Hopeful Anticipation

I walked into the kitchen to refill my ice water.  My parents had been holed up in the kitchen for well over an hour, being busy little elves wrapping all our Christmas presents.  Its rare that we are all together on Christmas.  My parents live overseas, and my sister, brother and I all live in different states spread across the country.  

As I walked over to the sink, mom said "I'm a little weepy today.  Its not because I'm upset, but I just really miss Whitney right now and think I need a hug."  I gave my mom a huge bear hug, tears welling up in my own eyes.  Mom pulled back and said, "I think Dad needs a hug, too."  I turned around and my teary eyes met the misty eyes of my daddy.  I gave him a huge hug, as we both said how very much we wished Whitney was here with all of us now.  

This is family.  This is Christmas.  Speaking the hard words, but never feeling alone in them.  I hardly get to see my parents througout the year.  But I am so thankful that when I do, they remember her.  There are three stockings hung on the stair rail for all the littles... Oh, how I wish there were 4.  But I am filled with joy and overwhelming gratitude for the Saviour that came to conquer death and give us life ever after with Him.  Our arms that ache to hold Whitney are filled with hopeful anticipation of the day that He will wipe the tears from our eyes, and we will meet her again.  But even better than that, we will know complete & holy worship of the One who loved us enough to send His only son, to die for my sins, so that we would not know eternal death but eternal life instead.  Oh, what a glorious gift!

My heart and prayers are with all of you who are missing a loved one this Christmas. Though the pain and loss are very real and ever-present, please know that in Christ-- the one who came to give us life eternal-- there is hope.  There is peace.  There is joy.  There is restoration.  There is redemption.  May you experience all of those this season.  

Our Wave of Light 2012

CYG: Treasured Item

This is the bunny that Sean and I got for Whitney before she was born.  People had told me that I should bring a stuffed animal with me to the hospital when she was born so that I wouldn't have empty arms.  You know, since my baby wouldn't be coming home with me.  We picked this precious bunny out at Anthropologie and have cherished it ever since.  When Whitney was born, we took pictures of Bunny holding her.  When I handed Whitney over, out of my arms for the last time, I clung to this bunny with all my might.  Bunny has snuggled between Sean and me on cold, rainy days when we missed her so much. And now, Gia love this bunny.  She lays on top of it and squeezes with all her might.  I love telling her about her big sister when she does this.  

International Wave of Light 2012

Tomorrow, October 15th is the International Wave of Light.  Its a day where everyone in their own respective time zone lights a candle at 7 p.m. in memory of the little ones who have passed away.  You leave the candle burning for at least an hour.  The effect results in a 24 hour wave of light across the world in memory of our babies.  I'll be lighting a candle for Whitney and all of her precious baby friends who have gone on before us.  Will you take a couple minutes to light a candle in her memory, too?  And if you do, I'd love to see a picture.  

CYG: Before Loss Self Portrait

This is a picture that my dad took of me while we were in Germany, the summer of 2001.  My whole family went on a European vacation that was a whirlwind art tour of some of the greatest museums in the world.  It was truly spectacular, and the trip of a lifetime.  I'd always had the wanderlust bug lying dormant in my soul, and this trip awakened it.  It was such a beautiful summer, one that I'll always remember.  It has nothing really to do with baby loss, other than the fact that it is a good reminder of the "me" I was before.  

Here's another "before loss" picture.  We were such babies in this picture!  It was taken either shortly before or shortly after we were married (I don't quite remember!).  Sometimes after loss, a marriage can get lost.  Husband and wife can begin to war against each other, rather than fighting for one another.  But I am so thankful for this man, my husband.  Throughout our whole pregnancy with Whitney, Sean was by my side 100% and then some.  The entire experience brought us closer together than I could have ever imagined.  He is the only one in the whole world who knows exactly how I feel about losing Whitney, and I am thankful for the nights he holds me while I cry.  I'm thankful for the unexpected times he mentions her name.  And I'm thankful for the joy with which we recall God's goodness in the midst of that trial.  We were both different people before our loss, but thankfully and only by the grace of God, we have changed together.  

CYG: After Loss Self Portrait

This is my fridge at the moment.  You can see Gia's most recent drawings proudly displayed, and right in the middle is a photocopy of Whitney's footprints, along with the name & phone number of the tattoo artist who is going to permanently draw them on my skin. (That's the purple dot... figured Ron didn't want the whole interwebs to have his cell phone number.) The perfect mingling of loss and restoration.  Grace and redemption.  And God's eternal goodness displayed on my fridge right now.  (Thank-you God for these simple, daily reminders of what you have brought us through.)

This picture was taken before the first Walk to Remember that Sean & I attended.  We drove down to L.A. to attend a Walk that one of my online Baby Loss Mommy friends was hosting.  She asked me to be the speaker for the event and I was thrilled!  I was also very newly pregnant with Gianna!  So this is a very precious picture for me.  We weren't telling too many people about the pregnancy at this point, but you can see a little bit of a 12 week or so belly here.  This whole season was such a collision of emotions... joy and grief in their entangled, elaborate dance.  

This was at the String of Pearls retreat in Frisco, Colorado that I attended in November 2010.  Still just 16 weeks pregnant with Gia, I was able to meet the two most amazing women I know.  They both walked my journey of loss with me, loving and praying for me from across the country.  God. is. so. good.

This is a selfie I took while in Colorado... this California girl was SO STOKED to see snow.  It was beautiful and absolutely breathtaking.  

Finally, one more "after loss" portrait.  I took this picture of us on Christmas Day.  After opening our presents and stuff, Sean & I headed out to Whitney's Lake.  It was so beautiful that afternoon.  We wished so much that we were still at home, knee deep in wrapping paper and playing with a 7 month old baby girl.  But instead, it was just us.  We were grateful to have each other, and to have "our" place.  

CYG: Sunrise

CYG: Sunrise

I saw this sunrise just a few months after Whitney was born.  I wrote about it HERE.  I'm rarely up for the sunrise, but when I am, its breathtaking.  

October Baby Loss Month: Capture Your Grief

*deep breath*

October is baby loss awareness month.  3 years ago, this month meant nothing to me, other than Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I knew people wore pink to support a cause, but I wasn't personally connected to that.  This month- October- as baby loss awareness month, meant nothing to me until, well, until I lost a baby.  

I love Fall.  Everything about it... the colors, the smells, the cooler temps, the pumpkin spice everything.  But inevitably, there's a moment the comes every October that hits me like a ton of bricks.  Its that moment where I remember, amidst all the warm fuzzies of Fall, that the cold is coming.  In addition to an increase of reminders of my status as a "baby loss mom", the cold month of February is just around the corner.  The month our Whitney was born and died.  Don't get me wrong- there is so much beauty in our story... the grace of God's timing, the goodness His sovereignty, the beauty of Whitney herself.  But it hurts.  It hurts a lot. Ten months our of the year, life seems to lug along, business as usual.  But October and February hard.  They're reminders of what we had and no longer hold in our arms.  

In the past, I've tried to blog through the month-- without much success.  So I'm not setting any time limit on anything or saying that I'll be writing every day.  With a busy toddler, that's just unrealisitic.  But I do want to participate in something that Carly Marie is doing with Project Heal called "Capture Your Grief."  If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a couple photos with that hashtag.  Its a great set of photo prompts to encourage remembering our children who have passed away.  I eventually want to get to them all, so know that I am working on it. Here's the line-up for this month.   

So I'm still here.  Surviving and thriving, but missing her, too.  

My Mom

Yesterday July 17 marked yet another year that has passed without my (Sean) mom.  As my consciousness awakened to what day it was I was flooded with the memories of that day that I have tried to suppress.  I will spare you the details but I can say that numbness of her death still plagues my heart.  How can it be? There are so many things left to do with her.  God how can you let such a thing happen after all my prayers to see her healed?

Since her death I have struggled letting anyone in who would serve as a motherly figure.  More often than not, it is something so deep in my subconscious that I am not fully aware of how I am acting until it is too late.  This bitter pain usually lays dormat, but for some reason yesterday I am fighting it yet again.

I am thankful for where God has been leading me this past year.  As I try and make sense of what I am feeling I am reminded of the blessing in my life today.  The loss of Whitney was unimaginable and felt like another dagger in my heart, but God remained faithful to us.  His faithfulness was not found in the birth of Gianna (although I rejoice greatly for that blessing) but it was found in what he accomplished 2000 years ago when the Father watched his Son die a criminals death.  It was God's faithfulness to his creation that he would make a way for sin's debt to be paid and that we would have union with God again.  I believe that if God is true and faithful to his promise of the gospel that his promise of a day when no more tears will fall or cancer destroys will also be true.

As I live anew in the gospel I am awakened to see and feel something that I thought would never be true. When I look at the love of the mother of my child I am overwhelmed with the overarching memory of my mom who loved me so much.  To my sorrow I have forgotten much of what my mom looked like, sounded like, and simply was like; but God has been gracious to me to remind of how she loved.

I am constantly reminded that life is but a vapor and one day too soon people in our lives will be gone.  Today I am reminded that love will leave a legacy that will never end.  I am also reminded that the only reason we know what love is...is because the Father has first loved us.

Sorry for the randomness of thoughts...feels good to just them out of my head

 

Loving My Story

I was reading a friends blog the other day, and a short little phrase of honesty really stood out to me.  It wasn't what she was writing about, or even what she intended to have "stick" with the reader, but it stopped me in my tracks.  In addition to saying that she loved her family and she loved her life, she also loved her story.  She is also a baby loss momma, and in the moment I was reading her blog post, I thought to myself "How can she say she loves her story?"  That got me thinking about our story, Whitney's story.  I love Whitney and I am so thankful for her life, but do I love our story?

At first, I answered "no."  An angry "no" to be honest.  Her story is not one that I would have chosen to write, though there are parts of it that are good.  I love the fact that I got to carry her and be her mom- but why was it only for 31 weeks?  And why did it have to be under such painful circumstances?  I loved giving birth to Whitney.  But why did she have to be dead when it happened?  Why could I never hear her cries or see life in her eyes?  I hate that part of her story.  I love that my mom was able to be at the hospital.  That was SUCH a God-thing.  She was flying in from EGYPT the day we found out Whitney passed away.  SHE WAS ALREADY ON HER WAY TO SEE ME!  But I hate that it all happened too early.

So on the surface, if you ask me "Do I love my story?" my answer would be no.  No, I really don't.  Its full of heartache and pain and death and loss.  Empty arms and vacant spaces that Whitney should be filling.  But just this weekend, I went out to lunch with a friend.  She's pregnant and we were talking about our previous childbirth experiences (as any and all moms do- by the way, how is it that conversations always seem to gravitate towards this?  Guess its just my season of life.  I definitely enjoy it, though!) and she asked something about Whitney.  I told her with joy about how my mom was able to be there, and my sister- who had a 3 month old baby of her own at home- were able to both be there.  With a heart full of loving gratitude I recounted details of that day Whitney was born- details that, on the surface, I seem to forget.  

Yes, Whitney's pregnancy was hard.  Sometimes it was sad.  Of course I wish that it had turned out differently.  I wish she were here to teach Gia things that only a big sister can.  But Whitney's story is overflowing with evidences of God's grace and mercy.  Visual, emotional, spiritual and senitmental reminders that even though sin corrupts things on this earth temporarily, God is still on His throne and He is eternally good.  He is forever loving towards ALL he has made and has compassion on His children (Psalm 145)!  And that is the part of Whitney's story that I LOVE.  

After thinking about all of those things, I asked myself the question again.  Do I love my story?  Yes.  Yes, yes, 100 times, yes!  I love that I was able to be pregnant with her in the first place.  Remember, we tried 3 years to get pregnant.  I loved telling my husband I was pregnant.  I loved buying maternity clothes & dreaming up nurseries.  Receiving Whitney's diagnosis was painful, but I love that God spoke through our hearts to the doctor we saw at the Children's Hospital.  It may not have changed his life forever, but it was definitely a witness to the goodness of our God.  Giving birth to our daughter, knowing she was already in Heaven was hard.  But God's hand was on us in ways I have never felt before and have never experienced since.  I love that part of the story.  And most of all, I love that God is still using Whitney to change people's lives.  He is still using her short life and beautiful story in all kinds of ways... helping people through miscarriages and other losses, helping families enjoy the time they do have with their children, helping parents make the difficult decision to continue a pregnancy despite a fatal diagnosis.  And most of all, giving HOPE.  I love that God has allowed such a potent theme of compassion and grace to flow through my life, and prayerfully, into the lives of others.

So yes, I love my story.  Pain, loss, heartache and all.  Because I love and live for a risen Saviour- one who has conquered the grave and gives grace freely to anyone who will follow after Him. So I guess that's just what I'm trying to do, and loving my story is a good place to start.  What about you?  What is your story?  Do you love it?

Mother's Day... For the moms who are but aren't

 

Mother's day is coming up.  And truly, this topic deserves much more time and thought than I can give it right now.  But I just read something that so blessed my heart that I had to share.  I know it will bless so many of my mommy friends out there.  We've all been there on that first Mother's Day without our babies.  I remember the first Mother's Day I was actually a mother.  2010.  Whitney had been born in February, and Mother's Day was of course, in May.  I remember thinking in 2009 how I had longed for a baby to be in my arms for years.  Surely next would be the year that would finally happen.  I was certain of it.  We were still trying to get pregnant, but we'd also started an adoption.  There was no way that I could not be holding my child the next year. 

Of course, we know what happened.  Mother's Day 2010 came and went.  And I felt more alone, more empty than ever. Maybe you've been there too.  Maybe you are there.  You should be holding your baby, snuggling her, or possibly still carrying him.  But you're not.  You're alone (or so it seems), your womb is empty, and instead of celebrating being a mom, you're dreading Sunday.  You're wondering how you will ever sit through a church service that will most likely be dedicated to everything that you feel you are not-- a mother. (For the record, I couldn't go to church on Mother's Day in 2010.  I didn't go in 2011 either.)

Please know, you are a mom.  If its your only child in Heaven and your arms physically ache with emptiness, know that you are still a mom.  Or if you have two kids already at home, but have one who now praises Jesus in Heaven, you are still a mom of three.  I know there are days when you won't feel like it.  There will be days when you don't feel worthy of the title.  But you were blessed with a life- for however short a season it may have been- and in that season, you became a mom. You are beautiful,and you are strong. 

You simply MUST go over to this blog and read this beautiful letter written for YOU.  I know, you may feel lazy and not want to take the extra effort to click the little link (oh! the exertion!) but do it anyway.  Really.... do it!  You will be blessed.

{for the mother that thinks she isn't}

Take My Hand

Today as I was getting ready to clean our bathrooms, I was searching for a playlist to get me into "toilet scrubbing" mode.  Ok, really I was looking for something uplifting and praiseworthy as I began this not so fun, but oh so necessary task.  I did a quick search for "New Praise 2012" or something like that and came up with what looked to be a promising playlist on Spotify.  Little did I know how blessed I would be by one little song in this queue.  I love God's surprises of love at unexpected times.

I was almost done with both bathrooms; as I was mopping the floors I heard one stanza from a song with pretty music... "I'm not asking for... safety..." was all I could make out (since I was sort of just half listening, half in dream land).  I quickly made my way to the computer and hit rewind.  Here is the beautiful song that was playing:



Its called "Take My Hand" by Linsay McCaul.  Here are the lyrics:

Take My Hand -Lindsay McCaul & Jason Ingram

I heard You say it, I know You did

You called me out into the waves and wind

And for a moment I was brave and strong

But now everything is going wrong



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand



I could have stayed back where I was before

And never met You in this raging storm

You’re telling me that faith is all I need

But fear is all that I can find in me



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take my hand





Cuz I would be ok if You’d take my hand

I wouldn’t be afraid if You’d take my hand

All would fade away if You’d take my hand

If You’d take my hand….



Didn’t You know that I’d be scared 

Couldn’t You see I was unprepared

I’m not asking for reasons You hold or the safety of land

I just need You to take...

Won’t You please come and take…

I just need You to take my hand

_____________________

I don't know the history of this song, but if it wasn't written specifically for a baby-loss mom, God sure used it to minister straight to my aching mommy heart anyways!  As soon as I heard the line "Didn't you know I'd be scared, couldn't you see I was unprepared/ I'm not asking for reasons you hold/or the safety of land, I just need you to take my hand" my mind was transported back several years to when I was carrying Whitney.  So scared.  So unprepared.  Feeling so inadequate but through it all, feeling immensely called.  Called to carry this fragile, tiny life.  To bring light to the gift that is LIFE in all situations.  I wasn't asking for reasons why she was sick.  I didn't ask "why us"?  Our constant prayer was for God's guidance.  To take my hand.

And he did.  Every step of the way.  I think of Peter with Jesus when he stepped out of the boat to walk on water.  To the other discipled in the boat, as Peter began to go under, it must have looked like he failed.  But Peter learned a valuable lesson that day.  Even in the midst of the storm, scary winds, uncertain outcomes Jesus will always be there.  Reaching out his hand.

So many times we ask for an explanation.  We ask for God to take away the pain immediately.  We ask for a quick way out, a teleport to safety.  But that's rarely how it works.  Pain is a part of life because we are fallen people.  But God is great even in the midst of our pain.  Often, we have to walk through it to get the full blessing that lies for us at the end.  God doesn't owe us an explanation for why things happen.  Sometimes there is no other reason than one word: sin.  But the glorious part of this whole entire life we are living is that sin and death are not the end.  God wins.  Every time and ultimately in the End.  God wins.  He conquered death when he sent his son, Jesus to die on the cross.  But he didn't stay dead.  He rose from the grave, and in doing so overcame sin and separation from God!  This is Good News people!  So when we look for explanations and immediate rescue, the safety of land, if you will- that's not always how it happens.  Of course I fully believe with all my heart that God can and does heal people, even still today.  But lately I have been trying to change my prayers a bit.  They are no long "God take this away. Amen."  There's something more like, "God, I know you can heal (me, this situation, this person, etc).  I believe in your power and your goodness.  But if you choose not to do that right now, show me how I can bring glory to your name through the journey."

I know this is applicable to so many different circumstances.  Really, any trial we may face.  God is right there with us.  He knows our hearts, the fear that creeps in.  But what he wants us to know and to take advantage of is that he is always there, reaching out his hand.  We just have to take it.  I hope that sharing this blesses someone else today the way it has ministered to me.  Such a beautiful song!

Baby Loss Link-Up

Today I am linking up with other moms who have lost children from Kelly's Korner blog.  I am so thankful that Kelly is doing this... Losing a child is difficult and can be a very isolating tragedy.  It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my grief.  This is the blog my husband and I started when we found out 20 weeks into my first pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal condition called Triploidy. The doctors all told us to abort our daughter- triploidy is always, ALWAYS fatal.  Talk about no room for hope!  But my husband and I knew that we serve a God of hope, and chose instead to continue my pregnance, and let God choose when He would take her home.  We figured that we had no hand in starting her tiny little heartbeat, and we had no right to make a decision to stop it.  

There was one verse in the Bible that really helped us make the decision to continue our pregnancy...Psalm 145

 ⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.

 ⁹ The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.

This showed us that for reasons beyond our comprehension, God has allowed this to happen to us.  But it also reassured us that He is GOOD to all he has made, including our baby girl.

My husband is a youth minister, and at the time I was pregnant, I worked at a crisis pregnancy center.  Some days it felt like a huge knife being thrust into my gut- seeing countless women, mostly young teenagers, who were pregnant and did not want their babies then there was me, pregnant with a baby we had longed for so much, knowing she would die.  I learned the value of life in that season, and that the Lord truly is gracious and compassionate to all His children.  In spite of my personal pain, God was teaching me to love people regardless of my circumstances. 

Throughout my pregnancy with Whitney Jill, there were many bittersweet moments.  The pain of knowing this baby would never crawl, or take her first steps, or say "mama" and "dada" was mixed with the joy of finally being pregnant after 3 long years of trying, and knowing that no matter what the outcome, we were parents!  Even though there was much sadness over what would never be, there was so much joy over the things God was teaching us through our tiny unborn baby.

Whitney was born February 11, 2010.  Her heart had stopped beating the day before I delivered her.  I was 31 weeks pregnant.  We were able to hold her, take pictures, bathe her, dress her, sing to her and kiss her.  I am forever changed because of her short life, and I know we will never forget her.

Here are some links to a few key posts:

The Beginning 

The Amnio Appointment 

Ultrasound Pictures!! 

The Diagnosis 

Maternity Pictures

Third Trimester! 

He Sings Over Me (God's Loving Care)

Day Before Delivery 

Whitney's Birth Story

The worst thing for a parent who has lost a child is the thought that that child may be forgotten.  We are blessed with some great friends who love to hear about Whitney, aren't afraid to ask questions and who will listen when I want to share something special about her.  That's another reason I think this link-up is so great... it allows us as parents to share about our children who are no longer here with us.  The truth is, I think about Whitney every single day.  Its been two years, and not a day goes by that I don't long to hold her.  So I am thankful for times like this where I can share more of my baby girl with others.

The rest of the story about us is, life does go on... we have since had another baby girl, Gianna (which means the Lord is gracious) who is completely, 100% HEALTHY and an amazing blessing to our lives.  She is a beautiful illustration of God's redeeming love.  I blog about our family life HERE.

(This is our little family on Easter!)

Girls In Galveston

I was cleaning out some of my emails today and I found this precious picture for Whitney's name gallery that I never posted.  Its from my bestie, Tracy and her girls.  They spent Thanksgiving in Galveston and she sent me this back in November.  I love how Whitney's name is written in the sand on either side of Emi.  Aside from being my best friend in the whole wide world, we also share a super special bond because we found out we were pregnant on the same day!!!  Me with Whitney and her with sweet Bella.  (Bella's the little one in the pic.)  So Bella will always have a special place in my heart because she reminds me of that awesome day, and helps me to think what Whitney would be like at her age.  Thanks so much BFF... I LYMY!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.

The Purple Sweater

I love this sweater.  It is absolutely beautiful.  I love its delicate lilac color, the softness of the yarn and the way the hoodie looks when its pulled up over Gia's bald little head.  But more than all of that, I love what this sweater represents.  It represents HOPE.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to go visit my sister who lives in Mesa, AZ.  Gia and I trekked across the country on her first ever plane ride (4 1/2 hours!)-- she did great!  We had a wonderful time with my sister, brother-in-law and my two nieces & Gia had a blast playing with her cousins.  While we were visitng, I got to meet an online friend, whom I had previously never met in person.  Years ago, when I was living in NC, I had a group of friends that I met online.  I know, I know... it sounds sketchy.  To be honest, I can't even remember the exact way we all met, but I spent a good deal of time just chatting with these women and sharing our lives long-distance.  I guess it was such a cool thing at the time because in the small town where we lived, I only had one other friend who was even remotely close to my age and she had two young kids.  So I could totally relate to my friends online, who were also fairly newly married with no kids.  Fast forward 5 or 6 years (and a coast-to-other-coast move), and I didn't really keep in touch with many of them.  Life got busy, but I still managed to keep up with just a couple of women from that original online group.

Then I got pregnant with Whitney and we learned she was sick.  These friends that I had never even met were such an encouragement to me.  Sending me messages and emails, but more than anything, they just felt my pain with me.  I didn't really know the extent to which my friends were affected by Whitney until I was in Arizona and got to meet one of them.  Caitlin (hey girl, hey!) and I went to lunch (with Gia, too) and started talking about Whitney.  Oh, how sweet it is to have friends who bring up her name.  I am so thankful for the many friends God has recently brought into our lives who do so.  Caitlin gave me this purple sweater (that she masterfully hand-knitted herself), saying she wasn't sure if it would fit Gia now or not.  See, she had originally made this sweater for Whitney.  She and our other friend, Tasia (hey girl!) were so certain that God was going to heal Whitney.  They had such hope and faith that she would be born alive, all would be well, and she would some day be wearing this purple sweater.  I am so humbled by their belief.

Now, two years laster, as I hold that sweater, I think about that hope and faith my friends had... that everything would be ok... that God would answer our prayers and make my baby girl alright.  And I thought about the outcome of that chapter of our lives... that Whitney isn't here and how seemingly, that hope fell flat.

Last week, in our small group, we were talking about prayer.  Specifically, we started talking about whether or not it does any good.  Afterall, some times it seems like no matter how hard we pray for something, God either doesn't hear us, or He just doesn't answer.  Several people mentioned how they prayed so hard for a loved one to be healed, but they died anyway.  A baby dying.  A mother.  A friend.  Where was God in all of that?  Why didn't he answer our prayers then?  And if he couldn't (or didn't) intervene then, where do we draw upon hope for future pains?  I don't know how praying works, but I know that it does.  Even in the midst of losing Whitney, I still felt God's peace surrounding us.  I believe that is largely due to all the people who were surrounding us with prayer.  I don't ever think its God's will for someone to die.  Remember, death was not in his original plan.  But because we live in a fallen world, crap just happens.  And sometimes it happens to innocents, like our babies.  And it sucks.  But that doesn't mean that we lose hope.  Our hope is in something far greater than our temporary circumstances... the hope that Christ brings is in something-rather, someONE, eternal.  Someone more powerful and worthy and awesome than we are able to comprehend.  Our hope is in the Risen Christ who is continually making all things new for His eternal glory.  1 Peter 1:3 articulates the true hope: "Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..."

As I look at the purple sweater sitting on the table beside me right now, I think about hope.  Hope wasn't lost when Whitney died. The greatest Hope I have is not in anything this world has to offer, but in the One who can bring life beyond this world and beyond my present circumstances.  And when I put this beautiful, soft sweater over the silky little head of my Gianna, I am doubly reminded of God's goodness.  After Whitney, we hoped for another baby.  We hoped and prayed that God would bless us with a child to raise and love.  He answered those prayers and more in Gianna.  Of course she doesn't replace Whitney... Whitney is an individual, irreplaceable. And just becuase our prayers weren't answered in the way that we thought would be best, doesn't mean that we lose hope or that God forgot about us.  In fact, its the exact opposite.  He was there beside us, loving us through our loss more than ever before.  This much I know is true: this life is fleeting; there will be good and there will be bad.  That is all the more reason to put our hope not in earthly things, but in the One above.  To surrender my will and my plans, my hopes and my dreams, to the One who holds them all in his hands.

I'll leave you with this from my favorite verse of all-time:

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (ESV)

Repost: Searching for Triploidy

This is a repost of a blog I wrote a few months ago.  In just the past 24 hours, there have been 19 unique searches for "triploidy" that have brought visitors to our blog.  If you are one of them, I just want you to know I am praying for you and your unique situation that only God knows the details of.  My heart goes out to you; I'd love to hear from you if you want to drop me an email. 

REPOST:

After dusting off the interwebs of this blog yesterday, I was looking at the traffic feed for it.  You know, that little thing that tells you where the blog visitors are coming from, and what brought them to the site.  I think the number one way that new people come to my blog is by searching for triploidy. Just today, in the past 16 hours (which is as far back as I could figure out how to go), 9 people have landed on our page about Triploidy and it makes my heart hurt.  I am glad that they've found our website, and hopefully they take a little time to read about our experiences with Triploidy.  But it makes me sad because each of those site visits represents an individual who has somehow heard the word "triploidy" in reference to a tiny little life they are just coming to know and love. 

These visitors have been from all over the place... Ohio, Minnesota, Massachusetts, the UK, and Germany.  But the thing that connects us all is that we're all searching for triploidy... what causes triploidy?  Is there a cure for triploidy?  What is the survival rate of triploidy?  Unfortunately, none of the answers are encouraging.  But I hope that when someone searches for triploidy in Google or Yahoo or wherever, they find our story.  And they are able to see the joy that we have from continuing to carry the pregnancy our daughter who had triploidy.  Sure, the ultimate outcome of Whitney's life was still the same-- she passed away.  But the blessings and hope and joys that we experienced along the journey are so great. 

I guess this is just a little interlude to say to those who've found us by searching for triploidy, I get it.  And I'm sorry.  You're probably in a whirlwind of emotions, doctor visits, advice and fear.  I'd love to talk to you if you want... you can email me or leave a message here, as I do check it regularly.  Just know that you don't have to walk this road alone.  There are even some unexpected blessings to behold that may be waiting along this difficult road for you. And please know one more thing... when I see that you've visited my site, I pray for you.  For your family.  For your friends.  Your doctors and specialists.  And I pray for your little one.  I pray for a miracle for you.  And I pray that as you enter this difficult season of life, you will know the grace and love and peace of God more than you have ever known it before. 

Psalm 145:8-9 

⁸ The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.  ⁹ The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.

I Wonder....

Today is Whitney's second birthday.  And as I sit here and watch my 9 month old daughter go back and forth between unfolding the laundry I just folded and chewing on blocks, I wonder what life would be like with a two year old. 

I wonder...

what words would she know?

what foods would she like?

what foods would she hate?

would she like to dance?

would she like dolls or dinosaurs?

stripes or polka dots?

would her hair be long or still slowly growing (like Gia)?

I could go on and on with a list as long as my arm of things I wonder about Whitney.  But I am so thankful for the time we did have with her while she was in my tummy, and the gift of carrying her for 31 weeks.  Because we chose to carry her, there are so many things I don't have to wonder about. 

I don't have to wonder if she could have been healed on this earth... I know now that wasn't God's plan.

I don't have to wonder who she would have looked like... she looked a lot like me.

I don't have to wonder if she would have curly hair... she did.

I don't have to wonder if her second toe would be longer than her first... it was.

I don't have to wonder what it would be like to actually hold her in my arms... I held her for hours. 

I don't have to wonder if God would really make good on his promises to sustain the brokenhearted and heal gaping souls... he does and still is. 

Even though we knew Whitney would not live life on earth with us, our decision to let her live out what short time God gave us with her here made all the difference in the world.  We have no regrets in the way we honored her life. And because we have hope in Christ, we don't have to wonder if we will ever see her again.  We will. 

After Whitney was born, the doctor ordered an ultrasound to see if I had fully delivered everything, or if I would need to also have a D & C.  The ultrasound tech who came into our room said, "I'm sorry for your loss.  But it looks like you know you will see her again."  With all the confidence in the world, I said "Oh, we WILL."  I am so grateful that God loves us enough that he sent his Son to earth, to die for my sins, so that we can be in Heaven with Him for eternity.  And in doing so, death is not the end.  I am so eternally grateful for that. 

So while it feels like we're two years further away from the day we last held our baby girl, in reality, we are two years closer to holding her in Heaven.  And I'm thankful for the things I don't have to wonder about, but have confidence in knowing. 

Another Song

Another song that really ministered to me with Whitney was Hillsong's "Desert Song."  I wrote about it HERE.  I vividly remember sitting on the edge of my bathtub, listening to this song in the morning as I was getting ready.  It geared me up for the day & gave me the perspective I needed to carry on. 

 

I hope you are all planning to keep your eyes open for a Random Act of Kindness opportunity this weekend!  I'd love to hear what you did... just pop back over here and leave a comment! 

I Will Carry You

In this week leading up to Whitney's second birthday, I want to share some beautiful songs that ministered to me while I was carrying her, and that are still speaking to my heart now.  The first one is "I Will Carry You" by Selah.  Its a beautiful song that so eloquently speaks the words of my heart. 

Angie Smith carried her daughter Audrey, knowing Audrey was not expected to live. Her story is one that encouraged me and gave me the strength to carry Whitney.

Whitney's Name in Bean Bags

I made these alphabet bean bags for my nieces a few weeks ago.  Before I gave them to them, though, I took a few seconds to snap some pictures for Whitney's name gallery!  :)

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.

2012 RAOK Day Printables

Here are a couple of fun printable pages that you can use when you are doing your Random Acts of Kindness.  You can just print them out, and include them in whatever you are doing.  For instance, last year, we gave a gift card to a dad and daughter at Olive Garden.  We purchased the gift card from our waitress when we paid for our meal, then slid one of the RAOK cards in with the gift card before we handed it to them.  The first printable can be used as a foldable card... the second is just flat, like a business card.  You can pay for the car behind you at Starbucks and have the barista hand them the card; tuck it in with a gift card; tape it to a vending machine along with some quarters; leave it in your mailbox along with a candy bar and thank you note for your mailman... the possibilities are endless!

Click the link for the PDF or click the pic for the JPG.

Download RAOK Tent Cards 2012

Download RAOK Cards 2012

Whitney's Day 2012- An Invitation for YOU!

I cannot believe Whitney's second birthday is just one week away.  I hope to write more on the subject, but I just wanted to get this post up to remind everyone that we are going to do another RAOK day, and would LOVE to have you all join us! 

You can read about all of last years' fun HERE.  There are some great ideas on Random Acts of Kindness HERE.  And soon I will have the printable versions of this year's cards up.  (Hopefully tomorrow (Sunday)).

So... will you guys please plan to join us next Saturday in sprinkling our world with a littl RAOK love, in memory of Whitney?  I am so excited to share her birthday with you all!  Feel free to share this invitation with others, too.

Still grieving and still hoping

This is Sean and I am sitting at the kitchen table in a lonely house.  Sheyenne and G have gone away to visit some family and I am left in the quiet with some time to reflect.  The loss of Whitney still weighs heavy on my heart.  I find myself locked into a strange conundrum though, in that I do not know how to correctly grieve the loss of my first daughter and have joy living in the moment with my second.  I know that the answer to my riddle is simple, that I can grieve the first and enjoy the second, but I don't know how to put this into practice. 

I see Gia and know that she has straight hair and when I held Whitney she had curly hair.  I miss that curly hair so much though.  I find myself fighting back any sort of sadness or sorrow because I now have so much blessing and joy in my life.  To be honest, I feel like a horrible father.  Pity is not what I seek but what I long for is a healthy balance of missing and rejoicing in the same breath. 

John the Baptist I believe could relate to my frustration.  He dreamt the dreams of what the Messiah would bring and he even saw the dove come down and mark the Son of God.  And towards the end of his life he finds himself locked away in prison.  Sitting in that cell could not have been very encouraging and I would venture to guess that doubt might have set in from time to time.  He knows the promise of what Jesus has come to fulfill.  He has seen the light of the world with his very two eyes.  And yet in Matthew 11 John the Baptist finds himself locked in a prison cell. 

I wonder if the Baptist is thinking back to his own words that he spoke "I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire." I wonder if he is confused because his current imprisonment does not match his understanding of what the Messiah was supposed to do, that those who believe and repent will have blessing and those who do not will have judgment?  So John does what we all wish we could do...and that is to send word to Jesus and hear his answer. 

I have to admit I love but hate what Jesus sends back to John.  First Jesus does not question his doubt, nor does he hold it against John because he goes on to build John and repeat the Baptist's mission in the world.  Jesus tells John's disciples all of the wonders and miracles that are being preformed daily.  Jesus wants John to know how the Kingdom is being shown on the earth and Jesus wants John to know how the Son of God is redeeming this fallen world.  But what did Jesus not tell John?  He told him that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are clean, and the deaf hear (amen!).  But what is missing from this response? 

There is no mention of the prisoners being set free.  John, you are going to die in prison.  I am still the Son of God, but you are going to die in prison.  Now we don't hear how John received this message, and I would venture to guess that since he was killed he put his faith in the right place and did not try and wiggle out of Herod's grip. 

As poor of a comparison to go from the Baptist to me, I too must believe what Jesus has spoken.  All around there are stories of healing and of miraculous things taking place, and who am I to demand from the God of the universe to bow down to my will and my desires.  I am grateful that Jesus let John doubt and ask if Jesus really is the Messiah.  I have asked as well, and I am constantly reminded who Jesus truly is and how he has never abandoned me. 

So to go back to where this all started, I will continue to grieve and miss my baby girl because really what father wouldn't.  But I will also hold true to the promise of my Savior, that he has come to deliver us from the bondage of our sin that so easily entangles this world and that he is coming back again for his glory and not mine.  I thank God that this little life named Whitney has brought him much glory and praise, and I pray that we all would strive to do the same.