Wisdom

Reverb 2010- Day 10

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? 

I made a lot of decisions this year.  Tough decisions.  Decisions that no one should ever have to make.  The hardest decision, of course, was whether or not to continue carrying Whitney, despite her life-limiting diagnosis.  

I think I've written on here before that Sean and I really did struggle with this decision.  It took some time for me to truly own up to that fact-- the fact that for a brief time, we considered if there were any pro's to terminating our pregnancy.  But in the interest of full disclosure here, we did.  It was perhaps the third most life-defining moment thus far.  (See HERE for the first two most important decisions you'll ever make.)  Even though I have been an active part of the pro-life community since college, with a thorough knowledge of aboriton and the life-long devastation it causes, we still had to look at all of the options that were presented to us.  And not because we wanted an easy way out, but because we were desperately worried about bringing pain to our baby or the pain she was potentially experiencing.  

By the grace of God, we took time to pray, seek counsel and search God's promises for some direction.  Without fail, our Heavenly Father came through (as he always does).  I was comforted by the Psalms that told me "the Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."  These verses told me that it was not my job to be the mercenary for my daughter... it was not my job to determine her fate.  I had no say in when her tiny heart started beating, and I was to have no say in when it would stop beathing.  The Lord is good to all.  Including my daughter.  His perfect, tiny creation.  

I have no regrets about that decision.  There were a lot of "what if's" during my pregnancy, but when all was said and done, every last question was answered.  I know what she looked like, how she smelled, whose features she had.  Had we listened to my doctor and aborted at 24 weeks, we would not have had those answers.  We would have never held her.  Yes, it was a tough few months until her delivery, but every day of uncertainty was worth it for all of the finality we now have.  Termination does not provide that kind of closure.  It just leaves an empty womb, which I was going to have one way or another, sooner or later.  

That was the best decision I made this year.  And I would do it all over again if I had to.  An equally great decision was the choices that Sean and I made every day to wake up and continue loving one another.  Even though some days, our grief made us really ugly.  We still loved and cared for and cherished each other...even more than we ever had before.  Many couples don't make it through such trying times, but I am so thankful for my partner in life!  And that decision, I would make a million times over!