My dear, sweet friend Idette sent me this beautiful picture from Kauai... I love it! I love the flower used to "dot" the "i". (Is it a frangy pangy flower?) Gorgeous! Thank you so much Idette!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.
Below is a link to a petition for grieving parents to receive leave for bereavement under the Family Leave Act.
Thankfully, I was able to take my full maternity leave after Whitney died. I remember the days and weeks of walking around in a fog, wondering if this was really my life. I had to relearn how to live my life in this new sense of normal. Everything from sleeping to eating to driving and shopping was completely foreign and had to be relearned. I am thankful for the time I had on maternity leave to get used to just living life before I had to face what all of that meant for my job.
I know that many women receive maternity leave, but if your pregnancy loss was early, you were not able to take maternity leave. Or, if you had a c-section you barely get your feet back on the ground then have to return to work and face the public.
There are also mommas that lose their babies several weeks after birth due to the poor/fatal diagnosis. Their maternity leave runs out and have to return to work shortly after burying their child.
This Parental Bereavement Act is an amendment to the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) that will extend benefits to employees who have experienced the death of a child. There are so many ways that our little ones are not acknowledged when they pass away, especially if the baby is stillborn (as was our case). We did not receive a birth certificate, she was not acknowledged on our taxes, and if she had been born much earlier, I would not have been eligible for maternity leave. This is a great way to allow families time to heal without having the extra stress of missing so much work to grieve.
Its super simple to sign the petition online... only took a couple of minutes. Click the link below to sign! You don't have to be a baby loss momma to care!
A couple of times, I've been blessed to make birth announcements for precious angel babies. The women, families and babies I've met have touched my heart and changed my life. As I spent time creating each birth announcement, and perfecting it to the mother's liking, I prayed for their families, the lives they touched. One person I was blessed to meet through that was a fellow angel mum to Christian, Erin. She sent me this beautiful picture from a recent trip to Gulf Shores, AL. I am continually in awe of the amazing people I meet on this journey... a journey I would never have chosen for myself but have been blessed beyond belief beause of it. Here's the picture she sent:
Beautiful, right?! Thank you so much, Erin for thinking of me and Whitney Jill. We will never forget your Christian, either! :) Love you friend!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Gia is our rainbow baby so she came after Whitney. No doubt she will somehow be affected by that, but she's too young right now. So my relationship with Sean... like I said before, through this all, he has been my rock. We have gotten so much closer over the past two years, I cannot imagine living life without him. I'm a lucky lady. :)
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
It depends on the day you ask me. ;) Generally, yes. As with most everything, the intense pain has gotten better with time. And although I think of her every day, most days are less painful than they were in the early days after her loss. I used to think of each day after she died as one day further away from the last time we held her, but now I am able to think of it as each day being one day closer to holding her again in Heaven.
But the hard days are still there. Like watching the video in the previous post was really hard. I tend to push things out of my mind that I don't want to think about... but seeing her precious little heartbeat on the ultrasound, her hand waves and her sweet little 'jumps' make me miss her all the more.
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Yes! We have several things that we started to keep Whitney's memory alive and to honor her life. First of all, we started a memorial fund that helped to purchase an ultrasound machine for the mobile ultrasound clinic at the Pregnancy Care Center in Fresno. I need to do an update on that post soon!! But, we purchased an awesome ultrasound machine that has already saved multiple babies' lives, and it has a little plaque on in that says "In Memory of Whitney Jill." I was able to share with one mom-to-be about Whitney, and how we chose to carry her even though she was sick. It was so awesome to have that opportunity. Here's a video about that:
(click on it to see the whole thing... it gets cut off with the dimensions of this blog)
Secondly, on Whitney's birthday, we started the tradtion of doing a Random Act of Kindness Day. Many of you guys participated last year, and we are still planning on doing something again this year. It may not be as elaborate as last year was, but we will still do it-- and hope you will join us again! See our complete rundown of the day here.
Another way we remember Whitney in our family is by creating Aunt & Uncle Day. It is April 16, which was Whitney's original due date. Its a way for us to remember Whitney while also honoring her aunts & uncles! See what we did this year and last year.
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
This is probably one of the hardest questions that a baby loss mom will have to deal with. I will never forget the first time someone asked me this question after Whitney died. I was at a Mary Kay event with a friend, and I had to stand up and introduce myself. It was exactly one month to the day after I'd had Whitney, and the director asked if I had any kids. I was still so raw and sad, I just wanted to crawl away... so I said no. I cried the entire way home, then tried to explain to Sean how I felt like I had just denied my only child who had died. It was horrible.
Since then, I've learned to give myself a little bit of grace when the question arises. Sometimes, I've surprised myself and said, "Yes, I had a daughter but she passed away." But reactions are usually worse than just saying "no." Take for instance, the waiter at Olive Garden the day we went to eat there after Whitney's memorial service. She asked if we were celebrating anything so I, feeling brave, said yes... we were celebrating my daughter **waitress's face begins to light up with a smile** who was now in Heaven. **waitress's face falls to the floors as she flusters around to verbally vomit an apology while trying to run away from us as fast as possible.** It was awkward, to say the least.
So really, it depends on the situation, the surroundings, and the person who is asking. I'm now able to say that we have two daughters, one who has passed away. I can usually say that without crying, so that's progress, right? But it is such a tricky question.
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
I do get reminders of Whitney every now and then. When we lived in California, reminders of her were everywhere. And I loved it. There were a lot of "Whitney Avenues" around Fresno-- we lived off of Whitney Ave! So I'd get reminders of her almost on a daily basis. While I was pregnant with Whit, we were intentional about making memories with her... things that were special to us at the time. The morning that we went to the hospital to have Whitney, the trees across our street had just burst into beautiful white blooms--seemingly overnight, like they appeared just to celebrate her life. I haven't seen any of those trees here in Mid America yet. But they always remind me of Whitney.
I love when people email pictures of Whitney's name for her name gallery. Those always seem to come at just the right time, when I really miss her. After we moved, I was telling Sean that I was kind of disappointed that I hadn't found any "Whitney" pictures around town. There were reminders everywhere in Fresno (remember how her name was written in cement on our back patio?!) and I was struggling with how to keep her memory here. He kept telling me, "Just wait. It will come."
A few weeks after that conversation, we got my new license plate in the mail. I was so shocked when I saw it... Sean got me a personalized license plate that says "WHITTY J".... there's a little bit of a story to this reminder. After Whitney died, Sean began to write a children's book series about a girl named Whitty J who was a clever young girl who liked to solve mysteries. Her name is Whitney Jill, but her friends call her Whitty J (get it, 'witty'?). It was therapeutic for Sean to write the Whitty J story... he could imagine what she would look like, what she would say, wear, do, etc. He hasn't written any in a long time because he said its just too painful to think about her now. But I love the first story he wrote... maybe some day I can share it on here. Its kind of like Ladybug Girl meets Nancy Drew for little kids. Really cute. Anyways, that's the story behind the license plate. I love it. Now I have a sweet reminder of Whitney everywhere I go! And she is 'with' us in thought wherever we go, too!
Other reminders of Whitney that pop up here and there include ladybugs, white lillies, the Olive Garden, and black and white damask print.
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I think on different days it has been different things. Through most of the grieving process, it is just putting one foot in front of another. A lot of people say (or think) "I don't konw how you do it... I don't know how you keep going." The truth is, what choice do I have? When a child dies, a part of you dies, too. But you just kind of keep putting one foot forward, day in and day out, until you are alive again. There were days I didn't get out of bed. There were days I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to. Then there were days that I actually looked forward to getting up.
While I was pregnant with Whitney, I worked at a pregnancy center. I had always had a very strong sense of value on human life in all stages, and part of my job there was to help educate women about the importance of life. I got to share some of the amazing things about how we are created-- that our hearts start beating just 3 weeks after conception! Fingers start to develop at just 7 weeks! And all the cool amazing things about the way babies develop from the earliest moments. And just because Whitney was sick didn't mean she was of any less value to us or to God. It was definitely hard to be pregnant with Whitney and see women choose not to carry their healthy babies to term, but I also felt it was the ultimate test in my life... an opportunity to really practice what I preach, so to speak. And many days, the hope that sharing Whitney's life will save another little baby keeps me going.
So that's kind of a jumbled answer to the question. But its just a mixture of everything... some days I keep breathing because I have no other option. Other days, I am optimistic with hope, and determined to make Whitney's life continue to count for something. And most certainly, nowadays, it is the precious rainbow baby sleeping in the other room that keeps me going. :)
Day 3: Who has been your "rock" through this whole experience?
Well, the obvious answer is that God has been the One constant who has kept me going on the rough days. For some reason, I didnt spend a lot of time being "mad" at him or questioning why bad things happen to good people. For the most part, I have come to accept in my life that there is sin in the world, and that's why crappy stuff happens, not beause God makes it happen. So definitely, God has been my Hope in the midst of the darkness.
That said, He has given me the most amazing life partner who has been my rock by my side through thick and thin- my husband, Sean. When we were going to all the doctor's appointments and things like that, Sean was always by my side (even at the amnio, which made him more queasy than me!). He did the unpleasant things like making funeral arrangements and dealing with the cremation. He filled in the gaps where I couldn't. He made final decisions when I really just needed him to make a choice. He loved Whitney by the way he loved me and took care of me when I was carrying her. I have no idea how I could have walked this journey alone. He is the only other person on this planet who knows what it felt like to lose Whitney as a daughter, and I am so thankful that he is still with me on this journey called LIFE!
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
As I mentioned yesterday, we have two precious little girls. Whitney was born February 11, 2010. She was stillborn at 31 weeks, due to triploidy. She was very much loved and is still incredibly missed in our family. But she taught us more in her short life than I have learned in the previous 29 years. I am so blessed to be her mommy!
After Whitney, we had Gianna. She was born May 5, 2011. She is such a blessing to our lives! She is now almost 5 months old and is growing so fast! I love being her mommy, and am the luckiest person alive to be able to watch her grow and discover new things all the time!
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
I am a wife, a mother, a daughter of the King. I am a Face of Loss and a optimistic dreamer. I lost my first child, Whitney, to triploidy a year and a half ago. You can read our whole story here. I have a husband whom I love more and more each day. We also have a second daughter, Gianna... our beautiful "rainbow" baby. She was born on May 5, and was worth every second of the journey it took to bring her into our family. We live in middle America, where my hubby is a youth minister and I am a stay at home mommy to Gia. So.... that's us in a nutshell. :)
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining my friend, Cassie, in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're mom to an angel baby and would like to join along, here are the writing prompts for each day:
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
I am looking forward to doing this writing, as I haven't really taken much time lately to think about my feelings. I always love thinking about Whitney, but sometimes its too difficult. So this will be a good way of remembering our journey, looking back on the past two years, and looking at where we are now.
I'd love to know if you join us in this blog challenge!
When someone receives the diagnosis of triploidy, a million questions flood the mind. But the biggest one is usually, "Now what?" How does life go on? What do I do next? Where do I go from here? I can't answer the questions of "Why us?" but I can give my thoughts on preactical things to do to prepare for the birth of your special baby. Here are some suggestions on things to do as you prepare for the arrival of your precious little one.
Every moment that you have with your little one during pregnancy is precious, but even more so when you realize that those are the only moments you may have with him or her. You probably want to start planning for her arrival, making funeral arrangements and assuring that you have all the things you need to make precious memories with your baby when he arrives.
Many people ask where to start. Good question... You've already done one of the hardest part, and that is making the amazing decision to continue your pregnancy until God calls baby home. I am praying that you feel peace about that and that God will truly bless the remainder of your pregnancy the way he did mine. My pregnancy with Whitney was so bittersweet. How could it not be? But I really tried to focus on the "sweet", knowing that the "bitter" would come in due time. So that's where I would say to start... savor every second you have with your baby in your belly. Every craving you have, write it down. Or just remember it. Any song you hear that touches a heartstring, write it down. Make it "his" song. I don't know if you can feel your baby move (I could barely feel Whitney because she was so small), but if something you eat or drink really gets him going, write it down as "his" favorite food.
By creating things specific to your unborn baby, you are creating memories for yourself and family that will last a lifetime. For instance, we went to the Olive Garden the same day we found out Whitney was a girl. It was there that we decided on her name. So we always say that is "her" restaurant. We think of her every time we go there, and we even ate there after her memorial service. We also have Whitney's song ("River Flows In You" by Yiruma) that was playing in our delivery room the moment she was born, and a Bible passage that is "her's" (Psalm 145). These things help me to feel connected to her even now. So that is my spiel about enjoying the moments you have with your little one in your belly. Make memories... go to the zoo, a park, anything. Get out and make memories as a family of 3 (or 4 or 5 or whatever your case may be). Yes, the moments will be bittersweet. But my prayer is that as you walk this journey, your pregnancy will be filled more with the "sweet" knowing that the "bitter" will come in its own time. I felt an urgency to try to plan all these things for when she passed away, but I had to remind myself that she was still with us, and I should enjoy it. So I know there are so many things to prepare and think about, but I hope and pray you can quiet those tasks to enjoy some of your pregnancy.
Have maternity pictures taken professionally. Or if you can't do them professionally, be intentional about taking pictures of your pregnant belly. Even if you don't think you will want them, take them anyways. You can always hide them in a shoe box under your bed if you don't want the pictures. But you can't create a picture out of thin air once the time has passed.
So now on to the practical things you can do to prepare for your little one's arrival. Of course you want to be as prepared as you can for the unthinkable, so here are some things that I would suggest.
1. The first thing I would suggest is to contact Laura from an organization called "String of Pearls." You can request a keepsake kit... she will send it to you free of charge and she is just such an amazing woman. You can check out her website here: http://stringofpearlsonline.org/ Just email her and let her know about your diagnosis and tell her I sent you her way. I had the opportunity to meet her in person last year and she is truly an amazing woman and awesome prayer warrior. Her keepsake kit will have all you'll need to make memories. We weren't able to use the clay that she included because Whitney's hands and feet were too fragile, but she included stamp ink and supplies to put your baby's footprints on an ornament and some other stuff. She really thought of everything in putting together her keepsake kit.
2. The second person I would suggest contacting is Heidi from Angel Babies. She makes infant gowns especially for babies like our's. She has multiple sizes available, too. Whitney was always very, very small. Her limbs and head generally measured on track, but her belly was tiny. Heidi sent me two sizes, but even the smallest was a little too big. But we still made it work and the pictures were beautiful. Here is her website: http://angelbabiesinfo.com/ Again, its totally free. For Whitney, we had two outfits. One that the hospital provided and the one from Heidi. I wanted to be able to keep an outfit that she had worn, as well as have something for her to be cremated in (more on that in a bit). I hadn't thought about this ahead of time, but when the hospital said they had tiny gowns we could choose from, I was so thankful. We first dressed her in the gown from the hospital and took pictures. Then we put her in the gown from Heidi and took more pictures. Then we left that outift on her when we sent her to the funeral home. We also had two blankets for this same reason. I wanted to keep one that she had been wrapped up in, but also wanted her to be wrapped up when we gave her to the funeral home, too.
3. The third thing I would consider doing is contacting an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." They take beautiful pictures free of charge and give you prints of them for free. They usually do beautiful editing, as well. We tried to get NILMDTS in to take pictures for us, but for whatever reason, it didn't work out. You should get in touch with your area director before your baby is born (anytime- the sooner the better) and then call them when you go to deliver. Sometimes they will even do maternity shoots for you. (Which, btw, I would TOTALLY recommend doing a maternity photo session. You may think you won't want the pictures now, but at least you will have them if you do in the future. Same goes for pictures at birth... I would say take as many pics as you can. Maybe even have a family member in the delivery room with you to take pictures. (If you feel comfortable. I totally understand some people don''t want that. We had my mom & sister in the delivery room with my husband and I when Whitney was born and I am so glad they were there to take pictures for us. We have several hundred from that day and I am SO glad I have them.) But back to NILMDTS... We didn't use them but I know a lot of my friends have and loved the pics. The photographers are volunteers so sometimes it may take a while to get your pictures back, which is why I also recommend having someone else there to take pictures, too. Here's their website: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ There is a link in red at the bottom to "find a photographer."
4. Another thing you can do (but is not imperative) is develop a birth plan. Laura's website (String of Pearls) has a great link for suggestions for your birth plan. Heidi (Angel Babies) also has a book you can download in PDF that has recommendations for this as well. Its basically just putting in writing things that you want or don't want to happen, but may not be in the frame of mind to think of on the day of delivery. I would also recommend appointing someone who will be in the delivery room with you to be your advocate. (Your husband or whoever you feel most comfortable with.) Just someone who knows how you want things to go and will tell the nurses/doctors. My mom was that person for me... she insisted things be done the way I wanted them to be done, so that I didn't have to exert the energy. It was nice. You can also let friends and family know ahead of time what you want in the way of visitors that day, and let your "advocate" be the one to handle that. If you want visitors, great. If you just want family time, great. It is totally up to you...don't feel like you "should" do something a certain way. This is one time in your life where you have full permission to do things your way, and what is best for your family. Again, this isn't a mandatory thing but it helped make the day run smoothly. Also, if you have a perinatal hospice in your area, I would suggest calling them. We met with our's the Friday before Whitney was born, not knowing she would come so soon. When I called them to tell them that Whitney was going to come early, they called the hospital where I was delivering and made sure I got an awesome nurse who was highly experienced in dealing with infant loss. This made all the difference in the world!
5. The final piece to have in place are his funeral arrangements. I always hate talking about these the most because there is nothing "normal" about it. I have to admit, before Whitney was born, we did not have any of this planned. Like I mentioned before, she came several weeks earlier than we thought she would. My husband made a few phone calls to funeral homes before Whitney was born but hadn't actually met with anyone and made arrangements yet. The only thing we knew was that we wanted to have her cremated so we could bury her remains at a later date. We lived in California at the time, far away from our family and homes, so we knew we wouldn't be there forever and didn't want her buried there. I was shocked at how much the prices for infant cremation varied. Seriously, we got a range of $200 to almost $1000. So it does pay to check around. The day we went in to deliver, our nurse asked if we knew what funeral home we were going with. We didn't. She recommended one, so we called, and they had the best price. We were so thankful for that and they wound up being wonderful. So if you have any connections to the delivery nurses at your hospital, they may have a good suggestion. This may seem like such a big piece of the puzzle, and like there is so much to do in this regard, but as we found out, it doesn't have to be a HUGE process. The funeral director came to the hospital and picked up Whitney, then she came to our home to have us sign paperwork and then again to deliver her ashes. There is more detail involved if you choose to do a casket burial and funeral service. But I guess the best thing in this step would be to first select a funeral home that you feel you can trust and who seems to have a sincere interest in helping your family through this difficult time. I gave that task to my husband and was so thankful he took that on.
Most of all, give yourself grace. It is easy to feel rushed, like you "should" be doing a lot of things. But just realize that what will happen, will happen. You can do your best to be prepared, but don't over-exert yourself.
My cousin Stephanie recently went to California and took these pictures for us while she was there. This one is from Camp Pendleton:
This one is on the beach in Coronado behind Hotel Del Coronado.
I love seeing Whit's name in the sands all over the world. Thank you, Stephanie for remembering our baby girl with us!!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
It has been forever since I've had a new picture for WHitney's name gallery. My dear, sweet friend Caitlin took this one for me today. Thank you so much! I absolutely love it. It was taken in Tortilla Flats, AZ. She said the crazy thing was that there was only ONE tag for Whitney and ONE tag for Jill!
Caitlin said this on her Facebook when she posted the pic: For sweet Whitney Jill Wilson, always with us every where we go.
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
Our life has been a crazy whirlwind lately. Sean started a new ministry at an awesome church in Middle America so in just the past month, we moved to a small town, became a one-income household, moved back to a "shared" living situation (duplex) and are continuing to fall more and more in love with Gia every day. Before we even officially accepted the position at our new church here, it just felt like "home." We were in California more than 3 years, and in many ways, our new place feels more like home than Fresno ever did. Our church is warm, inviting, exciting, renewing and most of all, God-fearing & Bible-teaching. We feel so blessed beyond our dreams.
But one thing that kept nagging at me before we even moved was that no one in our new home- wherever it was going to be- would know about Whitney. They hadn't walked with us through my pregnancy and our diagnosis. They weren't a part of WHitney's memorial service. No one in our new home would know the "Sean & Shey" before Whitney... they are just getting the Afters. Not that the Afters version of us is bad... its just different. We're probably a bit more protective of our Rainbow baby Gia than other new moms & dads might be. We're probably a bit more sensitive when we hear of friends who miscarry or lose a child. We definitely get sad at odd times (Christmas, Baby Dedication Sunday, Father's Day Mother's Day, February 11, April 16, etc). And we certainly have a stronger sense of family and the shortness of the life than we did before. We are an After version of the couple we were before losing Whitney, but by the grace of God, the Afters are stronger, and more in love with Christ and each other than we were before.
We've been faced dozens of times with the question of "Is this your first?" Not wanting to run off every member of our new church family with the story of the past 18 months of our lives, we've chosen to just smile and say "yes" for the most part, trusting that in due time we will be able to share the miracle of life that Whitney is. God has already blessed me with a friend who has experienced baby loss in her family, and I've been able to talk a lot about Whit with her on several occasions. I am looking forward to seeing how God is going to use WHitney's life and story in our new location. I have several ideas for things I'd like to do, and am just praying about what God would have us do.
I am so thankful for where God has us right now. I am so thankful for our beautiful girl, Gianna. She continues to grow day by day. I've missed Whitney an awful lot lately... thinking of all the things she would be doing, they ways she'd be growing and what she would look like. Simultaneously, I am delighting in Gia's milestones (rolling over!), reveling in her laughter and covering her with all the love and kisses that any 24 hours time period can possibly hold. My heart is full. After Whitney passed away, I wondered if I would always feel that hole in my heart for her. While I still certainly feel her loss and miss her every day, the Healer of my heart has filled that hole with hope and joy and promise that we will be together again some day. My heart is so full!
Here's a little family portrait to finish things off! (This is the only "family" picture we've taken since Gia was born! Shame on us, I know...)
Ok, for real though:
We are keeping really busy these days with our new bundle of joy, Gia. She is full of personality, smiles and love for her momma & daddy. We can't get enough of staring at her some days! One thing taht we talked a lot about before Gia was born is how we are going to help her know her big sister, Whitney. I didn't really know what it looked like before she was born, but now that Gia is here, I've found it pretty easy to incorporate Whitney into our conversation.
In the first few weeks of Gia's life, both Sean and I missed Whitney terribly. It was almost as bad as the first few months after she died. I think we were seeing so much of what Whitney might have been, in Gia, that it just hurt so much to know we never got to experience these newborn things with Whitney. As times has gone on, it has gotten better, but we still miss Whitney tremendously. She would be almost a year and a half old right now, and I just wonder what she'd be up to, what milestones she would be reaching.
Sometimes, when Gia sleeps, she looks a lot like Whitney. In the early days with Gia (I say that like it was so long ago, but you know what I mean!), Sean and I both talked about Whitney to her a lot. There's no doubt she'll grow up hearing all about her big sister. One thing I am thankful that Sean and I did with Whitney is that we kind of "imagined" things that she would have liked... for instance, the song I played while in labor with her, "River Flows In You" by Yiruma is "her" song. We got a beautiful bouquet of white lillies from our friends Jimmy & Megan when she was born, and I think she would have loved lillies. So now, they are "her" flower. She has "her" Bible passage (Psalm 145) and "her" restaurant. Little things like that which are unique to Whitney help us keep her memory alive and pass it on to Gia. I play Yiruma for Gia sometimes and tell her about Whitney.
So though I am beyond sad that Gia won't have a big sister here on this earth, I am thankful that she has one who is in Heaven. And I am looking forward to the day when Gia is old enough to look through Whitney's scrapbook album with me.
For those of you who have had babies after a loss, how do you keep the memory of that child alive with future children?
Gia wearing her "Little Sister" onesie.
My friend, Robin recently sent me this picture she took for Whitney's name gallery while on vacation in Negril, Jamaica. Sounds like a great time... Sean and I have been to Ocho Rios, Jamaica and LOVED it. It means so much to us that you guys still remember Whitney. In no way has Gianna replaced Whitney in our hearts, nor will she ever fill that gap in our family, and we are especially grateful for our friends and family who still remember to mention Whitney to us. Thank you for this picture, Robin!! :)
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
Just wanted to give a quick update... our beautiful baby girl, our amazing Rainbow baby, is here! Gianna Noelle was born May 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm. We are home now and learning to get in our new groove. :) Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers throughout this pregnancy.
I am amazed at how overwhelmingly I have been missing Whitney since Gianna was born. I wish she was here to be Gia's big sis, but we've already told Gia about her big sister in Heaven. We can't wait to tell her more. I'll update more later! But now for what you really want... pictures!
The end of my pregnancy is really starting to take its toll on me. This Rainbow Baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined it would be. I am so utterly excited to meet and hold our little girl, but the fact of the matter is, she's not in my arms yet. Something could still go wrong.
The only frame of reference that I have for any kind of labor and delivery process is what happened with Whitney. I went into labor at almost 31 weeks, and she passed away in utero, while I was having contractions. So now, as I sit here 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Gianna, I can't help but think about that every time my abdomen hardens. (Don't get excited though-- I'm not in labor yet... just those annoying Braxton Hicks contractions... no painful ones.)
Every rational and irrational fear is flying through my head at a hundred miles per hour. What if there is something wrong with Gia that we didn't know about? What if something happens during delivery? What if she just dies for no reason, as I've learned that babies sometimes do? What if we havent' found a job yet because there is going to be something wrong with Gianna? Or worse- what if God isn't providing us with a job yet because we won't have a baby to provide for? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF. I KNOW I can't live my life in the "what-ifs" but they won't stop assaulting my brain.
I learned many years ago, when my thoughts become irrational, I need to ground myself with what I know to be true, versus what could just maybe potentially become reality. So what I know to be true right now is that Gianna is healthy. We have no indication that anything is wrong. In fact, she's moving around quite a bit still-- especially for as little room as she has. And logic tells me that this is why my tummy feel so hard and tight almost 24/7. NOT because there is something wrong. Just because she's growing like she should. Reason and experience tell me that God's timing is perfect. So Gia will be born in HIS time, and we will also find a job in HIS time. (Though for the record, my time frame for both major life changes would have been, oh... yesterday.)
So with nothing else to do but go crazy, I was reminded of the meaning behind Gianna's name... the Lord is Gracious. And it took me back to the verse that has been speaking to us for the past 18 months: Psalm 145. You're probably sick of hearing about it on this blog by now.... but as I was reading, these key verses stuck out to me yet again:
1 I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
2 Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.
3 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
8 The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
9 The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
10 All your works praise you, LORD;
your faithful people extol you.
11 They tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
12 so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.[c]
14 The LORD upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.
18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
20 The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
21 My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.
What a Psalm of Praise! I know that God is good, and provides for those who fear him. I know that he has compassion on all he has made. And I know that he is near. He is lifting me up. So while I may be anxious for deliverance from this waiting season of our lives, I need to stop and remember to give praise to the One who is truly Gracious to all. So if you think of us in these next couple of days/weeks, we'd really covet your prayers. Number one, for a safe and healthy delivery of a safe and healthy baby. And number two, for peace as we have patience in our waiting for both our baby and God's direction.
EDITED TO ADD:
I just have to share this picture because I love the truth it depicts so much! I took this picture in Mokkatum, Egypt when we were there last year. (Mokkatum is where many of the Egyptian Christians live. This is carved into the side of a huge cave church there. Absolutely magnificent.) Its the scene where the angel has told the visitors to Jesus' tomb that he is not here, he has rise, just as he said he would. I love that last part-- JUST AS HE SAID. I am so thankful that our God is a God who does what he says... and just like he rose from the dead as he proclaimed he would, the Lord will do what he says throughout all of scripture.... like what he is saying in Psalm 145 about being Good to all, Compassionate towards his creations, and upholding those who fall.
(This is a re-post from April of last year. Still sums up pretty much how amazing and powerful Easter is and what it means in my life... even more so since Whitney.)
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.
Easter has always been my favorite holiday. In fact, I almost cringe at calling it a "holiday" because of the triviality that word connotes. Christmas is great and birthdays are fun, but there is something so completely different about Easter. One year in college, I had just started dating a guy around this time of year. It was just a few days before Easter and I had told him that Easter was my favorite holiday. Later that evening, he brought me a huge pastel pink, stuffed bunny. It was sweet of him, it really was, but bunnies and eggs aren't why I love Easter so much. (Sidenote: any of my college girls remember that? I believe that was the same night as the "kids in the bannister, wives out the wazoo" incident. "No, Sheyenne... tell us about the bunny!" haha!)
Easter represents the reason for my hope... the reason for my life... the reason I get up every day... and Easter is the day we jubilantly celebrate that! Words are completely inadequate to describe the joy and anticipation that fills my heart in the weeks leading up to Easter. At church last week, we sang a song that we are going to sing again this week. It was so beautiful, joyful and victorious! I cannot wait to sing it at the top of my lungs tomorrow. Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins-- my sins-- and ultimately conquering death. Did you hear that? Conquering death. I love the songs that say things like "From the grave you've risen, victoriously!" and "Sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting!" and "Up from the grave he arose!" When those lines come up in a song, I want to jump up and down, shout it out and praise my Lord!
1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..
People ask us how we are able to keep going... how are we able to keep doing what we're doing. In a nutshell, Easter explains it all. Sin was separating me from God. His son, Jesus died for my sins. He washed me clean. In doing that, Jesus bridged that gap between me and God. Now that's deserving of a lifelong commitment, don't you think? And in the end, I know that I will spend eternity in Heaven with the God who sent his son to die for me. The purpose of my life is simply to give God glory in everything I do. God didn't cause Whitney to die. He didn't make her sick. For Whitney to die was never God's plan. It wasn't his "Plan A", "B", or even "C" for that matter. So why would I be mad at God? And why would I ever stop singing his praises when he did give us so many blessings through Whitney? Because of his sacrifice, his goodness and his love, I know that I will have eternity with him. And I will also have eternity with my daughter, doing all the things I didn't get to do with her in this life.
Easter is my favorite day of the year. It reminds me of the day so many years ago when I, too was 'buried with Christ in baptism' and raised again as a new person. One of those many blessigs that God gave us through Whitney actually goes back 21 years from the exact day she was born. On February 11, 1989, my sister and I gave our lives to Christ and were baptized. My dad acutally baptized us. It was awesome. On that day, my old 'self' died and Christ started in me a new life-- a life I chose to live for Him. Though I was only 7 1/2 years old, I knew that my life was forever changed. In the years that came after Febraury 11, 1989, I faced some hard times. I strayed from the life God wanted me to live, but because of his goodness, I was blessed with family and friends who always brought me back to the truth. I devoted my life to serving him, to helping others. And in the hard times, I always went back to February 11... the day my new life began. Every year since then, I have remembered that day as my 'new' birthday, or my 'spiritual' birthday. Because of my decision on that day, Christ was now my Lord and Saviour, and I knew that he would not give me anything that I could not handle.
February 11, 1989
Fast-forward 21 years. February 11, 2010. The day my daughter was born. I do not think it was any coincidence that Whitney was born on this day-- my 21st re-birthday. For years I've celebrated that as my re-birthday, and from now on, I will also celebrate it as my daughter's birthday. How can anyone see this situation and not see God's incredible goodness in all of this? Of the 365 days my daughter could be born, God allowed her to be born on the anniversary of the day I gave my life to him. And my mom and sister were also able to be with me! A reminder that in every situation, no matter what the circumstance, God is still with me. And I have promised to give him all the glory in every situation. So you see, that's why Easter is so much more than just bunnies and eggs to me. Easter is life! And praise! And HOPE!
February 11, 2010
Romans 6:8-11
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 28:1-10 The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
HAPPY AUNT & UNCLE DAY!!!
Never heard of Aunt & Uncle Day? Its ok if you haven't... we made it up. :) If you have been following our story for this past year, you may remember last year's first Aunt & Uncle holiday. We (Sean and I) decided to start this tradition and make it an annual holiday in our family, as a means to remember Whitney. April 16th was Whitney's due date, and although she came into our arms a few months before that, we still wanted to remember the day.
This year we are so excited to celebrate the aunts and uncles who love both Whitney and Gianna so much! Though most of their aunts & uncles have yet to hold either of them (except for Megan, who did get to hold Whitney when she was born)-- Whitney in heaven and Gia here on earth-- they love our girls so much, and we are so thankful for them!!
Sean and I decided to make some special cookies for the Aunts & Uncles this year. You can look back at our post from last year to see what we made for them then. We had a great time baking Snickerdoodles and Chocolate Snaps. The chocolate snaps are a favorite childhood recipe that Sean's mom (Whitney & Gianna's Grandma Jill) used to make a lot. They are Sean & Kyle's favorite cookie (and maybe Audrey's too?). I know our's didn't quite measure up to Jill's delicious dessert, but they were made with love and remembrance, and hopefully that counted for a lot. ;)
Here are a few pictures from when we were making the cookies. Today, we are celebrating and loving the aunts and unlces in our girls' lives who love them so much! We love you all, Megan, Eric, David, Audrey, Kyle, Anne, Dave, Amy, and Emily. :)
I am so sorry that I have been MIA lately. Sean and I have just recently relocated our entire lives due to his layoff last Fall. We still have not found a job, but are earnestly and fervently seeking where it is that God will have us serving next. We'd love your prayers on that front!
We are living with Sean's family and it is wonderful. They are so gracious to open their home to us, especially at such a crazy time. I have just 5 weeks left (or less) until our rainbow baby, Gianna is supposed to make her debut into this world. I have such a range of emotions, and to say these past 5 weeks since we've moved have been difficult is the understatement of the Century. I have been updating about my rainbow pregnancy on our family blog. If you're interested, you can go and check it out:
But I want to be sure to keep this a safe place for anyone and everyone who make come across Whitney's blog. That's why I have kept the talk of our Rainbow Babe to a minimum. Though I know you all are rejoicing with us, I also know how hard it is for a baby loss momma to read about or to see those who are pregnant. So... anyways, that's my reasoning. Of course I will still update from time to time about Gia. But this is Whitney's blog and I really want to keep it about her and her life.
SO... all that to say, I have a lot to say rolling around in my little brain, I just haven't had the strength or made the time to put it into words. We miss Whitney now seemingly more than ever. I wish she were here to be a big sister. I wish I had gotten to wash clothes for her like I am for Gianna. We just miss her a whole awful lot.
I'll update with more later as I can. I hope you konw that we love you all and are so grateful for all your love and prayers and words of encouragement. And most of all, we love you for remembering our daughter with us.
XOXO.
Sean sent me this picture via his phone a few weeks ago... he used a "Wet Cement" app! Pretty cool. I just love seeing our girl's name different places. So beautiful. Hope you like it, too!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
My good friend from High School, Kristina lives in Europe. She and her husband recently spent a few days in one of my favorite cities in the world... Rome! She was actually there on Whitney's birthday, and knew how much I love Italy. She asked me a couple of days before her trip if there was anything special she could do for us to remember Whitney while they were in Rome on her birthday... I said "of course"! So she took a picture for WHitney's name gallery in front of the Trevi fountain and threw some coins in. If you've never seen the 1954 Academy Award-winning movie, "Three Coins In The Fountain", you really must! Dean Martin even sang the song from the movie for the Oscar Awards that year. (YouTube it! Its fantastic!) I had to search Amazon years ago to get the movie in VHS... but it is SO worth the hunt! Great flick... one of my all-time faves.
ANYWAYS.... here's the pic she took for us! I LOVE IT! Thank you so much, Kristina! We cannot wait to take Gianna Rome some day and throw her own coins in the fountain!!
You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:
And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE. :-)
Ok, I think I've added all the RAOK's that people sent in! I've updated the RAOK page on this website, so you can just click the button below to see all of the updates in one place. Sean and I were tremendously blessed by your participation in this day, and we cannot thank you all enough for the love you showed us by loving others!
We are looking forward to doing this again next year!! If you still have a Whitney Jill RAOK story to send in, please do and I will add it to our recaps!! We are blessed with the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for!
Megan, Mandy & Christine
Some of my wonderful friends from church sent Whitney these beautiful roses for her birthday! We came home from running around town and found them on our doorstep! Thank you so much, friends!!
Melissa J.
There was an older woman at the pharmacy who was shakingly counting her money. Her total was 6.50 and she didn't have enough. She was going to choose to put back her or her husband's medicine. Everyone was just staring at her, so i stepped up to the register to pay for her. She looked at me, said thank you and with her hands shaking she tried to give me her 5 dollars and change. I told her to keep it, and she was incredulous. It was awesome!
Nancy O.
Hi Shey. My act of kindness for Whitney is a donation of a Clay Matthews signed picture that I won after Superbowl. I'm giving it to the Leroy Butler Foundation that helps women with breast cancer.
Rejeana B.
In honor Whitney Jill, Ron and I cleaned and decorated the gravesite of another Whitney. This was in Valley Memorial Park Cemetery, Coolidge, AZ. As soon as we learn the exact location of another baby named Whitney whose remains are in a Mesa cemetery, we will do the same there. (Before and After Pictures:)
Sara C.
Since I can crochet and have an abundance of unused yarn, I decided to crochet some caps for Caps for Good! I've only finished three so far (pic is attached), but I'm planning on making more this weekend and mailing them all in next week. I'll send another photo of all of them.
This is such a fun way to celebrate Whitney's life--you're such great parents! I'm praying for you, your families, and for little Gia!
Thanks for the inspiration--
Sara
Sam H. (Whitney’s Papa Sam)
Before leaving to go back to Egypt, I had breakfast at a cafe and also purchased a gift card. I gave it to the guard standing outside, and she was pretty shocked! At lunch, I left a generous tip for my waitress and before checking out of the hotel, I left our housekeeper $31.31. It was a lot of fun doing these RAOK’s today in honor of Whitney!
Shannon
I baked banana bread for the meeting I went to in the morning - and I put Whitney's label in front of it. Then my daughter and I ate Subway with my mom and we always get three cookies and then my mom pays me for hers - I wouldn't let her pay me this time and gave her one of Whitney's labels. My daughter was sick, so I didn't get to go anywhere else, but we ordered pizza for dinner and I tipped the delivery guy extra and gave him one of Whitney's cards.
Made some "encouragement" phone and email contacts, but had to defer much of what I wanted to do - still too hard to get out of our lane. Thought about Miss Whitney Jill all day and prayed, and plan to continue RAOK through the weekend. Who knows - it could even become a way of life... Much love.
Tina F.
1 - i'm going to start reading the bible to my son every night. i can't believe i haven't already!! what a beautiful day to begin!!
2 - there's always lots of junk food at work, today, i'm getting a 'bunch' of fruit for my co-workers
Holly S.
Thanks so much for allowing us to be a part of Whitney's birthday celebration. We made sugar cookies from scratch, then decorated them. We put them in bags and had Tony give them to the other assistant managers he works with. They LOVED them!!! I also took the chance to decorate a cookie by spelling Whitney's name. I included that picture too, for your name gallery. Some of the sprinkles weren't the best color, but I think you can still see her name in it. Enjoy! Praying that God gives you a smooth move.
Idette W. & Kids
Hi Sean & Shey, Wanted to let you know what we did for Whitney's 1st b-day. We spent yesterday afternoon making Valentine day cards and cupcakes. We decided as a family we wanted to take them to Orchard Retirement living. It was perfect, we went over there this afternoon and they were have their Valentine Social. Sad thing there was no family visiting. The kids handed out the cards. An older man took to Alicia I think. They all kept asking who we were with and where we were from.Alicia kept saying around Fresno.lol
It was so sweet, when Jacob was handing out some cards to some ladies sitting at a table another lady in a wheel chair left her table, came over and asked if she could have one. It touched Jacob's heart. He said yes of course and gave her and her friend one. The Womens eyes lit up and they smiled when they gave them the cards. I'm posting some pics of the kids making cards and passing them out. How I missed the cupcakes I don't know. They came out so cute too. Any how thank you for this wonderful Blessing. We realized as a family it's something we want to do more of. Blessings and we will remember this always.
Jeff & Sara C.
What a WONDERFUL idea. I know it's a little early...but I did my ROAK in honor of Whitney Jill (or one of them) yesterday. I cleared the snow off my neighbors driveway and sidewalks.
Jodi P. (A Nurse Friend of Our's When Whitney Was Born)
Hi Sheyenne, in honor of Whitney, my kids and I treated two people to a paid order when they came in to pick up their pizza. Instead of a bill, they got a ROAK card from your blog.
Katy M.
Katy is a great friend who also happens to be my wonderful hair stylist. She treated me to a shampoo and style on Whitney's Birthday! I'd say that counts as a Random Act of Kindness!!
Kelly K.
Kelly also crocheted several hats for Caps for Good. We have a great stash of hats to send in to them!!
Kim H. (Whitney’s Nana)
I did not know I was going to be able to be in the US for Whitney's ROAK party, so I was pretty excited to participate on this continent! I bought a $31 Quick Trip Gas Card...31 because that is how many weeks Whitney lived before going home to Jesus. And Quick Trip, because that is about Sheyenne's favorite drink stop in Oklahoma and Missouri. I looked everywhere we went yesterday for the right person to give it to. I would say, Lord...is it her? What about that couple? I wound up the end of the day with my card in my purse still. Today, Megan and I went shopping, and again, no one jumped out. But tonight, we had the kindest waitress I have had in a long time. Before we went to dinner, I prayed that I would know WHO to give it to. I was so excited to be able to give it to her. We left it with the tip at the table. That was a lot of fun. I also took the time to dead head some flowers in the flower pots outside one of the stores we went in today. I did not even care that people probably thought I was weird. :)
For my RAOK I tried all day for something. We were prepping for a trip and each suggestion my BIL thwarted. I realized why when we pulled in to Maverick to fuel up and I saw this sweet young couple in an Explorer. They had 2 infant seats in the car and had to be early twenties. He had $40 in his hand for gas which I knew would not fill his tank. So I asked to buy his gas. The whole time he tried to stop it at first 20, then 40. And he kept trying to pay me back. Finally I explained the importance to me of the day and the act and told him to do something special for his wife. A full tank later he drove away and my heart felt very full.
Kristi B.
The boys and I planted some flowers at a random house, then we gifted a dress to a 12-month old little girl. We also sent flowers and a card to a friend who shares the same birthday as Whitney!
Linda M. (Whitney's Delivery Nurse)
Planted a Rose of Sharon tree outside of her window in memory of Whitney.
