Countdown to the BIG One

Whitney

On Monday, we have our "BIG" ultrasound at my dr.'s office.  Most people who are living in a blissful "what could possibly go wrong with my pregnancy" state call it the "gender ultrasound."  I remember the biggest thing I was worried about before this ultrasound with Whitney was that she'd have her legs crossed and we wouldn't be able to find out the sex that day.  Like, I very vividly remember being stressed about that!  It all seems so silly now.  It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot of my OB's office that the real panic started to set in... and I begged Sean never to leave me, no matter what the ultrasound showed.  He thought I was crazy, but my mother's intuition was right.  It was at this 20-week ultrasound when we found out so very much was wrong with our baby.

Whitney

So here I am again.  Less than a year after Whitney was born.  And I'm in the same position.  Similar fears are rising up, only this time, they're amplified.  Like, times a million.  I've given up the notion of regaining my "pregnancy innocence."  Done away with the dream of a worry-free pregnancy.  And this time around, I know so much more than I did on that November day in 2009 when my world flipped upside down.  

My mom used to always tell me that life is not fair.  I think we all know that to some degree, but we cling to the underlying sense that there is some form of justice in this world.  But this year, I've learned that's not true.  Sometimes, things really are simply unfair.  Unjust.  Not right.  And there is no one to blame.  I know now that there are so many terrible things that can go wrong in the fragile knitting of a tiny human being.  So much more than I could have ever imagined.

Baby Wilson #2 @ 13 weeks

 

Now here I am, 4 days away from this potentially life-changing ultrasound (again).  Every scenario is running though my mind...

... what if we go in and there's no heart beat?

... what if the doctor finds something horribly wrong (again)? (my list on this one is specific, but too terrible to write or fathom)

... what if the doctor finds something wrong, but we dont' quite know what it is?  And then we have to wait and wait and wait again for answers? (again)

... what if the doctor finds nothing wrong, and I continue to obsess and worry that the u/s wasn't thorough enough?

... what if everything looks perfect with the baby, but something unforeseen happens in the end (again)?

 

I guess it feels good to write this all out.  I know that I need to trust my doctor and his quarter-century of experience in delivering healthy babies.  I need to trust that the Lord who was good enough to bring us through our pain with Whitney is good enough (and big enough) to bring us through this, too.  

My mom told me about a Bible study she was a part of (I think it was Beth Moore's Esther) when Whitney was born.  One of the things that stuck out to my mom was to ask the question "What's the worst that could happen?" and then follow that up with "Then what?"  The point was, in the end, when we get down to the very dakest of our worst fears, even if they do come true, we wind up on our knees before the Father and somehow manage to move on.  

I know if the worst of my fears were to come true (which would be to find something wrong and have to endure weeks or months of waiting to find out what it is-- that's the worst... not knowing), we'd still be ok.  God would still be good, and we would still be His.  We've done this all before, and I guess we could do it again, but it would suck.  A lot. 

I have a 'feeling' that this is all going to be ok, nothing like last time... but there are moments when so much fear just creeps in, its paralyzing.  Ok... so all that to say... can you pray for us?  I have one more (very LONG) work day tomorrow, then the weekend...then my appointment is first thing Monday morning at 8 am.  Here are some specific things you can pray for:

* Peace in the days leading up to our ultrasound

* A healthy baby!!!!

* Wisdom for our dr. performing the ultrasound

* Thoroughness in the ultrasound (checking every organ and date)... and that I would trust the doctor's skill 

* That the ultrasound equipment will be advanced enough to calm my fears

* That there will be no ambiguity in the findings... the waiting is the worst

* For hope to rise within us, that this will finally be a "take home" baby

* Health for all of us (Sean is sick right now)

* Again, peace that passes understanding

Oh! And as for the gender findings... we are hoping to wait until Christmas to find out if its a boy or girl.  We're praying that all goes smoothly with the ultrasound and that we will joyfully ask the dr. to put the "money shot" picture in a card and open it on Christmas day.  So.... I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for the prayers.