It's A.... (For Real This Time)

Wooooo hooooo!  This was such a great Christmas!  As you all know, we decided to wait until Christmas Day to find out if we are having a boy or a girl, even though our ultrasound was on Monday.  To say that it was a long week would be a major understatement.  Several times every night, Sean and I would look at each other and say, "Let's just open it now!"  

Since my doctor didn't take a "money shot" of the babe's defining goods, I asked our Nurse/Sonographer at work if she would take one for us.  You gotta have one of those for the scrapbook, right?!  I have to say that this is a major perk of working where I do!  Luckily, we had some free time before the next ultrasound was scheduled at work, and Kelli was able to fit me in for a quick ultrasound.  It was so much fun to see our little bean again!  I drank some OJ before this ultrasound, and boy, did it get her moving!!!  She was so active!!  Sean was coming to pick me up for lunch (a rare treat since I work downtown, far away from our house) so he even got to come in for a little bit of the ultrasound!  Kelli took a "gender shot" and put it in the envelope with Dr. G's note from the day before.  It was kinda fun having Kelli know but no one else!  She's very trustworthy and can keep a good secret... I am so thankful she was able to do that for us!

So back to Christmas... each time we would say, "Let's just open it (the envelope) now!" our iron will would win out and we decided that we liked the anticipation.  I have to tell you, Christmas has not been this much fun since I was a kid!!  Seriously!!  We went to bed on Christmas Eve, but first I was sure to tell Sean not to wake me up before 8.  :)  I knew he'd be up early!

I kinda had a sneaky feeling that he wasn't getting much sleep that night when I got up at 4:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom (for the 4th time that night- I love pregnancy!) and he said, "Merry Christmas!" in a very perky tone.  When Sean woke me up at 7:45, he confirmed my suspicions... he had woken up every 30 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG!  It was so cute.  

Usually, Christmas mornings are very laid back at our house.  We're all about delayed gratification when it comes to opening gifts... we'll start with our stockings, then take a break to fix breakfast, then go back to opening gifts.  This Christmas was a bit different... first thing, we went for the envelope!!  I told Sean he could open it, since I get to feel the baby all the time, he could have the honor of doing this.  He tore into the envelope, and looked at the pictures.... but didn't know what he was looking at!  It didn't say on the picture!  The picture I took is so funny... it looks like he was disappointed in the gender... but he just didn't know what it meant!

  

So he had to open up the tiny folded piece of paper that our doctor wrote the gender on.  It seemed to take forever for him to open it!!  But he finally did (Seal tried to help, too)... and our suspicions of the last week were true--- She's a girl!!

In the beginning, I was so sure she was a boy!  And almost everyone else thought she would be a boy, too!  But we were wrong.  We have such mixed emotions about having another girl.  Part of us wanted Whitney to be our only girl, because she was so special.  Part of us wanted a boy because in our minds, it might have been a bit easier on our hearts.  But part of me was also really hoping for a girl... the bows, the dresses, the father/daughter dates.  Sean is the kindest, most tenderhearted man I know (along with my own daddy) and I KNOW he will be a great dad.  I believe it takes an extra special man to be able to raise daughters... afterall, its from her Daddy where a girl learns about the love of our heavenly Father,
 where she first learns how she is supposed to be treated by the opposite gender, and where a great deal of her self-esteem is built.  I cannot think of a better man for our daughter than Sean.  

And above all of that, I know that God knows exactly what we need to continue healing from our loss of Whitney.  Yes, when we see our second daughter all dressed up for her first dance recital, we will wonder if Whitney would have liked dance, too.  When she is all dressed up for prom, we'll wonder what color of dress Whitney would have chosen.  But that's ok.  This little girl does not replace Whitney by any means.  And just how people with multiple children tell me that they love each child equally, yet differently, I am trusting that this will be the case with our new little girl.

We haven't come up with a name yet... its so hard!  We loved Whitney Jill from the beginning.  It was the only name both of us liked.  Now, we have several names we sorta like, and a few frontrunners, but nothing that we're just sold on yet.  I'll keep you updated, though!

So thanks for waiting in eager anticipation with us!  We are trying to take this journey one day at a time.  My tummy is growing more and more each day, and I'm feeling her move some, too.  I am over half-way there and we can't wait to meet our little girl!!

We were able to Skype with my parents and brother in Egypt... they were excited too!  This will be their 4th granddaughter!  :)  After a great, leisurely morning, Sean and I went to Woodward Park.  We call this "Whitney's Park" since its where we held her memorial service.  We sat by "her" lake, but it started to get a bit crowded so we walked around for a little while.  It was a beautiful day outside.  And the whole day itself was very bittersweet-- in a good way.  There were moments we missed Whitney so much, we just stopped and cried.  We held her bunny while we did things throughout the day, and wondered what next Christmas will be like.  We are so thankful for the many blessings this difficult year has brought, and this year more than ever, we are thankful for the God who became a baby so that we might be given the hope of Heaven.

Christmas Cookies from Caitlin

My friend, Caitlin sent me this adorable picture for Whitney's name gallery.  I love it!   She is so crafty and so thoughtful.  Thank-you for all the love and support you continue to show us!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

Meant To Be

To all the families that are missing their babies this Christmas, I just heard this the other day on the radio and HAD to look it up online... its by Steven Curtis Chapman...I can't find it online yet, but I have the music video of it.

Steven Curtis Chapman - "Meant to Be" Music Video

He wrote it for the Veggie Tales movie, "Its a Meaningful Life"... I haven't seen that one yet... have any of you? I think it was supposed to come out in October this year.

This made me think of all our babies... every single one of them, meant to be. And it reminds me that each one of us mommies was specifically chosen to carry our babies and tell their stories for them.

Meant to Be
By Steven Curtis Chapman

Long Before You Drew Your First Breath
A Dream Was Coming True
God Wanted to Give A Gift To The World
So He Wrapped It Up In You

Every Step That You’ve Taken
Every Move That You Make
Is Part Of His Plan

You Were Meant To Be Touching
The Lives That You Touch
And Meant To Be Here
Making This World So Much More
Than It Would Be Without You In It

You Were Meant To Be Bringing
The Gifts That You Bring
And Singing The Songs
You’ve Been Given To Sing

You Are Perfectly, Wonderfully,
Beautifully Meant To Be
You Were Meant To Be

Long Before You Took Your First Fall
You stumbled to the ground
God started telling the story of you to the angles around
Every failure and victory
Everything inbetween
Its all in his hand

You Were Meant To Be Touching
The Lives That You Touch
And Meant To Be Here
Making This World So Much More
Than It Would Be Without You In It

You Were Meant To Be Bringing
The Gifts That You Bring
And Singing The Songs
You’ve Been Given To Sing

From Andrea S

My friend from college, Andrea, sent me these pictures... she took them while at the National Youth Workers Convention in Nashville, TN.  Thanks so much for thinking about us, Andrea!

 
 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

IT'S A....

HEALTHY BABY!!

(You didn't think I'd tell you the gender yet, did you?  hehe)

Last night, neither Sean nor I slept very well.  Maybe it was the homemade lumpia we ate at 9 o'clock, or maybe it was anticipations of Monday morning.  But as I was lying awake, tyring to take captive every anxious thought, Romans 15:13 came to my mind once again.  

I've written about the significance of this verse in my life probably a dozen times.  And here it was again.  The same prayer that my daddy prayed over me when I was 16 remains a fervent prayer of my heart today:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Oh, that was what I needed last night... hope.  Hope that our baby would be healthy.  I need joy... as much joy in this pregnancy as I had with Whitney.  I've been guarding myself too much to feel that.  And peace... peace that passes understanding.  Peace that says even though everything in my past tells me to worry, I don't need to.  Yes, I love that verse.

So on to the ultrasound... I love my doctor.  As soon as the nurse took us into the room, he was right there behind her, ready to do the ultrasound.  Before he started anything, he took both mine and Sean's hands and prayed over us.  That was the only point I cried a little all morning!

He talked me through each step, making me feel more comfortable, and when he put the gel on my tummy, he drew a big smiley-faced baby... it made me laugh.  He checked all the major organs, the spine, the face, the brain, the heart... everything.  He said the amniotic fluid was sufficient (which if you remember, Whitney had virtually none).  There were no bright spots on the heart and it had all four chambers, pumping away.

The only cause for a little concern was that baby is measuring a little bit small.  Just a few days behind where my original ultrasound dated me and still well within the margin of error.  But my doctor was not the least bit worried... he said that early ultrasounds are the most accurate, as babies begin to develop at different rates the further along in the pregnancy you are.  So, I am going to trust my doctor and not freak out that the baby is a little on the small side.  He said its most likely genetics... I'm pretty tiny myself.  I asked if we would need to check the development a little later, and he said no... it really wasn't that big of a deal.  So.... I"m trying to adapt that attitude, too... nothing to worry about.

One thing that was interesting is the baby has really long legs!  The legs measured a week or more longer than everything else!  Again Dr. G said this is a good thing, because most chromosomal abnormalities result in shortened limbs.  (I keep repeating to myself "I will not Google 'problems with long limbs', I will not Google 'problems with long limbs.'  Google is the devil!)  The baby wasn't very active, but I could tell that his/her muscle tone was much better than Whitney's was.... Whitney's arms and legs were very tiny.  From what I could see on this little one's legs, there looked to be a bit more muscle on them.  So again, I'm trying not to worry that the baby wasn't moving very much... beacuse just a few minutes ago he/she was moving around and I could definitely feel it!  Maybe baby just isn't a morning person (much like mamma).

So now... we wait until Christmas to find out what we're having.  Dr. G didn't take a picture of the "goods" but he did write down the gender and we will open it on Christmas!  I'll be sure to update when we know!

There are things that I could obsess over and find to worry about, but I am going to try my hardest to just put my trust in the One who is creating this little miracle, and trust in the Doctor whom the Lord has brought into our lives to care for us at this time.  I am going to be so sad if we have to move before he delivers us, but then again, that would be a good thing because it would mean we have a new ministry!  So here's my biggest prayers from here on out:

* That baby will grow at a healthy rate, and stay on target for growth

* That Sean and I will stay vigilant to take captive every thought of doubt and fear Satan places in our heads

* A healthy pregnancy

* That we will find a ministry soon, so we can get established with another doctor before we get too close to delivery 

Thanks so much for your prayers and all the love and support we've felt this past weekend!  I really appreciated all your notes and messages and prayers.... WE FELT THEM!  

One more thing I just have to add... I know that our God is the same God today that he was a year ago when we got Whitney's diagnosis.  His love and mercy and goodness never changes.  And I am so thankful that he is the same in the hard times as he is in the good times.  

Christmas Perspective

So much in life is all about perspective, isn’t it?  If you’ve got a good perspective on life, and keep what really matters in the forefront, chances are you’ll do just fine.

 

God never ceases to amaze me in his creation of people, his children.  The more people I meet, the more places I go, the more I am in awe of God’s endless creativity.  
 

In any given situation, we all bring our own perspectives to the table.  And Christmastime is no different.  As women, we may uniquely identify with Mary.  As men, our husbands may find some common ground with Joseph.  But beyond just our genders, our lifestories play an exceptional and undeniable role in our perspective on the Savior’s birth.  

 

I just read an article this morning by an author who focused on the gratitude and obedience of Mary, in light of the inconveniences of her impending motherhood.  The article then went on to discuss the inconveniences of motherhood... The physical discomfort in pregnancy, the pain during childbirth, the lack of sleep for the next 18 years, the death of self in the best interest of another.  

 

I completely agree with this author on all her points: Mary subjected her motherly desires to God’s will in every way.  She concerned herself more with matters of eternity than matters of the ‘here and now.’  She was an example of humility... Wholly submitting her body, heart and soul to the plan of God.
  

But its not through the inconveniences of motherhood that I connect with Mary.  You see, I would give anything I could to have those inconveniences right now.  I should have tired eyes and sore muscles from chasing a 10-month old around.  But I don’t.  When I was pregnant with Whitney, I reveled in the inconveniences of pregnancy.  Heartburn? Gas?  Sleeplessness?  Mood swings?  I loved it all.  Every discomfort was a reminder she was still with me.  I cherished the pain of childbirth; when it was gone, I longed for its return... For there to be two of us in my body, not just me.  I pray that I will soon experience the inconveniences of motherhood... And when they do come, God-willing, I will pray for the strength to thank God for the sleepless nights, the unmatched exhaustion and everything else that I have missed out on this year. 
 

  Another perspective on Mary’s condition is of course the fact that she was an unwed mother, experiencing a very unplanned pregnancy.  I’ve worked with women experiencing unplanned pregnancies since college.  Its a very intimate place to be... In a room with a woman who is receiving confirmation that her life is going to change so drastically.  I’ve heard the desperation in their voices, seen the despair in their faces, and felt the devastation in their hearts.  I can only barely imagine the feelings that Mary had in those early months when she began to realize that what the angel had told her was really coming true... As she began to feel nauseous and tired, surely she wondered, how would her family respond?  What would her husband-to-be say?  Would she be stoned?  Left alone?  Outcast forever?  

As I’ve sat in counseling rooms with numerous woman who have just received the news that they are pregnant, I’ve seen a lot of different reactions.  They have a lot of questions, many that Mary may have thought... How can this be?  (Well, this is a given seeing as how they’ve made choices that led them to become pregnant and Mary did not... But nevertheless, it is a question I hear often.)  What will my family say?  Will my friends desert me?  What about the father of the baby... He’s going to leave me!  Often, they learn to accept this turn of events in their life, but sometimes they do not.  

 

From the accounts in Scripture, Mary’s only question was, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?”  (A pretty sensical question, in my opinion!)  When the angel explained to her, she simply responded with “I am the Lord’s servant.”  Let it be.  Again, from this perspective we see Mary’s obedience to God’s plan in her life.  We see her humility in her willingness to be the Lord’s servant, regardless of how difficult the task at hand seemed.  While I cannot connect personally with the feelings of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, I can appreciate Mary’s response and obedience.  

 

But there is another perspective, another take on Mary’s part in this Christmas story.  And this is the one in which I most identify with the mother of our Savior.  Mary was chosen by God because of her faith.  The angel told her that she had “found favor with God.”  Little is known about Mary’s personal history up until this point, but we know that she was a direct descendant of King David, from the line of Judah.  She was connected by marriage to Elisabeth, who was from the line of Aaron.  We can easily deduce from both her lineage and the angel’s professed “favor with God” that Mary was a faithful Jewish young woman.  She likely had a good knowledge of the Scriptures (afterall, King David--- THE King David was in her family tree!), including the prophecies of a coming Savior.  When the angel told Mary, “The Lord will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s decendants forever, his kingdom will never end” (Luke 1:32-33) she knew what this meant... Her unborn son, the child whom this angel was telling her about, was going to be the Savior of the world.  The Savior she had undoubtedly heard about; the one for whom the Jews had been waiting centuries.  

 

There’s a popular Christmas song that I used to love.  Its called, “Mary Did You Know?” and asks all these questions... “Did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?  Did you know your baby boy is Lord of all Creation?  Did you know your baby boy would one day rule the nations?”  It goes on and on asking all of these questions.  Its a pretty song, but this year, its really started to annoy me... The answer to all of those questions is Yes!  She knew... She knew because the angel had told her.  She knew the heaviness of the situation and that this tiny baby she was going to birth would be the great Savior for whom generations had waited.  

 

Here’s where my perspective comes in: Mary carried a child within her, knowing he would die.  Of course, we all know that we’re going to die... But most pregnant women do not think of their child’s death before they are even born.  But I think Mary did... Afterall, that is what it meant to be the Son of the Most High sent to earth.  While I don’t think that her son’s death as Savior to all mankind is all that she thought about, I do believe that she knew it was coming.  And what mother could help not thinking about this every now and then?  

 

I can identify with the schizophrenic emotions that must have stirred within Mary... On the one had, intense joy with every kick from inside her belly.  On the other hand, unthinkable sorrow at the thought that one day, she would not be able to protect him from the pain of this world.  As mothers, our instinct is to protect our children, especially when they are so young and innocent.  As I carried Whitney, knowing that she was not going to live, I felt such incredible heartache because I could not take away her sickness.  But I had to learn to fully submit my life and her’s to the Great One who could heal her.  The One who did heal her.  

 

Again, from this perspective, the perspective of a mother who has also carried a child who was going to die too soon, we see Mary’s humility and obedience to God’s plan.  And that is where I want to identify with Mary... I pray that my actions and my heart will always be open to the plan that God has for my life and the lives of my children.

 

Christmas this year has been difficult... Its all about a baby.  And its a constant reminder that my baby is not here with me.  There’s no stocking hung on my fireplace for her.  No presents under our Christmas tree with her name on them.  No new traditions or pictures with Santa.  Some days, its really hard to keep things in perspective... To remember that Whitney fulfilled her time here on earth and is spending Christmas in heaven with Jesus.  

 

As we drive around at night and see Christmas lights lit up everywhere, a symbol to us as Christians of the light of the world, I can’t help but imagine how magnificent spending Christmas with the true Light of the World must really be.  

 
What is your perspective on Christmas? 

 

Countdown to the BIG One

Whitney

On Monday, we have our "BIG" ultrasound at my dr.'s office.  Most people who are living in a blissful "what could possibly go wrong with my pregnancy" state call it the "gender ultrasound."  I remember the biggest thing I was worried about before this ultrasound with Whitney was that she'd have her legs crossed and we wouldn't be able to find out the sex that day.  Like, I very vividly remember being stressed about that!  It all seems so silly now.  It wasn't until we were sitting in the parking lot of my OB's office that the real panic started to set in... and I begged Sean never to leave me, no matter what the ultrasound showed.  He thought I was crazy, but my mother's intuition was right.  It was at this 20-week ultrasound when we found out so very much was wrong with our baby.

Whitney

So here I am again.  Less than a year after Whitney was born.  And I'm in the same position.  Similar fears are rising up, only this time, they're amplified.  Like, times a million.  I've given up the notion of regaining my "pregnancy innocence."  Done away with the dream of a worry-free pregnancy.  And this time around, I know so much more than I did on that November day in 2009 when my world flipped upside down.  

My mom used to always tell me that life is not fair.  I think we all know that to some degree, but we cling to the underlying sense that there is some form of justice in this world.  But this year, I've learned that's not true.  Sometimes, things really are simply unfair.  Unjust.  Not right.  And there is no one to blame.  I know now that there are so many terrible things that can go wrong in the fragile knitting of a tiny human being.  So much more than I could have ever imagined.

Baby Wilson #2 @ 13 weeks

 

Now here I am, 4 days away from this potentially life-changing ultrasound (again).  Every scenario is running though my mind...

... what if we go in and there's no heart beat?

... what if the doctor finds something horribly wrong (again)? (my list on this one is specific, but too terrible to write or fathom)

... what if the doctor finds something wrong, but we dont' quite know what it is?  And then we have to wait and wait and wait again for answers? (again)

... what if the doctor finds nothing wrong, and I continue to obsess and worry that the u/s wasn't thorough enough?

... what if everything looks perfect with the baby, but something unforeseen happens in the end (again)?

 

I guess it feels good to write this all out.  I know that I need to trust my doctor and his quarter-century of experience in delivering healthy babies.  I need to trust that the Lord who was good enough to bring us through our pain with Whitney is good enough (and big enough) to bring us through this, too.  

My mom told me about a Bible study she was a part of (I think it was Beth Moore's Esther) when Whitney was born.  One of the things that stuck out to my mom was to ask the question "What's the worst that could happen?" and then follow that up with "Then what?"  The point was, in the end, when we get down to the very dakest of our worst fears, even if they do come true, we wind up on our knees before the Father and somehow manage to move on.  

I know if the worst of my fears were to come true (which would be to find something wrong and have to endure weeks or months of waiting to find out what it is-- that's the worst... not knowing), we'd still be ok.  God would still be good, and we would still be His.  We've done this all before, and I guess we could do it again, but it would suck.  A lot. 

I have a 'feeling' that this is all going to be ok, nothing like last time... but there are moments when so much fear just creeps in, its paralyzing.  Ok... so all that to say... can you pray for us?  I have one more (very LONG) work day tomorrow, then the weekend...then my appointment is first thing Monday morning at 8 am.  Here are some specific things you can pray for:

* Peace in the days leading up to our ultrasound

* A healthy baby!!!!

* Wisdom for our dr. performing the ultrasound

* Thoroughness in the ultrasound (checking every organ and date)... and that I would trust the doctor's skill 

* That the ultrasound equipment will be advanced enough to calm my fears

* That there will be no ambiguity in the findings... the waiting is the worst

* For hope to rise within us, that this will finally be a "take home" baby

* Health for all of us (Sean is sick right now)

* Again, peace that passes understanding

Oh! And as for the gender findings... we are hoping to wait until Christmas to find out if its a boy or girl.  We're praying that all goes smoothly with the ultrasound and that we will joyfully ask the dr. to put the "money shot" picture in a card and open it on Christmas day.  So.... I'll keep you posted.  Thanks for the prayers.  

 

Holiday Blues

I've got 'em.  

They suck.

The end.

(cue Eeyore rain cloud, please)

 

 

Body Integration

Reverb 2010- Day 12

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? 

Seriously, come on people... who writes these prompts?  

I would like to say that I ran a marathon this year, or won some mega-award for being the strongest female or something.... well, actually, I take that back.  I really have no desire to run a marathon, and female body buildres kinda freak me out.  

I guess at the risk of sounding redundant, the truest moment where I felt the most "oneness" in my body and mind was in giving birth.  But I kinda already wrote about that on Day Three when I wrote about feeling most alive.  

So... that's all I got for today!

Things

Reverb 2010- Day 11

December 11 – 11 Things What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

"Things."  What an all-inclusive yet vague title, huh?  I live pretty low key and generally adapt to a no-drama policy.  We don't really have a lot of material "things" that get in the way, because well... we don't want things getting in the way of our reason for living.  Hmmmmm... so I'll work the list a little differently. Here we go...

Things I don't need in 2011 and will be doing without!

1. Bitterness.  I've learned that holding onto bitterness only gives the people or situation more power than they're worth or deserve.  So along with bitterness, I'm letting go of two other very pesky "things" in my life (which may or may not be specific pesky individuals) that have been the source of much of this unnecessary and now banned bitterness.
2. Unnamed Aforementioned "Thing" Uno
3. Unnamed Aforementioned "Thing" Dos

Now I'm going to list things I'd like to get rid of but am not quite sure exactly how to...

4. Stressing about finding a job
5. Stressing about a place to live
6. Stressing about a place to have our baby
7. Worry about having a healthy baby

And finally, things I'd REALLY like to get rid of (and will pray for a miracle)... but one can always hope, right?

8. Allergies to my kitties... I love them so much, but they make me so miserable!  But I still love them.
9. Allergy to milk.  No icecream, pizza or alfredo... need I say more?
10. Insomnia.  Sean falls asleep in 2 seconds... me, its more like 2 hours!
11.  **aaaaand... that's all I've got, people!**

Wisdom

Reverb 2010- Day 10

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? 

I made a lot of decisions this year.  Tough decisions.  Decisions that no one should ever have to make.  The hardest decision, of course, was whether or not to continue carrying Whitney, despite her life-limiting diagnosis.  

I think I've written on here before that Sean and I really did struggle with this decision.  It took some time for me to truly own up to that fact-- the fact that for a brief time, we considered if there were any pro's to terminating our pregnancy.  But in the interest of full disclosure here, we did.  It was perhaps the third most life-defining moment thus far.  (See HERE for the first two most important decisions you'll ever make.)  Even though I have been an active part of the pro-life community since college, with a thorough knowledge of aboriton and the life-long devastation it causes, we still had to look at all of the options that were presented to us.  And not because we wanted an easy way out, but because we were desperately worried about bringing pain to our baby or the pain she was potentially experiencing.  

By the grace of God, we took time to pray, seek counsel and search God's promises for some direction.  Without fail, our Heavenly Father came through (as he always does).  I was comforted by the Psalms that told me "the Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made."  These verses told me that it was not my job to be the mercenary for my daughter... it was not my job to determine her fate.  I had no say in when her tiny heart started beating, and I was to have no say in when it would stop beathing.  The Lord is good to all.  Including my daughter.  His perfect, tiny creation.  

I have no regrets about that decision.  There were a lot of "what if's" during my pregnancy, but when all was said and done, every last question was answered.  I know what she looked like, how she smelled, whose features she had.  Had we listened to my doctor and aborted at 24 weeks, we would not have had those answers.  We would have never held her.  Yes, it was a tough few months until her delivery, but every day of uncertainty was worth it for all of the finality we now have.  Termination does not provide that kind of closure.  It just leaves an empty womb, which I was going to have one way or another, sooner or later.  

That was the best decision I made this year.  And I would do it all over again if I had to.  An equally great decision was the choices that Sean and I made every day to wake up and continue loving one another.  Even though some days, our grief made us really ugly.  We still loved and cared for and cherished each other...even more than we ever had before.  Many couples don't make it through such trying times, but I am so thankful for my partner in life!  And that decision, I would make a million times over!

PARTY!!!!

Reverb 2010- Day 9

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. 

I just have to start this off by saying I've been pretty stressed out tonight.  Stressed/sad/anxious/upset/mad/fill-in-the-blank.  We have experienced so many major life changes this year, and I'm just ready to be settled... but it doesn't look like that is going to happen very soon.  So when I read the prompt for today, I was actually thankful that it made me smile and took me back to one of my favorite times of 2010.

On to the party.... It was somehwere in the middle of the Nile River... sailing between Aswan and Luxor.  We'd just had a day full of taking in ancient sites and wonders.  The mysteries of the oldest culture known to man were fresh in our minds, and I'd been having dreams of Nefertiti.  Before we'd left for our Nile cruise, we went Galabeya shopping in Cairo.  Mom knew the perfect spot that had dozens of linen shops, filled to the brim with colorful dresses and shirts.  I selected one of the more "touristy" styles, with heiroglyphics and other Egyptian landmarks embroidered on it.  Sean, on the other hand, choose the most beautiful, elegant, deep blue and silver galabeya-- it was fit for royalty!  We also bought a couple more galabeyas... simpler, lightweight cotton ones, too.  You know... for those days back in the states when we just want to dress up, uh, Egyptian style.  What can I say?  They were beautiful.  And there were just SO MANY choices.  

After our long, hot day of sight-seeing through some amazing temples, we came back to our ship and took showers, then got into our shiny new Egyptian outfits.  We all went to the on-board store, where we were dressed up with beaded head pieces and the guy even did Mom and I's make-up-- Egyptian-style, of course.  The guy was really quite charming, and had been giving me 'the eye' every time we saw him on the ship... though, please don't think I let it get to my head.  I was about the only 20-something femal onboard and I wasn't wearing my wedding ring.  Anyways, I think he propositioned me... via my mother.  He jokingly asked in broken English, "How many camels for your daughter?"  When my mom told him that I was married he apologized profusely and got very shy!  

We had a delicious dinner up on the patio that night.  The Nile air was warm but not hot, and a cooling breeze blew through the canvas awnings.  Our dinner was beautifully lit by lights strung all across the dining deck.  In the corner of the deck was a grill where an array of meats were grilled, and a large spread of sides, breads and desserts were laid out before us like a feast for Pharoah.  The villages along the banks of the Nile were lit up, and I couldn't help but wonder about the lives of those who lived inside the glowing houses.  

After our bellies were sufficiently full, it was time for the party to begin!  A DJ in the back of the ship's lounge played rhytmic, east African music (mingled with the occasional "American" party song), while all the cruisers were encouraged to get out on the dance floor!  We shook our groove thangs alongside the rest of our shipmates, all random strangers mostly over 60, of course.  There were party games (like pass the bottle- hot potato style), dancing, talking and drinking-- Stella and wine were the libations of choice.  It was a wonderful, carefree jubilation that seemed to go on and on... literally until the very last soul left the dance floor.  

It was a wonderful, colorful, dream-like evening.  If any of my friends knew what a galabeya was, I would probably even be tempted to thrown my own party some time!  But, I think parties like this are truly meant to be once in a lifetime, saved for once in a lifetime trips and places.  I am so thankful to God for the amazing gift of memories... and the sites, sounds and smells that can transport me back to that moment as if it were yesterday.  

 

Beautifully Different

Reverb 2010- Day 8

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

Hmmm... really?  This is kinda lame.  Or maybe I'm just uncomfortable with introspection of this sort.  It could also have to do with the fact that I have a tendency to let others' opinions of me color the way I feel about myself... and these days, I haven't felt so "bright". 

This is actually kind of funny that this is the prompt for today, because just this afternoon, I taught an entire class on self-esteem to a group of troubled adolescent girls in a rehab house.  One of the things I had them write was what made them unique-- beautifully different.  So now, I feel like one of them... groaning at the assignment.  But I'll spare the choice words and attitudes that I got this afternoon.  :)  (For the record, I really love teaching those girls... so much potential hidden behind so much hurt.)

So what makes me unique?  Well, I'm creative... I love writing and crafting and making things with my hands.  But I hardly have the discipline or desire to make it a regular part of my day-to-day life.  Perhaps things will be different when I'm not working full-time.  

Another thing?  I have amazing friends.  They definitely make me a better person.  The ones who really, truly know me are awesome... and they know that I'm, well, awesome, too.  And they've never left me, no matter how moody I can get.  (Which is really only on rare occasions.  I've only gone "old-timey photo crazy" (aka- ballistic) twice in the entire friendship I've had with my BFFFFFFFFs, Tracy, Will & Wade.  And they know me better than anyone else.  Especially Tracy.  We're talking, take-it-to-the-grave, thisclose kinda friendship.  No seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve a friendship like ours.  Anyways, one of those two rare crazy moments was on my wedding day.  So that one doesn't count.  Only one crazy moment in more than a decade of best friendship is pretty good.  Right?)  We have awesome Oscar parties and red-neck tree burnings in the woods.  Like I said, awesomeness. 

Finally, (this may seem weird to say) but I really dig my sense of humor.  Is that weird to say that I like the way I think?  It sounds weird to me, but whatever... I appreciate a good 80's reference (ala, Psych), while interjecting Perez-like commentary mingled with the occasional Journey or Michael Jackson song in every day situations.  Seriously, you should be inside my head sometimes.  Its quite entertaining.  I guess if you can't make yourself giggle every now and then, what makes you think other people want to hear you joke around?

From Amanda P

An online friend and fellow angel baby mom, Amanda, sent this picture to us for Whitney's name gallery.  She is a teacher and has a student named Whitney.  When she told her student about our name gallery, she went home and found something to take a picture of for us!  Thank you so much for sending this to us and for thinking about us!!

 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

From Amanda S

These pictures are from my friend, Amanda S... they're taken in Cancun!  Oh how I'd love to be there right now!!!  Just look at that great white sand!!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

From Julie F

A friend of our's from college, Julie, sent me this great Lego picture!  She was spelling her kids names with Lego's one day, and thought of us.  Thank-you so much!!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

 

From Shannon C- Hawaii!

My friend Shannon (the one I met in L.A. a few months ago) took these pics for us while she was on the Big Island in Hawaii several months ago.  Thank-you so much, friend.  I think of you and Aubrey often!!

On some cooled lava flow...

On a black sand beach!

I love this one-- her name in Hawaiian!

On a beautiful white sand beach!

Thank you so much Shannon!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below:

 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

You can submit photos for Whitney's name gallery, too!  Just email your picture to me: 

sheyennew (AT) gmail (DOT) com

New Page Content!!

Just thought I'd let you guys know that I've been working hard on a new series of pages for this blog.  It is called "Heart Songs" and has several pages full of poems, quotes and songs relating to Infant Loss and healing.  

I am still working on a few of the pages, but I hope to have them up soon!  So for now... go check it out!  Hope you can find some words that sing to your heart. 

Community

Reverb 2010- Day 7

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? 

Surprisingly, I have found an incredible source of community from an online group on the Babycenter Community boards.  I mentioned them here in my Resources page.  There are several "groups" that I am a member of online, but its generally the same group of women in all of them.  All of them are moms who have carried a pregnancy despite an adverse prenatal diagnosis, and all of them have lost their babies.  Baby Center Community-  

If there is one thing I have learned about community, it is that you don't have to be in close proximity in order to connected by your very souls.  All you need is common experience and a desire to know that you are not alone.  That's how I came across the Carrying To Term group-- I was looking for other women like me, with whom I could hopefully relate.  

I have been extremely blessed this year to have several of my "online" friends become "real life" friends, by meeting in person.  It was so great to hug their necks, talk about our babies, and lend our unspoken support to each other through understanding and tears.  Community is one of God's greatest gifts to his children, and for us to not partake in it is a huge tragedy.  We are missing out on an integral part of what it means to be the Body of Christ.  

 

Make

Reverb 2010- Day 6

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Oooh!  This is great!  I just made something tonight and I'd love to share it here on Blogla Land, but its a Christmas gift... so I'll have to wait a bit to post a pic.

I used a lot of pretty scrapbook paper, some glue, ribbon and my Cricut.  :)  I'll post pictures later!

I have a million crafty projects bookmarked on my computer... everything from embellishing a knit sweater to building a Pott*ry Barn daybed knock-off.  But I have yet to really work on one project.  I'd LOVE to set aside more time to work on those crafty things... so maybe next year I'll make crafting a priority.  

Let Go

Reverb 2010- Day Five

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? 

Dreams.  Expectations, and taking things for granted.  

This year, I've let go of a lot of my expectations of things... experiences, people, institutions, my husband and myself.  I guess the best way to explain this is to put it this way:

When a woman becomes pregnant, people say she is "expecting."  She is expecting a baby, of course, but its more than than... she is expecting that things will go well, that the baby will be healthy, that her body will not fail her unborn child, and that at the end of 10 months, she will have an addition to the family.  Expecting.  I've had several people ask me if I am "expecting."  I suppose some people think its a more delicate way to ask if I am pregnant, but I just want to respond, "No!  I am NOT expecting anything.  But I am pregnant."  

I've completely let go of my expectations of how things are supposed to be.  That life will all "work out" and that normal life will always be 'normal.'  But that's not the case.

I've let go of my expectations of experiences.  I have lived moments this year that I thought would be far less painful than they actually were.  But I've also overwhelming experienced moments that were far beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.  Before we went to Egypt, I had some limited expectations of what it would be like... you see, I've been enchanted with the land of Egypt for as long as I can remember.  I once dressed up like Cleopatra for a Social Studies project in 6th grade.  I went all out-- even spray-dyed my hair black.  Which actually turned out to be kind of a disaster because the wash out black spray began flaking off and getting black EVERYWHERE.  But I've always dreamt of visiting one of the oldest civilizations known to man.  So when the opportunity arose to travel to the land of my dreams (thanks to my parents living there now!), I tried to imagine what it would be like.  I built up some expectations of how I would feel standing amongst hundreds of thousands of heiroglyphics that were carved years before Christ... but none of my expectations even came CLOSE to that experience.  Seeing the pyramids, walking into ancient tombs and standing in the midst of holy temples filled with mysteries that have yet to be solved, my expectations were blown out of the water er, sand.  I was rendered speechless... awestruck... humbled.  

I've let go of my expectations of people.  Unfortunately, I have many examples of how my expectations of people have deeply hurt me this past year.  But I don't want to focus on the negatives... so I'll write about ways my expectations were pleasantly surprised.  My husband is amazing.  During Whitney's birth and after, he never ceased to amaze me.  He didn't squirm away from the unpleasantries of childbirth, and in the hours and days following, he was right by my side in the most unpleasant of moments.  His love and support-- though it has always been my rock-- was more than I could have ever dreamt it could be.  

And in the end, I've surprised myself.  Survived darker days than I ever thought I could.  Of course, this is all due to God's incredible grace and comfort, which (surprise) has also blown away my expectations.

So I learned early on in 2010 to let go of my expectations. 

Rainbow HeartSongs

COMING SOON....

I hope to have this page up and running shortly!

Scriptures

COMING SOON...

I'll be adding this page very soon!

Songs

SONGS
**I'm working out some bugs in this page with the links... all the full lyrics are below, the links to them just don't work quite right**

Baby Mine
By Allison Krauss

Fix You
By Coldplay

Glory Baby
By Watermark

Goodnight My Angel
By Billy Joel

Heaven is the Face
By Steven Curtis Chapman

Held
By Natalie Grant

Homesick
By Mercy Me

I Believe
By Diamond Rio

I Knew I Loved You
By Savage Garden

I Will
By The Beatles

I Will Carry You
By Selah

One More Day
By Diamond Rio

River Flows In You
Yiruma (Instrumental)

Slipped Away
By Avril Lavigne

Smallest, Wingless
Craig Cardiff

Somewhere Out There
By James Horner

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
By Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

Tears In Heaven
By Eric Clapton

The Dance
By Garth Brooks

To Where You Are
By Josh Groban

With Hope
By Steven Curtis Chapman

You Are My God
By Nicole Sponberg

You Wouldn’t Cry
By Mandisa



Baby Mine
By Allison Krauss
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine


Fix You
By Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I


Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Glory Baby
By Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…


Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you


You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do


Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…


BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…


Goodnight My Angel
By Billy Joel
Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away


Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me


Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu
lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu


Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me


Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be


Heaven is the Face
By Steven Curtis Chapman
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”


Chorus:
God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m aching for.
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.
So right now...


Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams


And God, I know, it’s all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I’m longing for
God, you know, I just can’t see beyond the door.


Bridge:
But in my mind’s eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there’s no one left in the orphans’ bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there’s no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there’s no more enemy.


Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.


Oh God, I know, it’s so much more than I can dream.
It’s far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I’m trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.


Held
By Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held


Homesick
By Mercy Me
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again


And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


I've never been more homesick than now


I Believe
By Diamond Rio
Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again
And it's like, you haven't been


Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Were pulling you, and me


And with all my heart, I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see
I've got all the proof I need


There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.


Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here, when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends, if I'm right


Our love can even reach, across-
Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.


Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..


Oh, the ppl who don't see the most
See that I, believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe..


(music)


There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.


Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again..
And I believe..


I Knew I Loved You
By Savage Garden
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life


There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home


I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
(add the whos here)


A thousand angels dance around you
(and the whos here)
I am complete now that I've found you
(and the whos here)


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
(and the whos here)


I Will
By The Beatles
Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.


For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.


Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.


And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.


I Will Carry You
By Selah
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?


People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this


[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you


Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...


I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?


One More Day
By Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you


One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you


First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you


One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you


Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day


Slipped Away
By Avril Lavigne
miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.


I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.


[Chorus]
The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


Na na
Na na na na na


I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't ooooooooooooh
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly


[Chorus]
The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
Oh


I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by


Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back


Smallest, Wingless
Craig Cardiff
dear one we've been waiting for you.
thrilled, beside ourselves you've arrived.
white coats came in heads held low.
talked for a bit, shuffled outside.


we closed the curtains, held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye.


smallest and wingless
leaving as soon as you arrived.
sadness is just love wasted
with no little heart to place it inside.


we closed the curtains held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye


Somewhere Out There
By James Horner
Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
Then we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

(Chorus 1)
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star,
And when the night will start to sing
A lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.

(Chorus 2)
Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then, we'll be together,
Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.


Somewhere Over The Rainbow
By Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? i iiii


Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world


Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world


The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld


Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?


Tears In Heaven
By Eric Clapton
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven


Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven


Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please


Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven


Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven


Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

The Dance
By Garth Brooks
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance


To Where You Are
By Josh Groban
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory, so clear


Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above


Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are


Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen


As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above


And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave


Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are


I know you're there
A breath away not far
To where you are


With Hope
By Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...


We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again


And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...


We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...


So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope


We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope


You Are My God
By Nicole Sponberg
Breathe in, breathe out
It's all that I can do now
Hold on somehow
My world has come crashing down


And I cannot understand
How this could be Your heart
Still I'm lifting trembling hands
Help me trust in who You are


You are my God
Here in the darkness, in the night
You have never left my side


You are my God
Even when I can't see Your face
I know I'm held in Your embrace
You are my God


I'm weak, I'm torn
My tears like rain fall to the floor
But peace, my Lord
You have whispered in this storm


And this is still Your plan--
That You would have my heart
So I'm lifting trembling hands
Help me trust in who You are


And where else can I go?
And who else can I turn to?
Your word is eternal life and I'm not letting go
I'm holding on to You
You are my God


You Wouldn’t Cry
By Mandisa
All you saw was pain
All you saw was rain
But you should see me now
Moments filled with tears
Lasted all those years
Disappeared some how
You never said goodbye
On your knees you cry
You’re still asking why

But blue has never been bluer
True has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet
There’s a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise
A rose has never smelled redder
The sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say
If you could look at my face
If you could just see this place
You wouldn’t cry for me today

What you think you see
Isn’t really me
I’m already home
You’ve got to lay it down
‘Cause Jesus holds me now
And I am not alone
Your faith is wearing thin
But I am watching Him
And He is holding you too

And blue has never been bluer
True has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet
There’s a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise
A rose has never smelled redder
The sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say
If you could look at my face
If you could just see this place
You wouldn’t cry for me today
You wouldn’t cry for me today

Oh what may seem like years
Will just be a moment
Oh the day will come
When I’ll show you where you’re going
I can’t wait to show you

And blue has never been bluer
True has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet
There’s a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise
A rose has never smelled redder
The sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say
If you could look at my face
If you could just see this place
You wouldn’t cry for me today
You wouldn’t cry for me today