever replace her in my heart and I am so blessed to be her mom. And if I ever am blessed to be pregnant again, am I sad that I have lost my 'pregnancy innocence'? Of course I am. I envy those who walk through their nine(ten) months of pregnancy on cloud 9 without a thunderhead in sight. But I also know that I will have a whole 'nother level of appreciation for that experience. Morning sickness? yes, please. It would mean my baby is growing right... I had NO morning sickness with Whitney. Outgrowing clothes faster than Kirstie Ally? Yes, please! I really didn't need maternity clothes with Whitney at all. Shortness of breath? Aching back? Sleepless nights? Billions of bathroom breaks? Bring it on, please God, bring it on some day!
I don't really know how to get past grieving something that isn't even tangible. Its very odd. But I just hold to the truth that this, too shall pass. And we will continue to speak of God's goodness, of His glory, and of His infinite greatness.
1 Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
2 I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
3 Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.
4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,
6 the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
the LORD, who remains faithful forever.
7 He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,
8 the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
9 The LORD watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.
10 The LORD reigns forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.
Praise the LORD.
Psalm 146
I LOVE reading your posts! It always fills me with God's love and power through your experiences. I would give anything to change Whitney's life into a longer one for you but this was all God's Plan and God is Good. Thank you both for always sharing your journey. Love and Blessings, The Nathans
ReplyDeleteHello Sheyenne...Very well stated. I felt the heart ache for more than a year. The actual pain in the chest that was heavy, constant, and never went a way. The encouragement I offer to you is that the grieving becomes easier...but, in my experience, it does not go away. I am to the place where I don't want it to completely go away. It is a very good reminder as to what to rejoice over and what to stress about. There are just things that are not stress worthy. I shared w/ Sean that "suck" is my term too... and the underlying suck factor does get easier to handle. But, when kids are starting kindergarten, that was a suck factor for me...that is when the whole "unfair/fair" thing came up. When Brynn gets married, a big suck factor, some other girl will be the maid of honor. I have shared these and other milestones with people to help them understand the true scope and magnatude of the loss of a child. It is a loss that keeps on giving and giving...sometimes not in the ways we want. I offer encouragement that the joy you have will grow and will be a light. I determined that Ashley's life and death would not be the event that weakened our family, but the event that strengthened it...it is a way we honor her life and her place in our family. I think you and Sean are beautifully doing this. Be gentle with yourself... grieving is hard work. You feel it on every level of your being...physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional. It is exhausting work and it seems never ending. But, God does provide the people and the words to encourage and comfort us. I am so glad to know Whitney through you and Sean. Hugs to you both! Shannon
ReplyDelete"Grief is the surest way to know that you have loved and loved well"...refridgerator maganet on my friend's fridge regarding her son who died of a brain tumor...
Thank you for sharing your journey. I've read all your posts and think I've commented once before. I just wanted to let you know that someone you don't know is still thinking of you guys and the journey you are continuing on.
ReplyDeleteI will admit that sometimes it is hard to read what you write because it makes my heart ache (and often tears fall), and the human side of me wants to avoid that kind of a feeling at any cost (just being honest). But as I read I am reminded that it is important to remember the hurts of others and to hurt with them and for them, even if that's all you can do to "help." So that is why I continue to come to your blog--to somehow share in what you are going through and to be reminded to continually lift you up before the Father.
I prayed for you guys tonight. My husband and I have two children and we lost one child to miscarriage. As I was putting my youngest to sleep tonight I prayed fervently for you and your husband to be blessed with another child. It's all I can do--but I hope it helps you somehow to know that someone somewhere is praying that prayer along with you. I will continue to read and to pray. God's blessings on you tonight for some moments of peace amidst the pain.
I just read both of your posts from this week. I want you to know that you are not alone. While the innocence of pregnancy may be no more for you, I just know you will experience the joy of it. Prayers and hugs from one angel mama to another.
ReplyDeleteGirl, this post completely speaks to me. I am so with you on the "life's not fair" thing. As you know, my mom passed away just after I turned 14. I miss her so much and often think of how it's so unfair that so many people in this world have their moms for 50+ years and I had a mere 14 with my mom. I think about how early I lost my innocence in life and how it shouldn't have been that way. And how my mom deserved the chance to see me drive, graduate college, get married, etc. But I also think of this: If given the chance to avoid the heartache I felt when I lost her (and thereafter) in exchange for never having known her, would I do it? No way. Not in a million years. I will love her all the days of my life and I am forever changed because of her. I know you must feel the same way about Whitney. It would be easier to never have dealt with all this sadness, grief, loss, questions...., but you love that little girl and you wouldn't trade the time you spent carrying her in your womb and holding her on her birthday for anything.
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