My dear, sweet friend Idette sent me this beautiful picture from Kauai... I love it! I love the flower used to "dot" the "i". (Is it a frangy pangy flower?) Gorgeous! Thank you so much Idette!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.
Below is a link to a petition for grieving parents to receive leave for bereavement under the Family Leave Act.
Thankfully, I was able to take my full maternity leave after Whitney died. I remember the days and weeks of walking around in a fog, wondering if this was really my life. I had to relearn how to live my life in this new sense of normal. Everything from sleeping to eating to driving and shopping was completely foreign and had to be relearned. I am thankful for the time I had on maternity leave to get used to just living life before I had to face what all of that meant for my job.
I know that many women receive maternity leave, but if your pregnancy loss was early, you were not able to take maternity leave. Or, if you had a c-section you barely get your feet back on the ground then have to return to work and face the public.
There are also mommas that lose their babies several weeks after birth due to the poor/fatal diagnosis. Their maternity leave runs out and have to return to work shortly after burying their child.
This Parental Bereavement Act is an amendment to the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) that will extend benefits to employees who have experienced the death of a child. There are so many ways that our little ones are not acknowledged when they pass away, especially if the baby is stillborn (as was our case). We did not receive a birth certificate, she was not acknowledged on our taxes, and if she had been born much earlier, I would not have been eligible for maternity leave. This is a great way to allow families time to heal without having the extra stress of missing so much work to grieve.
Its super simple to sign the petition online... only took a couple of minutes. Click the link below to sign! You don't have to be a baby loss momma to care!
A couple of times, I've been blessed to make birth announcements for precious angel babies. The women, families and babies I've met have touched my heart and changed my life. As I spent time creating each birth announcement, and perfecting it to the mother's liking, I prayed for their families, the lives they touched. One person I was blessed to meet through that was a fellow angel mum to Christian, Erin. She sent me this beautiful picture from a recent trip to Gulf Shores, AL. I am continually in awe of the amazing people I meet on this journey... a journey I would never have chosen for myself but have been blessed beyond belief beause of it. Here's the picture she sent:
Beautiful, right?! Thank you so much, Erin for thinking of me and Whitney Jill. We will never forget your Christian, either! :) Love you friend!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Gia is our rainbow baby so she came after Whitney. No doubt she will somehow be affected by that, but she's too young right now. So my relationship with Sean... like I said before, through this all, he has been my rock. We have gotten so much closer over the past two years, I cannot imagine living life without him. I'm a lucky lady. :)
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
It depends on the day you ask me. ;) Generally, yes. As with most everything, the intense pain has gotten better with time. And although I think of her every day, most days are less painful than they were in the early days after her loss. I used to think of each day after she died as one day further away from the last time we held her, but now I am able to think of it as each day being one day closer to holding her again in Heaven.
But the hard days are still there. Like watching the video in the previous post was really hard. I tend to push things out of my mind that I don't want to think about... but seeing her precious little heartbeat on the ultrasound, her hand waves and her sweet little 'jumps' make me miss her all the more.
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Yes! We have several things that we started to keep Whitney's memory alive and to honor her life. First of all, we started a memorial fund that helped to purchase an ultrasound machine for the mobile ultrasound clinic at the Pregnancy Care Center in Fresno. I need to do an update on that post soon!! But, we purchased an awesome ultrasound machine that has already saved multiple babies' lives, and it has a little plaque on in that says "In Memory of Whitney Jill." I was able to share with one mom-to-be about Whitney, and how we chose to carry her even though she was sick. It was so awesome to have that opportunity. Here's a video about that:
(click on it to see the whole thing... it gets cut off with the dimensions of this blog)
Secondly, on Whitney's birthday, we started the tradtion of doing a Random Act of Kindness Day. Many of you guys participated last year, and we are still planning on doing something again this year. It may not be as elaborate as last year was, but we will still do it-- and hope you will join us again! See our complete rundown of the day here.
Another way we remember Whitney in our family is by creating Aunt & Uncle Day. It is April 16, which was Whitney's original due date. Its a way for us to remember Whitney while also honoring her aunts & uncles! See what we did this year and last year.
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
This is probably one of the hardest questions that a baby loss mom will have to deal with. I will never forget the first time someone asked me this question after Whitney died. I was at a Mary Kay event with a friend, and I had to stand up and introduce myself. It was exactly one month to the day after I'd had Whitney, and the director asked if I had any kids. I was still so raw and sad, I just wanted to crawl away... so I said no. I cried the entire way home, then tried to explain to Sean how I felt like I had just denied my only child who had died. It was horrible.
Since then, I've learned to give myself a little bit of grace when the question arises. Sometimes, I've surprised myself and said, "Yes, I had a daughter but she passed away." But reactions are usually worse than just saying "no." Take for instance, the waiter at Olive Garden the day we went to eat there after Whitney's memorial service. She asked if we were celebrating anything so I, feeling brave, said yes... we were celebrating my daughter **waitress's face begins to light up with a smile** who was now in Heaven. **waitress's face falls to the floors as she flusters around to verbally vomit an apology while trying to run away from us as fast as possible.** It was awkward, to say the least.
So really, it depends on the situation, the surroundings, and the person who is asking. I'm now able to say that we have two daughters, one who has passed away. I can usually say that without crying, so that's progress, right? But it is such a tricky question.
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
I do get reminders of Whitney every now and then. When we lived in California, reminders of her were everywhere. And I loved it. There were a lot of "Whitney Avenues" around Fresno-- we lived off of Whitney Ave! So I'd get reminders of her almost on a daily basis. While I was pregnant with Whit, we were intentional about making memories with her... things that were special to us at the time. The morning that we went to the hospital to have Whitney, the trees across our street had just burst into beautiful white blooms--seemingly overnight, like they appeared just to celebrate her life. I haven't seen any of those trees here in Mid America yet. But they always remind me of Whitney.
I love when people email pictures of Whitney's name for her name gallery. Those always seem to come at just the right time, when I really miss her. After we moved, I was telling Sean that I was kind of disappointed that I hadn't found any "Whitney" pictures around town. There were reminders everywhere in Fresno (remember how her name was written in cement on our back patio?!) and I was struggling with how to keep her memory here. He kept telling me, "Just wait. It will come."
A few weeks after that conversation, we got my new license plate in the mail. I was so shocked when I saw it... Sean got me a personalized license plate that says "WHITTY J".... there's a little bit of a story to this reminder. After Whitney died, Sean began to write a children's book series about a girl named Whitty J who was a clever young girl who liked to solve mysteries. Her name is Whitney Jill, but her friends call her Whitty J (get it, 'witty'?). It was therapeutic for Sean to write the Whitty J story... he could imagine what she would look like, what she would say, wear, do, etc. He hasn't written any in a long time because he said its just too painful to think about her now. But I love the first story he wrote... maybe some day I can share it on here. Its kind of like Ladybug Girl meets Nancy Drew for little kids. Really cute. Anyways, that's the story behind the license plate. I love it. Now I have a sweet reminder of Whitney everywhere I go! And she is 'with' us in thought wherever we go, too!
Other reminders of Whitney that pop up here and there include ladybugs, white lillies, the Olive Garden, and black and white damask print.
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I think on different days it has been different things. Through most of the grieving process, it is just putting one foot in front of another. A lot of people say (or think) "I don't konw how you do it... I don't know how you keep going." The truth is, what choice do I have? When a child dies, a part of you dies, too. But you just kind of keep putting one foot forward, day in and day out, until you are alive again. There were days I didn't get out of bed. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to. Then there were days that I actually looked forward to getting up.
While I was pregnant with Whitney, I worked at a pregnancy center. I had always had a very strong sense of value on human life in all stages, and part of my job there was to help educate women about the importance of life. I got to share some of the amazing things about how we are created-- that our hearts start beating just 3 weeks after conception! Fingers start to develop at just 7 weeks! And all the cool amazing things about the way babies develop from the earliest moments. And just because Whitney was sick didn't mean she was of any less value to us or to God. It was definitely hard to be pregnant with Whitney and see women choose not to carry their healthy babies to term, but I also felt it was the ultimate test in my life... an opportunity to really practice what I preach, so to speak. And many days, the hope that sharing Whitney's life will save another little baby keeps me going.
So that's kind of a jumbled answer to the question. But its just a mixture of everything... some days I keep breathing because I have no other option. Other days, I am optimistic with hope, and determined to make Whitney's life continue to count for something. And most certainly, nowadays, it is the precious rainbow baby sleeping in the other room that keeps me going. :)
Day 3: Who has been your "rock" through this whole experience?
Well, the obvious answer is that God has been the One constant who has kept me going on the rough days. For some reason, I didnt spend a lot of time being "mad" at him or questioning why bad things happen to good people. For the most part, I have come to accept in my life that there is sin in the world, and that's why crappy stuff happens, not beause God makes it happen. So definitely, God has been my Hope in the midst of the darkness.
That said, He has given me the most amazing life partner who has been my rock by my side through thick and thin- my husband, Sean. When we were going to all the doctor's appointments and things like that, Sean was always by my side (even at the amnio, which made him more queasy than me!). He did the unpleasant things like making funeral arrangements and dealing with the cremation. He filled in the gaps where I couldn't. He made final decisions when I really just needed him to make a choice. He loved Whitney by the way he loved me and took care of me when I was carrying her. I have no idea how I could have walked this journey alone. He is the only other person on this planet who knows what it felt like to lose Whitney as a daughter, and I am so thankful that he is still with me on this journey called LIFE!
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
As I mentioned yesterday, we have two precious little girls. Whitney was born February 11, 2010. She was stillborn at 31 weeks, due to triploidy. She was very much loved and is still incredibly missed in our family. But she taught us more in her short life than I have learned in the previous 29 years. I am so blessed to be her mommy!
After Whitney, we had Gianna. She was born May 5, 2011. She is such a blessing to our lives! She is now almost 5 months old and is growing so fast! I love being her mommy, and am the luckiest person alive to be able to watch her grow and discover new things all the time!
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a wife, a mother, a daughter of the King. I am a Face of Loss and a optimistic dreamer. I lost my first child, Whitney, to triploidy a year and a half ago. You can read our whole story here. I have a husband whom I love more and more each day. We also have a second daughter, Gianna... our beautiful "rainbow" baby. She was born on May 5, and was worth every second of the journey it took to bring her into our family. We live in middle America, where my hubby is a youth minister and I am a stay at home mommy to Gia. So.... that's us in a nutshell. :)
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining my friend, Cassie, in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're mom to an angel baby and would like to join along, here are the writing prompts for each day:
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
I am looking forward to doing this writing, as I haven't really taken much time lately to think about my feelings. I always love thinking about Whitney, but sometimes its too difficult. So this will be a good way of remembering our journey, looking back on the past two years, and looking at where we are now.
I'd love to know if you join us in this blog challenge!
